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Update of sorts:
I live in Minnesota, and as some of you may know, there was a tragic incident involving a major bridge collapsing.
I live very close to the bridge, and my ex text me to make sure that I was all right.
The bridge collapsed about 30 minutes after I emailed my ex. As it were, looks like if I had been a little more patient, I would have gotten contact from her without sending the email.
Exactly. Patience is the name of the game!!
He who has patience will normally win...
You must wait it out..
If she wnts you she will let you know never do ANYTHING again!!
Honestly you need to choose on your own. It's nice that two of your friends want to help, but this is your life so you need to make your own decisions. Listen to your heart.
Hard to heal from the past when your still dwelling on the past. Its hard for sure but its worth it.
Update of sorts:
My ex IMed me the other night, and we talked for a little more than a half an hour. This is by far the longest we've chatted in a while, and I was incredibly happy.
She also IMed me earlier this afternoon for a few minutes.
I have two concerns:
1. I am so happy to be talking with her, but I know I am getting my hopes up and I feel deflated when I am not talking to her.
2. That I might be too "available." I don't want to play games with her or ignore her, but I don't think it's fair to me that I, in a sense, answer her every beckon call. That said, I don't think she is using me for anything at the moment, and I just answered her IMs.
Anyone have any thoughts/advice for me?
Reread my post and think on it. Let us know where youhonestly think this will lead.
Be careful, don't get your hopes up, take it slow and don't make yourself too available. The same thing happened to me. My ex IM'd me a few times and we talked all day from work a few times, I felt great and had hope but it really didn't make any good difference at all in the long run, because she's still my ex. You need her to miss you. She is confused right now, and probably in a way that is not good for you in the long run (in other words she's leaning more to leaving you than staying with you). If she's nice to you and gives you the time of day all it could mean is that she cares about you and wants to be your friend or wants to let you down easy, but none of that makes any difference in the long run. The only thing that does is if she comes back and tells you she wants to try again and loves you. Until that day comes, don't be fooled by any illusions... false hope is a real killer. Don't ignore her, but don't always make yourself always available either. And don't make any more effort than she does. It's a two way effort. I hope this helps. Take care, best of luck, and have a good weekend.
Tal,Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I've read your post several times--and I know it is wonderful advice.
I honestly have no idea where any my conversations with my ex are leading. After I sent her the email the other day, I really wasn't sure how she would respond.
As I said, our conversation yesterday was the longest we've had since the breakup, and I really don't know what, if anything, she is thinking about us.
School starts in the coming weeks for the both of us, and things will be much more routine and "normal," so to speak, then.
I've been taking better care of myself--going out with friends, working out, reading, not bringing my ex up with my friends all the time, etc. That said, I still care about my ex very much.
I intend to stick with the NC on my end, but when she initiates contact with me, I honestly don't know if I could somehow ignore it.
I've never been hung up, so to speak, on someone this long. I guess part of that likely has to do with the fact that I hadn't dated any seriously for a while, as I tend to live the single life. That, and this is the first time I my life I actually felt confident that I loved someone (although I am only 24).
I know I can't dwell on the past, or what may have been, but if she can be a part of my future, I would be immensely happy.
Thank you again for your kind and consistent advice to me.
Thanks, same.Quote:
Originally Posted by samesame
I appreciate your advice, and it resonates with what one of my close friends said--if I am legitimately busy, then don't go out of my way to talk with her, etc. but if I am free, then treat her with the same respect I would as anyone else that I care about.
As I said above, life will be much more routine for the both of us in the coming weeks, and I don't know what, if any, effect that will have on her thoughts about me. I guess only time will tell.
Thanks again for your response.
Update of sorts:
Well, after sending me instant messages the past three days, she asked me if I wanted to meet up for a drink or something in the near future.
I am still in shock somewhat, as this was about the last thing I was expecting her to say.
We don't have any definite plans yet--and I am trying hard not to be too hopeful about meeting up with her.
I really have no idea what, if anything, she is thinking.
You need to read the whole thread. Not just the first post. This thread has evolved a lot from the first question.Quote:
Originally Posted by LeQuestionnaire
Update of sorts:
As far as I know, my ex should know that I still care about her.
That said, I am worried I am setting myself up for heartache again if I meet up with her for drinks, as I really have no idea what she is thinking about us right now.
Is there anything I can do to feel things out more, or do I pretty much just have to take the risk of feeling more pain if I go and she was thinking in terms of friendship, and nothing else?
1.
You go and you have a drink, you have a chat that is all don't bring up the relationship, she knows what you want and if she doesn't she will ask if she wants you back she will let you know. She wanted to have a break so she knows its up to her if she wants to return. She was OK coming to you about the break so she should be OK coming toi you to reconcile.
Just go have a quick drink tell her it was great to see you and go. That's how simple it is have a good time think of a few things to say before you go. Don't talk crap and whatever you do don't stay long...
Some background is found in the later parts of this thread:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...er-114955.html
It has been close to seven weeks since we broke up, and we have talked on instant messenger the past four days. On Saturday, she asked me if I wanted to get together for a drink or something in the near future.
I am still in love with her, and as far as I know, she should know that I still have feelings for her.
That said, I really have no idea what she is thinking, what spurred the recent communication, and why she wants to get together with me.
I am not sure if I can handle a strictly "friendly" get together with her, but I am also not sure how I can fish out her intentions before I meet with her.
Does anyone have any advice on how to best approach this situation, on whether I should ask her to clarify why she wants to get together, and/or how I should act if I do meet with her?
Thanks everyone.
Hey there, after about the same amount of time into my breakup my ex did the same thing over MSN. Nothing came about of it. However we did go out clubbing a few times and on her birthday. She kissed another guy in front of me on one of the nites. In fact maybe it was an ego thing, see if she had control of me still or just wanted to have a friendship with me, which is very emotionally unhealthy if your still invested in your ex partner.
Seven weeks is a short time, probably not enough time to let the emotional dust settle. Make your choice. No contact is often the best choice. It will allow you both to get your own lives back and let time kill the wounds and realise what went wrong.
If you continue to have contact it may hurt you and ruin your chances of getting healthy! - bare that in mind.
Don't play games however, ask yourself what you want from this girl. If you want her back go along with an open mind, keep it short and sweet. Maybe you both need to realise why you are wanting this meeting?
I would say do not do it. I really recommend to not see the ex until you feel over it. At 7 weeks that is just not enough time. I would stop talking to her over MSN, 4 days in a row is a little much at this point. I would just tell her you can't make it and leave it at that.
You have a responsibility to yourself to get healthy and feel good. I have a feeling that seeing her will send you into a bad downward spiral.
I was wondering that in that 7 weeks what's the longest that you both went with absolutely no contact if any?
What do you want to do?
I want us to get back together.Quote:
Originally Posted by Skell
Whether meeting her for drinks is a part in that process, I am unsure.
I do not know if I can just go out for drinks as friends, and essentially be heartbroken again.
I made the mistake of keeping contact! Downward spiral. Its not worth it. Its up to you at the end of the day. You could have an honest conversation with her and ask why it is you want to get together for drinks? Or go along not expecting anything and just have a nice time.
Why did you break-up?
NC has worked thus far to make her contact you... But if you are doing this right you only return when there is a constructive dialogue. If you always had good communication - then find a place to resume... Or make her wait while you continue to process this (what was wrong before that can be fixed and how) and tell her your busy, but will talk when have time.
I am not really sure why we broke up. She kept saying she was confused, and not sure what, if anything, she wanted right now.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ash123
There was no cheating, no major argument, etc.
Everyone has gone through this. Probably, no matter what any one says, you will just have to go through the experience yourself and then most likely end in an exhausted state of disappointment for sticking around and seeing what happens.
I think you should run for the hills and let her miss you. Trust me and trust everyone; you might be led on, but she is only missing you for the moment, and that's why she wants to see you. And once she sees "phewf, he is still there in case..." - she'll just go back to feeling secure and not missing you. You see, there's no point in missing you because you are always just going to be there! Like even if you don't say it to her, you ooze the vibe of "i'm gonna wait forever for you".
You have to "not" see her. I'm not telling you to blow her off. But go out somewhere else instead. Get so busy that you actually have excuses not to see her. This will also always make you feel "good" istead of "low" because you will never be the one contacting her or ever chasing her again.
You might, after all this, think "but what if she gets the impression that I dont like her? or that I don't love her anymore?". Get this stupid thought out of your head, because she knows that you are her dog, and why shouldn't she know? Every time she will call, you will eventually come running. Girls don't like dogs. She's going to go find someone who isn't a dog. Prove to her you have a life. In the process don't be mean to her, but don't be her biatch either.
I hope she knows how much I care about her.Quote:
Originally Posted by _Chris_
And, if she really only misses me in the sense that she wants to see that I am still available, then I clearly would rather not be with her.
I have (finally) been living it up again, but that said, I love her. Surely, there must be a chance that her reason for wanting to see me is NOT because she is "only missing me for the moment."
The longest we went with absolutely no contact was two ~two-week stretches, give or take a few days.Quote:
Originally Posted by MissingHim2Much
Yeah I guess you're right,. but no... you're wrong.Quote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
Actually, it's not her only reason. You know why? Because she doesn't have this planned out reason, or she hasn't written down all her reasons or she hasn't sat there like you have and pondered and sulked. So she might be confused a little, that's all.
This is not some big conspiracy against you. She's not going to get together with you because she is thinking "well I am only going to check to see if he is still my dog". No, she's not actually thinking this, if that's what you want to hear. But I'm only telling you what she may not even know. I'm only telling you what almost every person who is posting about relationships has gone through and is trying to warn you against.
You have to live it up. In the process of you living it up, you're going to be set back many times by her because you'll get false hope. What you have to do is to make her feel hopeless; make her know that you are not someone who is "always" just sitting there no matter what. This is not the type of man that a lady will miss dearly and get scared of losing. This is the type that turns into her buddy as she goes and has sex with other guys.
You can get her back if that's what you want, but the only way is by making yourself be the best you can be. That means giving yourself the "best". So you have to get out, do something every day that can make you better and not be a waste of your time, and... you know the rest.
Remember, remember and remember: never be mean or rude to her, just don't give her what she wants. Don't contact her, and don't hang out with her. If she really wants you back, she will make it "clear". Missing someone just ain't enough.
Age generalization alert:
YOUNGER Break-ups
If she is under 25 consider this just a restless colt who you can put into NC and deal with later. She is likely running because she doesn't want to feel married... So, don't (unless you want tha) be a husband right now. She can circle back after she tires of another insecure guy and or fridays with friends...
Older Break-Ups
If she is over 25 she may be wondering if you two are really capable of being lifetime partners and wants to think about it... If that's the case, do you want to be a husband anyway (? ) She will circle back if she feels you cared for her, or she can do no better, and you had your own life and might be able to provide a base/foundation for her as well. Multiple girls nights out are especially grating to her...
These are BIG Generalizations and there will be a lot of exceptions but something to take into account as you find yourself confidence. And try to minimize thoughts of what she's thinking... BECAUSE SOMETIMES girls break up so they don't have to think...
Either way, you both have to LEARN from the break-up to advance when/if you reunite.
Meet her for the drink but do not bring up the topic of your relationship. In fact, no talk about anything serious at all. Keep in fun and light, just as though you're meeting her for the very first time. All the seriousness is probably what turned her off in the first place so you need to avoid all of that.
How old is she?
She is 24 years old.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ash123
Thanks for your general advice about girls 25+/-, as I think some of that certainly applies here.
If your not sure why you broke up then you should not be considering getting back together.Quote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
Unless you have learnt what and understand why thing went wrong and you broke up then there is no point even contemplating getting back together.
The same goes for her too.
Chris has given you some really good advice. It goes along with a lot of us have been saying. I think you should really pay attention to it.
She likes to know she still has you. Not necessarily consciously but more subconsciously. She misses you a little, gives you a call and you go running like a puppy dog. She gets sick of the puppy dog hanging around and lets it off its lead again until she is ready to play once more.
Vicious cycle that so many fall into.
You've never been out of touch so this emotional attachment is still strong, but we all know you wnt to return to the way you were, and so does she, but it ain't gonna happen.Quote:
It has been close to seven weeks since we broke up, and we have talked on instant messenger the past four days. On Saturday, she asked me if I wanted to get together for a drink or something in the near future.
She already knows how you feel and what you want, how could she not???Quote:
I am still in love with her, and as far as I know, she should know that I still have feelings for her.
Doesn't matter what her motives are what matters is what you do about it.Quote:
That said, I really have no idea what she is thinking, what spurred the recent communication, and why she wants to get together with me.
IThen you should leave her alone. Instead of assuming what she is up to, ask directly, "why are you wanting to have a drink", and save yourself all the chaos, and head drama.Quote:
am not sure if I can handle a strictly "friendly" get together with her, but I am also not sure how I can fish out her intentions before I meet with her.
Read above.Quote:
Does anyone have any advice on how to best approach this situation, on whether I should ask her to clarify why she wants to get together, and/or how I should act if I do meet with her?
Well, I don't know if I can ever be sure why we broke up, since she broke up with me. I would guess it had to do with her general fear of commitment, and me coming on too strong for her.Quote:
Originally Posted by Skell
While I suppose I could expect less from a relationship that I have with her, obviously if we are to stay together I would hope our level of commitment and feelings for each other would grow.
So, if I am at all right, I cannot change her fears, only she can.
Simple send her a message what do you want to meet up for??
You will have your answer on the spot and won't have to keep worrying and won't have to worry.
If you don't get the response you want don't meet up.. That's easy.
Don't be afraid of receiving the wrong answer or you will be back on the leash. Be strong and be prepared for an answer you don't want and then you won't be disapointed.
I don't see why her missing me has to go as deep as a subconscious attempt at seeing if she still "has me." Why can't she just genuinely miss me, or realize she liked things better with me?Quote:
Originally Posted by Skell
How do people who have broken up ever get back together, if this couldn't be the case?
My parents, for instance, have been married for more than 28 years and broke up for nearly 2 months before getting back together while dating.
I obviously want nothing to do with the "vicious cycles," "subconscious decisions," and "puppy dog" interaction that everyone seems to think has to be going on.
Like I've said numerous times, I really have no idea what she is thinking--but why is it that everyone assumes she is on some uncontrollable path of action that involves stringing me along for no good reason?
Because women like to know that you are still there in case they change their mind. The eager ex is an insurance policyQuote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
Generally they don't UNLESS both people work on and resolve the problems that caused the relationship to break up in the first placeQuote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
Because that is what's going on. You are too close to see it, you have ZERO perspective on this situation right now you are too close too and too emotional involved. The rest of us are nonbiased third party who can see it for what it isQuote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
Again, because that is what a lot of women do after they break up with someone. What if the dating world is too scary then she can just go back to old reliable. Is that who you want to be? A doormat?Quote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
You know why you're bringing up the rare case of people getting back together? Because you're in a state where your mind wants to grab onto the slightest hope or romantic story and run with it. This is your mind trying to save itself in a very depressive and natural part of life.Quote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
Anyway, yes I could bring you the rare case too, but we are talking about the "majority" or the "general" when we give you advice. We're going to go with the "probable" when we give you advice. What is probable, according to, I bet, 99 out of 100 of the posts you read, is that you are going to go through horrible heartache in this game called love-and-break-up. What we're telling you can't harm you, but it can only make you stronger.
You shouldn't go to her when she is being the slight bit confusing (as you are very confused right now), and we are also telling you things that can only make you better (by telling you to get out, work on yourself, work-out, finish that etc). This can only add to your value as a man, making you even better than when she left you.
Again, there is no conspiracy against you here. She is not planning anything against you, and no one on this website is either. In fact, I think people are all speaking (on this post) with your best interest in mind. And yeah, writing "vicious cycles" or "subconscious decisions" is going to make all this advice sound a bit crazy. I guess you are just going to have to go through this and see for yourself. I sounded like you when I went through a break-up. You sound familiar to many people that are posting advice for you.Quote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
I feel for you buddy. This sucks and it's going to be one hell of crappy ride. But it's a ride we all get off. You at least know, even though you are hurting and are confused, that you will get out of it. We're just trying to speed that process up rather than have you go through the long and dragged on "getting-over-my-ex" ordeal.
I've put her in my "block list" on instant messenger.
I am still having a hard time believing that, consciously or not, she would string me along for any purpose. She has been nothing short of honest with me the entire time that I have known her, and, if anything, she is not even interested in dating right now, let alone having an insurance policy in me.
I'll see if she makes any further attempts to contact me (off-line).
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