Hmm,

Posting a little more often than usual -- not a great sign.

Been feeling down lately as I was reminded of my ex online the other day. Didn't really learn anything new, don't want to, just that she was (apparently) going away somewhere. I don't know where, when or with who and don't really want to. After some thought, I realized that I didn't learn anything new, so my being upset must be due simply to being reminded of her and that she seems to be happy...

In conjunction with that, I have been feeling pretty frustrated with myself lately. When we first broke up, I was feeling fine. I went through the first few weeks with hardly a hiccup. Now, almost two months later, I feel like I am spending more time thinking about her then I did back then. Its getting to the point where I'm sick of it - I wake up in a bad mood because she is the first thing on my mind -- and the images are never good. Just thinking about her talking, cuddling, loving, etc, etc, etc with anyone else puts me in a down mood.

I don't want to drone on about the thoughts I have of her, but I guess I am looking for insights from people who have been there and done that. As far as I can tell I am doing all the right things. I go out as much as possible, have been eating healthy and going to the gym religiously. I haven't had contact with her, and when I was exposed to things online I didn't enjoy, I deleted the links. How long does this really go on for?? I know that's a question nobody can answer, but do I really have to put up with feeling like sh*t for the next year?

I'm sick of it already, and thinking that she is happier than she ever was with me makes it a million @#$@#$ times worse... :mad: :mad:

Hi BigBird,

Sweetie, I know how you feel. I was pretty good for a month, and now I am feeling worse as well. This, I believe, is completely natural, although it does suck. I think the more you loved someone the harder it is to get past, as well as all the feelings, what they are doing, who are they with, etc. I know it is so hard, but try not to think about those things. Unfortunately they are beyond your control (and mine), and we have to think about us now, and focus on moving on. And yes, you are doing everything right. You are doing great! I think another reason why we start going to that dark place in our minds is the fact that they may be with someone else, but we aren't. Now, that does not mean that we should find someone to be with, just to be with (not that we would), but just know that we will be happy again with someone who will appreciate us, and love us, that we will love back, and appreciate. I wish I had a magic wand, and I would wave it for all of us.

Yes, your right on many points.

It is natural, it does suck. It hurts because I loved her a lot and it just sucks not knowing if they are missing you or not. I know I shouldn't concern myself with that, but nevertheless it creeps in at times.

The hardest part is the thoughts of them being with someone else and you being left behind. I feel like a fool, but I almost feel as I have been cheated on. Maybe it's the fact that she was my first love, and my first for pretty much everything, so the thought of her with anyone else kills me. It doesn't matter now...

What I feel is a hybrid between anger and sadness. On one hand, I am furious with myself for not feel better, for not doing better than her and for not getting over this. I'm frustrated with the enormous amount of time this is taking and the toll it is having on me. I have wasted so much time and energy being upset about something I can't control - and there's nothing I can do to feel better faster.

On the other hand, I am sad that she possibly may not be thinking about me at all. She probably isn't the same person at all anymore and that is sad. To think that so much has changed in her life since I last saw her and I know nothing about it is a tough thing to think about. I suppose the same is for me, she might be feeling the same - but I can't depend on her feelings to make me feel better - and I won't.

Sorry for the ranting, for some reason today is going to be tough and I have a long, boring day at work ahead of me. Seriously looking forward to the gym after work so I can vent a little bit.

Thanks for listening...

Hi BigBird,

You don't ever have to apologize. We are all here for you :) And I know you feel frustrated and angry, but please, PLEASE don't feel that way. You are normal, and most important? You know how to love, and feel love. That is beautiful! Be proud :). It will take time, unfortunately, to heal. If I may ask, BB, do you want to get back with her? I know you are missing her, but, if you were still together, do you see yourself having a future with her?

Progress however small is still progress. At this point I will venture a guess that you are experiencing buried feelings coming to the surface to be dealt with. How? By making new memories to push the old ones aside. If that means a change in routine, something or someone new in your life, or just more work, do it!

Volunteer!!! A great way to fill your time. Doing for others is the ultimate way of putting things in perspective.

Starlite,

No. I don't want to get back together with her. I can say that without a doubt in my mind. There is no chance it would ever work even if we tried...

I can honestly say that before the relationship ended I knew it was going to end. When I look back, it was obvious that things weren't really workout out that well. We had some heavy discussions which didn't always go the best they could have. We argued a lot of stupid things and I had even had conversations about marriage and telling her that "The way we are now, I can't myself with you forever, we have problems we need to fix first". I guess I was a little expecting it subconsciously.

That is half the reason that I am so angry with myself now. I know there were issues. In all honesty, she didn't treat me perfectly, and I always tried to give her everything (I obviously wasn't perfect). She would get angry with me because our lives were so different. She hated my friends and didn't like a lot of my hobbies. She isn't very social and didn't have many friends, and I liked to go out and hang out with them. She didn't like that. The long story short - we were very different people.

It just bothers me that I know all of these things but it still bothers me so much to this day. When she broke up with me, she told me through tears that she "honestly thought I wouldn't care". I don't know why she thought that, but I guess she really thought I had lost my feelings for her - not true.

In any case, no, I don't see a future with her, though its hard for me to see that clearly now. At times I wish I could just hang out with her and be friendly and see if maybe she had changed, but we had a lot of problems due to incompatibility and I'm sure they would still exist.

I don't want to get back together, but I don't really want her moving on before me. I guess that's selfish, and I really wouldn't ever know if she's moving on, so it shouldn't be an issue... maybe that clears it up a little bit.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Progress however small is still progress. At this point I will venture a guess that you are experiencing buried feelings coming to the surface to be dealt with. How? By making new memories to push the old ones aside. If that means a change in routine, something or someone new in your life, or just more work, do it!

Volunteer!!! A great way to fill your time. Doing for others is the ultimate way of putting things in perspective.

---

Thanks tal,

I do see progress, and this is just a slump I'm sure. I have been thinking that getting out and doing new things is what I need to do and have been doing so for the last few weeks. I am working tons, so I don't know if I can fit in volunteering right now, but I did volunteer at the beginning of the summer for about a month and it did feel good.

I just don't like thinking I've been left behind - I have always been afraid of her moving on first.

You aren't being left behind Biggie, you are moving forward. On the path to healing there are sometimes a few rocks, you trip, you fall, stand up, brush yourself off and keep going. You might encounter many rocks along the way, but sooner or later you'll keep your eyes open for them and avoid them, then it's smooth sailing until the end of the road. :)

When I'm having a hard time dealing with something, or I'm just angry or sad, I write it down. I have tons of letters I've written to people I was upset with, letters that were just for me, never sent. It's cathartic, it helps. Maybe start a journal, write down all the feelings you are having. At the end, when you are finally completely healed (and you will be), burn the journal, a ceremony of freedom from the past.

Keep moving forward sweetie, you're doing really well. Remember, we're always here for backup. :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bigbird213

I don't want to get back together, but I don't really want her moving on before me. I guess thats selfish, and I really wouldn't ever know if shes moving on, so it shouldn't be an issue....maybe that clears it up a little bit.

---

Hi BigBird,

I know how you feel, actually, I am sure all of us either feel or have felt that way. We are so heartbroken, and we tend to analyze our realtionships (what went wrong, how could it have been fixed, etc), and now our ex's have moved on (Why? What about us? Don't we mean anything to you anymore? Are you (the ex's) missing us like we are missing you? All of these thoughts I'm sure are felt by all of us. But, the key is to try and not go to that dark place. Easier said than done. My saving grace is being here, with all of you.

Sweetie, you will get past this, I promise :)

I understand how you feel... We wish we could trade places with our exes.. Since they dumped us they should be the ones feeling sad.. not us!. we should be happy and having fun and not thinking about them!!

Been a busy morning for me on this site, just trying to get some thoughts out:

I think I have hit the 2 month mark for NC. Never thought around now would be the toughest part... Its morning right now, so forgive me if this post reeks of despairity, its how I'm feeling at the moment.

I'm a little annoyed with myself for not being able to stop thinking about her and what she is doing. My mind is intent on thinking about her and her being with someone else. Who knows if its true, I don't and don't want to. I'd love to find out she isn't but its not a risk I'm going to take. So I find myself turning to things she said before we broke up/as we were breaking up. She was telling me that the reason she wanted to breakup was because she had personal issues she wanted to take care of. She hated the way she treated me (long story, probably back a few pages somewhere) among other things. She wanted to be by herself to try and straighten herself out.

Needless to say, I find myself condemning her as a liar and a cheater even though I have no idea what is going on with her. The thought or her possibly being out of town with some guy already almost makes me want to cry -- something I don't know if I have done at all throughout this breakup...

I guess my mood right now would be frustrated with myself, missing the hell out of her (who knows why), and just overall down.

Still looking to get back up on that high side...

Morning Big, having a rough one today huh! Normal, as I am starting to see a pattern here you may not be aware of, but whenever you feel down you turn back to the ex and follow a line of thinking that's quite depressing to say the least.

If I might suggest a slight change in tactic for a while, how about having specific tasks in the mornings, that make you get up, and focus on for a few hours. I know you work, but being busy during the normal lulls in the action, may change your thinking and out look, and help prevent you looking back, and thinking the worst.

There is a very good reason volunteer work, is always the first thing I recommend, because it allows you another perspective and MAKES you see how grateful you should be for what you have. Its especially good for those who have really high, highs, and very low, lows, as a natural human cycle of feelings. Make sense?

Hi bigbird souinds like you are having a tough time. I know how you feel and when I get like that I find it almost impossible to do anything but think about my ex. I have to force myself to do things even if it is only taking a walk or visiting friends. Often I do not walk far or visit for long but I try to make myself do something. Hope by the time you read this you are doing better.

By the way I think crying helps. It is okay to mourn the loss of a relationship.

I know the feelings of despair you can feel, especially in the morning. And for whatever reason, the mind wanders back to the ex and we start playing out in our minds what they're up to, what they've been doing, etc.

But anytime you feel that way, you need to consciously turn the focus back on you. What do you want to be doing in life? What are your goals? What can you do to make yourself happy?

I think you probably have a tendency to start imagining this fairy tale happy-ending story for your ex and her life when in reality you should be thinking about the fairy tale happy-ending story for YOUR life. Let her worry about her own life.

Read your posts on here and the help you've given others. You can see by those what an awesome and amazing guy you are! You have a great future ahead of you. Don't let some bad days, bad moments, keep you down for long. You deserve everything you want in this world and thinking about her is just distracting you from going out in living. Don't be afraid to let go of the past and move forward.

And here's some practical advice. As you know, we broke up around the same time so we're in a somewhat similar place in the post-breakup calendar and I truly believe these are some things that I did that have really started to make me feel "whole" and like "myself" again. Over the past month, I've grown soooo much and feel 100X better than a month ago, and here's some things that I credit for that:

(1) Meeting new people/reconnecting with old friends. Whether its hanging out with my girls I wasn't seeing as frequently as I should have been when I was in a relationship, or simply interacting with strangers at the supermarket, etc... getting out there in the world and actually interacting with the world around me rather than being out in the world and living in my own mind has really helped.
(2) Focusing on work. For 2 months I was a walking zombie at work. Now when I'm at work, I'm 100% there. Working, multitasking, shooting the sh*t with co-workers. Whatever.
(3) Volunteer/Take a class/Join a social group. I joined a volleyball league. So much fun, great exercise, and a great way to meet new and diverse people.
(4) Redecorated my house. In the process of redecorating every room of my house. It's a strenuous task.
(5) Exercise. Started a new exercise regime. Not only helps the body looks great, but also makes you feel great... and strong!

I still think about my ex a million times a day but there fleeting moments because I have so many other things going on right now. The main part of all these activities is it lets you reconnect yourself and reconnect with the outside world. I was tired of living in my own little world, in my own little mind, for 2 months post-breakup. There's so much else out there if you force yourself to see it and do it.

Biggie, chin up, this too shall pass, doesn't it always? Get out, have fun, get your mind busy so you stop thinking of her. Remember one thing, she is no longer your concern, what she does from now on is her business, and even though it may bother you, you have better things to worry about. Really, truly, honestly, one day she will just be a memory, but right now you have to get her out of your head and heart. Hard work, but you are up for the challenge, I know you are, we know you are, and you know you are. :)

Remember don't stress the small stuff, and it's all small stuff. :)

Thanks everyone for the responses. I really needed it. It's the next morning and I'm feeling kind of sh*tty again, but not quite as bad as yesterday. Reading all this helped, maybe that might be part of my plan when I'm down.

Tal - I will look into some sort of volunteer work. Your advice actually lines up with advice I got from someone else remarkably well. I was told that I was so used to being selfless and giving so much to my ex that now, without someone to give to, I don't know what to do. Almost like I have a huge desire to give to someone, but that person is gone now. I think having tasks in the morning will be good too - something to keep me focused and get me past the first few hours or so of the day.

F104 - I have taken walks, but surprisingly they seem to not help me out much. It just turns into more down time for me to think and mull over what's bothering me. Thanks for the advice though. Visiting friends really does help. If I had to say one thing helps the most, it would probably be going for a drive. I don't really have any privacy in my house, so going for a drive and playing my music loud helps quite a bit. I know driving emotional isn't the best idea, but it helps.

losingit - You are right. We are just about the same point in our NC calendars. And you hit it directly on the head when you said fairy tale ending for my ex. Not to be mean, but her having a fairy tale ending right now is not what I want. Sure I care for her and want her to be happy, and two weeks ago I would have said I hope she finds someone, but recently I have backslid into a less mature state. Out of the steps you outlined, I have done a few of them. I started a lifting routine a month ago and have been doing that M-F every week.

The funny thing about me is that I feel like I did things backwards. In the beginning I was pretty much okay. I was doing well at work, going out and having fun without thinking about her, etc.. But now, I am more of a zombie now then I was ever before. It didn't effect my work a month ago, last week - it did. I feel like I accepted it was over, let go fine and then, a month later, went back in the past and grabbed back onto it. Now I can't let go again.

Alty - Getting out is what I have been trying to do. It helps to be out and be busy, it just feels like I am re-making all of the progress that I had done a while ago. I don't know why something as stupid as seeing her going out late at night and possibly out of town has thrown me back so far. Stupid stuff...

Thanks again for all the input guys. I had a thought when I first woke up and I am going to post it below this in another post. I'm not sure if its going to make me feel better, but I think it warrants putting down in case I decide to reread all of my posts...

Okay,

I found it. Did a little research and read the old posts on my profile when we were together. There is a lot of stuff in there, but I thought this summarized part of it anyway.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bigbird213

Highlights from the phone conversation i just had:

"Your nothing to me"
"I hope to God you get arrested"
"If you were lying on the curb, I'd drive right by"
"Your the dumbest sh*t i know"
"Your worthless"

....I dont deserve this, even if she was angry

---

How can I miss someone like this???? Reading that is a TERRIBLE thing to ever say to ANYONE, but I can't get over her? Shouldn't I be glad to be out of such an abusive relationship??

ARG - I'm going out.

Thank you all again.

Phew,

Back again. 8:30 AM and I am actually feeling good :)

I'm getting towards feeling like I did a week and a half ago. I can see it coming. For some reason, when I had the thought which I posted in my previous post with the quote from last year, something seemed to click a little bit. Maybe I took off the rose colored glasses and caught a glimpse?

No doubt it still sucks, but much better off than 48 hours ago.

Biggie, that quote two posts ago, the one about your phone conversation, print that out on a big piece of paper and put it on the wall by your bed. Next time you wake up feeling sad, look at that paper, read that and remember why you shouldn't miss her, but be grateful that she is out of your life. Just a thought, might not work, but maybe it will. :)

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, getting back on track. Reading back from the beginning can be very helpful, it not only makes you remember all the stuff you went through, but it make you see how far you've come, and Biggie, you've come a far way. Not much further to go, I'd venture to say that you've already covered more ground than you have left to cover.:)

Hi BigBird,

Alty has an excellent idea. Print out that conversation, and when you are feeling down about your ex, read it over and you will I'm sure feel better about things. I am glad that you are feeling better. You are doing great, and you are so great to us!! You always are there for us, and it means so much. Please know that we are here for you too :-)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

Not much further to go, I'd venture to say that you've already covered more ground than you have left to cover.:)

---

Thanks, that's encouraging. Sometimes when your down, you lose sight of the end and that can be worse than feeling down in the first place.

The end is in sight, it really is, just remember not to rush to the end, you might trip and fall. Slow and steady wins the race. :)

Hi all,

Been a while since I have updated on my situation so here goes:

Not much has changed. I have been getting along, feeling a little better day by day I suppose. I don't feel the improvements anymore, I just don't really have huge down times. I still think about her a LOT every day, but a lot of the time it isn't sad/depressing thoughts. Many times I miss her, other times I wonder what she is doing... but all in all I guess I'm feeling better...

One good sign (I think) is that I have been quite focused on meeting new people and I'm anxious to try to date/hang out with some new girls. I'm working on a few issues that are giving me problems in that department, but it should be happening soon - I hope. It's a little discouraging to have it not happen. I don't want to become desperate, so I go out and have fun and try to keep people entertained/laughing/having fun without putting any pressure on myself to get anywhere with anyone, but sometimes I wonder if I need a little pressure to make something happen.

I guess time will tell... I'm really starting to hate that phrase :)

Time goes by much faster when your having fun. If you read my posts you will get the idea that FUN, and enjoying yourself, and others is a very important part of my life. If you take nothing else I say seriously, having fun is the basis for being here.

Just got back from a 4 day road trip with my friend. It was pretty good as every time I started to think about her, I was with the right guy to make me forget all about it. It was a lot of fun.

I'm still thinking about her a lot, which bothers me a little bit, but I haven't had any hiccups lately, and I hope to keep it that way. I'm still working on going out and meeting new girls as I think that will help me a little bit, just the attention I guess... It was tough because some of the music I kept hearing was reminding me of her, but I was able to push it out of my mind within a few minutes.

I have convinced myself that she has a new boyfriend and isn't thinking about me anymore, and I don't really know why, but I have become numb to it. It's a little stupid since I have no proof or any indication that this is true, but I guess I prepared myself for the worst? Perhaps I just don't care anymore? Who knows.

I'm hoping today isn't rough since it's the fourth of July and was a day we always used to go to a family party of hers. I sucks thinking about her going with some other guy but who knows what she is doing - not my problem, I'll try to keep it out of my mind.

Thanks for listening

Found myself thinking about being friends with my ex again yesterday. The good news - I was very close to indifferent about it. I guess that's progress.. :)

The only memory that still bugs me hit me a few minutes ago: her asking about remaining friends with me and when I said no, the sound of her voice and her choking back tears hurt me pretty badly. It still tugs at me now, which I don't understand, but I hate to think that I'm causing her pain. I would hope she wouldn't hold that against me.

I'm sure she wouldn't BB. There's no way you could be friends until you have fully healed my man.

If I were you, id put BB at the front of your mind and in the driving seat, and try and minimise any thoughts of your ex, in particular her feeling bad when you said no to her friend request.

She shouldn't expect you to just be able to turn your feelings to friendship from a relationship.

Keep following your path. Good things will come your way I know that for sure. You'll be friends when your ready and if you want to, whenever that may be.

Keep up the good work

JPM

Wow,

So its been a few weeks since I have been back on this post, I figured maybe its time for an update?

Not sure how much there is to report, just keeping on keeping on I suppose. Working every day, keeping busy after work and going to work the next day more tired than the day before. I'm having fun, which helps, and I'm going to be very busy this coming weekend -- being in my friend's wedding and all...

Still meeting new people and working on being more outgoing and conversational, but I've gotten myself to stop worrying about finding a "random hook up" or whatever you might like to call it. Sure it might be tempting, but forcing something like that can only end poorly.

If anyone's following, there are few things that still upset me about the breakup. The first just surfaced recently and I have been re-examining mistakes I made and things I could have done better which makes me feel a little down, but I just remind myself that its all in the past, and we both made mistakes. No matter what your talking about in life, there are few times when you can look back and not see an improvement you could have made.

I hope if anyone has been following this from beginning to end that the progress that I feel I have made is evident in the postings I have been making...

I am chalked filled with quotes today, "we cannot rewrite the pages of history, but we can write the ones of the future" Don't worry about the past, it is dead and gone. You can sit here for DAYS on DAYS thinking of what you could have done better, but it won't change the facts and won't help you know. You know your flaws, you will find someone who compliments those flaws and accepts them.

You have definitely made a lot of progress from your first post until this one. You should be very proud as I know we are.

Ditto, and as I am known to do, give you this to think about, a mistake in one relationship, maybe a deal closer, in another. The lesson is be realistic about your choices, and decisions, and stand by them, putting yourself first. So making good decisions, based on facts, and not just feelings, for yourself, is the whole goal, of the growing experience.

WELL KEPT SECRET: You will be growing, and learning until you die, unless you choose not to.

Thanks guys - it sucks to have regrets but I can't be hung up on them. I've made mistakes just as she has, so I won't blame myself. Learn from my mistakes and move on knowing that I am a stronger and better person.

That's what nc's all about, right? To look back, reflect on those mistakes, so you don't make them in your new relationships.

This is why people who "rebound" usually never fix things... they never realize their mistakes.

I agreem rebounding is the worst thing to do.. the last thing I want to do is go on a boring date with dude.. ugg

Hey all,

Been a long time since I posted an update, so I figured I'd write a little about what's going on...

First off, lately I have been feeling great. I have been keeping busy, working, going out almost every day after work, and going to the gym every day religiously. When the weekends come, I make sure I'm busy all weekend. Have been meeting new people (mostly friends of friends) and being more outgoing and just trying to have fun without worrying about what people think of me. Its easier to have a good time, and make others have a good time, when your not worried about someone laughing at you or thinking you're an idiot...

Currently, myself esteem is higher than it has been as far back as I can remember. I'm sure going to the gym has helped a lot with this, along with meeting people and just trying to have fun. Since the beginning of the summer, I have lost about 15-20 pounds and am much stronger than I was before.

The self-esteem is one of the biggest things I have noticed. It is much easier to not be shy and to not care what other people are thinking about you if you are confident in yourself. Just last week I was told by my friend's girlfriend that a girl that I think is attractive "might like me" (whatever that means). Aside from that, with my friend one night, two girls told me that I reminded them of someone they knew from high school that I didn't know. I asked if it was a bad thing, and they said "No, he's cute". Honestly, it was the first time I felt good about the way I look in a while.

Sorry to drag out the story, but I wanted to post an update on how I am feeling... I hope that anyone following this can see there is a light at the end of the tunnel and not give up hope and just push through it.

(This might be the first post I have written in this entire story which was entirely positive and didn't mention my ex (that doesn't count :)) :D)

Great to hear bigbird!! I'm so glad for you! It really does help to know there is light at the end.. I know I will get there eventually

It is great that the outcome of it all is you with better self-esteem. Secondly, you no caring about what others think. Having confience is so good. Keep working on your positives and continue to grow.

BB, see! A few months ago, you would never have thought feeling the way you do was possible! I am very happy for you that you have decided to go the positive route and make new friends and be more outgoing! Congrats!

Thanks guys,

Rome - A lot of those things were things that I had wanted to do for a long time, and I guess the breakup was just enough motivation to get me moving again. Sometimes changing yourself is hard when you are with someone, since they might not really like the changes your thinking about.

I know I have come a long way, probably have a little further to go, but there isn't anything I'm afraid to do anymore. I still haven't seen and/or talked to her since the breakup, but I think if I did I would be able to say hi, talk briefly, smile, and walk away unaffected. Hell, she might even get a hug out of it...

Hey everyone...

So its been 3.5ish months out of 4 years.. I think I might have hit the tripe digits in days now, who knows :p I don't know when the last contact we had was, and I'm not searching my inbox for the email...

As far as the ex goes: I like to think that I am doing really well. I don't wake up thinking about her and upset anymore. I don't really have very many down moments at all - I just keep busy and am happy being single at this time. Something happened last night which bothered me though - it made me think of the other times its happened...

Her name was brought up in conversation about being somewhere that I might go. Now, I don't have a problem talking about her or the breakup or anything, but for some reason when I hear about her, my heart jumps a little bit. I get nervous/anxious I suppose... and (obviously) I think about her a little bit... Is this normal after this long?

The exact situation is this: There is a concert next week which my friends want me to go to. I found out from one friend that my ex is going with his sister (they were friends before we were dating). I don't even know if she will be around my friends and I or not. So I'm a bit confused as I don't want it to seem like I'm scared of seeing her and not going because of that, but for some reason I am a little nervous. Sometimes does it take seeing the ex again to actually help me realize that I'm further than I thought, or am I better safe than sorry??