My parents are telling me to respond back and ask what's going on. Part of me wants to. But I don't know.
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My parents are telling me to respond back and ask what's going on. Part of me wants to. But I don't know.
Is she showing any signs of interest in other people?
And does she do this a lot?
I don't think you are going to get anywhere with her to be completely honest.
I have a feeling that even if you called her or showed up at her house or whatever she still would not want to talk or give you an honest answer.
I think you need to just wash your hands of this whole situation. This girl changed and just decided to be insanely disrespectful and insanely immature. Tell your parents that you agree but you know that you are going to get nowhere with her because of how she is acting.
It's just such a weird turnaround. I've known her for almost a year now and she was probably my best friend in that time. This past week, she's changed so much. I've never seen her act this way before. That's basically all I'd want to tell her in the e-mail I'd send back.
I just don't think you are going to get anywhere and I don't think it is worth you expending the energy on. You are not going to get the closure you want from her. Its not going to happen. You need to resign to the fact that something has probably been going on with her for a while and its just coming out now in the most f'ed up way possible. Something has caused her to do this insane change and sadly you may never know why. My guess is that it 100% has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with her.
I sent her another message... I'm sorry but I just had to do it. Basically saying that she's hurting me and making me feel like **** and I don't know why.
Then I saw her on campus with her aunt this morning. Oh lord that was awkward. She said hi so I said hi back, but it was just weird. She hasn't read the message yet.
Okay NO MORE MESSAGES.
VADawg you are not going to get closure from her. You are not going to get anywhere with this. You are just going to drive yourself nuts trying to get some closure out of her. You need to find your own closure and just move on and start to heal.
Don't worry... I'm done.
*edited out my message because I don't want her to find it in the future*
I just needed to get it off my chest. But I promise, that's the last one.
Good. I wouldn't expect a reply but I guess at least you've said your piece. I'm guessing school is starting so at least you will be busy and will have less time to focus on what just happened.
Yeah... but I'm probably going to bump into her everyday. We have classes in the same building at the same time. I guess I'll just be civil and say hi but it's going to be tough.
I can't recall the message but I kind of want to now when I think about it. It was mostly just a knee jerk reaction on my part. Damn, I wish I could take it back.
She sent this back today:
**edited out message for my privacy**
Lol whatever... she's just avoiding what I really want to hear.
All my buddies are telling me to respond with crap like:
The jerk route:
You didn't hurt me at all, go live it up, because I am doing the same. In case you haven't noticed, there are tons of women here, I think I'll be all right.
Or
I'm not really hurt, there really is nothing wrong with me.
They're saying if I don't respond, it'll make it look like I am too hurt/angry to respond.
You are hurt, and this last messages begs no response. I think Vdawg, that you could solve your problems by letting this whole thing go, and finally moving on with your life, and leaving your friends advice of a response behind also. Its time to put the hurt and confusion, behind you and look forward.
I would appreciate it if you didn't rate someone unless they are totally incorrect. When it is a matter of opinion, especially about relationships, then the answer that someone gives is subjective. Most of us who have been on this site awhile only rate people if they are totally off base or inappropriate in their answers. Even then, we will agree in the rating an let a poster know in a rating about how we really feel. I hate the rating system.Quote:
mckenzie134 disagrees: Sometimes people who hve beentogether for a while and don't live together like to say goodnight on the phone. Nothing unhealthy about loving someone.
Why do you want to call your girlfriend everyday? All I can say is that in life there is no code or book written to what you should or not do when it comes to relationships. You can tell your girlfriend that you busy and she should accommodate you and your schedule in her life and if she can't do that, then she really doesn't like you for you!
I think I'd go a little nutsy if my beau called everyday. We live pretty far apart while I finish school so I usually drop him a note or email every few days just to let him know I'm fine. At least using email or text messaging it's more on your terms and doesn't require instantaneous feedback. You can just say you were away from your computer, cell phone, etc. (which I'm assuming you are with your schedule) without causing any hurt feelings.
It doesn't saying weather it was correct or incorect I just said I don't agree with your advice.Quote:
Originally Posted by Clough
Some people like a phone cal to each other at night..
In a healthy relationship, its not nessesary to call everyday. All couples set their own rules.
Following up on this:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ip-122328.html
That was probably the most messed up break up I've ever gone through. She never called and just completely ignored me. Then after saying she wanted to be friends, she just blew me off and wrote me off as a friend. The last couple days I've noticed she's checked my myspace page often (I have a tracker). I have done my best to just forget about her.
Then last night I was talking to her cousin (who my ex lives with) online. I've always been close with her cousin in a brother and sister type way. Apparently she heard about this whole situation and wanted to set some things straight. She told me that my ex's aunt was angry at all the time she spent with me and thought it would be better if she just focused on her school work and home life over me. So, instead of just making it a clean break, her aunt wanted her to wait a few days to make it seem like she blew me off to make me pissed off. Then when her aunt called me that one day, it was because my ex didn't want to break up so her aunt just did it for her.
My ex and her aunt always had a very odd relationship. They spent way too much time together as it is... but this is just so odd. My ex tried calling me a couple times last week but I never picked up. Now she's checking my myspace almost daily. Could this actually be possible? Could her aunt REALLY be this immature enough to do this? Has anyone ever heard of this before?
It's just so odd and messed up that her aunt would do that to her if true.
First question: What do you want from her?
A relationship? A friendship? Words of validation?
Let me know and I'll give some ideas
Initially I just wanted a friendship because she was really my best friend. All I really want at this point are words of validation. I was left in the dark and hearing this made me feel even worse. I just wish she'd contact me somehow so this can all be settled. I hate being at odds with someone and it's not like I can avoid her... I see her everyday at school.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ash123
Dawg you are never going to get closure from her. You now at least have the reason and I personally think it's a little bs. If she wanted to be with you she wouldn't let someone else convince her to end a relationship that made her happy and that she wanted to stay in. This girl is a mess (As we've already established) be glad she's gone and find your own peace
If she wants to clear her name, she can right? She has ways to reach you right?
She can leave a message. It seems like you are DEFINITELY on her mind. THAT is validation.
She cares about you and she may make it clearer one day... In fact, NC is working so well I'd ask you this:
If you had the option - would you date again? If you can say no, you may be ready to take a friendly call... and end the standoff.
For now, if you are unsure, wait. Life is short and if you can handle the risk, a day may come when you can let her clear her name and maybe feel better...
But try to hold on for now... And see how you feel by Christmas.
I would never date her again... not after all this BS and two breakups. No chance in hell. I don't care how much she changes, it just won't happen. But I would like to be friends with her still. I don't know why, because she did treat me like crap. She was once my best friend and I've never been as close to someone as I was with her. It's just hard losing someone like that and trying to forget about them. I can't stop thinking about her.
This isn't like the first time she broke up with me where I wanted her back as a girlfriend so badly... now I don't. I just want this whole situation to be resolved.
It will be resolved.
Taking your time is helping that.
Her treating you like crap makes you want it all to make sense.
But she has issues and glad you are starting to see it.. but wait a bit and when the time is right
Have a civil conversation to clear the air... and do NOT sleep with her or it's back the start.
I think it depends on your relationship and how it started, if in the beging you started seeing each other a lot and talking more then once a day then I think you should call her everyday cause if you don't she might think somthings wrong, and I'm sure she'd like to talk to you every day even if its only for a min.
But if you guys have always been in a relationship where you don't need or want to talk everyday then its fine not to...
But I know I'd like a call everyday
This is a follow up on this situation:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ip-122328.html
She basically broke up with my through myspace and didn't answer the phone. I had no clue what was going on and was prepared to write her out of my life.
Well, this ex just sent me a message on myspace (removed actual message just in case she stumbles upon this place) basically saying that she saw me the other day and that she misses me as a friend because I always cheer her up. She said her dad was not doing well and she needed someone to talk to. That I always cheered her up and she left her phone number.
She even sent me a friend request.
I have no clue what to even do. On one hand, I want to call and see what's going on. On the other hand, she really messed up my head and I was really pissed about this whole situation. What would you guys do in this situation?
Strong dilemma. I've found the moral way is the best way. If in your heart you care for her, you should be there for her. However, do this cautiously because she may have just realized she misses you or even worse she may have ended it with another guy and you're a rebound. The other reason could be she may have cut you off because of what happened to her father out of fear you would abandon her (insecurity can be cruel). You must find out how ill her father is. I know it sounds terrible but it is crucial since it could just be an attempt to tug at your heart strings. Be yourself and remain guarded emotionally. Now from the previous post it seems she is a bit of a user.Quote:
Originally Posted by VADawg
The thing is, her father has been alcoholic his entire life and this situation always arose when I did talk to her as a friend and a boyfriend. I'm not sure if she's just using it as an excuse to talk to me now or if it really is happening. It's such a reoccuring problem that I can't even be sure.
I'm asking my family about it and they all think I should just respond to her angrily or not at all. That's just not in my nature. I am one to give people second chances when they screw up; it's just how I am. I want to call her but just not tonight. I need time to think about it.
Should I even respond to this message? She left her number at the end so I think she just wants me to call. I don't know what to do.
For some reason I still do care for her. I know most people would cut somebody off that did this to them, but she was my best friend before this happened. It was just so out of her nature to do this to me. I don't think she was thinking at the time what kind of repercussions would come from it.
I don't know... this is so confusing.
I hate to tell you this man, but considering the family history she has the situation is only going to keep repeating. You have a romantic's heart which is why you are willing to help. Don't lose that but at the same time don't lose yourself. It's great that you aren't cynical and nihilistic. If you must be there for her tell her you are willing to talk to her about it but assert you don't feel like you could be in a relationship with her either. That what she has done to you hasn't been right and that you wish she could have been more of a friend to you, then immediately ask her how she feels about her pops. Remain emotionally guarded. Do not concede anything to her, especially if she says I miss you don't say it back. Be there for a few weeks and once her focus goes away from her father than back off. Also talk to her on the phone or email only. Do not see her just talk to her. Remain distant.
She says she needs a friend. Do you want to be her friend? Let her know. If she is angling for more, you need to decide if you are available at her beck and call to cheer her up.
I understand where you're coming from. I just need to say something to her to make myself feel okay... you know? It'll eat at my conscience.
But about not seeing her in person, we actually go to the same college and I see her almost everyday. If I really wanted to, I would run into her everyday, but I take different routes just to avoid her. These past 2 weeks I've noticed her staring at me from afar. I'm worried she might come up to me and strike up a conversation or something. I don't think I'm ready to see her and talk again like that. I can handle the phone or e-mail... just not face-to-face.
That seals it. I believe she is going to try and get you back. I would remain guarded. Your behaviour does show something interesting though. Guilt is the reason you want to help her. So you aren't doing this for the sake of caring for her or morality but to ease your guilt. That is a near co-dependent behaviour. You have to do it for the right reasons. It's no coincidence that the daughter of an alcoholic would want to be with someone who is overtly giving. Think about it long and hard before you commit these emotions.
I guess it is kind of that way. Of course I still care for her, but it would be in my head at all times if I don't call her. I need to say something to feel right. So yeah, I guess it is more for me than anything. But I also do want the best for her. She was my best friend at one time, so her well being is important to me.
I don't know if you read my previous posts or not, but she has broken up with me twice before in boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. Both time she told me she wasn't ready for a relationship. I fear she'll try again and I do not want that to happen. Moving forward, I want to be nothing more than a friend.
Yes I did read them. She is more likely to do it again and again. It's a characteristic of children of alcoholics. They say they will change and they don't and they repeat and repeat and repeat. I would be forward and state that you are only willing to be a friend now because she hasn't treated you as good as you deserve.
Definitely. The relationship the second time went the Same way. We were great for about a month and then she started getting distant. Then she dropped the bombshell on me. I'm not stupid enough to try again because I know it won't work... not to mention she's going into the army in January. So there's no chance anyway.
But it's pretty much determined I will call her. I just have to. Where it will lead I have no idea, but we'll see. Do you think I should wait awhile or just do it tomorrow?
Do it when you have time. Don't put anything to the side for it. Since you aren't getting back with her be emotionally supportive but do not tell her how YOU feel at all in regards to missing her or liking/loving her. She says I feel sad tell her I feel sympathy make a joke or whatever it is you do and talk about how she feels about her dad. Keep on subject.
So I shouldn't bring up how much she hurt me then? Just be distant about that?
Your call, if you bring it up it might hurt or frustrate her but it will make her realize you aren't for the taking and she will either back off or come harder. If you don't it will make her feel like she may be able to weasel her way into getting you back anyway but she will continue thinking that she can get away with how she acts.
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