Ask Me Help Desk - Letters to our exes

Quote:

Originally Posted by starlite1

Hi freeatlast,

You are right, and that is the thing. I don't want to control him, I want him to come back because he really wants to. I just love this man so much, and I really wish he would look inside of himself and see why I said what I said. I don't mean to lay blame on him, but that was the reasoning behind my actions. I want to work on things, together...

Hi Starlite,

I think one thing you need to do is stop beating yourself up about what you did or didn't say. The way that guy reacted to you is not love. It is quite understandable that you would react with cold feet after all of his yo-yo behavior. If he had reacted in a loving way, he would have discussed with you your fearful feelings and would have eased your concerns, explaining why this time was different and why you could count and rely on him. If I really love a woman I don't give her ultimatums and snap at her and make her feel ashamed about her feelings. Honestly, I don't think he is treating you well and it is very manipulative.

You shouldn't be second-guessing what you did. True love doesn't get derailed that easily. And he even told you that he couldn't guarantee you that he would want to stay with you even if you got married. What you did was reasonable- you need assurances, especially considering the past. He should be ashamed of himself for the way he has been treating you.

Thank you Free. I really appreciate your feedback. You know, you are right. I know I love him, but, you are right, this is his M.O. and he should be more of a man and step up to the plate if he really loves me. (I don't mean that to sound needy). It really, really hurts that I am always the one who has to make things right...

Quote:

Originally Posted by starlite1

Thank you Free. I really appreciate your feedback. You know, you are right. I know I love him, but, you are right, this is his M.O., and he should be more of a man and step up to the plate if he really loves me. (I don't mean that to sound needy). It really, really hurts that I am always the one who has to make things right...

I think this is an interesting situation and completely polar opposite from the situation that I was in. In my situation, the girl was convinced that I wanted other women and didn't find her attractive. Maybe I somehow contributed to it inadvertently, I don't know, but she was intensely sensitive about everything, and no matter how many assurances or acts of love, flowers, notes, or whatever, nothing was enough of an assurance. I realized that it was useless to beat myself up over what I should or shouldn't have done, things would have been the same with this particular person. It's her problem, not mine.

In your case, the guy is definitely not stepping up as a man and giving you the assurances you need to give him a commitment. And he's got you so confused and distraught, that you are blaming yourself and second-guessing everything you've done. You need to come to the general realization that this is the way he is and there's nothing that you could or couldn't have done that would change this situation.

Frankly, it doesn't seem that he has much respect for you or your feelings.

Quote:

Originally Posted by freeatlast1

I think this is an interesting situation and completely polar opposite from the situation that I was in. In my situation, the girl was convinced that I wanted other women and didn't find her attractive. Maybe I somehow contributed to it inadvertently, I don't know, but she was intensely sensitive about everything, and no matter how many assurances or acts of love, flowers, notes, or whatever, nothing was enough of an assurance. I realized that it was useless to beat myself up over what I should or shouldn't have done, things would have been the same with this particular person. It's her problem, not mine.

In your case, the guy is definitely not stepping up as a man and giving you the assurances you need to give him a commitment. And he's got you so confused and distraught, that you are blaming yourself and second-guessing everything you've done. You need to come to the general realization that this is the way he is and there's nothing that you could or couldn't have done that would change this situation.

Frankly, it doesn't seem that he has much respect for you or your feelings.

Thank you Free. You made another valid point when you brought up your relationship. I am a very sensitive women, and insecure. I have been working on this for years to overcome this, and I have gotten better (granted still not a 100%). My ex does recognize that I am like this, but agreed that I have gotten better. But, when he acts the way he does, and yo-yos and keeps me at arms length, even now with the current situation and my breaking up, my insecurities surface more... I ask myself, is it me that he acts this way, etc? I also got nervous this time around, because of his past yo-yoing that I started to ask him 'you won't ever cheat on me will you'? I hope to God I didn't screw this up... I hope I didn't push him away, also to the point that caused him to call me a 'project' (a month ago when we broke up). I hope that he still would want me back and marry me, etc.. I hope I didn't ruin it...

Quote:

Originally Posted by starlite1

I ask myself, is it me that he acts this way, etc? I also got nervous this time around, because of his past yo-yoing that I started to ask him 'you won't ever cheat on me will you'? I hope to God I didn't screw this up...I hope I didn't push him away, also to the point that caused him to call me a 'project' (a month ago when we broke up). I hope that he still would want me back and marry me, etc..I hope I didn't ruin it...

No, No, No, NO. Listen to me and repeat back to yourself. No man alive who is intent on marrying a woman acts the way this guy is acting.

Quote:

Originally Posted by freeatlast1

No, No, No, NO. Listen to me and repeat back to yourself. No man alive who is intent on marrying a woman acts the way this guy is acting.

Thanks Free... I hope he will wake up, and see that I do really love him, I hope he loves me back (on the same level)

hello everyone... just thought I would let you know how I am doing. Well I did write out that letter and send it in the mail. The response was an e-mail telling me how she had fallen in love with the guy she was with, which saying that after one month of the last time she told me how much she loved me just shows that I was with someone who certainly doesn't know what love is, or she was a liar, I'm guessing both. What is really hard for me now are the constant people coming up to me when I go out telling me about her drama and her past, a past which includes a lot of things that I never even knew about, so it's like getting punched in the face all over again when I hear that stuff =). One funny thing I found out is that the last day she told me she loved me, she called before she was going up to her boyfriend's families cabin, so the amount of manipulation from this person was just incredible. It's so hard to step into reality and allow yourself to accept that the person you thought you loved, really isn't anything like that person. But I'm trying! And I am trying to understand that I deserve something great and someone who would give just as much to me as I gave to her. I've been doing some good things, I'm looking at jobs for Eli Lilly in California, Florida, and Illinois, now is my time to get out and see the world, learn about everything I can, make myself a great guy, and let go and let god! Going to try to quit smoking, really need to! Anyway, I still miss that girl everyday, even though she lives with some guy, eeek, but this place has been a godsend. I appreciate everyone who is able to open up their heart and soul, letting themselves be vulnerable and helping all of us grow. Thanks to everyone and I hope that as I heal, that I will be able to help those who will be on their way to the help desk =).

I think that this was a good idea firefly

Jesse,
I sit here and wonder how or why I fell for you like I did. You said that you loved me. Would always be by my side. You were the one that was planning our future together and when I went along with it, you said I was moving too fast. I am so glad that it is over. I no longer call or answer your calls for a reason but you just don't get the hint. Your no longer keeping my heart or mind hostage. I'm done with you. As I think more and more of all your games, I realize how lucky I was to actually lose you. I no longer have to be on my toes with what or how I say what I do. I have a true shot at happiness that you didn't care enough to provide me with. You will no longer be the first thought in my head when I awake or the last thought when I go to bed. I deserve better than you and now I actually realize it. So no, I will no longer come to your rescue when you need someone to talk to or need help of any type. I changed jobs for a reason, to get away from you and that's the way it will stay. Have a nice life!

Great letter confused1145

Dear C,

Looking back, I could never have imagined finding someone as amazing as you. I love your smile, and your beautiful blue eyes. I could stare into your eyes for hours, feeling your deep love for me refecting back. You will always be in my heart, you were my first in many things and I wouldn't take it back for a second. You taught me so much about myself and I am deeply grateful for that. You were my night and shinning armor and I truly thought that we were going to be together forever. But I don't think it was in Gods plan for us. God wants us to work on ourselves now and to move on and find the people that are right for us. I wish you luck my love, I will never stop loving you.

N

Dear ****,

I thought I knew what it was like to miss you, but I had no idea.

It's been one month since you ended us. Some days it feels like a lifetime since I was with you, but most days I can still picture your face smiling before me, your voice in my ear – I loved your voice, it was so comforting to me - and I can still imagine your arms around me when I lay in bed each night.

I'm so sorry for off-loading all my issues on you. I've never been one for talking to my friends – I've always been the one giving the advice and help - but you **** you were truly my best friend for those 7 months we knew each other, and I think it's so sad that I'll never get to talk to you or see you ever again. I know I never really talked about my issues and all even when I wrote you that letter months ago letting you a little bit into my mind – but I thought someday you would be the one person to truly know me and support me.

I never had a real relationship before I met you – you know that. I have always been the single one in my group of friends, and I've always had lots of male friends. There's obviously something about me, which most men don't like - but whatever that is, thank you for overlooking it enough to be with me for seven months. After a year on match.com, I lost count of the number of dates I went on and never heard from the guys again. I always was curious why they would say they had a great night – but then never contact me. I'm obviously missing something that other people are seeing. Maybe you eventually saw whatever it is too.

However, when I was with you, I felt special. I felt beautiful for the first time ever. When I was with you, I believed that you thought I was beautiful and attractive and it didn't matter that I didn't have the slim body that all my other friends have (which is why I suspect most guys don't like me). You helped me feel normal for the first time ever. I felt comfortable being the real me for the first time. I didn't feel like I had to pretend to be anything other than myself when I was with you. I was comfortable being with you, being naked with you – which I never thought would ever be possible for me. Even with the guys I had been with before you I always felt like I was pretending, and I never felt totally comfortable with them. When I met you, I finally found out what it was to be happy, and normal.

I miss you every day, and I guess it does not help that I have to pass your house twice a day and I can't help but look up at it and remember the many happy times we had together there.

My grandfather died the week after you finished with me (which I think you'll agree makes the month of July 2008 a pretty sh1tty month for me!). All I wanted to do was call to your house for a hug, for some company. I miss that. I miss being with you. I miss having someone to give me a hug, someone to kiss me, someone to call before I go to sleep at night. I miss lying on your bed, and falling asleep in your arms – because I felt so safe and comfortable with you.

I hope that I am on your mind and that when you look at things you are reminded of me. The only reason I hope this, is that this is how it is for me. Everything in my life reminds me of you.

Where I work reminds me of our first date, reminds me of sitting in Starbucks and you giving me my Christmas present, and reminds me of meeting you for lunch all those times. My job reminds me of all the many emails I got from you. The silly pictures or stories you sent, and the many emails where you told me how much I meant to you. I have deleted all your emails to stop myself from reading them every day, but I still remember them. Especially the ones so early in our relationship where you told me that it felt right, that you were crazy about me, that I made you feel special, even stupid comments about you liking my lady garden(!), and that I'd do just the way I am.
When you wrote "I think you'll do just the way you are", you have no idea how happy that made me. I have spent my entire adult life wondering what I'd have to change to make a man love me - and you just accepted me as I was.

Being in my flat reminds me of you. It reminds me that I wanted nothing more than to be close to you – that's the only reason I moved there. Possibly that's a bit stalker-like – but I loved you and wanted you to be close (and you said you didn't mind! Hehehe). The flat reminds me of the times I attempted to cook food but you had to take over. It reminds me of the laughter we shared when you would slag me for my lack of cooking skills – I loved that. It reminds me of lying on my sofa wrapped in each other and you saying how much you loved just being with me. It reminds me of my birthday and opening my presents. It reminds me of your birthday when I spent a day wrapping presents for the first person I ever loved. It reminds me of falling asleep with you and waking up with you – and how much I loved that. It reminds me of how happy I was when my days began with you waking me up by kissing me.

My flat reminds me of you taking away the only thing in my life that made me happy. Every time I am in my room, I'm reminded of you sitting in my chair trying to justify why we could not be together. Now when I lie in my bed I am flooded with the remembrance of the shock and utter devastation of the moment you said we were over.

I spent so much time in the first few weeks after you finished it questioning our entire relationship. I have so many questions that I know I will probably never have answers to, or even if I got answers, I probably wouldn't understand them. I kick myself - which is impressive given my history of injuries :o) - because maybe I should have seen it coming. Maybe if I could convince myself that the relationship was not as great as I thought it was, then maybe it would be easier to get over.

How long before the night you ended it had you been thinking that it was coming to an end?
How long had you been contemplating the possibility moving cities without telling me?

I wish you had just been honest with me. I wish you had been able to drop even the smallest hint that you were so unhappy with your life. I wish I knew why you stayed with me as long as you did if you knew it wasn't going to last. I wish you knew how much you meant to me. I wish you had ended it much sooner – instead of letting us become my longest relationship, before letting me fall so in love with you. I wish I knew why I loved you more than you loved me. I wish I knew why I could'nt be a part of your life. I wish I knew how I could be so oblivious to what was going on in your world. I wish I had realised that I was not important to you, and evidently wasn't part of your world. I wish you hadn't made me love you. I wish you hadn't gone on holiday with me a week before dumping me - and given me all those memories which once happy are now so sad. I wish you had considered the fact that every day we were together I loved you more and more.

I still do not understand, and to be honest I do not think I ever will. I want to believe that you did love me. I think you did for a little while at the beginning, but whatever bit of love you did have for me clearly faded. Because if you loved me the way I loved you, you could not have just deleted me from your life.

I feel so stupid and naïve for falling for you, and believing that what we had was special. I feel stupid for thinking that we were a good match. I feel stupid for believing you when you said at New Years that this year was going to be good because we were together. I feel stupid for gloating to all of my friends the weekend before we went on holiday that we were going great, that we had no problems and that we were so in love. I feel stupid for going on that holiday with you. I feel stupid for taking pictures of you and me together. I feel stupid for telling everyone when we got back from holiday that it was great, that we didn't fight once – and I feel incredibly stupid for thinking that was such a great thing. I feel stupid for believing that the fact that we could spend all that time together was a great sign. I feel stupid for being so blind to what we really had.

Maybe it's because I was 24 when I met you and had never been in love. Maybe I wanted to be in love so bad that I invented this great relationship in my head. Maybe it is because of my depression that I convinced myself I was happy with you – maybe I thought I needed something/someone external to pin my happiness on. Maybe it is because I had 4 years alone before you that I fell for you so hard because you showed an interest – which was so unusual to me.

Maybe you could tell me that my view of what we had was not just in my imagination. Maybe if I knew that you thought we were good together, that those seven months were not fake, maybe I'd have some comfort knowing that what we did have was as real as I believed it to be.

Though, on the other hand, knowing that you thought that what we had was as great as I thought and that you were still able to throw it away would be hard to take in. It makes me sad that you might have just been using me to pass a few months of your life until you decided what to do. If I think of us that way, a little piece of me dies.

Having been single my whole life, I knew that I would have my heartbroken eventually. I did not expect my first love to be the person I spent the rest of my life with – that only happens in Hollywood films. Nevertheless, I had sooooo hoped that I would get to spend more that seven months with my first love. I never trusted anyone enough to let them in my life. I trusted you with my whole heart, and you broke that trust.

I remember how much I missed you last December when I was with my family for Christmas – even though we'd only known each other a few weeks. I was so convinced that we would last that when I booked flights home for Christmas 2008 in June I only planned to go home for a couple of days because I knew that this Christmas I'd miss you even more than last. That is how blind I was! I was so convinced we would last a year! How mental is that!

I guess that's also quite pathetic and sad on my part! I had such a different view of what we were. You were the most important person in my life. You made me feel special and beautiful for the first time in my life. I honestly thought I was important to you. I don't think you really know how happy you made me.

I know relationships end and people move one. Break-ups happen every day all over the world. So I'm not unique in the way I'm feeling. And God I've been the shoulder to cry on for enough of my friends to know that time is a healer. But all logic and reasoning goes out the window when it's you. I will get over you ****, and I know our lives are separate now. It is sad, but it was your decision. And however much it kills me, I have accepted that.

I wish I could know if you have missed me at all since you ended us.

Even though I'm heartbroken, I can say that I'm kind of glad that I can now say I've been in love. Finally, at 25, I know what it's like to love someone. Unfortunately, I also now know what it's like to have that love taken away. Hopefully I will learn from this. Maybe when I meet the next guy (in another 4 years or something like before I met you! Hehehe) I'll not jump in headfirst like I did with you. I'll not wear rose-tinted glasses and think everything is great. I will hopefully learn how to view relationships realistically. I guess I never thought you could just walk away from loving someone, but now that you've shown that's possible, next time I'll be aware that it could end at any moment.

There is a point to this rambling other than repeating how I feel about the situation, and this is it... I do hope that wherever you have ended up that you are happy. You kept saying on the night you ended it that you hadn't made any decisions. I guess I would be interested to know what decisions you did make. Did you find a new job? Did you move up north? If you did move up north, I hope you are seeing your family and friends often - seeing as that was apparently your main reason for moving.

I'm going to believe that in some way, at some point you did love me ****. If that is true, then thank you for loving me. Thank you for letting me love you. Although in the weeks after you ended us I was at the lowest I'd ever been, in the seven months we were together I was the happiest I'd been in all my life.

I'd like to hope that at some point in the future be it in a few months, or even years, that you'll get in touch to let me know how you're doing and what's happening in your life, because I'll always care about you.

I honestly did believe that loving someone was enough – but apparently, life is more complicated than that.

Bye ****, take care of yourself.
Love always,
M

Well said, mdornan.. . how do you feel after writing it?

I guess it was a little bit of relief - just to get it all out of my head.

Jeez! I never thought I could write soooo much! I'm surprised anyone bothered to read it all!

I actually spent today writing it with the full intention of sending it to him. But then I thought "what's the point"... so I found here to leave it.

I guess if I'm truly honest with myself, if was to send it to him my hope would be that he replies saying he's sorry, that he didn't mean it and that he wants to be with me again.

But I know deep down that that's not going to happen. I know full well that if I did send it to him he wouldn't reply.

Hopefully by putting it out here other people going through something similar can get comfort from knowing that they're not the only one feeling that way - as that's what I felt when I read some of the other posts on here.

It's still taking all my will power not to send it to him - because the night he ended it I was too shocked and emotional to say anything. He just said his excuses and left and I haven't seen or heard from him since. I never got to say what I felt. I wish he could know how I feel.

Everyone should write a letter like this - I think someone else on here referred to it as "free therapy" - and that is a great description!

:o)

I won't even attempt a letter! LOL
a) too much to say
b) too much thoughts/feelings

To the lying, cheating, pathetic, insecure, controlling, no good, manipulative, heartless, inconsiderate, waste of space, scum of the earth, loser that came into my life and didn't leave until he had turned everything upside down...

I can't thank you enough. But I am sure Karma will. :D

Me

Dear *****,

I wish within my heart of hearts that things did not have to end like this. I never meant to put you second in this, but I did. I was selfish and didn't think about how my actions would affect you. I remember the days of old. The days when we were happy and never hid anything from each other. I remember when you would look into my eyes, and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that you loved me. With you, I felt like I could rule the world. You held me up when I wouldn't walk, and picked me up when I had fallen. I never really knew what it meant to love someone until I met you. I remember when we met for the first time, you had me from hello. You took me and made me into the person I always wished I was.

I know it's not always possible for everyone to live their life and find their absolute heaven, but I know I sure did and I thank you for that. You loved me like no other, and you never stopped until the end. You believed in me when no one else did. Every time I looked up, you were there beside me. Whether it was good, or bad. I want you to know, that I'm next to heaven when I'm next to you.

If I must do this, I will, but please know that I can't come back like before. This is the end, and as much as it saddens me, I have no other way for this to play out.

Dear S,

You said you were my family, you and Mister Nin. Do you know how heartbreaking it was to watch you walk away? No, you don't, and now you are gone, and Nin is gone, and my family is gone. And I'm here, because you left me behind, when I never left you behind. Remember when you had no job or friends and you said I was on the lifeboat and I was sailing away? And I said, don't worry S! I'll never sail away! Jump on the life boat with me! I said that to you. And then when you did get a nice job and some nice friends... you left. You left and you blamed me for everything. And I took it to heart, I believed you when you told me it was all my fault, even though everybody who heard about it told me that was dumb, that it took two people to mess things up, I still took it to heart.

Sorry for the things I did wrong. But you did still leave me behind. I hope you make it worth it.

I don't want to be found anymore. I used to be. But you would never find me in the way I wanted you to, you would just find me and bring me pain. And since you'd never find me like that... I guess I don't want to be found at all. I don't want anymore pain from you. I just want to be free.

There hasn't been a day gone by when I haven't missed you and that sucks. But I'll never tell you that, and I'll never let anyone else know it either. And I'll keep my head up knowing that the day will come when I won't. I do wish you the best, but I don't think I can see you again.

Goodbye S

Jai

Dear Britt,

I remember the first time I spoke to you. How shy I was and nervous. Looking into your eyes and feeling my heart flutter. How you would bring a smile to my face by just looking at me. Those feelings I felt were the best I have felt so far. You looked me in the eyes and told me how you much you loved me and how I was the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. If I was then why did you leave me? Why did you kiss that guy and say sorry I have stronger feelings for him? Do not answer because the answers I seek will only proceed to hurt me.

I gave you everything and anything without so much as a hesitation. I was there to take you to your friends when you and your father fought. I lied to your father's face because you begged me not to tell him you had sex.

The signs appeared rapidly and I did not have time to realize them. You were kind enough to let me go before I was hurt worse. You tore something from my soul that day something I thought I would never be able to regain.

I have thought so much about you and kept myself from pouring those feelings out to you. I do forgive you and do still love you from the bottom of my heart but I know we can never be as you do not feel the same. To see you now would set me back and crush my slowly mending heart to pieces again.

You gave me a year and half of nothing but great memories as I hope I did you. I will hold a place in my heart for you always. Britt thanks for the memories and I know it was not all a lie but people change as I have in the past three weeks. I wish you the best in life and hope you never deal with this pain. I wish you to stay with terry and be happy for the rest of life also wish your family the best.

Goodbye Britt.