It happens. Just don't dwell on this "mistake". Learn from it and move on from it. Everyone has weaknesses and everyone does things they think are wrong and regret. In reality, all of these things are very small compared to what we have left to go through in our lives. It just a part of life that you have to learn to deal with.

Has been a couple of weeks since all this went down and I feel like I am doing okay again but still have my moments.

Have again cut her out of my day to day life (I see a pattern emerging here)... so no phonecalls, chats, facebooking etc etc. This time I am determined to break the cycle and not let her play me again like she has about 5 times now.

Like I said, I have my moments, thoughts of her and this new guy still come and go but I just try and deal with them at that moment and carry on.

Today has been a harder day than normal as it would have been 3 years of being together... not that that really matters as we didn't even make it to two years, but its just another date that sticks out I guess.

On the bright side I am off adventuring around South America in 5 weeks and I will only have to avoid her in my home city for 2 nights before I fly out of there. After that who knows when I will even see her again... could be 2 or 3 years away or even longer. By that stage I won't even care about seeing her again anyway.

I think part of the problem for me has been that I haven't met any girls this year that made me want to take my mind off my ex... sure I have met some nice girls, but none have gauged my interest enough to push the thoughts of my ex out of my mind. Part of that problem probably has to do with living in a ski resort town where there are pretty much 5 guys to every girl and then most of those girls are already taken. But anyway, that will all change next year.

Going from how its panned out in the past after another week or two of letting all this soak in I'll be 10 times better and then before I know it I'll be a single guy on holiday surrounded by beautiful South American girls...

I would caution you against looking for a girl to take your mind off your ex. That usually doesn't work out for the best. Have you ever seen the movie "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"?

Don't hop on the next train right away. You have no idea where it will take you. One night stands and rebounds are like a drug, they only temporarily kill the pain. When you come down from that "high" and the "newness" of the situation wears off, you'll be right back where you started.

It's best to take your time and choose who you want to be with, not cave in to physical wants or needs. You will find a much higher quality woman this way.

You will find someone. Just keep putting yourself out there. Maybe even try online dating, although that hasn't work for me yet... :confused:

Hi Empty cans,
Just look at it this way- the worse is over and you are free. The fact you have cut all contacts= good thing for you.

You can now focus on your hoilday to S. America and just enjoy the beauty of this world, and have some fun travelling and meeting lots of people.

Don't worry so much about meeting girls as a quick fix- as that will just make you more messy- just do things for you and enjoy yourself-give yourself a break by removing your own pressure and expectations -this takes time and before you know it, when you least expect it- you will bump into someone that will make you smile again.

I am a guy, and its very easy to think you can replace one female for another, and feel better. Trust me, you can't.

But what you can do is date them all and have a great time with no other expectations other than have fun. I usually don't tell young guys to date after a break up, because they expect, and want to fall in love and end up in disaster.

When you can just let your hair down and be yourself, and not fixate on just having someone of your own, you will have freed yourself from the burden of falling in the same traps all guys fall into, emotional attachments before your ready, that lead to emotional dependence. That's a disaster.

I'm not saying being a player who is selfish and doesn't care about anyone but themselves. I am say dating can be fun, if you don't get carried away. That's the point, have fun and time will fly, and you before you know it, you'll be saying "ex who".

Sometimes it feels like I am going round in circles with all this crap...

Its been almost a year since I first posted on here and sometimes the hurt almost feels just as bad as it did then. I know I have come a long way, and I know the worst is all definitely behind me, just sometimes I feel there is still a long hard road ahead of me.

I suppose its just the cycle kicking back in again... I have long periods where I feel OK but then you get the odd blip where I feel like crap again.

I'm somewhat my own worst enemy and Facebook has caught me out again. Whilst I virtually never (there has been the very occasional weak moment) look at her page or photos of her I did come across a photo of her and this new guy with all my friends at a party... and that still hurts because those are my friends and its my world I feel that she has taken over. I still deal with thoughts of them together every day. I'm just thankful I don't have to deal with it in person.

Anyway, just a bit of a rant... I try and avoid talking about this stuff with my friends now as I just feel that I'm better to just concentrate on working through things at my own pace and the less time I talk about it with people the better probably... but this forum is a good way to get things off my chest.

I know it all takes time... I just feel like sometimes its taking way too long. But it is all just a process and as each day does go by I am one day closer to getting there.

Hey buddy, I know how you feel. I just pulled myself out of the trap. I was pretty much talking to my ex 2-3 times a week and actually making plans with her and helping her with stuff for the last 2 months...

I woke up last week. I went out with her and a friend and didn't like what I was seeing and severely put all the progress I made in jeopardy. I had to make the choice for myself. I was either going to be a doormat and a pawn in her game, while watching her move on, or I was going to take control of my feelings, thoughts, and actions and really cut her out of my life. Well, that's what I did. It felt like going back through the whole break up again, only this time I was dumping her. I told her never to call or text me again. I still feel sad because a person that was once important to me is no longer there, but I already feel better and definitely less crazy than I did a week ago.

It was the hardest thing I ever did. The point is, well all have moments of weakness and feelings like we really want to go back. Hopefully, my lesson will be learned by you and everyone else on this board. No matter how much you think going back will fix everything, it will not. Everything will be different! She is not the same person I knew, and I believe that that transcends all situations.

Keep looking forward, because the past is nowhere to be. What you thought was gold, or think will turn back into gold if you go back, isn't.

EC you have been doing really well. We all slip, some worse than others in my case. I think you'll find that you are stronger than you ever thought you were. I did last week. It is always better to make new beginnings than trying to go back to fix an ending.

Thanks JMW. The thing is as the longer this drags on the more I realise that she is definitely not the same person that she was and not the person that I was in love with... you are right, the past is nowhere to be.

I was reading one of the stickies today and I found a few really good posts... one said:

Quote:

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There's a chance that we might never be friends with that person again. So it's tough to accept that part, which is why some of us might fear to go into NC.

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I think that has really been holding me back... the fear of losing her as a friend, or that cutting her out of my life completely will kill of any chance we have of becoming friends, or getting together one day in the future. I know you can never force these things, but I hate the idea of ting the door completely, and not leaving it just that little bit ajar.

But then I read another post which really hit home:

Quote:

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And lastly... this may sound horrible but.. you have to remind yourself that HE/SHE is not the person you were in love with anymore as hard as that is to grasp or believe. They have made THEIR decision to not have you in their life, and have moved on. You have to tell yourself "Why in the WORLD would I want to be with someone who does NOT want me or what I have to offer". Who wants to spend their life like that? I don't know about you but I WANT to come home to someone who smiles when they see me, holds me when I go to sleep, and kisses me every morning. I sure as HELL don't EVER want to wonder "Do they really want to be with me? Are they with me because they feel bad? Etc".

---

I think that is really great advice and holds so true.

Anyway... I've been arranging to have a bbq in my home city before I fly out overseas... I guess I had been tossing up inviting the ex, but today I sorted it all out and left her off the invite list that I sent out. Its something small, but it feels like a step in the right direction. Its really the first time I have stood up and said "no, I don't want to see you".

Those quotes make perfect sense. I failed to truly realize this in the last year and did not completely cut her out. I was that little tiny bit of false hope that kept me thinking "One day she will see. We'll get back together and start our lives over again....together."

LOL! No way. That is a mirage. If you are thinking that way, you are not being true to yourself, or your feelings.

False hope is hard to break. It took me actually seeing my ex hitting on, dancing with, and even kissing another guy before it finally went away for me. That how bad my false hope for the future was...

Hi Empty Cans,
Well what I can say is “moving on” is v hard to do. From my experience, best part of the first year was me just registering we are no longer together, and I went through sheer hell etc… then I had small false hopes, even thou I knew these hopes would never work out... I went through periods of: “I can do this” to “I can't do this anymore” and for many months my heart and mind was in turmoil. The ex did come into my life now and then, lucky none of this was good- even though I knew this= v painful to see this and I knew deep down I will have to draw that line. Eventually I did- one day, I just woke up and said no more and just like that took measures to ensure that. It is funny as I made it sound so simple…. The fact is it was. I guess my heart had enough!

My year= the most hardest year of my life- one point this year around May- I did feel a lot better and I thought right I am back on track etc… and then the anniversary of the break up came and well I fell apart in seconds like a idiot. It was like going back to square -100000. I now have been picking myself up again slowly. In some ways I feel like it is a repeat of last year- except I am picking myself up differently- better and with more strength. What I can say is- it does get better and I think a lot of this has to do with what one really wants in life and then actually getting up and doing just that. This takes a lot of time and space and it requires a lot of mental strength. One thing that has kept me going is future plans- and lol I have many! And of course fabulous friends and family members that have been there to talk and listen to as well.

Another thing I realize is, I eventually got to a point where I was no longer be able to relate to the ex, as my life has changed so much since the breakup- I now feel the ex was in another life time.

I think once you start your travels- your perspective of life will change dramatically and you find that you will start to do things you like without making a huge effort with yourself and just like that your mind will switch off now and then and suddenly one day you will realize things are much better and that your in a much better place in life and with yourself compared to what it was a year ago. With that you will feel more at peace and you will naturally become more you as well.
take care - things will get better- you just have to believe in yourself to make things happen for you
zeeniee

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Empty Cans

I think that has really been holding me back...the fear of losing her as a friend, or that cutting her out of my life completely will kill of any chance we have of becoming friends, or getting together one day in the future. I know you can never force these things, but I hate the idea of ting the door completely, and not leaving it just that little bit ajar.

---

This is your biggest problem, and a problem I had for a few months. She had left the door slightly ajar for herself and told me things such as she thought 'we would still be together in the future' 'if it's meant to be it's meant to be' 'the future is uncertain but I can still see you in it.' All of these things kept me in turmoil for at least 3 months following the breakup. I had to make a decision to close the door completely. She will always leave the door ajar because she wants you as a backup plan, to ensure she is making the right decision. You have to close that door. Once you do you will finally fully heal.

It still hurts deep down for me (only 4 months, 1-2 months of closed door) but you need to remove this person completely from your life. You will feel much better. Close the door and move on.

This is actually a story from my end, but it fits nicely in the friendship issue. You see, she's been always a good friend, and I didn't want to miss that, sunk cost theory and all. So I planned to sort of normalize the relations. And since I'll be moving soon to the same city, and I was visiting town for a coffee.

It was a morning, I was hangover and on my way to a conference session, i.e. I was a mess. And in the previous night I was in possibly the best party I've ever been. I won't say I could never see this ex in my life again but I surely am not holding my breath. I was surely not flirting with her and for the first time I was talking about what's been going on relationship-wise in my life and how it sucked that I was having to move to her city again because I'd again be losing everything I had and start from scratch. Unless she thinks it's flirty for me to be talking about hurting some other girl because I couldn't make a decision, and how awful I felt about that, that is.

At some point, because she wasn't saying anything from her end (I thought it was weird, but I guess it's natural to be weird), I asked if she was single or something. And she said she's liking this guy. I was really happy for her. Really. Then I jokingly commented "ah, that's why you've been offline so much!". And she replied "oh no, that was because I blocked you. I didn't want you to give you false hopes or anything. But if you understand that, I can unblock you if you want". At that point I just managed to avoid giving her a lecture on how much of an b**tch she became, but I just left at "do whatever, I don't care, I never thought it would reach this point... I mean, I still like you, but there are like 10 other women on that same list and I handle them fine, and I have been doing great, so that was unwarranted... I'm trying to keep in touch because you know me too well and you are still the best friend I have in this country, didn't want to lose that." I mean, if she blocked me because SHE felt bad or because her boyfriend asked, that's all fine. But because she thinks she's afraid she'll drag me forever? Who does she think she is? I was pissed for a few hours, but then, the irony of that when looked against the background of my life just made it hilarious.

I don't know if things have to be so weird but it became. Honestly, I don't even know if I like her anymore. She's still pretty, that's for sure, but in this year she became this awful, immature, judgmental person. Well, I guess she always was like that and these were things I kept reminding her of, but now that I don't HAVE to put up with that, I don't WANT to put up with that. I don't know if I'll keep in touch with her. There's some crap that I'll have to give back to her when I move up there next year. And there's always the merry x-mas, happy new year, happy birthday calls. But that's about it.

I still have issues because I'm having trouble finding a very good friend in this country outside of the internet. But that's the extent of my problems right now. But she became completely unreliable for that. I guess you might need to get to that point.

Any hope you have for the future will hold you back, because deep down you will resist moving on because of what "might happen" later. Do not cheat yourself like that. Yes, your ex may know you better than anyone right now, but there is always someone else to build that same bond with. You just have to give yourself the chance to find them by removing things from the past that drag you down.

Just a brief update on things...

I have been doing a lot better lately, able to distance myself from thoughts about her and just focus on other things.

As I mentioned, I'm having a going away party in my home city next week and I invited a big group of my friends, the same friends that she still hangs out with a lot. Anyway, I specifically left her off the invite which would have surprised her a bit I think. It think it got the message across pretty clearly that I want to stay out of all this BS and don't want to see her. It has probably pissed her off a bit and needless to say haven't heard from her lately which is a good thing. I know she would be keen to meet up when I am back home but I have no interest in this at all.

I have basically accepted that there is a strong possibility that we may never be friends again.

On another note, I have been having a bit of luck with other girls lately. Even had a girl ask me if I was going to take her number after we had been talking...

Onwards and upwards... its good to know that one day all this sh*t is going to be behind me.

Good to know you re feeling better-yes onwards and upwards-enjoy party and don't worry about the exe's reactions.

Once one door closes, another one opens.

Well the deed is done, I have finally removed her (and her new man) from Facebook and blocked her from my IM. Was just way way too hard seeing photos of those two together and cutesy little comments to each other. Its almost exactly a year since I first removed her, but this time it is for good... at least until I am confident that I am healed and I might even seek a stamp of approval from you guys before she ever gets added again...

Merry Xmas to you all! Here's hoping 2010 is a great one.

Well done!
A Very Merry Christmas to you.
And wishing you a great 2010!

That's the best gift you could have given yourself, totally eliminating pain and sadness for the holidays.

That is the only way to truly get over someone... CUT THEM OFF COMPLETELY!

Thought I would check back in again to say hello...

I have been reading over a couple of the older posts, and found yours ,Zeeniie, from Nov 10 really good.

I think I have had me "enough" moment... one day a couple of weeks ago, I just thought to myself... I am actually really sick of this... really sick of thinking about her and having her bring my mood down.

I mean, I have been sick of it for a long time, but this time I was just like... okay, enough is enough. Time to get on with things.

I still do think about her, and it does still get me down from time to time. But I also catch myself not thinking about her for long periods. Im travelling solo around South America right now, and I suppose the times I think about her are when I am on my own... when I am with other people chatting, partying etc its fine.

So its coming up to a proper two months of NC (i.e. deleted and blocked as Facebook friends). She has contacted me once, a few weeks ago to let me know that an old lecturer of ours passed away and to wish me Happy New Year and happy travelling. I dismissed the "I wonder why she is emailing me?" thoughts very quickly and didn't read anything into it. I just replied in a paragraph or two and pretty much just said thanks for letting me know, happy new year to you too. I don't really count that as any meaningful contact anyway.

I do get times where I just want to email her and say hello, and let her know how its going, and ask how she is... but I manage to keep that from happening. It probably bothers and annoys her, but its not about her anyway.

So I have another 5 or 6 weeks in South AMerica, then its back to NZ for a couple of weeks where I guess it is inevitable I will run into her and her new boyfriend, as after all she has entwined herself into my group of friends now. I do worry a little bit about that happening, but I am sure I will be able to handle it.

Anyway... hope everyone is enjoying their start to 2010 and thanks for your support.

It sounds as if you have moved on-good job!
Enjoy your trip and let us know how it goes.

I am battling with some pretty big urges to send the ex and email saying hello...

Can someone please give me some good reasons this is a really bad idea?

What on earth would be the point of emailing her?

Bad idea,move forward not backwards.

Go and get busy doing something else.

I know... I don't know why but a part of me feels immature at not being able to continue any type of friendship with her... this person who knows me better than anyone else in the world and who I have so many great memories with... I don't know. Probably also has something to do with the fact that I am definitely going to run into her when I get home in a few weeks time... I feel that by making a bit of contact now its going to lessen the blow or something...

When and if you run in to her is the time to think about and handle that.

You're on your travels,aren't you?

Enjoy your adventure,don't sit and think about the ex.

It would be pretty dumb to ruin a good time with something as stupid as saying hello to someone who doesn't give a rats Patoot about you.

When you have those urges, just re-read this post, and smack yourself for thinking it's a good idea to say hello to your ex.

I wouldn't respond to the Email.

She obviously either wants you to move on, or is there to make you feel pain, either which isn't good for you in the long run.

Best wishes.
-Sam

Do not email her! Its been a year! My gosh! Within a year I'd have been moved on sooo much... Its only 5 months for me and I kept no contact since day 1. want to know how I am doing? Feeling wise? Great!! I go days without thinking of her now! I go on dates now and have bettered my life quite a bit in this time. Girlfriend wise? I don't have one yet but I know I am at the point where I am ready to have one. The thing that gets me a bit down to be honest is that I don't have a significant person to go to for things. I know it will happen though. Think positive and positive happens. Believe me, I know! You will be fine soon enough if you Don't EMAIL HER!

Don't ruin the 2 months of progress because of moments of weakness.

That's just stupid.

Those snap decisions will cost you.

You're doing great, keep it up & have fun. #1 priority. Is you.

Thanks guys... I drafted an email and then just saved it as a draft and left it. I just deleted it now. Its not going to achieve anything and is only just a backward step. I know I am going to run into her when I get home but Ill just deal with that when it happens.

Emopunk, we each take our own time to get over someone... you can't say you would be so much better off after a year. We each have our own circumstances. Thanks for your post though anyway.

Thanks again for your help team!

Don't do it. I thought I could be "friends" with my ex after a year apart from her. We even started talking almost everyday again. I decided to go out with her and a friend one night...

BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE TO DATE! Just envision her basically ignoring you and flirting with other guys right in front of you... You still have feelings for her. You still want things to be the way they WERE. The problem is, things are the way they are NOW. She isn't thinking of the past the same way you are.

If you become "friends" you will continue to chase her, while she gets her jollies from somewhere else, and leans on you for emotional support. Don't do that to yourself. Work on who you are and find someone who will appreciate that.

Learn from the past, don't be a fool and repeat it.

Hi empty cans,

I've read your post and experienced your feelings for the past 9 months. I just genuinely feel for you, and I actually particularly searched for you after 3 months of not lurking this site anymore. I think now is the time for you to really just let go man. And I am not talking about your ex, but I'm talking about this site. I feel like you are looking for answers that you won't find on site filled with heartbroken people. You are past that now, you are healed. If you feel like you can't avoid her, then don't. Go and talk to her and see where life runs. I'm serious... by now, you should know that whatever decision you make, you will be okay. Life is okay, and you don't need anyone or any site to hold your hand through it.

Its OK to write. Gets stuff our chests. And yes, don't even think about sending it.

You are doing great.

And don't worry so much about her, or running into her. That just keeps you from really living.

She's no longer a part of you. Just a memory. The past. Not now.

Hi Empty Cans, just caught up with your thread- as I have not been on this site for ages- I think you should just let time do its thing- you will have days where you will not think of the ex- and days were you will- the best thing is to accept that this is a normal event like situation and then maybe things will not feel so deep.

In the mean time- enjoy your hoilday!! I hope you have a fab time- sure enough there will be days where you will think of the ex etc- that is okay as long as you get everything in perspective- see this as your brain cells are re-organising your mind :-)
I found going travelling helps- this year I went to Shanghai ( was freezing! ), then thailand islands and OZ :-) now my mind is well focus and I say sod the ex- er who is the ex?. lol... keep going mate, with kind regards
Zeeniee

Cheers for those last posts guys, hadn't checked here in a little while.

Well, I can now confidently say that I am over it all. Don't know how it happened, but it just did all of a sudden. Somehow that switch of feeling hurt just got turned off. Time finally did its thing. May the no contact continue...

Thanks for everyone's support on here, especially Zeeniee, Tal, JMW and I'm Totally Lost.

I might check in now and again ans post the odd update, but the site has achieved its job for me now! Thanks again, couldn't have done it without you.

EC.