How old are you SD? You're my hero man.

Read his whole story, yeah he is something

Enigmanetic Im 31. I don't know about being a hero or anything... im just trying to find a little bit of peace of mind. I probably should be trying to make my life less complicated and focus on the things that will make me whole again. Im not sure if hanging with these woman will do that but it feels good to smile... have fun... good conversation... and to flirt a little.

I know that the process I'm going through is going to take a long time. Its only really been since end of September that my ex and I broke up. She was my life. I honestly, in my heart, thought I had found the one. I had given everything I could possibly give. I would have done anything for us. But she picked the one thing I could never be or do.

I wish her the best and honestly, though I can't be the one to make her happy, I hope she finds it. The hard part is that I am left with all these feelings and memories. They are my highs and lows. It will take time for the hurt to fade. She really was my idea of the perfect woman. Had everything I ever wanted. Funny how things work out that way. You find the one and spend 7 years together only to find out that though it is perfect, she can't be with you because she is gay.

Life goes on. Take it day by day. Fighting those little battles inside that make you stronger. Remember your accomplishments and the strength you do have. In time... you do heal. In time you will smile without effort. In time... you move on.

Here is an exsert from the writings of Max Ehramann's Desiderata.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

It is a wonderful writing I recommend you read it here

Max Ehrmann's "Desiderata"

It's a beeyach to realise you are a small part ina big puzzle, but you can be a happy small part.

I can at that. Life is what you make of it... I may get knocked down or beaten up but you will never break me. You can never break my spirit. I'll keep getting up and fighting back.

Well... here I sit in a hotel on a business trip in Japan. Just sitting in the hotel room thinking. Thinking about the ex. Not anything in particular... just wishing I could talk to her. Not about anything. Just about how her day was... how mine was. What she has been up too... and how her work has been after the xmas break. How the new place is coming along... and the new life she is living. Just missing the little stuff. Life feels weird not having her in it... though we do talk from time to time. I know that its just a matter of time. Seven years of history just doesn't go away. I expect a period of adjustment.

Guess I'm just used to talking to her when I'm on travel. She is who chats with me online and who I call when I have a moment. But now she isn't that part of my life anymore.

I can't complain too much because there are 2 girls out there that want me to be a bigger part of there lives. I'm just not in a place to do that right now. My heart still isn't mine yet and I couldn't do that to them. They know what I have been through and are cool. I just need lots of time. I'm in a place right now where things are not so black and white. Where things are gray... and emotions are sedated. I hate not feeling... but its part of this whole thing.

<She even said I was perfect... I was just not the right gender. That's right. The woman I loved for 7 years finally decided that she could no longer lie to herself about being a lesbian.>

Wow..

Id missed a lot of updates...

Good poem above.

I envy you, being in far off exotic places. Do you travel alone, or do you have associates? At least and intepretor, LOL, don't tell me you speak a few foreign languages?

Its not to bad. I get to travel around a little. My company just buys the plane ticket and that's about it. I book the hotel, find my way there and to where ever I have to work. I almost always come alone. Its kind of interesting and fulfilling to do it on your own. I don't really speak any foreign languages but I make around all right.

Its nice to have the distraction every now and then from the daily 9-5 at a desk. I have to admit... I have seen lots of cool places. I also get to work on some cool ships and build/engineer some pretty cool things. Matter of fact... im sitting in a hotel room in the middle of Yokohama, Japan.

I'm still doing OK. Not as many ups and downs. Today I feel a little off though. It's her birthday today and I'm a little sad...

Knowing that life presents us with no more than we are able to handle, we may become weak... lose breath... perhaps even lose our way. But even then, the path is chosen and answers are being collected with every step.

I am happy... just being me.

Wow I just read your entire story, I envy your courage stamina and outlook on life. You have been through things I can't even imagine me handling. I too have been through a broken heart bu! But not like you. For 31 yrs you had a tough life it just goes to show how god doesn't put weight on our shoulders we can't handle. All the best in your future and enjoy being you because that's all you you can be!

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Originally Posted by CaribMan

wow i just read ur entire story, i envy your courage stamina and outlook on life. you have been through things i can't even imagine me handling. i too have been through a broken heart bu!! but not like you. for 31 yrs you had a tough life it just goes to show how god doesn't put weight on our shoulders we can't handle. all the best in your future and enjoy being you coz thats all you u can be!

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Thanks... here is some friendly advice for everyone. Take care of you first... your body and mind.

As far as relationships are concerned...

Maybe...it is true that we don't know what we have got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives. Maybe...the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

It's been a years since I first joined this site and I have come full circle.

When I first started posting, I was desperate just like most people on this forum, to work it out... to make things better... to fix what was broken. In time you learn that time is what is needed for things to get better. Time to reflect on what happened with a clear mind... clear understanding. Time to understand if the path you were walking was the right one for you... if you were truly happy or just fooling yourself into thinking you were.

Even though it kills you to be apart from that person you love or want. You need that time... to remember who you are. To remember where you are going and how important it is to be just you sometimes. We can get caught up in that other person so much that you forget who you are. You loose a part of yourself... sometimes all of yourself.

There is a happy medium that you have to walk. Being a part of a "healthy relationship" with someone... but also having a health relationship with "yourself". My EX told me something that really stuck in my head... Be happy just being you... don't make someone else your whole world... its to big a burden for any one person to bare.

I have had a long year since last year. I've lost a lover of 7 years... and gained her back. Found out that she was gay... managed to keep her as a friend. :) Dated other girls... found some crazy ones... found some wrong types. Gotten a little lost... depended on friends... and found my way back. Discovered how to be happy just being me... and I found a bonus to my life... her name is Traci.

You never know exactly where life is going to take you... don't be afraid to take chances... little risks. You never know what you might miss out on. You will find that...in the end...it was worth the ride.

http://a456.ac-images.myspacecdn.com...5f4136f357.jpg

Yes, you have gone through a long journey, and learned much, and are happy now, and that my friend makes my day. Thanks for that, and I hope you visit more often, and above all enjoy yourself.

I think you are a diamond person. And you love life.
Thanks for your story!

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

I believe T-Man is impressed by her lifestyle and her writing but I personally don't think this should have any affect on you! That's her life. She wants to have her life and also come to you whenever she likes. She gives it no name and she is just keeping you strung along in the greatest way a girl can ever do it. She sure is rare in the sense that she has this amazing power to keep you around, even though she knows you want more. She is hurting you and you know it. Why put yourself through this? Try moving on my friend. Don't fall for this! She is oh so clever!

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I'm glad someone else posted it first. I think she's jerking you around. The clues are in her letters to you.

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Originally Posted by Sdjosh

It's been a years since I first joined this site and I have come full circle.

When I first started posting, I was desperate just like most people on this forum, to work it out....to make things better...to fix what was broken. In time you learn that time is what is needed for things to get better. Time to reflect on what happened with a clear mind ....clear understanding. Time to understand if the path you were walking was the right one for you....if you were truly happy or just fooling yourself into thinking you were.

Even though it kills you to be apart from that person you love or want. You need that time...to remember who you are. To remember where you are going and how important it is to be just you sometimes. We can get caught up in that other person so much that you forget who you are. You loose a part of yourself...sometimes all of yourself.

There is a happy medium that you have to walk. Being a part of a "healthy relationship" with someone....but also having a health relationship with "yourself". My EX told me something that really stuck in my head....Be happy just being you....don't make someone else your whole world....its to big a burden for any one person to bare.

I have had a long year since last year. I've lost a lover of 7 years...and gained her back. Found out that she was gay....managed to keep her as a friend. :) Dated other girls....found some crazy ones....found some wrong types. Gotten a little lost.....depended on friends ....and found my way back. Discovered how to be happy just being me....and I found a bonus to my life...her name is Traci.

You never know exactly where life is going to take you...don't be afraid to take chances....little risks. You never know what you might miss out on. You will find that...in the end...it was worth the ride.

http://a456.ac-images.myspacecdn.com...5f4136f357.jpg

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Talk about a happy ending! Be the man!! :D

I just read the whole story and I must first of all say, you are such a strong person that has gone through things I could only slightly imagine; and it has made you such a better person. Thank you for posting this amazing journey as I hope to learn and take lesson from it.

I am going to above all starting living more for myself and not for others.

Cheers and grats!!

What a great end to this story , well done sdjosh hopefully others can learn from your journey.

Congrats my friend!!