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You know that would make a lot of sense. There were little comments made now and again when he was drunk when we were together that link in with what you are saying - (he always came out with the truth when he was drunk) and there were so many occasions where he would just burst into tears when we got into bed after a night out and just hold me. He does lack confidence and a couple of times he asked me why I was with him?.
But if that's the case how do I handle it?
I don't have an answer for how to manage it.
Like I said, I know a talented, smart guy who does this to an extreme and it has cost him dearly, and also it has cost those around him who loved him. It's a destructive way to live. And in his case, he has yet to outgrow it at the age of 35. He's lost a house, all jobs, his marriage and kids. Mostly because he just cannot seem to function for long when things are good. But his case I think is an extreme example.
IF this is the issue, that he has a hard time believing he's good enough to deserve the best, then he needs some help or he needs to get himself to a place where he has more confidence. Unfortunately for him, you just cannot handle him with kid gloves. You have yourself to take care of.
Like I've said before, at this point I think all you can do is give him opportunities to be engaged. You'll be able to look yourself in the mirror and know you did what was right. Hopefully he will also be able to, if he finds half the inner strength that you are showing.
Thanks KP - I am doing as well as I can; and I am a lot stronger than I realise. I just hope Pete starts talking soon - I have to start making the first of decisions on the 14th - got my blodd tests to have done.
I wasn't allowed commend your post KP, but you've hit the nail on the head. THere are strong signs of an inferiority complex here, but Holly seems much better than all of this messing, and as you said, she doesn't have the time to focus on someone else's weakness right now.
Yes he f@@ked up, yes he has treated you badly, and yes Holly deserves an answer and some explanations. None of which he has given you by the way, after how long! He hasn't replied to the letter, and I wouldn't hold much hope of that following too quickly since he hasn't even explained the breakup yet or the reasons for his odd behaviour that weekend.
Holly -
This is ridiculously childish and terribly hurtful, especially since you have created life together. Protect yourself right now. If you see him in the garden, DO try and get inside. Don't let him see you hanging about. It allows him to "wallow" and let you see him dithering. It plays into his futile behaviour. This is such a shame, again I'm so sorry but it's better this happened now. Perhaps if he deals with himself, things might work out differently in future, but for now, you have to bring yourself to see that dealing with your pregnancy, and impending motherhood, you are stronger on your own right now than with someone who needs a helping hand. Hopefully he will get his act together and you can see where to go from there, but until then, this is actually a blessing for you - just one baby to look after. Keep us posted, you're doing great x
I have been reading your post for a few days, My heart goes out to you. I am so glad you are having a good relationship with Pete's parents. You are being more than fair to Pete, and quite mature through all of this. Do not worry so about involving him in your decisions. Do what you feel is best for you and the baby. That is the most important issue at this time. If he wants to become involved, he should know he can be. It sounds as though you have not given him any reason to think otherwise. You are making good decisions and choices so far, keep up the good work and just stay calm and peaceful, it is so important for the baby... and you.
Bless you
Just to keep you posted and up to date...
Pete is on Holiday with his family at the mo. He text me two days ago to say he would be in contact with me either by calling or texting to answer my questions.
His Mum text me yesterday to say he is talking in a positive way about being a Dad and hope he will be in touch with me soon.
Wow... hmmmm - that sound very positive. I hope he comes around.
Remember he is 21 - probably going on 16.
Very positive indeed :)
Quite right too Wildcat lol ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
Fingers crossed - but not getting my hopes up - that way I am not set for more disappointment or heartache :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Krs
I see LOTS has happened, Holly, since I last checked. I'm DELIGHTED you're [both] doing so well! If I can comment on your letter to Pete:... You MIGHT want to 'reconsider' concerning Pete having a CHOICE whether his name is on the birth certificate. ~ Lots of practical REASONS he should be named. You MIGHT want to get both a legal and a medical opinion. There are many reasons concerning the child's rights & needs to be apprised of & keep mind;;; and NOT to overlook the child's paternal grandparents. Next point: Pete actually mentioned selling the birthday gift you'd given him?? WEIRD thing to mention; all things consdered; and HOW RUDE! ["And your reason, Pete for telling/asking me this ..... is ???" ] Me? I'd ASK him that POINT BLANK! If anyone should be embarrassed it'd be HIM! While some might say ASKING HIM would be 'being picky' & it's a 'small point'; I'd disagree. Especially under the circumstances! How INAPPROPRIATE! ~ ["Like there aren't any IMPORTANT things we could TALK ABOUT?"] The very idea he'd WANT to sell your gift violates basic social 'standards' of good taste, BUT TO MENTION it to YOU! How INANE! I'd suggest it DEFINITELY says 'something' about the man's COMMON SENSE & CONSIDERATION [or lack-of] for others FEELINGS; might you agree? In your letter to Pete, didn't you SPECIFY you two 'could get together in a month or so' to talk about the points in your letter; which rather means IN PERSON! Correct? Do I understand that he later said [by e-mail?] he'd "call or text you to answer"?? I don't THINK SO! NOT ACCEPTABLE! [I suggest this is HARDLY the time/junction he has the luxury of behaving like a 12 year old! ~ REVERTING to some sort of shy, indecisive pre-teen behavior; " Uh... gee, Holly, maybe we can get together & have a soda sometime".] I'm so relieved your job is secure... now AND later! And moving closer? Sounds like a good & practical idea. ~ Even so, not to forget, Pete IS a participant in this 'new little venture' and as such, DOES and WILL continue to have an ongoing financial responsibility as well. I caution you to Not be TOO quick or definite... insisting you can /will/shall 'go it alone'! That MAY be just your pride talking, love. While that MIGHT be your DRUTHERS, the fact is, that's one of many UNKNOWNS! None of us can 'look around corners'! His financial involvement has NOTHING to do with your or his PRIDE. It's more a matter of responsibility AND PRACTICALITY! ~ Well, 'nuff for MY opinions, Holly... It sounds as though you're 'making a list and checking it twice' so to speak! I'm PROUD of you! [Now if I could just figure out how all of here can pool our resources and give you & the little one a BABY SHOWER!. LOL ! Seriously, I'm probably NOT the only one who has had the thought. [by the way, I make GREAT little quilts and receiving BLANKETS! Best to ya', Love! MarjAnn
Pete has just text me it reads as follows:
" Hi,I want to be on the Birth Certificate. As 4 involvement something like 1 day a week and we'll talk money at a later date, I won't be at the scans so ur call on what you want done. With the surname it's normal to go with the dads. The birth is a long way off but there won't be much point in me being there."
What a bastard - there is no point in him being involved at all?
By DJ
Cut all contact and make sure the child has court ordered child support and the fathers last name. The mother sounds nice though and should not be made to suffer the sins of the son. As for Pete??Quote:
What a bastard - there is no point in him being involved at all?
So sad - so imature. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh
I agree wikth Talamiman. That must be done.
Talk about kicking you when you're down! What does he think he's punishing you for anyway?
Agree with both posts above.
Keep strong xx
Like the others said, MAKE SURE THE CHILD HAS HIS LASTNAME. Go after him for childsupport.
Joe
Incredible... what a sodding a**hole, immature kiddie, with no morals and respect for you and his un-born child.
He is a loser and Holly believe me when I say its his loss and not yours.
Keep strong
You're on my mind
Xxx
Well now.
So much for giving pete some leeway on whether he's being a complete a$$.
He doesn't know what he's missing and he doesn't seem to deserve it anyway.
Holly, my wife loved being pregnant. It was not always easy. She was ready to be done at the end. But the carrying of the child, the connection she felt, she absolutely LOVED. And the checkups and scans and all the anticipation is a part of the process. You are going to remember those moments with happiness, as you get closer to meeting the little life that is going to be showing up. I'm not saying there aren't trying times ahead, but if you told my wife that she could have the same boy we have today without carrying the child, shed still want to have gone through it all because of the connection she felt.
Obviously the father cannot experience that same connection, but pete is still missing out on some good stuff, not to mention failing at being an adult.
Well at least you/we have a concrete answer about this guy. No more waiting. Damage is done...
Poor Pete, what an imature guy.
He certainly does NOT deserve any more of Holly's chance's.
No way.
He is so stupid!
You totally right - however he reckons he is going to speak to me properly when he gets back off his hols? (so another text message said) I did not reply to his text and I certainly do not plan to even acknowledge him when he does get back.Quote:
Originally Posted by Krs
He has got a nerve!
I don't think he realises how much damage he has actually caused. I swear he is either stupid or just plain ignorant.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
Yep, he doesn't deserve more of your patience and neither your time.
Dedicate all your time to yourself, look after your well-being.
You are far more important now.
Xx
I am sorry hunny that's very sad I wonder what happened that night that he just changed his mind. Was there a women that he was seeing or did he have sex with somebody eslse and his feeling guilty about it. I don't know but what he did was wrong but that happens guys could be a$$ holes sometimes.!
Yes, I wouldstop responding to his text messages - that's imature as well. Avoidance.
Text message should be for fun, light conversation.
You should keep him updated on thngs, especially the important stuff - but not on a regular basis - he doesn'y deserve it. OR, go through his Mom - she seems like a resonable woman and would be a greta way to communicate for now.
stupid OR plain ignorant?Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ 'H'
I don't think you have to choose in this case, dear. =)
which, on a monty-pythonesque-moment-of-something-completely-different-but-sort-of-related-to-petes-being-a-moron, reminds me of the movie "kiss kiss bang bang"... val kilmer asks robert downy jr if he knows what is in the dictionary under "idiot"... I won't give it away. Its what you expect and then not.
if you haven't seen the movie, its worth a rental just for the dialogue.
lets all get "pete sucks" buttons made. There can be a line of inflatable punching dolls and a dartboards and hockey pucks with his mug on them.
sorry.
pete sucks.
Honey, I agree.. damage has been done - to you. Now you need to get legal advice, get stuff in order and plan your life accordingly. I know how painful this is, as I am living with it here in Germany with my daughter. She still cries herself to sleep nights.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
Now it's time to think about the health of your little one.. and that means as little stress as possible - sounds easier said than done, I know, but you've got to try.
It hurts, it's not fair, and nobody can take the pain from you. But we are here for you and will try and help you through it all. Your job is to try and think positive, feel good about your health and growth of the baby, knowing you are going to love this little one with all your heart - no matter what kind of father.
Bless you dear, and know that all of our wishes are with you.
What a horrible situation. Unfortunately men don't seem to explain themselves sometimes. Maybe if you back off for a bit he will come round, and realise what he is missing. It does seem strange that he changed suddenly like that. The texting and phoning thing does not seem to work with men, you are best to leave him be. If he thinks you are getting on with things, he may realise that life is not actually good without you. Otherwise, he may be a loser and you might be better off with someone who will treat you right : )
Shame about the baby thing, at this time you will need to consider all options, and speak to your friends and family for support
Just to update you... Pete has started to come round. He apologised on Sunday and invited me to his for Tea and to talk about the baby on the Tuesday (just gone) he wants to be involved and we have discussed as much as we can for the minute - but the main thing is he wants to be a dad and he is talking to me... I do have to admit though his eyes were welling up whilst we were talking - especially when he was looking at the scan pic and asking if I was still moving away. He has lost so much weight - I am so worried about him... I think there is a lot more going on with him than meets the eye.
As you can see I have changed my Avater - that is the scan pic of my littlin :)
Welcome back DJ_H.
I have actually been thinking a lot about you as its been a while :)
So good to get an update from you and your avatar is just amazing :)
Xxx
Just been so busy sorting things out and getting myself together. Things are going well and Pete seems to be taking steps in the right direction finally.
How are feeling all in all?
Ok?
Its good to hear that Pete is eventually coming round.
I am fighting fit and full of energy. Been so busy with DJing, swimming and seeing all of my friends and organising bits and pieces for littlin that I have not had timw to stop and get depressed or anything lol - all in all pretty happy. See if you stay positive and carry on living things soon sort themselves out - you just have to ride the storm until they is a break and soon enough things will clear up and resume course.Quote:
Originally Posted by Krs
:)
That's the spirit Holly keep it up :)
I intend to - just kind of remembered who I am and, realised I needed to embrace myself again :)
That is a beautiful pic you have Holly. Thank you for letting us know how you were doing. I was thinking about you and your little one and I was wondering how you were doing.
Joe
Sorry to hear about the problems you have been having ! Its good to see that you are embracing yourself ;) I hope you have lots of luck and things go very well for you.Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ 'H'
Holly - that;s great - good news. Nice pic. Be strong.
Hmmmmm - maybe Pete will fully come around? Maybe he will get it. Interesting - keep us posted.
Well I was sat outside earlier and peteb came out to go for a bike ride. I was on my phone - before he rode off; he made a point of getting my attention and waving to me before he went off on his bike ride... to which I waved back. Yesterday we even had a text conversation about a mutual friend. So I guess you could say things are slowly progressing down the right track... only prob I have now is that my job have now said that I am useless and my work a load of crap and they are trying to make me say I'll leave... everyone I have spoken to reckons they are trying to find a way around the fact I am pregnant (since I only started on 1st June)... because they were happy with me and my work before hand and there are still things that I am learning but they are not giving me a chnace to embrace and understand and they are not offering me any kind of support. They made a huge list of errors and faults that I have been making and telling me it's very disappointing and they are just carrying me at the moment. I have never had this said to me in any job and the line of work I am doing is along the same lines to what I have been doing for the past 4years. Plus they did not point out to me in those two months the mistakes I was making and they have said at least 4 people have complained about me and mu abilities.
As one thing goes right, something else goes wrong... what do you think?
Holly, you have gone through so much lately that it really spins my head. But, you've mastered mostly all of them very well, and you will also master this one.
Right now, try not to let yourself get stressed out by the mobbing you are going through. These people would probably kick a dog that's already down and enjoy every moment of it. They will probably push it to the legal limit, and if you have documentation and/or witnesses, you can take them to civil court later. You have your talents and know it. Right now though, you have a much bigger job ahead of you - and the hell with the money - you'll get support, I'm sure, from Pete's folks, you step dad, and all your friends. They will all make certain that you will not starve and get the proper nutrition for you and the baby.
Also, they will be there for you when you feel stressed - and that's very important. So swallow your pride and accept all the emotional, financial, and other support offered. If I were there, you'd be staying with me.
I kind of suspected that Pete would not totally distance himself from you, he is after all a human, and we all make mistakes. He just needed some time to adjust to the present situation and realize the change in your lives. Nobody is a 100% perfect, but as long as we are still breathing there is room for improvement. I'm also sure that deep down you still love him very much, and will probably be willing to forgive him. And guess what - this is OK. A lot of couples go through one crisis after another, but surviving them makes them stronger.
The current issue at your workplace will also pass - you'll have time to think about what you could do with your talents - maybe even get a job that makes you happy and content. Your main job now is your child, a year or two of attention for him/her, no matter what you have to do without financially. Money is nice to have, but it is not everything.
I truly wish you all the best, dear, and I'm sure you'll eventually see a 'light at the end of that tunnel'.
Lots of love and best wishes,
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifChery
Someone will always be out there to give you a hard time - place yourself above them - they are pitiful.
Well I am just getting through a day at a time at the moment - but have decided to leave because it is now putting too much stress on me. - I sought out advice from Petes Dad because he knows about this stuff and last night out of the blue and totally unexpected I received a text message from Pete asking me how my day at work had gone and if I was OK?. I was so overjoyed by this that I realised that there is more to life than work and Pete certainly means more to me and you are right Chery I ndo still love him very much... its not something you can just switch off - you just adapt. We\are talking quite often now ans when we go to leve each other we have that awkward moment where we look at each other and don't know what to do - hug etc - so we end just saying "Seeya later" and I usually scarper a bit quick lol
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