Ask Me Help Desk - Dumped after 6 years, found a new girl, feeling even worse

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Dude - I advise you not get into a friend with benefits thing - I think it would really hurt you as she would date other guys. It'sjus treally unhealthy.

If you think being friends with her is a good idea - I'd do it - I THINK YOU WILL LEARN A LOT if you're friends.

Gotcha on this one. I promise you (and of course myself) that I will listen to your advice on this one. I chose to put good advice aside when I first started posting here (which makes me think why I even posted to begin with if I was just going to ignore good advice!) but this time, I am going to listen. I think if I did the friends with benefits thing, I'd soon find myself exploring a whole new realm of confusion and hurt. So yeah, I'm listening.

BTW, this question is for Skell, so man if you're around: Did going to Germany help you deal with your situation? It's been a while since I read your threads and I searched for your username today and read your first thread and then the one where you metioned going to see football in Germany. Did you really go by yourself?

Reading your first thread made reminded myself of my own situation so much. Except you lasted 1 year longer than I did. I'm 23 with 6 years, you were 24 with 7...

Well if your confused about everything and such a mess ill suggest one more time and then that's it.

NO girls for a couple of months. No girls that are friends. Why do you need them. You have your buddies. Let them come naturally. Don't force it.

Leave this girl alone. It will ony mess with you further.

Just completely forget about any sort of relationship with a female, friends included, until you feel comfortable and not so messed up..

That is my advice and the last time ill offer it Pat in regards to what I think you need to be doing now...

Good luck!

Quote:

Originally Posted by PatBateman

BTW, this question is for Skell, so man if you're around: Did going to Germany help you deal with your situation? It's been a while since I read your threads and I searched for your username today and read your first thread and then the one where you metioned going to see football in Germany. Did you really go by yourself?

Reading your first thread made reminded myself of my own situation so much. Except you lasted 1 year longer than I did. I'm 23 with 6 years, you were 24 with 7...

Yes, we are very similar Pat. I relaied it from the first time I read your post.

That is why I have been so consitent with my advice. Because I know what is working for me.

And in my opinion what you are doing is unhealthy...

No contact with ex, no new gf's. Just you man. YOU! Can't stress it enough. Hang with your mates. Family if you have it close.

You are just so strung up with women and getting it right around them that you are bound to fail. Your too up tight.

But please just give yourself some time to get over the ex. 6 years is a long time and if you got over it in 2 months then I wonder what you actually had with her. Couldn't have been much..

YEs I did go to Germany alone. All the way from downunder here. I met a couple of mates that live in the UK in Germany. Spent some time with them but all the travelling was pretty much don't alone.

It was great. I had a ball and met heaps of people.

It didn't all of a sudden heal me and I was completely over my ex. No way. In fact I went to a lot of places in Germany that me and my ex had been to together when we travelled Europe. So there were a lot of painful memories and few quiet tears shed. But I couldn't hide form it. I have to face those challenges everyday.

But I think you have to do it alone Pat. Relaise that you can get over it alone. Not have to have a girl in your life to get over it!

How about going back and reading your threads (all of them). Every post. It hink you'll find more than enough advice to make a decision that is best for you!

Just as an update guys, I haven't spoken to this girl since our talk on Sunday despite her leaving me messages on my Facebook saying how you doing, etc. I intend on taking the next few weekends and just be by myself- not going to visit anyone. Just going to buy some books and read.

Keeping her around as "hook-up material" is fine if your comfortable with that. Keep in mind that that's how a lot of relationships start. That's about all this one has potential to be. Don't even worry about her "excuses" or anything else.

Yeah, well I'm not really thinking about what potential my friendship with her has now. I really don't care anymore. I've realized that this is about me, and my "need" to have someone around. It's a deep rooted problem, and it's time it gets addressed. I am spending the next several weekends alone, perhaps taking walks, taking care of my car which needs to be cleaned and fixed up, and perhaps reading up on some books on finance (to make me more competitive in the job market), as well as books on bodybuilding, and self-help perhaps. It's been a long time since I've taken care of myself.

Maybe I'll give this girl a call sometime next week, but whatever. Maybe just keep it alive, I don't know. Whateva whateva.. lol.

Should I send birthday wishes to my ex?

For those of you who don't know my story, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me about 4 months ago. The reason for our break-up was because I wasn't treating her as well as I should have, which made her realize that she was young and didn't deserve to be tied down to a relationship that required so much work. We were 16 when we met. Her decision was for her own good, and I know that.

I've tried to contact her many times initially, but later gave up and followed the no contact rule. I even found myself in a rebound relationship which quickly died out. I still miss my ex though, and her birthday is in 4 days. I want to call her...

Advice?

Did she answer your phone calls when you called her initially?

Has she tried to contact since you have been following the no contact rule?

I don't think it would be bad to say happy birthday depending on your intentions. You need to keep it very short don't mention anything about feelings or relationships.

Keep it to Happy Birthday maybe call on her birthday in the afternoon. You can ask how things are going but nothing else. Do not ruin her birthday and make her think of anything else except getting a year older. Don't even say you will call her again or she can call you keep it short, just to show you care. Let her call you next. Do not call her again next.

No... don't call or write to wish her a "Happy Birthday". Let things be as they are!

Maintain the no contact rule. By calling or e-mailing or sending a card you are breaking that rule and back to square one.

No contact means no contact, none, nada, nothing.

I thought the no contact rule is 2 to 3 months

In a short term relationship this may be the rule. But in this case, read his previous posts, this is long term, 6 years.

So, in my opinion 2 - 3 months is a drop in the bucket, and the healing process is just beginning.

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

Maintain the no contact rule. By calling or e-mailing or sending a card you are breaking that rule and back to square one.

no contact means no contact, none, nada, nothing.

I agree, No contact means no contact..

I am sure your intentions are genuine and you just feel an obligation to wish her a happy birthday, and you probably don't have any ulterior motives.

No contact however means just this, nothing whatsoever.. Not so that you can play along with the idea of her coming back but simply for yourself healing and to prevent you from losing the progress you have made.

What's so special about her birthday, that it should come before you and what you need to do?

No contact, at all no cards, letters, e-mails, or smoke signals.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Whats so special about her birthday, that it should come before you and what you need to do?

No contact, at all no cards, letters, e-mails, or smoke signals.

Nothing is special about it, nor is it more important than me.

I'm just hitting another rough patch, seeing as it's her birthday on Monday, and then what would have been our anniversary the first week of December. The winter months suck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nohitter410

Did she answer your phone calls when you called her initially?

Has she tried to contact since you have been following the no contact rule?

I don't think it would be bad to say happy birthday depending on your intentions. You need to keep it very short don't mention anything about feelings or relationships.

Keep it to Happy Birthday maybe call on her birthday in the afternoon. You can ask how things are going but nothing else. Do not ruin her birthday and make her think of anything else except getting a year older. Don't even say you will call her again or she can call you keep it short, just to show you care. Let her call you next. Do not call her again next.

No, she NEVER responds to any of my e-mails, texts, or calls. I stopped trying 2 months ago. At first, I wrote her 3 long-winded e-mails begging for forgiveness, second chances, etc. She did write me back once, however, and perhaps she would have written me back again, had she not found out about the rebound girl I had. But she's probably even more angry at me now and this girl can hold a grudge forever.

Would it break your heart, if she hasn't given you a second thought?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Would it break your heart, if she hasn't given you a second thought?

Yeah man, if course it would. I may be in denial, but I doubt she's that cold. When I was with her, she'd occasionally tell me stories of how she's been hurt or insulted (not by past boyfriends, but just in general) and she remembers everything and holds onto ill feelings like it was just yesterday.

In my mind, I keep thinking that if I show her I'm different and apologize enough, she'll crack and talk to me again.

But man, if she really has forgotten all about me, I give her credit. If it's that easy after 6 years, maybe I didn't mean anything to her in the first place.

I know where this is going and let me stop you here, if you want to drone on about your ex, at least give us the respect to do it privately. Now a better action would be to get out of self and help someone else. If I'm wrong then my apologies, but..!

I quietly bow out of this thread as it is reminiscent of something blue, if you all get my drift. Nothing we say is going to help, he is going to do what he wants no matter how hard we try.

I have been watching this thread and others by Pat and I see the same thing happening to those of us trying to help that happened with the "other" person. We are going to talk and advise until we are "blue" in the face and no matter how hard we try to help, he is still going to go with his own decisions.

I wish you luck Pat, you have had some terrific advice, now at least try to follow some of it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PatBateman

No, she NEVER responds to any of my e-mails, texts, or calls. I stopped trying 2 months ago. At first, I wrote her 3 long-winded e-mails begging for forgiveness, second chances, etc. She did write me back once, however, and perhaps she would have written me back again, had she not found out about the rebound girl I had. But she's probably even more angry at me now and this girl can hold a grudge forever.

Then by all means, leave her alone, if not for yourself, then out of respect for her. Hearing from you will definitely not make her birthday happy, so just back off.