OK going to cook myself for once a nice meal as I have negleted myself for two weeks try and keep busy how hard is this its crazy thanks

Two different things here between NC, and giving space. NC Is the healing process. Accepting that its over and being ready to move beyond the break up, like closing a door.

Giving space is limiting your contact, not necessarily to heal, but to regroup, and carry on with the relationship.

Whether they come back, or not, is strictly up to your partner, and the danger of waiting in limbo, is more misery and pain if they don't come back.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ar-419207.html

In your specific case though Hoppy, your long overdue to find your own thing, without her. Your life is way out of balance at this time.

Waiting for her to change her mind does nothing at all for you. Even if she came back right now, you would be unable to share any happiness, because you don't have any. That's what you must change, and be responsible for.

Forget getting her back, and get yourself back first. Remember the guy she was attracted to for years? Where is he now. FIND HIM!! NOW!

Hello fearxfear.welcome to AMHD-you're doing well with the NC. Maybe you'd like to post your own thread?

His post was moved to its own thread here;

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-419769.html

** Check out the new poll added to the thread.

That was a hard poll, as I went through a combination of choices.

You should probably add a choice: "All of the above."

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Originally Posted by kctiger

You should probably add a choice: "All of the above."

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Yeah, I wanted that, but it says that we have a maximum of 10 options. I'll look into that.

If I had to take 1 option off, what would you suggest?

It's going to be tough, because I could also add "other," "all of the above" or "non of the above".

Quote:

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Originally Posted by I wish

Yeah, I wanted that, but it says that we have a maximum of 10 options. I'll look into that.

If I had to take 1 option off, what would you suggest?

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I think you can combine "spending quality time with family" and "the spending time to catch up with old friends" into one option. Just my opinion. It is a good poll though.

The poll was hard because there were so many that applied. Personally I think the writing a letter and not giving it to her works or at least it helps. There have been several times where I had an email open and typed up a letter just didn't hit send. Now that can be dangerous because it is electronic and if you accidentally hit that send button... oops! Just broke NC. I recommend writing it on paper and then burning it. Good luck to all you club members and just know that time heals. Peace

The poll IS extremely hard. If the choice was easy, then NC would be easy too.

I'm working on trying to put more options if possible. Writing a letter is definitely another option.

It's interesting that so far all the answers are different from one another.

I voted re-reading stuff here, but the irony is I should have read the poll better, because by far the best move I made was removing all online and phone contact with her. But then after that it would be re-reading stuff here, it gets hard to remember why you are doing this in the first place sometimes, so it's a big help.

I can see the variations in answers as different people have different coping mechanisms that work for the individual. Kind of like different people learn in different ways, seeing, hearing, doing, etc...

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Originally Posted by Newguy2009

I can see the variations in answers as different people have different coping mechanisms that work for the individual. kinda like different people learn in different ways, seing, hearing, doing, etc.....

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Exactly! There's an entire list of things that we can try to do during NC, but there's going to be specific thing(s) that click(s) in our minds that will really help us recover. We just need to find it/them.

P.S. It doesn't look like I can add to the list, but feel free to discuss any other ideas that you might have.

I understand that it's difficult to make only one choice out of the entire list. But once you start feeling the progress in the recovery process, you will notice that there is a good chance that there was one factor that helped you more than all the others.

That's a very good point-one major key to unlock the first door so to speak!

Accepting that I got dumped. Then I could figure out what I wanted to do, which was to do my thing like I was doing before we met. (doesn't matter which time I got dumped, hehehe!).

I've been trying to figure out the best analogy for this.

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Originally Posted by amicon

That's a very good point-one major key to unlock the first door so to speak!

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That's one way to put it. Or we try multiple keys, but there's one key that is the best fit to unlock the door.

Basically we try multiple methods, but there's one idea that "sparks" or "clicks" in our mind that gets the ball rolling and paves the way for our road to recovery.

Seems the "it" factor in a heart breaking split is figuring out who you are all over again. We transform throughout a relationship, thus when it ends we have to figure out how to transform into a positive, self sustaining person once again.

A big wake up call for me was the fact that I could actually be dumped. I had a pretty large ego and never thought a female would dump yours truly. Clearly I was wrong and that kind of gave me a harsh dose of reality.

For me, it wasn't until I got my heart broken for the first time that I learned who I was, wanted to be and where I wanted to go. It is really interesting how some of the most awful tragedies in our own lives can turn out to be the biggest learning and growth opportunities. Just my two cents. Hope all is well here!

I know this probably falls under the "get a new hobby" section but I thought I would share...

I bought a guitar this weekend and have started writing music again. It's a great way to channel emotions and grow to learn and develop talent. Any type of musical instrument is recommended for those that may have considered it. Just a thought...