I'm so speechless right now.
Wonderful.

There is a difference between being controlling and being in control. There is a difference between being dominant and being domineering.

The main problems with many break ups is that they focus on power and control, not unconditional love and compassion. These derive from unhealthy common paradigms of what relationships are about.

The problem with many relationships and the common ideas and phrases we use about them is that they are based on controlling or manipulating people or owning them. They refer to a lack of self-control and focus on controlling someone else or being controlled by someone else. "Falling in love" or "my better or other half" implies a lack of control and low-self esteem.

Women want a man who tells it like it is and has a stronger reality than them and when your reality is based on LOVE, not neediness or control, men will make women far happier.

Relationships are a one day at a time thing. We get into them with the intent of the long term or to see what we can learn from one until it is no longer appropriate with that person. Relationships are a learning experience and if they become no longer appropriate, we need to accept the other person for who they choose to be and how they choose to live their life. We need to wish them well and let them go. You can still be friends with them.

When we get "hurt" by break ups it's because we are choosing to be and it usually boils down to a low self-esteem, confusing neediness as love, being insecure or having other beliefs about relationships that imaginary and false. You get your security from self-love and self-acceptance.

Unconditional love means accepting people for who they are, but having enough love and dignity for yourself not to put up with people's games or abuse. People who are abused repeatedly, won't use their personal power to stop the abuse and won't leave a relationship because "they love the other person" are confusing neediness for love and do not have enough love for themselves to leave.

When we break up with someone, they deserve to know why, in case they want to learn something. Someone who doesn't tell you or avoids you, is usually scared but if they are too cold and manipative to tell you, they are doing you a favor by leaving you.

Thanks. This site is definitely opening my eyes.

Ur comment was not only great but one of the missing positive smash to my literary concerns.I hope you can be more forth-coming on my future posts?
U are a very patient person.
Thanks for being there.

How can I upload my pix for you to see how I look?
Have a great week ahead
God bless

Hi guys, I been falling back into regretting the breakup and been trying to think of ways to try to get her back. I realize I should not do this.

Just by reading this thread, it's helping me to don't fall back into the trap. Keeping No Contact and just putting the past behind. Be strong and live your life happy even being single.

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

How to get him/her back..


Sometimes letting go allows you to see if it was worth holding on to.
I am going to love myself enough to know that ignoring someone else issues is me settling.

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I love these, thank you .

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

You are awesome allowing yourself to love another uncondtionally explains alot about your character, some ppl never have the oppurtunity to love like this.. To truly know what it means to love, and be loved.. You experienced it, you have changed someone's life whether you like to believe it or not and to be able to say those THREE words and mean it, are truly special... I hope that each day would get better for you, and who knows you can reconnect again at some point later in life, just don't make any hasty moves to destroy that give the space they ask for. I know I am with an ex 10 years later... I would have never in a million years would have imagined us to be together again.. but here we are whether we make it or not for another 10 years I am so thankful to love him again... We were able to rekindle our old flame because of the way we left eachother....

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I think that's awesome , to return with your ex after 10 yrs. Were you both OK when you first broke up? Were you in contact during those years? Tell me a little bit more about it , please.

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Originally Posted by COCADA

I think that's awesome , to return with ur ex after 10 yrs. Were you both ok when you first broke up? Were you in contact during those years? Tell me a little bit more about it , please.

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When we split, it wasn't any hard feelings, hurt yes because we loved each other but I just knew I couldn't wait for him, and I knew he wouldn't wait for me no contact for those 10 years. He got married, and I got married. I had two beautiful children from that marriage, and he had none. Long story short, we both got divorced.

He was living in NC, and I am in NJ, never would have thought we would ever see each other again. He moved up here to NJ for a job, and we pretty much ran into each other, been together ever since. We are married and we just had a beautiful son on April 11. I love him more now than I ever did before.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

When we split, it wasn't any hard feelings, hurt yes because we loved eachother but I just knew I couldn't wait for him, and I knew he wouldn't wait for me no contact for those 10 years. He got married, and I got married. I had two beautiful children from that marriage, and he had none. Long story short, we both got divorced.

He was living in NC, and I am in NJ, never would have thought we would ever see eachother again. He moved up here to NJ for a job, and we pretty much ran into eachother, been together ever since. We are married and we just had a beautiful son on April 11. I love him more now than I ever did before.

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That is awesome, do you think a couple could get back together even after having a hard break up? Do you think that after so many years there could be flame form that relationship?

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Originally Posted by COCADA

That is awesome, do you think a couple could get back together even after having a hard break up? Do you think that after so many years there could be flame form that relationship?

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Anything is possible, as we can change and grow as individuals.

However, if the relationship was bad to an abusive point of view, I would hope no one wants to get back into any relationship of that nature whether it is verbal, or physical.

After time passes, not all goodbyes are forever. I do feel that people shouldn't wait though, or live their entire life wanting the person to come back. As I told you I moved on with my life after my divorce and after my break up.

That is so true, I think we're both very young still, I mean my ex and I, he was my first true love and I vented horribly with him after the break up, I just couldn't undertstand why he kept telling me that he loved but the we couldn't be together right now, that made me really mad and upset, because I always thought that when you truly love someone you at least try to make it work, and he just broke it up just like that, he tried to explain to me a million times that he loves me but that he can't be with me right know, we saw each other on weekends because we live around an hour away form each other. He said that it hust him not to be with me more time than that, and that's why he had to ended.

Here is my thread. I wold love some advice form you.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...le-373374.html

Besides the NC I'm going through, I'm following your advice as well jol. :)

I love this.. Great piece of writing.. Really meaningful..

Great advice, I just got off a break up and I needed to hear this, but it is so hard to implement all this, how do you make them sink into your heart and mind?? For one to survive

Thanks jolie 4 your great advice I'll try 2 love myself more and know myself better

Well what if you change for the better, and yet they still dislike you? I changed but BECAUSE I became a better person she doesn't like me. Her own pride is getting in the way of accepting me now. Now what happens? Your screwed that's what happens. People need to move on, life is way to short to be gloomy for 5 months over a break up. Im having to deal with a break up too, and it was the best relationship and days of my life (at the start it was). I have to follow my own advice and get over the break up (no easy task).

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

lol... well get to writing..

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Great insight!

This was good. Its hard but eventually better for you in the long run :)

Great insight and an incredibly deep subject. "getting your ex back" You (meaning me) are the one that have departed from yourself. Work on your own life to get "you" back. It is only then that you will be able to love again and be the person your partner needs.

My 3 year relationship was great up until the last 6 months. We spent too much time with each other and neglected to care for ourselves. We were constantly trying to change each other into what we wanted the other person to be. People need time and space. I believe in fate and that if something is truly meant to be yours for a lifetime, then it will be. Have to learn not to force anything. That just causes misery and what is that saying? Misery loves company? I miss her company to this day and it has just about been 2 months since the split. I violated the NC in the beginning but have been sticking to it for the last 3 weeks. Thanksgiving was really rough and Christmas is going to be even tougher. Stay strong my friends. You are blessed and highly favored!! Everything happens for a reason although you might not see it right away. This too shal pass

Lol great advice. He dumped me I find myself again, I now thank him for giving me the best moments of my life and letting me find myself again. He said he loved me for who I was, not for who I was pretending to be

Thanks for the information

The fact is, it is human nature to get very comfortable with someone, and dependent on that person, so when suddenly you are faced to go it alone, of course you're not going to go quietly. You act and do things that to someone else, you are insane. If you're a woman, you cry a lot, spned time with friends, and tell yourself that your ex is all to blame. If you're a man, you call, text, beg, grovel, whatever you can to get back together cause you really miss the convenience of the sex, and everything else. Ultimately, the woman has the advantage because most men will do anything for that little bit of pleasure that women provide. Women like the romantic happy ending in life, men like the uncomplicated, easy chase so they can concentrate on more important things like football, poker, and drinking with their buddies.

I really want me ex back is because:
1. she smells real good although she is not the prettiest
2. she is really understanding until the breakup that she kept to herself for so long
3. she's the kind of girl that if I love u, ill love you more
4. she kept our financial really strong with proper plan
5. she hang out with all my friends and I didn't really join her friends
6. I asked for break 4 times although I'm not serious and she endure that and call me back
7. I blamed myself for not treating her good but 1 thing I can't understand that why she can't sit down and we discuss over this after 4 years but she have a new guy right after we broke up.
8. she's not materialistic. We can't afford luxury and good food, she will understand.
9. gosh, I misses her and I love her.
10. I would definitely want her back if possible but I'm trying to move on.

2 serious relationships in my lifetime.. current one is still in dilema stage (although with great help from people here plan B is laying itself in place nicely) but once he is gone there is absolutely nothing that I'd like back from either.

Neither one made me feel like I was special. The first made me feel more like a welcome/exit mat and for 6 years I put up with 'alot' of physical and mental abuse, wish this place was around back then.

The current, is comfortable. Though I have lost my identity. I spent 4 years after my first relationship 'finding myself' again. Found it and then consequently lost it again because I was to happy to please my current. In doing so he had everything he wanted while I feel I've had nothing in return. Because on your 10th yr anniversary a hug saying 'cant believe we lasted this long' solidifies the love and devotion you've had for such person.

Perhaps one day I will find that someone who will make me feel like Im worthy. Then, god forbid it end, I'd then have something I could reminisce on as having an ex I wanted back.

I'm sorry but if they are an ex there is a reason for that so they can't be that amazing.. It is obviously feelings that are clouding your judgment to mislead you into 'idolising' them.. As time passes you will see that they are not that great... :)