Ask Me Help Desk - How do I deal with the guilt and her hating me?

I know EXACTLY how you feel, jai. We are are all dealing the best we can. The girls we knew are indeed long gone. As much as we don't want to admit it, they were gone long before we knew it anyway. I've been broken up for 2 months, and within a month (didn't start NC yet), I didn't have a clue who my ex was turning into. I was like, "Who the heck are you? Is this you, REALLY?"

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There's another girl out there somewhere who looks like her... and has the same name as her... but it feels like my one is gone now.

I know what you mean. The strange part is that I end up asking myself whether she just changed or whether she was always like that but had never shown her true self, because the person I knew (or thought I knew) would have never acted in such a way. So yes to answer your question the bottom line is it definitely feels like she is gone now and that is why I don't think it would be easy talking to her again. Its strange because I never thought it would be so hard but I guess we live and learn.

Yeah man! I recently have just been thinking that. Each week I have to see my ex who tore my world apart, but for some reason when I see her it's like we've never met before. I hear her talk, and I see her walk, but it's nothing like I remember. She is a completely different person than I remember her being. It's a little sad, but it's actually good for me to see her this way. This is who she really is, and I'm not at all attracted to that person. I fell for the person she was faking, and then I realized... how can I have feelings for something fake?

It's kind of funny seeing her this way, because I think to myself... wow! I would never date that girl. It's funny how things work out. Just remember the good times with her, even if they feel false. It's almost like it was a really life like video game :)

If you are sincere and true, then the sincere and true will find you. Keep being strong, friend.

Isn't it weird, though? To think they were faking being someone they weren't the whole time. Or, are they faking it now? Not that it matters to us anymore, but it's still just weird to think about.

Its surprising at times and you think did they really know you so well after all.

It is so weird seeing other people going through similar feelings and experiences. I mean all of our situations are VERY different but the underlying emotions and little details are so much the same.

I too feel like my ex isn't who he used to be. I never thought he was capable of hurting me so much. The guy I love would never in a million years have done what the guy just a few months ago did. He ruined his life while he was at it and now I see him just spinning his wheels to get a new life together and make sense of what he's done. I think my NC will give me time to start looking at things from the outside. I keep trying to look at my situation like I look at others who post here. It helps to sometimes gain a better perspective but it's not easy.

In the end I don't think who we thought they were was a fake and who they became was a fake either. People have many different sides to them and some of it's good and some bad. It's just how they decide to harness it all together and keep in check the bad vs the good. We'll just have to either accept them as they were and how they are or forget them all together. If they can't be good for us all wrapped up with the good and bad then we have to just let go... isn't that the hardest part though?

Yeah but I guess those who are still sane do not become completely different , they set out very excruciating and displeasing outbursts.. I must add..

Man I love you guys, if any of you are here in Brisbane AUS hit me up and we'll go grab a beer, my shout

24/09/08 - 4:57PM

Yeah not feeling too shabby actually. I went out to lunch today with a mate and we got first night's accommodation sorted for Japan. After that we're 100% winging it and if we don't find a place to crash that day I guess we're kicking it under the stars (and hopefully away from any authorities that may have a problem with that). Whenever I tell people we're just doing it they start buzzing with excitement. "Aren't you guys scared?" And it's weird, I'm really not. This whole saga has taken fear away from EVERYTHING. I do not live my life scared anymore (my biggest fear is actually running into my ex... but I'm dealing with that as well, yeah I'm 100% OK with hitting up random countries and potentially having to find accommodation every night on limited funds but I'm scared of a girl.. lol.. come on jai).

Did I tell you I went out with my mate the other night to some girl's house who he knows? There were 2 there, we all crashed out on the mattresses together. I didn't really find much in common with either and they were strung out on 2 days of no sleep but come on I'm def. trying here :D

Also, something I did the other night was print out random quotes that have struck a chord with me about this whole thing, blow them up to A4 size and then I've taken the paper and stuck them on a wall in my bedroom behind my door. If I shut the door I have all these quotes looking back at me. I also take a pen and write random thoughts as they come to me around these quotes. I call it "The Wall". You can't see it unless you're in here with the door shut. Finally.. I've started getting together photos of me, friends, family, and general good things in my life. Over time I'll take more and more and print them off. Then, slowly, I've started adding them to the wall, and covering the quotes with them. I figure, once that wall's entirely filled with photos of me and my mates and the good things I have going for me... the quotes will be all covered, and I probably won't need them anymore. And then, I might just realise that I'm really free from all this. :)

The quote in the middle of the wall is simple:

"This is about you now!

:)"

That quote applies to most of us that find our way here guys... This is about us now!

I'll take some photos of the wall as I start filling it with photos... I thought it was a good idea. I still think it is actually.

Yeah, so right now I feel pretty good. I think half the battle with dealing with this stuff is to just get the endorphins going. The endorphins don't actually change anything in the situation, they just make you feel better about all of it. I'm packing my bag for Japan at the moment... it's pretty exciting :D Got a toothbrush... some listerine... couple spare change of underwear... I'm packing extremely light though. We don't intend on staying on any one place, so I'm packing for the run and gun experience. Hell yeah, I'm pumped, I'm looking good, and I'm young and cashed up.

Going to create some memories over there boys.

Have a good one tonight.

Jai

Sounds great Jai...

Enjoy the trip. After my breakup, my buddy and I went on a roadtrip. It was a great time.

Sounds like your set on having one hell of a good time man. That wall idea is a good one. Look at you now over at girls places :D.
Seems like you have come along way since your first post I read :)

26/09/08 - 3:31pm

Hey lads this will be my last update before I hit up Japan. I get back mid-October.

I'm feeling pretty good, got my bag packed up, all set to go... I fly early tomorrow morning.

I was reading Sneezy's 41 page thread and found it was really pretty amazing. Wish I could have had some awesome stories like that but NC is all I've given and received... no mutual friends on this side to give me information.. so yeah, all quiet on my part. I think a part of me thought she would try to get in touch with me before I left (she knew I was leaving tomorrow), but she hasn't. This is really "it" then.. I mean.. the end has already come anyway.. don't know why I feel this way.

It's hard to explain, at the start of all this, I needed something to focus attention on, and that focus turned to being: get out of Brisbane, get out of Australia and get away from all this. At some points it progressed to an even higher level, where I was on the verge of just bailing entirely on a random train out of here, never mind about work or family or commitments, just an almost overwhelming urge to run and get away.

Now it's here... There was no contact. This was really... "it". The guy I was two months ago.. I didn't really have my eyes open, and he never would have done this. But they're open now. Not to get too dramatic but this really does feel like the end of the guy I was and the beginning of the guy I am going to turn into and that SCARES me. I try not to think about what I would do to go back there, back to the familiarity, the nights together, the days together, the sex, the cuddling, the fun.. back to all that. The things I'd do to go back...

But I can't.

I wish I could (at times), but I can't. There's no way back for me. Reading that.. knowing it's true.. no way back for jai.. it upsets me.. feels like a lot of people cut me off. But you know? Maybe I'll find something better. It might not be the same, but it could be better.

I'll look forward, and not stop looking forward, until this is all over.

So bring it, Japan.

Everyone look after themselves while I'm gone, the boys (and girls) who have helped me along the way and who I have tried to help too, you all know who you are, thank you.

your buddy,

Jai

Good luck bro on your trip, its best just to get out there and take the opportunity's in front of you, who knows you might even find someone better, Best of luck! PEACE

I know how you feel but I'm not able to just up and leave at the moment. I do want to make a lot of changes and traveling would be wonderful. I especially want to quit my crappy job. Everyone is always just make sure to find a new job FIRST before you quit. I think if I quit it will FORCE me to find a new job. I wish you much luck on your journey and from my experience with moving to another place you will be a changed person when you come back. A change for the better I'm sure :)

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I think a part of me thought she would try to get in touch with me before I left (she knew I was leaving tomorrow), but she hasn't. This is really "it" then.. I mean.. the end has already come anyway.. don't know why I feel this way.

For your own good you should be glad she hasn't come in touch. Believe me because in my case she found out I was leaving and the night before showed up outside my house. I still don't know what she wanted with the visit and that is irrelevant. The main thing is she managed to stir up some emotions and make me feel like $hit again.

I hope you have a great time in Japan and the person that returns is closer to the jai you aim in becoming.

Hey guys.. I'm back from Japan.. the trip itself was CRAZY. Completely rockstar way of life for the 2 weeks we were there... great memories... man.. once I got home I still couldn't believe I'd done it. I did it! I backpacked Japan.

Anyway.. due to recent events.. this will probably be the last post I make in this topic. This is the end of jai's story.. or maybe the beginning?

16/10/08

As you guys know I've been pretty much straight nc since we broke up at the end of July. As it is I haven't talked to her for 2 months or so. Anyway.. recently me and a buddy are moving out together.. and I'm leaving town. I decided that before I left I would ring her one more time to say goodbye. When I got dumped it was over in minutes. I never got to say anything. Then we hooked up again and yes, again, over in minutes.

I punched the number in (I remember it off by heart)... looked at the little green call button.. my heart was hammering.. I hit dial.

The phone started to ring...

"Hello?" "Wow..hey" "Hey who's this?" "It's...Jai."

We talked.. I found out she had a boyfriend (and was strangely OK with it).. told her about Japan. I asked if she wanted to get coffee and catch up. She seemed pretty keen. Said she'd txt me and let me know when she was finished.

Anyway, I got the txt a few hours later. Basically it said she didn't think it was a good idea, that she couldn't think of me without getting emotional, and that she was questioning why I even rang. I rang back.. she never answered. So I sent her a txt message saying, basically, that I understood, and I had rung because I was leaving town and I just wanted to say "thank you" for the good times, because it had all ended so quickly and I had jumped so quickly into NC, I never got to lay it out. Despite everything I've done and dealt with, I can't say she was not a large part of my life for the last 3 years, she was and I loved her dearly. That's basically all my txt said.. that I was leaving town and wanted to say goodbye and thank you =) And that I wished her everlasting happiness. I've been saying that to a few people lately and it's true. I was so surprised how "okay" I was with it all.

Anyway.. she txted back a few hours later and said if I was leaving, she wanted to see me before I went. "I need to." I thought about this message.. and.. I don't know. I still don't know why I replied the way I did. Maybe I do deep down.

But I said, basically, that maybe it wasn't a good idea - every time we'd meet up one of us would get confused and I didn't want to have that effect on her anymore, and with her reaction to me ringing, obviously I had. (To be honest.. when I heard she had a boyfriend and she told me she was happy.. I wanted to back off. We have too much of a "thing".. I didn't want to wreck whatever happiness she has now just because one of us got swept up in the moment if we saw each other.) I told her that I had learnt that if you love someone you want the best for them, even if it's not with you, and once again wished her well with her new relationship, and that I was glad she was happy. I said I did not want to confuse her anymore. Her biggest fear is being alone, so at the end of the message I said as long as I was still out there somewhere, she'd never have to feel alone in the world. Then I said take care.. and that was that.

Hopefully she doesn't reply, or call, or anything. I don't have much else to say.. she's happy with someone else.. and it's weird. This.. I think.. is what real love is. The ability to love someone even when they've gone, when they've left you, to want the best for them, and be able to walk away from them if that is what is the best for them. I was with her for 3 years.. and only now I learn what love is. Real love shouldn't fade when they go. I don't want to tell any of you how to love, or whatever. But real love should be there whether they are or not. I love her guys. I probably always will. Even though I can't be with her... or talk to her... the love is there. Even though I'll move on.. find someone else.. the love is there. Now I know why I called. Because I needed to know that. I needed to be able to look myself in the mirror and say 'yeah, I love her, she's gone, and I won't see her again, but I love her and want the best for her'. I needed to be able to feel mature about something at the end of this relationship. I never got to be mature about it. I was thrown so quickly into NC trying to survive, everything stayed bottled.

I'm OK with the way I handled things.. any opinions here? Buster said hopefully the me that came back from Japan was closer to the me I wanted to be.. and I think it was.. I wanted to be able to close this all on a good note and wish her well.. and I did.. and that blows my mind a little bit, that I'm able to do that. I didn't think I'd ever be able to do that...

This was really it... learning she had moved on... saying goodbye.. I've come to the end of the road now. The real end of the road. Nothing more really to knock the wind out of me about the situation anymore, hey? All I've experienced.. this was it.. knowing she had definitely moved on.

I'll be out of town within the month I think.. new life awaits maybe? I'll probably take a break from AMHD. I've realised lately I come here and read, which just makes me think of it more. Time to get rid of the crutch.. I know enough on how to survive now.. and it's time to spend less time here and more time putting these things in to action. I want to come back in a few months to hopefully help some of the new guys when I'm on top of the world.

Anyway boys... let me know how you think I handled it.. it was a big day and I'm still sort of "wow" about it, so some kind words would soothe the demons a bit.

Catch you fellas on the flip. And thanks for everything.

Your buddy

Jai

Hey guys, it's been a while. I hope you're all doing well :)

Two months ago me and my ex had contact for a few days. It was a complete mistake - she ended up choosing the other guy over me. Since then I've been out with other women, you know, I'm a young guy with my stuff together so I get myself out there. But on that last contact certain things were said to me that from time to time pop up and I can't phase them out, I'd dig it if you guys could read them and tell me what you think.

Anyway, like I said, 2 months ago we had contact. She chose the other guy over me, which was a little gutting, but I went away to think it over. I said **** it. "If this is what it takes to keep each other in our lives, I will be your friend." Yeah - I said that, and I intended to stick with it. However, a few days later, we got into a huge argument. It came entirely out of left-field - I didn't get angry, but she did. This is what she said to me (paraphased): she said that she could not believe how ugly I was now. That I was ugly to her, and "an empty, soulless womanizer and a thrill-seeking yuppy".

Womanizer - she pointed me to my myspace blogs (that she somehow found a way to read - she shouldn't have been able to) and my one comment about wanting to join the mile high club.

Thrillseeking yuppy - after the breakup I tried to take everything in, and decided to go and backpack Japan with some friends.

Soulless/ugly - still don't know where this part came from.

I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing. A womanizer? I'd spent the entire time up to that point trying to move on, feeling bad most days because I thought about her constantly. I couldn't be a womanizer if I tried. Anyway, I went to bed. The next morning I saw her on MSN again before she went to work. I asked her about the previous night - she said she "didn't really remember much of what she said, but she remembered being upset".

I casually passed it off, disarmed the situation and told her to try and have a good day at work. And then, sadly, I went and reblocked her on my instant messengers, deleted her number again, and put up mail filters on all my email addresses. I didn't have the heart to say goodbye again - I just did this all quietly and sadly when she went to work that morning. The entire thing was tearing me up - I said I'd try my best to be friends, but after that I was just like, what's the point? I wouldn't be friends with anyone else who said that BS to me. (there are also other reasons that I won't go into right now.) Like I said, this was 2 months ago. I haven't heard from her since and don't intend to again.

What gets me is the fact that, if she really didn't remember what she said that night, she'll never really know why I disappeared again. And her little character attack definitely made some sort of impact. I still think it was entirely off base... but it still sits here and I still think about it. And she doesn't even know.

Thanks for listening to my BS. And Merry Christmas guys :)

People say hurtful things when they are hurting. Like many women I've known, it sounds like she wants the best of both worlds -- she's got her new guy, but she also has unresolved feelings for you, too. You're doing the right thing by staying away. I've just posted my story about my ex's invasion of privacy -- so your blog episode sounds familiar.

You should be seeking thrills and recovering your equilibrium. Happy holidays and best of luck.

Well its not BS if it upsets you. You have made the decision not to be friends... you have removed her from MySpace... etc. You have taken steps not to have her in your life even as just a friend. She chose another guy over you and slandered your character... you have had enough, is there really anything to discuss with her? Ignore it and move FORWARD. She might of not remembered everything she said because she was intoxicated or maybe doesn't want to own up to what she said (after she had time to think about what came out)... in any event, is this something you continually want to deal with? Your young, attractive, have your head screwed on straight, have objectives, goals, aspirations and other female prospective's. Deal with these unresolved issues, get passed it and find a nice girl to spend your time with that doesn't play immature games.

I think CB is right, when someone attacks your character, they are usually extremely upset themselves. Misery loves company, and for some reason, she was, at that time, very hurt by whatever it was she thought you were doing. The important thing to remember is that you know your own character, and that is all that matters... however, to you, there are issues out on the table you still feel are unresolved, otherwise, this wouldn't upset you that much.

True she may have been hurt but this doesn't change the underling factor that she chose someone else.