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I agree with Mark. She is just trying to soften the blow initially by telling you that she just needs a break. Don't waste your time bro. Its not worth it, there is someone else out there. Man up and forget her. And yeah there probably is another guy that's why things like this usually happen.
I don't want to give you a false sense of hope, but I just wanted to share story.
I like you was a heartbroken, depressed totally confused guy last Last May. My Fiancé told me things are not the same and that she has to take a break to sort things out. I had a week to try and change her mind, all while watching her pack her belongings right in front of me. All gifts and cards and stuffed animals that I got her over a 6 year period stuffed in a box and never to resurface. Or so I thought.
She finally left on a Saturday, I had to leave while she loaded up, way too painful to watch. An hour later, her sister calls me and says to take care and no hard feelings, blah, blah ,blah. Her sister has been telling Her to break up with me for months prior. I simply rolled my eyes and said see you around.
After that I said Eff this and turned off my phone until Monday Morning. Occasionally checking messages and sure enough she called crying on Sunday sometime. I didn't call her back even though I wanted to. She called Monday afternoon and I answered she told me she loves me and made a mistake by leaving and wants to come back home to sort things out together. I was so happy.
She came home the next day and sat down and talked about what we could both change about each other and so on. Well everything was great for a week. We are still together to this day, and Its not the same.
My trust in her is gone from all the lies she has told me. She lies about stupid stuff so I don't get mad, Well I only get mad when she is lying to me. Hard to explain, but I think you get it. I know I am not making her happy and I think she feels stuck in the relationship. I don't really know anymore. I think either one of us would split if someone else came into our lives.
I guess what I am trying to say is I wish we had taken a longer break last May so we could both get our crap together and either reconsile and be happy ALWAYS or move on to self happiness.
Sometimes getting what you ask for is not that great. Take care, good luck.
The above comment holds a lot of truth... Use this time to get things in your life together and find happiness on your own. Then and only then can any reconciliation take place, when you have a clear mind and can rationally make decisions.
When couples do get back together it is never the same... and more often then not they eventually break up for the same reasons.
Focus on you right now.
Well, it's been two months now, still on a break, and she still seems to talk to me basically every day through MSN, and we have decently long conversations. What the hell does this mean exactly? I kind of expected her to be dating someone new by now, or something. Still kind of feels like we're in awkward limbo. I'm doing my best to not bother her, or talk about us, or try to make her feel pressured into getting back together. We've even planned a trip together to go to Portland (which is about three hours away from where we live) to visit her brother and a friend of mine for a few days. I'm curious as to how I should act during this trip.
I guess I'm just losing my mind over this whole situation because I know now exactly what I've done wrong, by being around her too much and not seeing her interest fade, but I'm afraid I could end up going the rest of my life never getting another chance with her, and she really is very very special, and I will not meet another person like her.
You will not meet another person like her..
That's true. Because, probably you'll meet someone better.
Stop fearing the future and live in the present. Stop contacting her.
I'm not contacting her, she is contacting ME.Quote:
Originally Posted by 411Help
411 is right, no you won't meet anyone else like her... then again when you do meet someone new you can say the same thing about her. You are going to meet someone that is not going to lose interest in you, that in itself makes her better than your ex. Fixating on something like she was the only one for me and there will never be another is irrational.
You respond though... doesn't make it OK.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gearhe4d
Well, then what am I supposed to do about the Portland trip?
You are dragging yourself through the gantlet here. Think about it, it's been two months and you are no better off than you were when this first happened. In all honesty you are going to be miserable for a long long time at this rate. You are brutally falling into the friend role right now and you are letting it happen. There is nothing confusing about this or what she is doing. She misses you, of course she does! But she has discovered that even though you two have broken up you are there at her beck and call, and this makes her feel better... while of course making you feel worse.
This portland trip is the absolute worse thing you could do! You are going to miserable as you realize this girl beside you isn't "yours" anymore... and that she doesn't want to be with you. And you won't be able to act like your old self, you will be awkward and emotional. This trip is going to set you back big time... honestly gear, if you don't stop you are never going to feel better, I know how much this pain hurts TRUST ME, and that is no way to live your life, and that is no way the person you love should make you feel. She wanted a break, so you should have given it to her... She doesn't get to contact you unless its about getting back together. She's having her cake and eating it too, and you have no one to blame but yourself.
I say ALL this as someone who recently went through it. I was with her for 4 years! That's a pretty long time, and don't for a second think I loved her any less than you did. I am me again though, and I owe that to the great people on this site that pushed me through it. But you have to listen to them to make it happen.
Can we get answers, please?
You let her, why?Quote:
I'm not contacting her, she is contacting ME.
How much progress have you made to define this relationship the way you want it?Quote:
Well, it's been two months now, still on a break,
Why would you be going on a trip of that kind with her? What have you got to gain, besides be a driver?Quote:
Well, then what am I supposed to do about the Portland trip?
Last question, is this trip going to get you back together or what?
I guess I thought the trip to Portland would be a good way of getting just the two of us together for awhile, and let us spend time amongst friends together, and I was hoping she might realise how much fun she is having and possibly it could get her back on track to being interested in me again?
Is this such a bad idea?
Um... don't go?Quote:
Originally Posted by Gearhe4d
Can't you see that you're caught in a giant game of emotional Pong. To expect the little ball but do anything but bounce back and forth is just foolish. This broad is using you to fill in some emotional need she has.
YES!! Just because she has fun with you while others are around means nothing. She will most likely attribute that good time with the group as a whole and not just you. It could seriously backfire.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gearhe4d
Exactly, and it's a horrible idea.Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkwithaK
Its not unheard of, but its likely its over. I mean look at the posts above. Yeah you don't want to hear it but they are right.
So, telling her the Portland trip is off, and then completely breaking contact with her and not letting her contact me anymore is going to give me a better chance of getting her back?
And don't give me the "Stop thinkign about her" stuff, I can't just make myself turn off like that, I try to put my mind into other things and for the past two months not a single minute of any day has gone by without my 90% of my thoughts involving her or what I might be able to do, or what I should not do.
If I could just turn off my brain this would be no problem, and cutting her off wouldn't be as impossible.
You need to realize that it's over.
Stop responding.
That's when the mixed emotions end.
Dude, your not cutting contact with her to increase your chances to get her back. You're cutting contact with her so you can get YOURSELF back. As I can see, you've lost yourself and your identity in all this mess. And, if you want a healthy relationship with ANYBODY, YOU NEED Yourself BACK.
Are you happy with this arrangement?
Well.. I guess I'm sort of happier knowing that she still takes the time out basically every day to talk to me and make jokes and such with me still. I figure without that, I don't really know what to look forward to in a day.
What are you going to do when she comes up to you and finally tells you that it is over and she ain't coming back? What then?
Haven't you figured it out yet Tal? The only thing that is important is that SHE is happy with the arrangement.:rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Dear Gearhd,
I personally would not recommend you to go to this trip as I think you will get hurt much more than your all ready have been, HOWEVER...
It is very clear that your heart is very set with this girl- I can see that no matter what anyone says- your heart will no move on this one- fair enough as the heart will only change when it feels different. You normally feel different, when you see something with your own eyes and deep down you know you cannot ignore what you see... thats when you will act on your feelings and use you head as well...
Perhaps you should go to the Portland trip... how you feel for her and how you see her right now in your heart is one thing- how she behaves and acts will be v different. Maybe you need to see how much she has changed, how much she has moved on, and how little disrespect she has for your feelings... how much she will play with your mind and drive you insane... once you start seeing this, you will start to feel that shift in your heart and then maybe you can really sit down with yourself and say enough is enough- she is no longer the same the person you loved and now it is time you start doing things that is right for you.
How much pain are you willing to endure?
That actually seems like it'd be a relief at this point. It's not knowing that is killing me. I don't really know what she wants because she says she wants space, and yet still talks to me and makes plans to do stuff with me.
The confusion stops when you let it stop.
Honestly? I think I could deal with whatever pain I have to as long as I know there is still a chance of getting her back.Quote:
Originally Posted by zeeniee
Seriously man. You need to stand up. Stop being stepped on like a door mat. You need to heal. Then, in the future, someone special will knock you off your feet.
Oh really? So if on this trip she slept with some other guy but told you not to worry because one day you 2 would be back together you would be OK with it? Remember that at this point she owes you no loyalty in the sense that you are not actually 'together'.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gearhe4d
Even if I go through with no contact, I'm still going to be constantly wondering what's going on with her and if she still feels like it's a break.. and all of the stuff I'm going through right now, that's why I feel like us going to Portland, and me trying to just play it cool, and make sure we are having fun together (which I know I can do) might help?
She wouldn't do that though, and I'm 100% positive of that, so if you're going to use hypotheticals, at least make them within the realm of actual possibility.Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkwithaK
Gearhe4d,
I think right now your willing to do everything and anything... but eventually you will come to the end of the road and you know that you will have to walkaway and start fresh...
I guess you will do this, when you are ready to do this...
I wish you can see the bigger picture here... sigh..
How is that outside of reality? Just because you think she wouldn't do it doesn't make it factual. You have no idea what is going on inside her head. No one does but her. Hell, up to the point that she told you she needed a 'break' you thought things were just peachy when in reality you couldn't see that something was wrong. At this point your just putting her up on a pedestal.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gearhe4d
Trust me, she's probably not as great as you may think once you let the emotional dust settle.
Exactly, she's just standing on this pedestal you've made for her... Honestly its during break-ups that you get blown away by what your ex is capable of. After four years of being with a girl that I thought I would marry... we broke up and she slept with two guys within a month. I was awe struck by the whole thing. Never in a million years would I think she was capable of that.Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkwithaK
As long as your mind is focused on trying to get her back you won't be able to heal. After all the things people wrote about NC you just asked if doing so would help get her back. You have to cut her out of your life, if she comes back to you than great, if not you have already started healing so you are ahead of the game.
I think what's not being taken into consideration here enough is that I was the one who smothered her too much, and now I really see that, and that is what pushed her away, I can't blame her for wanting a break, and I now know that I need to put the same amount of effort into our relationship as she does, I was doing too much, and helping too often, and being there for her when I didn't need to be. I built up in my head that I needed to make her happy all the time, and now I understand that it was a mistake, and that she probably would have been happier if I left her alone more, and she'd still probably be in love with me today.
Now that I know that, that's what I want to convey to her, that I'm not going to let what got in the way before, get in the way now, and I'm ready to do this the right way, I just need a chance to prove it.
Also, it seems like a lot of you are under the impression that she is a crazy who is messing with my heart and purposfully putting me through pain, and I just don't think that is what she's at.
But I think that's your problem. You think that if you convey this to her she will want you back. I appreciate your honesty and yes, how you acted probably contributed to it. But the fact is that her feelings for you have changed. You can't force love, and just by telling her this won't bring back those feelings for you. She has fallen out of love with you, and not a single thing you do or say is going to change the way she feels. She will/will not come around on her own.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gearhe4d
Well now you're just making excuses for her. Why exactly did you ask for advice in the first place? I mean you seem to have it all figured out.
She's not crazy, the way she is acting is VERY VERY common behavior for the dumper. So recognize that most ex's act like this... It's how they cope with the guilt, and you can't really blame them. They just don't take a step back to think that all this might have a negative effect on the person they broke up with.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gearhe4d
I asked for advice on how to get her back. Not on why she asked for the break, or what I did wrong.Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkwithaK
I do know those things, I DON'T know how to get her back, or how to really get myself to stop thinking about her. (This is the part where you say NC will do that in time)
Don't think I'm taking nothing from what I've read here, I've learned a lot, and a whole lot more about how every seems to just give up hope, I don't know about everybody else, but I have never been the kind of person who just gives up. I have always been the kind of person who looks for a way. I'm hoping eventually that someone will chime in and say something like "I did this and it made her really think" or "I said this and it cleared up the problem she is having with me"
I just want to work it out. That's what people do isn't it?
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