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Thanks Tal, Friend and CF! I am getting help for this,my therapists is trying to get me focused more on my career and where I'd really want to live,which is not in this junk town. As for contact I can't say that I can shake it,I feel lits like a sickness, I go back get dissapointed,go back,I've been thinking of joining some kind of AA or Coda group because I admit this is unhealthy. Every time I talk to him I feel like an empty well,he gets to be casual imepersonal,I get to still want him.
That's the thing , you know every time you speak to him it's going to hurt.
How many times would you hit your thumb with a hammer until you stopped.
I don't think that you can do both. You just can't. You're just letting this unhealthy connection drain you.Quote:
I don't want to totally never speak to him again since he does reach out to me;However,I don't want to just be the ear piece or person he vents to about life or chitchat about impersonal stuff (breadcrumbs if you ask me) when deep inside I want more,and I realize that I'll never get it from him. I feel like a woman lost in a desert trying to get water,all I get is drops or a mirage.
Clearly this obsession is affecting your emotional and mental health and you need to stop. You know this. It's bad for you and it's stopping you getting on with your life.
You don't need a relationship to forget him, you need to connect with yourself again. Somehow the relationship with your ex has left you unhealthily connected to him and disconnected from yourself. You need to metaphorically clear your mind of this man and disconnect from the ties that bind you to him.
Stop contacting him. Change your number, email, Facebook (whatever), so he can't contact you.
Stop thinking of yourself as a potential couple and think of yourself as an individual. A relationship won't solve your core problem, which is a sense of disconnection from yourself. In order to connect with your 'self' you need to find that person again.
Try to find some joy in your life, loneliness is a state of mind not a state of being.
Take pleasure in a nice day, the birds singing, the smell of flowers. Spend time with people that you care about that know you and will nurture you. Eat a lovely meal and focus on tasting the food. Clean your house, open the windows and let the fresh air in. Buy some new bedding and revel in the feeling of the fresh sheets. Buy yourself a nice dress and make yourself beautiful. Join a book group, go to the movies - take an interest in people and in life.
Eventually your own interests and life will take over and he will fade in importance. But, you must stop contacting him. Just do it. Bite the bullet. For yourself.
Wow Gemini, your answer is unbelievable, and of course I appreciate the other responses. I know that this situation is off kilter that it is draininng me and yes some of it is due to loneliness. I always thought a cure would be to meet someone or better move to the big city. Another poster urged me to make female friends,to me that's just as elusive as getting a boyfriend.
You call them they don't call you back,your invisible as soon as they meet someone. Really! I have this friend,well I thought she was,I literally have to beg her to hang out just for a few minutes,but to no avail. Other so call friends do the same,but they'll quickly be available to whatever guy there's with.
I hate the fact that I'm stuck and he has way moved on and has me as the fallback girl on the side , a role I cemented by not letting go.
Yes Friend4u that hammer is hurting my thumb hard though its familiar but uncomfortable.
Hmm,nice bedding sounds tempting.
Sorry, I edited the spelling mistake a bit later - hah! A book group...Quote:
Originally Posted by vivia12
Thanks gemini, I quickly edited mine after I saw yours, I wouldn't mind a Boo group,there's lots of ghost humters in LA. I'll try your advice, I read somewhere that people with addictions is trying to fill a void in their lives. I understand that void perfectly,I have to realize that he is not the answe,
There is a really old book called "Cutting the Ties that Bind", it has a great mental exercise in it with a figure 8 which assists you to cut the energetic ties that bind you to a person.. .Quote:
Originally Posted by vivia12
This is a link to a website that talks about it..
Sealed With Love - Cutting The Ties That Bind
PS I love the idea of a boo group! The mind boggles.
Please take me to the BOO club as well! I am sure that would make me forget about work after work! :D
Excellent posts Gemini!!
Thanks Gem,I'll definitely read that article,always looking for good things to read instead of "men Who Can't Love"!
Okay CF you are one of the first Members of the Boo club! That really sounds fun plus I really appreciate talking to both of you,online support is just as important. Say,maybe we can talk about ghost and paranormal sighting or stories of them,Louisiana's old plantations and New Orleans are ghostly central. Gemini Are there plenty of ghostly activities in Australia?
This is really really cheering me up immensely! :)
Viva, Girl, you just have to stop.
Get off that emotional roller coaster. Only YOU can stop it.
Be like Smokey the Bear, "Only YOU can prevent emotional roller coasters." Get off the track.
I've had to do the same thing at one time... you just stop. Make the decision and act on it. Don't let yourself cheat your own heart.
Well Australia is one of the oldest continents in the world, so there is lots of 'booing' going on here! The Aboriginal Dreamtime has many stories of unearthly beings - mind you New Orleans and its voodoo traditions sound pretty spooky!Quote:
Originally Posted by vivia12
Hey,see,there's a total difference in your tone when you write about your ex and when you just loosen up and write about other stuff.Quote:
Originally Posted by vivia12
I think that's your cue--spread your wings and fly,check out newer horizons and widen your vistas.If reading about "ghostly activities" is cheering you up,then so be it.Maybe you can try your hand in exploring that area,read and write on it,maybe even form a funny little group where you can exchange funny stories and all that.
Once you start opening up and exploring the world,there's no end to what you will find around the next corner.
You want to waste all that moping for a guy who's maybe lapping it all up while you sit in the dark confines of your room?
Vivia,just go VIVE(live,in espanol),laugh your guts out,sing,dance,go crazy.You have only one life and you want to make it a HAPPY,COLOURFUL one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Starry nights
I like that Vive! I do try to venture out and do other things but as usual old habits die hard and I do check if he called or IM me and nope, nothing since Monday,I guess he is lapping it up. Countless of times I ask myself why should I care so much about a guy who chose to be with someone else? even if its convenient or not,still it's the same,I wasn't the one.
I'm planning on going to see my dad in Chicago soon so believe e I am so looking forward to getting away. Interesting Gemini said there Australia's an old continent imagine the ghosts lurking about,I do like to explore other things,at least to keep me occupied but have been just feeling stuck,but not to any dark confines in my room-apartment at least I'm good about that
Threads merged
Hi everyone!
I haven't been here for a spell,I have a question that has been haunting me,so I thought I'd ask here.Do people chose who they will treat decently and who they will treat like trash,
For example,would a dumper who treated his exes like trash,and who is basically a player who strings women online or offine along,discard them like trash and can at times can be verbally abusive Does he/or she acts poorly that way whomever their with better?
Or is it a part if their character flaws,how does that work?
Most of my friends believe that this kind of person will be the same to his current flame,that's who they are regardless,but I however disagree,I believe a dumper would never treat his current girlfriend like trash,not if he seems committed in a form of shacking up with her but that's another story.
I just need some honest opinions or perhaps some experiences in that matter. I'm sure I'll get a couple of "Who cares' or 'it doesn't matter' but it doesn't hurt to ask,especially if one wants to better her or himself in order to not attract another ambivalent non caring person (basically a Jerk) again. Thanks!
Wow, has something happened to make you ask this question?
A series of things happened since my last posts,but I'm on NC,well I have no choice since he bolted on me for good anyway. But this question has been plaguing me so I'd thought I'd ask
People do choose how they treat others- how we're treated by them usually has some say in how we treat them back. Most people don't follow the golden rule of "treat others how you want to be treated." The reason why is because humans are very selfish.
Whoever this person is you're talking about he is probably bipolar- bipolar means he will have anger spells, bad behavior, and become enraged out of the blue- but he also has the ability to be very nice, and show a great personality, which is why his significant others will stick around.
If he was dumping girls left and right and you stumbled upon him, I would question how much I want to risk for a relationship with this guy, and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Be very cautious with your relationship with this guy (even if you've already broke up and are trying to get over it- the guy is still there, and if he was verbally abusive and treated you wrongly, you'll want to watch out in case he makes any attempts to get back together, wants to get back at you for leaving him, becomes jealous of any other guys you might be seeing, or becomes stalkerish.) If you're still with him, you should probably look into his past relationships, and test how much you trust, love, and respect each other. a.k.a. don't rush, and don't dive in head-first.
To answer your last question, in order to avoid attracting a stalkerish guy is to begin to send out better signals to guys. Guys are already attracted to you if you're a single girl- you just have to make the attraction positive. Don't run around showing your cleavage and your legs or you will attract guys who want your cleavage, and your legs. If you're a modest, respectfull, confident woman, who respects herself, you will attract loving men who want to respect you. Guys choose who they want to be in a relationship with- but what guys think of you, is up to you.
Another good idea is to not go dating for anyone until you are ready to get married. Either you will get married to a man, or you will break up with him (there's no other option.) If you want a relationship to last, both of you should go into it with the intention of marriage.
Hi Vivia
As they say a Leopard doesn't change it's spots , I believe once a player/abuser they will remain the same in the long run.
They may pretend to be someone else in the Honeymoon period of a new relationship , but they can only pretend for so long.
That's just my opinion.
I think the best indication of a person's current and future behavior is their past behavior. If they have treated their Ex GF's like trash sooner or later they will begin to treat their current GF like trash. This is their pattern and their personalty type.
Abusers are essentially selfish - they are moody, self centered and defensive. They are also intolerant, aggressive and demanding. In the first romantic flush of a relationship these characteristics will not be obvious as they put you on a pedestal. Once you show that you are in fact human, and we all are, the pedestal comes crashing down. It's just a matter of time.
This sort of behavior is ingrained and difficult to shift. If you can see that a man has been abusive to his ex partners I would be extremely wary, not matter how nice he may seem to be. This is not good relationship material!
Jerks can sometimes be tolerated, abusers never should.
Awesome answers thank you,I appreciate this very much,I really do!
Jaime, is it possible,that is just too good to be true to date someone/anyone whose marriage minded, I guess that's what they mean from raising the bar
Friend<you made very good points but sometimes it does feel like they single you out and that your e the recipient of their BS,that makes you think,hmm... I' sure they're not that way to their current flame,or that person would be out the door,just my opinion.
I definitely true,once they know that you're flesh and blood and have feelings and hurt,and wound,they not only crash you down but kick so hard you to the curb. Amazing,but are they like this with everyone else, Surely they are they would end up totally alone,would they?Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemini54
Like we said Vivia it's their behavourial characteristics and something that is very hard to change , yes they can pretend to be something else for a while but their personality will show in the end.
Therefore they don't necessarily end up all alone , because they either go from partner to partner OR they find someone who's willing to put up with that behaviour.
Abusers often have multiple relationships, or one person that tolerates the abuse.Quote:
Originally Posted by vivia12
They can be very discriminating about who they abuse, so for example, they may not be like this at work.
Essentially they they do it with the people they can have the most power over.
Friend,Gemini,this is very very informative,makes you think about things.. really,you're answering what's been plaguing me.. so te only way t stop this discrinmating from the ex practice I believe is total NC..
With an abusive ex, it's the ONLY answer.Quote:
Originally Posted by vivia12
"You're dead to me", is the only way to go...
Hey that's what we're here for , glad to have been of help ;)
And yep total NC and before you know it you won't even worry about it.
Viva12- I know first hand that you can find a guy who is marriage minded- it takes patience, and the right mindset for both of you. Just so you know I'm only 19, but I have a one and only and we're engaged. I went into a dating relationship with him with the intention of marrying him. I tested the waters first, I was friends with him, I saw how he treated me and my siblings, how he acted around my family, how he was in group settings and with my friends, etc. I even made sure that I felt comfortable around HIS family.
My twin sister is currently dating a young man, and both of them also have the intent on marriage, he is not religious at all, and is currently in the process of going into college, so this isn't conservative stuff for religious people or anything. (I hope it doesn't come off that way.)
If you want to avoid more hurt and heartbreak (as I said before) be patient, and wait for the right man to come into your life. You don't have to go around searching, and trying to find him- just be observant of the guys that come into your life (and who knows, maybe you already know the guy you're going to get married to.) Become students of these guys- let them teach you about themselves, and learn about them.
If you begin a relationship with a guy take it slow and ease into it. You could also consider counseling together. (I go to premaritial counseling with my fiancé, and it's awesome, we get tools for communcation, conflict resolution, etc. Which could be a big help to a couple who is just starting in a relationship.)
Hey Jaime,I appreciate your answers,as well as everyone's,thanks!
Its not wrong or religious, to be marriage minded,I believe it makes A lot of sense,you want someone whose marriage minded and want a solid relationship,not someone whose not serious about you or want long term.
But how do you avoid these kind of men? They seem as if they're everywhere!
I know personally two friends who meet men who pretend they wanted to settle down,(by the first month of dating!) and retract ecverything they say and bolt.
I should have looked at numerous redflags,with the fact that he was already into another woman after his ex and him broke up, she ( his interest)) of course didn't give him the time of day so he came back to me till he found someone else that he'd preferred,so I was always Choice B till I became not even an option.
NC helps clear things,plus the fact that he keeps his distance until he wants to be bothered again,this time I'm not interested. This looking for a marriage minded guys sounds so much better and more substantial,and I'm a bit older than you and here you are teaching me lots girl!
My sights were indeed low,I just wanted to have someone there who at least reciprocate my feelings and is decent towards me. That's not enough, I do deserve better,
I'm not into short flings or committmentphobic relationships w/ men who are that way and don't want anything more with me,(then they go for someone else) thanks for helping me that I deserve a lot better.
No problem viva12! I guess the way you can avoid getting into a relationship with men who are deceptive and manipulative as you've described is to be up front about what you are looking for in a relationship. When you know what you want out of a relationship, and you know what to look for, you shouldn't get involved with a man unless, or until he has those qualities (everyone has their quirks so of course some minor exceptions can be made- you won't find a PERFECT man.) When I was 16 I sat down and made a list of all the qualities I was looking for in a future husband, and I made sure that my fiancé knew that I was looking for marriage from the get-go.
Become friends with guys before you begin a relationship with them, that way you can observe, and have more trust in them to discern if they are being truthful if and when they say to you "I'm in it for life". When you build a friendship, you're building a foundation which you can build a possible relationship on. (relationships can be dramatic and mushy, and when it all comes falling down it's good to have a friendship to base everything on.) You don't want to marry someone who just jumped into a relationship with you head-first, you want to marry your best friend right? After all, you are ultimately giving your life, trust, love, and respect to this person. So, become friends first so both know what you're getting into BEFORE the mushy drama begins..
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaime90
Hey Jaime,well with the jerk I thought we were friends,and could count on each other,sometimes guys,(not in general) don't make good friends,like call you when they say they will, I met lots of guys I struck friendship with and they can be as flaky as women friends. I feel as if that's looking for a needle ina haystack.
I'm not sure
There's not just one needle in the haystack (I hope... )
It isn't supposed to be easy, that's what makes it all the more special when you find them
I think when you know yourself well, and love yourself enough, then you will protect yourself, when you run across BS you don't like.
People can be very deceptive in words and actions, but if you pay attention to them over time, you see the true colors come out.
Yes players can be very charming, and attractive, until they get what they want, then their true selfish nature comes out, and if your so caught up in your own feelings for them, you will never see it coming, even though its obvious to others around you.
Taking your time, and paying attention is your best defense, along with not getting carried away by intense feelings, and listening to your brain, not your heart.
You're right on the money Tali and Azif,still it wouldn't be right if here I was getting played and discarded while the current flame gets the Royal treatment if she does,all I know its a lot better than what I'm getting. It seems though I'm just a passing through temp while the next girl gets hired permanently,how fun is that? I know I shouldn't care,but I want to ensure that I don't carry a 'use and discard me,I'm just a stepping stone to your nxt relationship' signal to the next guy,but I will take all your advices to heart,keep it coming!know I can always count on you folks here in AMHD than any other so call Forum sites.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
That's dd I got a notification that I got new replies to this old post,oh well
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