Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend asked for space, took a day

I'm just saying its been a long time since we have talked on the phone. If I don't call her, she usually calls me. We talk at least once a day when we were at school... no tala, she doesn't have to call me too, but it would be nice, you know?
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I'm trying to accomplish getting her interest lvl raised back up, because I fear it may be diminishing. She called me twice over the break because I didn't call her that day and that was great. But since Thursday, she hasn't initiated any contact between us, which is 2 days longer than we have ever gone wihtout phone contact.

God I hate xmas break...

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

Sorry, I don't mean to butt in here, but it seems as though you are really lonely without her, and that's okay. But it IS the holidays, and she MAY want to spend time with her family.

Is there a reason that you need day-to-day contact with her? Are you so uncomfortable in your relationship that you must talk to her daily? (Yes, I read the thread about her and her ex and lunch)

You see, women like me see men like that as needy. We don't want men who are needy. We want men who can stand on their own two feet and do what they need to do without approval from us.

A strong woman does not want, nor need, a weak man. Keep your distance, it's Christmas. She will appreciate you more when she gets back. There will be more to talk about. Give her space and don't smother her.

Yea I totally get what your saying but the day to day contact was a norm until about 4 days ago. I'm just wondering what has changed since then you know?

Should I just stop texting altogether now tooo? Just a merry xmas?

Maybe you will understand this: total silence

Quote:

Originally Posted by aiyerrc

yea i totally get what ur saying but the day to day contact was a norm until about 4 days ago. im just wondering what has changed since then ya know?

Christmas has changed everything. She may be busy with family, visiting relatives, etc...

Give the gal a break... if you want to text her merry christmas, then do so, but don't expect a response, and don't be hurt if you don't get one.

Give the gal a little breathing room over the holidays. Seems you are very needy and she is not. You could be turning her off if you keep it up.

You do not have a life without her do you?

You know, I remember the day when there was not texting, no internet, and long distance was expensive as hell... Those were the days that relationships WORKED.

Couples need some space from time to time. I have been with my husband for over 15 years and we still appreciate a little time alone, with friends or family.

Hah, its really not that... I may be bored as hell being home over xmas break, and that's why I'm asking so much and seeming so desperate... also, I don't have a lot of experience in relationships, so I'm trying to do everything right, which is impossible I know, but its hard not to try...

All I really want right now is by January 10th, we are still together, and I have other things that can take away my focus from her.

Like I've said before, I overworry about things and I make something out of nothing. I don't want to come to her yet, or at all with my insecurites, so I come here with them

Quote:

Christmas has changed everything. She may be busy with family, visiting relatives, etc...

I agree with J-9, with the holiday here she could just be really busy and not really have had the chance to call or talk to you. Try not to get yourself worked up and upset over it. I'm willing to bet that she's just swamped with so many other things right now. Don't let it dampen the holidays for you... Don't worry until you know for a fact that you have something to worry about.

Well, yes; she could have three other boyfriends texting her the at the same time. And Ol St. Nick is on his way, too.

Your putting too much focus on her, and not nearly enough on you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I am so confused, if she answers your text, does she have to call on the phone too????????????? Explain to me whats going on here, and what your trying to accomplish. I would think a text aday is enough.

I guess I know what's going on. She is a nice person, who respects the text sender, no matter who he is. But she is already annoyed from his wussy behaviour, to a point where every word he says, seems like a bomb in her hand, which she just can't handle. Do you know that feeling when, after you have eaten too much, even a small piece can make you vomit. Anyway, what I have seen and understood from his posts, he has a terrible wussy behaviour, always expecting for something from his girl, always being pushy, always wanting things to be "perfect" in his way, etc. And he still does it, even now. His mind thinks that, as the girl replied to his texts, is in somehow interested... what a fake... He should be doing not only NC, but also even forget even her name! These kind of these guys are really annoying. I mean, even a girl who wants everything from you, expects so much from you, makes you feel like vomitting and frustated.

Wildcat use to say less is more, how true. Its very unhealthy to expect anyone to always be there for you 24/7. Its so important that she is part of your happiness, not the only thing that makes you happy. Relax some and stop trying to be so perfect.

Matteus, you are more or less right on target, and that pretty much fulfilled what I had felt I was getting from her. I'm just kicking myself for screwing up royally, with a great girl. And now ever attempt I make to see if everything is normal with her, only drives that annoying nail for her in deeper. I'm just not going to contact her at all, whatsoever, because I know she could care less.IS THE RELATIONSHIP FULLY OVER? Because if it is, I want to just call her and end it, so I stop worrying about it. I want to end it on my terms, if it really is over for her and she hasn't broken up with me yet.

You have a lot of personel issues to deal with. The bad part is you have no clue how she feels, but have assumed yourself into a frenzy. Can't you see that? This is all you tripping in your own head.

Let her come to you, if she does she's interested, if she doesn't you are done.

Frankly, if she didn't text you or call you on xmas you are more than done, no need to ever call, let her call you, if she does call and asks why you have been distant, tell her that you thought that she wasn't interested, then shut up and listen to her answer.

Remember, the NC gets you to forget about her after time and move on. Just do it!

If your GF asked you for space and you are expecting a call don't. You should enjoy yourself the best you can go out or with family. Relax and see what happens. Don't push it you will make it worst.

Hey guys

LONG BUT PLEASE READ

For all of you who have been following my insane posts over the past few weeks, tonight me and my ex broke up via phone. I didn't want to do it this way, but the idea of being confused and not knowing just got me too impatient...

It was completely mutual, I pressed the subject, and she came out with it. She said she was going to wait until we got back to school, so we could talk in person, and I just couldn't wait until then, especially because I pretty much already knew the outcome.

She said 2 of the last 3 nights we spent together before the break, she was trying to have sex, so she would see if that would make the relationship work out and bring us closer... unfortunately, because I was a virgin, I wasn't ready... looking back, she said it worked out for the best because if we would have done it, it would have only prolonged the inevitable, and made it that much harder when we did. Besides, if a 2 month relationship at 19 has to be saved by sex, then I'm not sure it would have saved anything at all. Plus, it would have been for all the wrong reasons.

So it was a mutual breakup, and we agreed to be friends and not let this be the last night we spoke... we ended the conversatin with some joking around, and poking fun at each other. It felt so good to not have the pressure of being "in a relationship". We could just be ourselves. We agreed to meet over new years in atlanta, so she could give me my birthday present. I said yea thatd be nice, and we left it at that.

As anxious and obsessed I may have seemed in my earlier posts, it was more me trying to figure out the situation than the fear of actually losing her as a girlfriend. Yes I am a bit hurt, but I already feel better just knowing that this is what we both kind of wanted. It wasn't a nasty breakup, and we laughed and joked around here and there.

It just wasn't the right time for her to be in a relationship, nor was I ready to handle a relationship. She did cite that I may have pushed things a bit too hard too fast, but that most of the things I felt I needed weren't that outrageous. She just wasn't ready to give them to anyone, it didn't matter how much she liked me.

We said we were going to remain close friends and still talk to each other, but of course many mutual breakups say that. I still do like her, and I'm just glad I finally got to understand the way she was eeing us, and that's all I ever really wanted. She said there may always be a chance of us being together, but at the current time, it just wasn't happening. We were trying too hard at a relationship that was barely even off its feet to begin with. When we were together, we were great together, but the true test of a relationship is how we acted when we were apart. I felt she acted the opposite, she felt I acted the opposite of how someone should act.

I would sometime like to date her again, but I'm not holding my breath by any means. The part I will miss most about her will be all the superficial wrong reasons.. i.e. she's hot, she gives good "head", she's the envy of many other men around me, but like I said those are shallow and unimprtant reasons for a relationship.

If we get back fine, I know I will understand how a relationship goes the second time around, but its just going to take her time that whatever knowledge I lacked, I made up for with care and affection.

I know NC should be the way to go if I want to "get her back", but I don't even know if that's what I really want. I mean right now, when you lose something, you want to find it or get it back... thats human nature, especially, if you were fond of the particular item.

Should I contact her and meet up with her for new years?
Should I be friends with her? And hope she comes around by seeing me as a nonrelationship bound threat and a person she can once again have feelings for?
Or should I just go completely NC and forget about her altogether?

I know you may think I'm okay on the outside, but that's really not the case. I'm fine on the inside as well. I like her yes, but I'm not in love with her nor do I have any kind of infatuation with her. I would love to have another shot with her, but, like I said, I'm not going to hold my breath or wait for her.

I would like to say thank you to all the people who took the time to write thoughtful and insightful responses, however many different times and ways I asked the same question. This really helped me transition through the breakup phase, probably more than even I know. Thank you especially, talaniman, matteus, cali, livinglife, george, phil, and anyone else I forgot for everything. I will continue to keep in touch..

Well, if you're really OK with it, then good for you brother. You seem to be mentioning the possibility of being back with her, so I don't know if your heart is totally ready to let go. These things can get harder as people go on and see what the other person is doing in their life. I'm just saying this because I'd hate to see you torture yourself over the "might have beens".

In any case, if you aren't missing her completely terribly right now, I'd stay on that path. I really would limit contact, to keep you from tossing yourself into an uncommited woman... believe me I know that pain...

Anyhow, best of luck

I just know, from how sincere she was, granted it was over the phone, that she really was hesitant to do it and that I may have forced what was probably going to inevitabley happen, but nonetheless, the breakup was good for us at this point and time. I may have rushed things a bit as a said, but she said I probably wouldn't have mattered how fast or slow I went because it just wasn't the right time for her to be in a relationship.

The fact that it was mutual says a lot. I feel like going NC after saying we should see each other during new years would be a risk, but might work. On the other hand, she could have sugarcoated the breakup conversation, although as I said, she was sincere with her feelings, which she hadn't been the entire relationship.

She told me I shouldn't be an obligation to her, and at this point in time, she didn't want to feel bad for wanting to go and hang out with her friends instead of me on a given night.

I just realize she was very confused, and that's why we broke up.

I really don't see it as false hope, because I'm technically not "hoping" for it. If we see each other again, dating, gf/bf, whatever that's awesome and I would give it another chance no problem, I just don't know the best way to let her go about it. Me staying in touch with her, and showing that I can handle seeing her as a friend, and us having fun and eventually leading back to a relationship, or NC, in other words ignoring her, which I have felt up to this point is not the way to go with this type of girl. She doesn't play games, she doesn't test you. She's a bit reserved with her feelings, and I am not, that's the only real difference we had.

That is why this is a bit hard. If it were a nasty breakup, this would be a lot easier(well I haven't gone through one so I'm assuming) because I could have a reason to hate her. But it was such an amicable and normal conversation about something so serious, I feel it left room for it to be mended, and repaired, but just unaware of how long it would take

You see what I'm saying?

Yea I sure do. I think you're in a good place right now. I like the fact that you are able to say what was wrong with the relationship, and admit that it just may not be a good time for her to commit, without blaming yourself for it. That's a good emotional spot to be in, and shows a level of maturity about the whole thing.

Sometimes people can be friends after a relationship. I don't see it happen so SOON after a relationship very often however. I'd be willing to bet that some emotions and talk about things would definitely happen over new years. So, I'd give it a bit of space, but that's me. If you can handle it, then awesome, your keeping yourself confidence and not taking a huge ego hit from this.

I mean, to be completely honest, when she sees me over new years, and showing that I am comfortable being her friend first, then that is the way to go with her if something is to happen down the road as far as her and I go. I know her too well that the NC thing will only give her the impression "forget it" and she will completely ignore me. She's not the type, most girls will say they aren't, but few actually aren't, of girl that will chase after a guy is she is ignored by them... then again that could be a huge misconecption on my part so I just don't know. I spent our whole relationship chasing her, that I could never really see if she did any chasing! That's just what confuses me

2 options:

NC AT ALL

Be friends with her, not her BFFAEAEAE, but her friend, plutonic first, then maybe a rekindled flame