Ask Me Help Desk - I'm in dire need of assitance. Ex emailed!

Maybe she is missing you, but the friend you. At any rate, I wouldn't go for it. If you're comfortable being friends with her, go for it. Otherwise, if she calls have a casual conversation but don't call her.
Continue moving on with your life.

Yeah I feel like it's a lose lose situation. It sucks.

If I don't even respond she will see that as rude and I will be the bad guy.

If I do respond saying I can't be friends with her it will seem like I'm still not over her.

If I respond saying I want to be friends too, then it's me giving in to her and allowing her to not miss me.

I will tell you what, I will keep my life going, that much is certain. There is no way in heck I will allow myself to be derailed by her again. It just won't happen. I'm much stronger now. I also see the games we as people play now adays. I'm much more prolific. It's taken me a while from being completely socially inept to being at least allright with myself. I'm still pondering.

Quote:

Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Homegirl it's been 6 months. I haven't seen her and I hadn't heard from her in 5 months. We both have already said it's over. It's a given she doesn't have to let us down easy because we let each other down the hard way. I remember she had said it's over straight up with no compassion. And then I had said, look we can't live with each other. Why come back 6 months later and say "I just want to be friends"? I will tell you what my suspicions are. I think she is having difficulty finding a guy who can reach her intellectually. She's a bright girl. A little on the crazy side, but bright nonetheless. She can get any guy she wants, but I think the guys she is getting are probably not stimulating her, so she comes to me for that now. She doesn't want a physical or romantic relationship, but through friendship she wants me to be the intellectual stimulant. That in a sense is like a crutch. What is driving me bananas is the potentiality of being incorrect. What if in fact she has moved on but had valued me as a person in her life who was influential, and wants to try and actually have a friendship? I will agree with you that there is a better chance of it dying down. Because I have to face that whatever her intentions are if she, or I, find a person that blows our minds away we would let go to a certain extent. :o I think I effed up her ability to buy into mens bs lines and tactics. All through our relationship I taught her (to my own detriment) the different bull tactics men employ in order to get into womens pants. The question that I have for her is "what does she get out of this?". That's really what I'm pondering asking her or looking to be answered. Don't worry homegirl, what you are doing is breaking the bullsh!t immature dream wandering, illusions that I've held. I'm very skeptical at this point.

You are torturing yourself. You are worrying about things that are 100% irrelevant:
"I taught her tactics men employ..."
OR
"The potentiality of being incorrect..."

You have 2 options:

1) Accept her as a platonic friend

2) Leave her out of you're your life.

In time (several more months) the decision will be more lucid for you I hope.

Let time do its work.
And if there is a silver lining here, it's that you may be able to see that you need to work on yourself... working on her and "teaching her" are the easy way to avoid working on yourself so the next person you fall in love with, you can share more with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

You are taking the romantic's view of it. You have to ask yourself, much like I am asking myself now, does accepting her proposal to be friends mean that you are giving into her? Women don't want weak men.

1. You think that she didn't saw your weak part during the relation? What are you trying to do now? To take your "power" back, be "strong" and cut her off your life? Well, why do you cut her off your life? Because you can't deal with your feelings. So, you take that path, because of your feelings? Because you are weak and afraid of your feelings?

2. Here is all about interests and compromises buddy. What is your will? To have her back. Deep inside you, you would want to come with her again in a relation, and maybe in the future. Right? Now, how can you do this, if you stop being her friend? You ask yourself a question. She asked you (like mine did) if I want to stay friends with her. Do you think she really mean this "friends" relation?? Even if she really means "friends", there will be always a "sexual" attraction toward each other. Remember, you had sex with her, and both of you, will have problem ignoring this attraction. Deep her, there will be always a "what if", as long as you stay friends. "what if i try again with this guy...?". You need to cultivate this question to her mind, by being the attractive and sensual guy you were in the beginning. They are not robots buddy, but human beings.

Quote:

Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

If one gives into their ex's desire to be friends, while that keeps the idea open that we might someday actually become friends or more, it also means we are doing what she wants. Think about it, in all reality she wants you to be friends with her because she misses you or has an inability to accept someone disliking her. Once she (and this also applies to my situation) says it is over that's a final heartbreaking decision she made. She lost you, so then does she get the privilege of having your presence around? It's a delicate situation. Because alternatively, if you do try and become friends, maybe that is what you were meant to be in the first place. You could also be missing out on a lot. Then again, keeping contact really only slows down our healing and may even prevent us from finding someone else who may be better for us because we hold on to the past and it clouds are present and future. Brain is hurting right now, must rest. ARGH

Listen buddy. I had an ex of mine. We broke up, and because I didn't felt like before, I mean, it was boring, I was not affected to the girl anymore, because she didn't knew how to make me fall for her. Anyway. We didn't spoke for 3 years at all. After 3 years, I called her. It was weird, because I saw her every 4-5 days during this years, and without speaking it was difficult for me to understand if she really changed something in her behaviour, or if she cultivated in herself, what I was looking for and make me feel attached to her. Well, we spoke, and I told her I would like to be friends. Guess what. She wanted to come in a relation again. That was not what I was asking for. I couldn't said to her that I want to see if you have changed, and you are better, etc, but indirectly, through the "friendship", I wanted to see if it was worth and she can make me fall for her. In somehow, I was looking to give myself "a chance" with this girl. I was not loking to give her that chance. Egoistic? Maybe, but feelings are egoistic at this point. I can't make myself fall for someone, this depends on the other person. She didn't wanted that, so still that day, we still don't talk anymore. You get my point? You can't see the changes in a person, or being attracted to that person, if you don't have contact. No contact means lost, means no contact, nothing, nada, no miss or such things. In your case, your ex, though this "contact" (which depends on the way you do this contact, the way you talk to her, things you do, etc) may be asking herself for her chance with you. You get my point ? I say, "be friends" with her, work on yourself, and every time you two speak to each other try to build the attraction again on her, through flirts, teasing, etc.

Well, I found out today my ex is with someone else. I emailed her today saying that sure we could try being friends. Then I got a message from an old friend coincidentially. He told me that she has a relationship with some guy. Apparently for some time now, which is why she prompted the whole friend thing. In a way my situation resolved itself. I didn't run back, I didn't try again. I said sure to the friend thing but I kept my dignity. I'm shocked that it hurt somewhat though. I guess I never really let go fully. I am glad that it's done though. Now, I think I can truly move on. No more what if's and no more maybe's. No more alarms no more surprises. Let this be a lesson to anyone that seeks peace. Peace has to be gained from within. No one should have to give you peace. It is one's choice to attain it. Relying on others to get it for you is building your house on sand and not rock. Realization of this is step 1, it is only then that we can give peace to others. I've found my calling. The past has been resolved. Now I can try and gain my future.

Quote:

Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Well, I found out today my ex is with someone else. I emailed her today saying that sure we could try being friends. Then I got a message from an old friend coincidentially. He told me that she has a relationship with some guy. Apparently for some time now, which is why she prompted the whole friend thing. In a way my situation resolved itself. I didn't run back, I didn't try again. I said sure to the friend thing but I kept my dignity. I'm shocked that it hurt somewhat though. I guess I never really let go fully. I am glad that it's done though. Now, I think I can truly move on. No more what if's and no more maybe's. No more alarms no more surprises. Let this be a lesson to anyone that seeks peace. Peace has to be gained from within. No one should have to give you peace. It is one's choice to attain it. Relying on others to get it for you is building your house on sand and not rock. Realization of this is step 1, it is only then that we can give peace to others. I've found my calling. The past has been resolved. Now I can try and gain my future.

Fantastic insight and a very fortunate person. Best wishes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Peace has to be gained from within. No one should have to give you peace. It is one's choice to attain it. Relying on others to get it for you is building your house on sand and not rock. Realization of this is step 1, it is only then that we can give peace to others.

Simply beautiful. This is where we find happiness and strength, then we find the good relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Well, I found out today my ex is with someone else. I emailed her today saying that sure we could try being friends. Then I got a message from an old friend coincidentially. He told me that she has a relationship with some guy. Apparently for some time now, which is why she prompted the whole friend thing. In a way my situation resolved itself. I didn't run back, I didn't try again. I said sure to the friend thing but I kept my dignity. I'm shocked that it hurt somewhat though. I guess I never really let go fully. I am glad that it's done though. Now, I think I can truly move on. No more what if's and no more maybe's. No more alarms no more surprises. Let this be a lesson to anyone that seeks peace. Peace has to be gained from within. No one should have to give you peace. It is one's choice to attain it. Relying on others to get it for you is building your house on sand and not rock. Realization of this is step 1, it is only then that we can give peace to others. I've found my calling. The past has been resolved. Now I can try and gain my future.

Well done , I'm glad your through the worst of it and moving on. Good post!

Thanks everyone. Now, I must combat becoming a cynic heh. My ego is bruised, but in a way I feel empowered. Almost like I must become even better. C'est La Vie.

Enigmagnetic, I'm glad that you have found peace and closure. I've found myself in a similar situation, finding out that my ex is seeing someone. My feelings and self image has also been bruised.

Having read the different circumstances for everyone who has lost someone they care about, a lot of advice is to keep busy and improve ourselves. I've come to this realization, there's nothing wrong with any of us, that we need to improve upon. Sure we might have made mistakes in the relationship, who doesn't. We are who we are, and we just weren't with someone that appreciated us for who we are. Each of us are unique with characteristics, and it should be a privilege for someone, when we share our lives with them. This is also true for the other person. When we find ourselves in the next relationship, remember to chose wisely, appreciate the other person, and don't let petty things get in the way.

Going off what enigmagnetic said about building your house on sand... We must not find security by depending on someone else. The only person you can truly depend on is yourself. Dependence on anyone else is weakness. Stay strong everyone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

I feel empowered. Almost like I must become even better. C'est La Vie.

(I'm so glad you made it through this! )

Now, of course, you are going to be on call to help others resolve romantic breakups!! You are AMHD's "designated driver".

You're going to be very busy!

Happy to hear that you have figured everything out and that your ready to leave the past where it is supposed to be and get ready for a brighter future.

Hello all,

I've been struggling with my mind lately. My past relationship has been finalized, and I'm no longer accruing emotional "escrow". In the previous months I've increasingly becoming well acquainted with all my past transgressions and imperfections, and acts that inspire shame. All the mistakes I've made through, not only the period of my last relationship, but overwhelmingly throughout life, have hit me like a tsunami. I'm indivisible now, as I'm completely alone and without social stimulation. I did this to myself. Pushed away all the people in my past one by one. Then with the last relationship the ties that binded me have been severed. I accepted it, and in fact, I anticipated it and once it arrived I realized I need to be alone. This has truly opened my eyes to the significant maladjustments of myself and, not unnoticed but rather postponed, the flaws within my family and my past. Without a therapist I've encountered these things on my own and I feel, quite frankly, rather exhausted and at times at war with moral questions. The reality of my generation is one that has been criticized as rather selfish and more so inclined to look at the self rather than the community. I do all I can to focus on others and help, but it's rather hard when I feel I have these seems that are not sown and will not be repaired easily. My question to all that can stand this self conscious plight, is this; Can it be possible after making so many wrongs in life and toward others to find redemption merely by doing the best you can to be the best you can (ie helping others in need, being as selfless as possible, giving without expecting anything, giving advise, teaching) without repairing those things that one has left behind?

Can I just forgive and forget without repairing those wrongs I've caused? Lord knows, I've tried to move on. My ex has, and she's happy now and all I feel is relief that she is happy and that for the time being that perhaps she doesn't hate me for all the mistakes, and that I don't hate her for her mistakes. That's all well and sugar but how can I ever know that I have in fact improved, without fear that I haven't. I can't date yet, because I feel I would possibly repeat the same mistakes. How does one know that they have changed or are ready?

I think this venting always helps.

Time.

That's what's still needed buddy.

You are only a couple months into this. 2 months from now you will be that much better.
A relationship comes to us when we are ready. You are not ready yet.
But it will happen.

Al l you can do is your best. If you recognized your mistakes your faults and now seek to improve yourself, that is all you can do.
I'm a believer and I believe that when I have done wrong to someone or against God I can repent, ask forgiveness and move on. That does not mean I will never face the consequenses of what I did in the past, but I am forgiven. Then you just pray that the mistakes you made will not be repeated.

It's hard to answer your question without knowing some specifics. Your post is very vague and global. But to attempt to give you some sort of response I'll say this ; it is certainly possible to change. You may not be able to make good on all of the wrongs that you've done (nobody can) but you can learn from them and vow not to repeat them in the future. Where you've done wrong in the past you can substitute doing right in the future. Anyone has it within them to make those types of changes. If you do, you'll come out being all the better a person for it and the rewards will realize themselves.

Anyone else having as much of a hard time getting through your first holiday season without the "other"? Man I tell you, going home to a slightly dysfunctional family, where you are one of the last to not have a relationship (if it wasn't for my 14 year old sister I'd be the only one) is excrutiating. While my old "princess" is probably hanging stockings with her new significant other next to a roaring fire while sipping on egg nog and talking about their future children, I'm trying to get the family dog to stop humping my leg. Although Fido's affection is appreciated I'm sure I could find better uses for my leg, and as for my head, well that's the problem. It is the constant mental struggle. I'm spending the season pretty much alone. New years It will be me and my conscience. Can anyone tell me that I'm not special for having no one? To all those that are struggling with a breakup I hope you find yourself with a friend or a family member to be there with you during the holiday season. I'm doing it alone and somehow surviving and not going completely mental. Cheers.

Hey, at least you have a family to go home to over the holidays. Lots of people don't.
Get involved in making the holiday a good one for all of you.
Live for today. Find good things happening all around you or make them happen.
Stop thinking everything is great for her, chances are there is no roaring fire, but a stuffy forced air furnace. Eggnog will make her fat, too. Cheers to you!

Boo hoo right Cerisa? I was looking to feel connected. Like I'm not the only one completely alone this holiday season. I know I have my family (to a certain extent, I actually wasn't invited for Christmas, but showed up anyways), and believe me I'm thankful, but I wanted to hear how others are spending their holidays and how they feel. I wanted to feel human I guess, I don't know. I've been acting like a robot for the last 20 days or so and I wanted to feel normal for a bit. I'm being silly probably. I'm not sure.