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Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedandLost
I am already going through a lot of heartache and pain so yes I am willing to do what it takes to get there with her. I know that things happen for a reason, just can't stop thinking there is something I can do. I guess I will just have to let things happen, I am trying my best.
Here is some insight into my situation right now - my boyfriend of 4 yrs ended our relationship 3 weeks ago. The first week I was a mess - calling him all the time, bawling my eyes out LOOKING for excuses to call. The Monday, 1 week after our breakup we had a talk and set a boundary. Two weeks of NC and we would talk then - what I didn't realize was that by asking him for this boundary he felt like he HAD to give me an answer in that allotted time. After a close friend speaking with him I realized that he felt like this and we spoke again that evening. During that conversation we came to a compromise. He wanted to be around to see me evolve and I wanted him there as well - we set a date to spend time together. He showed up at my house on Sunday (2 weeks after the breakup) unannounced - I was surprised and delighted, HOPE! That same day we had talked about hanging out the following evening - he called shortly after making the plans to say he had acquired hockey tickets and had to cancel - so, there is cancellation number 1. Last night we were to hang out - after ringing his phone too many times to count we finally got in contact - he had, had a bad day and to compound that I had called him 6 times. He yelled at me and told me he would call me in a bit - that bit was an hour. Once again he said "What time are you heading to bed tonight - I'm grumpy and I was wondering if I could call you in an hour." By this time it would have been 8:30pm and to top it all off I had refused plans with another friend. I did this in fear that if I canceled with my ex he would be angry. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. His tone of voice and lack of understanding last night pushed me over the edge - I drove to his house and confronted him. He explained that he is so frustrated right now that he can't get in contact with his true feelings - until he does a relationship is not possible. He mentioned seeing a counselor to help him get past his frustrations.
Once again we are on NC - but the difference this time is, I am moving on. As a couple we are toxic right now and until we both fix our issues we cannot be together. In the state I am in and the state he is in we would do nothing more then make things worse - and I feel that this may be the same for you. You are toxic right now and until you can be happy with you and who you are things won't work, no matter how much you try to show her you have changed. In your situation the change would be seen as superficial and only done to win her back. Just my opinion.
Thanks for your story and opinion. Well I kind of agree with you because it seems like we both have some issues but really she is the one with issues with us. I want to be that guy that I was , and let it slip over time. I think she is afraid of giving me another chance and it going back to how it was, therefore wasting her time. I keep thinking there has to be a way to make see her see clearly but I guess their isn't right now. I am going to try to give her the space she wants, maybe that will clear her vision to who I really am and what we have together. Its hard to know though, I am confused because she is still confused and unsure what she wants. Should I just ask her straight up what she wants from me and from her life right now? Maybe get a better understanding of what she is thinking.Quote:
Originally Posted by farfrmnormal
If she is confused how can she tell you what she wants?
You can compound the problem by continually asking her. When I continually pushed for an answer from my ex it made things worse.
She may be the one for you, but she isn't right now.
I understand being confused, because I am too - but what I do know is I can't and don't want to be with someone who is and the fix to confusion is them figuring it out on their own - you can't help her now, and until she fixes her issues there is nothing.
Well I agree with you , it just sucks.Quote:
Originally Posted by farfrmnormal
You it does - I am going through the same thing right now. But you got to be strong for yourself, otherwise you are going to go crazy - if things don't work out this could mess things up for you for a long time.
You may want to invest in some self help books - right now I am reading a good one about how men and women are different and what to do about it. Its easier when you understand how men and women think.
OK so everyone is pretty much in agreement that I should leave her alone and give her some time. But lets say that in the near future, we are still talking here and there and I can tell she hasn't forgotten about me and still cares about me, if I did something really nice and romantic , like something so special that she would have to be impressed , would that help at all? I know I sound like a hopeless romantic but since this is what she really felt was missing in our relationship would that in any way possibly make her see that I can be that person she wants? I am just thinking here, not planning anything just seeing what you all say, but I can kind of guess what you will say. I just think that if eventually I don't try or do anything, that I may be losing an opportunity and always wonder what if..
If she ever gets to the point where she might want to be with you again, I think she will let you know.
I may have already said this but remember the line between a lovesick person who wants to see their love that wants space... and what constitutes a stalker can be quite blurry and hard to define. Please don't find yourself on the wrong side of it. Nobody is worth it. They asked for space you need to give it. Let them come to you. If you come to realize what kind of person they really are before that happens it's their loss to deal with.
So if one day she wants me back, she will just come out and say hey lets get back together? Don't you think women like to be showed out of nowhere how special they are, w/out asking for it? I mean I know what you are saying but it would be kind of weird if she just came out and was like hey I was wrong, aren't some women too stubborn to admit it even if that's how they feel? She asked for the break for her reasons, isn't it sometimes up to the other person to show them that they were wrong and they made a mistake. Kind of a prove me wrong situation. I don't know, I am not a girl but that also makes sense. If I broke up w/ a girl because she was too possessive or whatever, and she made an effort to show that she changed and really cared about me I think I would be more inclined to give her another chance. But I don't know maybe that's just me. That is of course if I didn't hate her or leave on bad terms which we didn't.Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
She broke up with you. If she wants you back she will let you know. If you broke up with her and decided you wanted her back, you would let her know.Quote:
Originally Posted by bummedout4
The only thing you need to show her is that you can respect her wishes.
Well I thought I would be able to make it through the day w/out getting emotional and tearing up but I couldn't. All I can do is think about her and how I just want to talk to her and see her. This is so hard I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I am drowning and can't do anything about it. Its hard for me to accept that there is nothing I can do to help this situation for both of us. I am not an emotional person at all and this is really making me feel a way I never have before. I don't feel like doing anything but being with her. Even yesterday, a day I have been looking forward for a while, Halo 3 game came out, I didn't even feel like playing it. This is affecting my life in a way I never thought possible. She knows how I feel and what I want but I just don't know why I am not good enough for her. Thinking about it makes me want to cry and wallow in self pity. What can I do? I really feel like she's the "one" for me and I don't want to let go, I just want to fight for the love I believe so strongly in.
Good good, keep crying and being miserable - but whatever you do don't call her. I'm serious! You crying and feeling sorry for yourself (despite you probably having a roof over your head, access to the internet, food, clothing, water, living in a free country), is better than you calling her.
Just don't call and never contact her. She knows it is up to her. Please give women more credit. You are so insecure that you keep thinking the worst... you're even thinking that if she ever wants to be yours again, she will hide the fact?! What?
Come on now! Women want to be with strong men that shine even without them. Like, who are you without her? So far you are saying "I'm a nobody". Is this attractive? Is this someone worth being with?
You need to pick yourself up and fast. You need to show who YOU ARE, and not who you are only when you are with a certain someone. Get your confidence back up!
This is a "test of life". Everything being okay and pleasant does not test how strong you are. This is the time to put yourself to a test, and to show the world what a super man you are. And believe me, the best of women will notice.
I know I am thinking of worse case scenario but I mean that's what a lot of people are saying. That I probably won't get back with her and she probably just wants to move on. I mean its hard to accept that. The only contact I had today was a quick text to wish her luck on her tests. I know even that isn't good but its hard because I just want her to know I am thinking of her and care about her doing well. I know I have it good compared to most of the world but after having her, nothing else will do. I feel like I messed up a great thing and I just want it back and to make it right. Why is love so difficult to keep and to understand?Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad Soul
You're having rejection issues. It is not that you aren't good enough for her, you just may not be the one for her and you know, she may not be the one for you either.
It may not be a bad idea for you to get some professional help with this. Someone to give you some tips on how to cope with this feeling of rejection.
You need to will yourself to get out and do other things. Start being concerned about your well being. You are a young man apart from her, she does not define who you are. Play you new video game, indulge yourself.
You guys could very well not be "the one" for each other. Sounds like she is probably your first love. Love and life can be difficult because we often have to make decisions and choices we would rather not make. But we live and learn.
You two may have been together for a season to prepare yourself and each other for another season with other people. This time can turn out to be a blessing in disguise.
Well I defintely do feel like I wasn't good enough and that she wants something else. That's part of the pain that I feel. I don't know if I need professional help yet but who knows how long this will drag on for. I just got off the phone with my exgf, she called me , and we just talked about her exams and how she was doing and everything. A pretty short conversation, 5 min or so, since she was going back to school for another exam. I know she's going through a lot of stress so I am not trying to add any for her by saying anything about feelings or whatever. When I talk to her I just feel better, still a little weird because I don't know how she feels talking to me but I feel so much better. I don't know if she wants to talk to me or she feels obligated to call me since she knows how much this situation is bothering me. Well I probably won't talk to her again tonight, unless she calls but I doubt it. I guess I can't tell if we are the "one" for each other but I do think so. But who knows, maybe we are just not right now or maybe we aren't. Either way I would rather know I gave her my all everyday and it not work than knowing maybe doing something differently would have avoided this whole situation.
You know you can sit there and kick yourself in the butt saying I should have or could have done this or that. I won't help. Here is a tip that I use to deal with my emotions after dealing with sucky situations. I grab a box of kleenix, I go to a solitary place (car, bedroom, etc.) and I bawl. I think about everything about the situation that pissed me off, hurt me, made me feel inadaquate, etc. As I think about those things, I cry even harder. Then, when I feel like I have emotionally been drained and I can't cry any more, I stop. And you know what? I feel a ton better. I have dealt with all of those bad emotions and they don't have power over me any more. Then, I look back at the situation with a clear head and analyze what life lessons I gained from that experience. Take this advice for what it is worth, but it may help... above all... DONT CONTACT HER... LET HER COME TO YOU. Well done on the staying cool during the exam call. Good job. That is the way to be.
OK so I hung out with her brother today, we are pretty close, so he came over and we just talked about everything going on and played some video games. He doesn't really talk to his sister (my exgf) so he doesn't really know anything about what's going on in her head. Anyway, her dad called me today, to ask if her brother had gotten here yet, and he was all nice like saying he missed me and not to give up and to win his daughter back. I mean I have been over there for 4 yrs so I know them pretty well and they know me and what kind of guy I am. Lately I hear that she has been fighting with her mom a lot about staying out reallly late and doing all these things that she hasn't before. I know the parents liked me and knew I was a good guy that would take care of her. This call from her dad made me think but I know that he doesn't really talk to her about anything going on. It kind of makes me feel that I shouldn't give up so easily but still give her space. I really don't want to lose her and feel I can make her see that she is missing out on a great guy. I am going to stick to the plan of not contacting her and see what she does. I hope we will be able to go out this weekend, but I am not pushing her to do anything. Well this is all I got for now, whenever I start to feel better I start to think about everything and feel like crap again. Hopefully tonight I can sleep w/out having dreams about her and us.
OK good morning everyone, today I am feeling better because well usually I would call my exgf every monring before work to say good morn and see how she's doing. Today I told myself I would not call and I stuck to it. She called me yesterday and I haven't talked to her since. So I didn't call this morn and felt bad but I stuck to it. I went to the bathroom, came back and I had a message on my phone. She had messaged me to say good morning so I answered and we went back in forth a little bit about her tests yesterday and what she's up to today. Seeing that she thought about me and took time out to message me really made me feel a lot better. So is this a good thing? Should I be encouraged that she at least thought about me this morn?
Your doing good, but one thing I want to caution you on. DO NOT read into anything! You going to fill yourself full of false hope. Take this day by day and step by step. Another thing is do not try and get any info about her, her feelings or what she is thinking from anyone. This will most certainly upset her, she will have people asking her this and that which will drive her away. Stay cool and stick to giving her space when she is ready she will let you know.
That's just like me and my fella I suggest you have a little break absence makes the heart grow fonder. When you see each other agen don't see each other too much because that's how you end up getting bored just see eachova of a weekend that will give both of you a break and if you have to maybe once in the week day. I beleave if you trully love each other it will go the distance. You don't have to go out there's loads of things you can do together in the house just pick something you both like doing and do it. When you have got money why don't you even try and wine and dine her if you haven't got enough money to go out why don't you supprise her may doing a caddle lite dinner in the house. If you think she's the one for you and it brings you even closer together again give it time then take her somewhere special and if you want to be with each other forever try and propse but surprise her.Quote:
Originally Posted by bummedout4
I hope I've been some help let me no how it goes in the near future.
Thanks for the posts everyone, I am trying to take it slow and let her miss me. I hope this works for the best.
It will either way... look at this way. If it works out the two of you are together happy and making new memories. If it does not you have learned from this, grown mentally and all of this pain that your going through will end. Either way you will be a happy person once again and whole... it only requires time, which we all have plenty of :)
Thanks, I know nothing is a sure thing but I feel better that she texted me than if she didn't. I didn't expect her to so I was surprised. I know this could mean a lot of different things and I am still taking it slow with her, maybe start with just going out and doing something together, don't know when but soon hopefully and then go from there. I am optimistic things will work out but this situation sure has taught me a lot about being in a long lasting mature relationship. I just hope I can move forward as a better person and partner with her.Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedandLost
Don't hope... know that you can. Remember only YOU can make it happen and right if you get that second chance. So get positive and don't blow it! OK :)
Thanks, you have really put me in a good state of mind today. I am feeling better and know that when the opportunity comes, I will be ready. But at the same time, I will be trying to have a better life all around and be more balanced to avoid any of these problems in the future.Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedandLost
Well I was feeling pretty good today after this morning, knowing that she was at least thinking of me. I probably just did something to make myself feel worse and I am stupid for it. During lunch I just texted her about that concert in a few weeks that I thought she would like to go. I just casually asked her if she would be interested since someone at work has tickets and giving them away. I know this was just setting me up for dissapointment and it was stupid. She said no thanks, which is fine, I didn't really expect her to say YES but I was hoping. Now I know I shouldn't have said anything proabably, but I didn't push it , just a casual question to gauge interest. So knowing that, I shouldn't really feel bad right? I probably should have known that she wouldnt' want to go for whatever reason. I guess if she wants to hang out with me SHE will say something. Its just hard to keep telling myself that because I know if she goes out on the weekend with other people and probably some other guy she has been talking to, she won't be thinking of me. I still don't understand why she would rather be w/ someone else than w/me who she knows loves her to death and just wants to make her happy. This is really the issue that bothers me most, if I knew she was just taking time to herself I wouldn't be as messed up in the head. I guess I should be happy she hasn't shut me out and not contacted me at all. I am getting impatient about this whole thing and just want her back. I know I have been over this before but its all I want. I just wish she would see what I can offer her, I mean she knows but she needs to know how I have changed. I guess I have to just wait for my chance.
You are not getting the fact that just because you love her, it does not mean that she should love you. She is getting on with her life. She is growing and changing and you are not the one for her. Leave her alone and get on with your life.
Stop beating yourself up. There is nothing wrong with you, you are just not the one for her and honestly, I don't think she is the one for you.
The longer you hold out, the worse its going to get for you. I hate to say it, but if she wanted to be with you she would be with you. I know you are thinking most of us don't know the whole situation, but most of us have been through the same or similar situation at some point. A relationship can't exist if only one person feels the way you do, it takes two and she isn't doing her part, you should take it as a sign. Im going to guess that she is still contacting you because after 4 years, its really tough to go full no contact.
You need to be strong and start focusing on yourself. Its easier said than done, but it won't start getting better until you allow it to! We are here to help you get through this, but you have to start helping yourself!
Thanks everyone, after today's text fiasco with the concert I am not going to contact her again. She will probably call me later but who knows. I guess if she wants to talk to me she will call and if she wants to do something, she will ask. So I guess from here on out I am not really going to call her for a while. I still feel pretty good knowing she contacted me this morning but I guess I shouldn't read too much into it but its better than her not contacting me right? Anyway... I am slowly starting to move forward but still have that thought in the back of my mind that things will work out. This is how I feel for now, who knows later, my emotions seem to change on an hourly basis. There just seems to be a struggle inside myself between letting go and to keep fighting for what I believe and feel so strongly about. I know I can't change her feelings right away but hopefully over time she will realize I am who she wants and thought I was. Well I appreciate everyone's support, I don't think I would be able to hold it together at all w/out everyone's advice.
I think from this point on, you should stop thinking things like 'her' and 'she'. It should be all about you from now on. She is gone (even if its just for now) and you need to focus on you. Its not going to be easy, and its not going to be quick.
I don't know if it will help you or not, but every day when I wake up I write down the date on a piece of paper, and build a long line of days representing no contact. Im up to 28 days myself and really every time I think of talking to her, I look at how long I've gone and how much it would suck to start again.
I never thought of it that way - she is gone from your life right now and thinking of it that way is probably the best way to handle things. YES she may or may not be back again but if you consider living NOW without them in your life its one more step to living next week and next month without them in your life.
Well the thing is that I know I will be talking to her here and there. I won't be calling her but I know she still wants to call me sometimes, and see what's going on with me. I mean after 4 yrs I would expect her to still care about me and have love for me. I think I just have to be strong and fight the urge to talk to her about what I feel and do something stupid. I keep thinking in my head that if I did something super-romantic and sweet that she loves, that it would make her look at me in a different light than what she does now. I know this probably isn't true but that would be a great story. For now I just have to control my urges and see what happens from here. I know it may not be healthy but I still do want her in my life, just hopefully one day the way I envisioned. I know I need to fight my urge to be depressed and go do stuff.Quote:
Originally Posted by madaman
All right guys I have been fine all day pretty much but just started feeling that impatient, uncontrollable feeling to want to talk to her and see her. I mean I have seen her 3 days in the past 18 and that is the least amount in over 4 years. I just want this to be over already, I have so much love pent up inside to just give to her, its so hard to keep it in and think about other things. Its like that feeling when you are waiting for something to happen and the time won't tick away. I just keep feeling like that every once in a while. It is really hard to concentrate on work and everything because my mind wanders. There needs to be something I can do other than just not talk to her. I am still so curious what are the real reasons she was unhappy with our relationship, I just want her to tell me and talk about them like we always use to. I need help.
If you need help then you should seek professional advice. Because you aren't listening to anything anyone is saying here - you are making excuses for your behaviour - that's fine at first but go back and read everything you have written and then sit back and think about your situation. Really, you are making it harder on yourself. I thought contact with my ex would make things easier - instead it made things worse. We are not talking again - dude, you are going to come across as a psycho to her if you don't do something.
Well I am not contacting her, I am just saying I feel like I really want to. I know she doesn't think I am a psycho because she knows this is hard for me. She says its hard for her too but it sure does seem easier for her since I guess she has her reasons. Its just hard when you don't really see why this is all happening and feel that it shouldn't have happened at all. I am trying to cope with it , and for the most part I have tried to keep it all in but sometimes its just too much to think about and handle.
Keeping it all in is bad - so is acting on your emotions - I know this from experience. I rushed over to my ex's house during one of our talking periods and I was ready to end it right then and there - I was angry and was not thinking. If I had have just kept up with NC and not started talking with him again. I would not have had that urge and I would not have made an out of myself had he not canceled plans for that night (If we were on NC I would not have been expecting to see him).
I never said she thinks you are a psycho now - what I am saying is, if you continue on the downward spiral you are currently on you MAY come across that way and ultimately the end of this would be YOUR FAULT and you would have no choice in the matter. Would you rather sit knowing that there may still be a chance or continue doing what you are doing to eventually push her to the point where she tells you to screw off and you have a restraining order put against you. Control what you can now, not what you can't.
Quote:
Originally Posted by farfrmnormal
Thanks, I definitely do want to think that there is a chance left because deep in my heart I know its true. You are right, the only thing I can control is how I handle myself alone and when I am around her or talking to her. I don't want to push her away, its just a lot of things running through my head all day that just messes with me.
I hear you - I have my moments where I am the same way. But one thing K said to me during our most recent conversation was "What would K want you to do?" So if you have the urge you sit back, breathe and say "What would she want me to do?" I know K would want me to be strong and not let my emotions run wild - so I sit back, breathe take a moment to say "Stop, you are being irrational" and I move on. I can't say I will always be this posed about the situation, but it is helping me right now. I try not to think about what he is doing because that doesn't matter - it's that I am getting better for myself and my future.
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