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Originally Posted by vivia12

You must be going through somewhat similar situation or how else would you just pinpoint it this way? Now he's finding silly reason to contact me and looks like he wants to restart the game, where i'm the one that alsways loses. If you dont mind me asking ,did your ex string you along also?my thing is he seemed more sincere in his interactions with me before he left and got involved with someone now i feel like its an attention game,my question even if its silly and doesnt matter,is he only treatin gme in this manner while he probably treats his gf like a princess? i was nothing but a good friend to him at the beginning when he was going thru crisis, its like ok i'm done, now i'm better than you.
someone told me no once they,dumpers are dishonest they are like that with everyone. Just want your opinion on this? Thanx

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It may be dishonesty, and he sounds like he is unfairly flaunting his new girlfriend at you. Although I think in a lot of situations, dumpers do not realise they are hurting the dumpee with the wishes of friendship. They do it to ease their guilt, often without realising they are doing it and also without realising how much hurt and false hope they are causing the dumpee.

My experience was very similar to yours. Though my ex did not flaunt any new boyfriend at me. We broke up Feb 97, she ran the "i'd like to stay friends" line. I was not sure but felt guilty about saying no, as she had a few problems that only I really knew about. I initially gave her a bit of space, 6 ish weeks, and we then met again. The spark seemed still there.

She then told me she had met someone else and was sorry for hurting me. I said being in touch wouldn't work, she agreed. She then got back in touch no more than 5 weeks later (obviously when her new thing didn't work).

We met "as friends" but lapsed into doing coupley things, though no relationship i.e. a surrogate! After a couple of months of this all the signs pointed to us trying again, she said no, but, bizarrely, agreed we were very good together. At one point she wanted to get our holiday snaps out!

I decided then (last August) that NC was the only choice. I have stuck to it. She has not contacted me either.

So yes, in many respects, very similar.

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Originally Posted by vivia12

You must be going through somewhat similar situation or how else would you just pinpoint it this way? Now he's finding silly reason to contact me and looks like he wants to restart the game, where i'm the one that alsways loses. If you dont mind me asking ,did your ex string you along also?my thing is he seemed more sincere in his interactions with me before he left and got involved with someone now i feel like its an attention game,my question even if its silly and doesnt matter,is he only treatin gme in this manner while he probably treats his gf like a princess? i was nothing but a good friend to him at the beginning when he was going thru crisis, its like ok i'm done, now i'm better than you.
someone told me no once they,dumpers are dishonest they are like that with everyone. Just want your opinion on this? Thanx

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Sorry, that should have said Feb 2007, not 1997. It has not been that long!!

My ex has just added me on Facebook, despite her admitting herself I can't be friends it's a bit of a dilemma

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Originally Posted by Maggie83

My ex has just added me on facebook, despite her admitting herself i can't be friends its a bit of a dilemma

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It is a fishing exercise, guaranteed. Do not respond immediately. Remember how far you have come.

Fishing for what? I haven't responded so far I at least think id sleep on it tonight at the very least

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Originally Posted by Maggie83

fishing for what? i havent responded so far i at least think id sleep on it tonight at the very least

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To reassure herself that you are still there and available if she wants you to be. It is less risky than asking direct and having the potential rejection!

So what do you suggest?

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Originally Posted by Maggie83

so what do you suggest?

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Do exactly as you said, sleep on it.

Oh I'm not making a snap decision, just parculiar after she admitted we can't be friends... is she just wanting to know what I'm up to

Yeah. Def fishing. My ex e-mailed my best friend (MY BEST FRIEND!! ) to ask how I'm doing.

... my best friend's response: ::clicks the DELETE button::

Fishing, yes... but I guess she thought her and my best friend would still remain friends. Oops.

I also think my ex is "using" her friends to see how I'm doing. Our mutual friend recently asked me to go to lunch with her... we went to lunch. I threw some scraps at her... such as I'm doing fine... I'm doing this... I'm doing that...

After that lunch, I haven't heard from her in 2 weeks. Oh well.

Maggie: there's nothing wrong with accepting that "requests to be your friend"... but then what? In her mind... what do you think is going on? Granted, fbook and myspace mean so little... but it still is a step.

I just don't really know what to do for the best don't want to be hurt but don't want to close the door completely I do still love her

Well that's the thing. You've been doing NC... so I think she's wondering what's happened to you. Her friending you is a way of seeing if you're still "interested" in being part of her life. Not as a boyfriend, but just a part. Hope that makes sense.

Do you want her back? How long has it been since NC? Are you ready to talk to her again?

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Originally Posted by Questions2007

To reassure herself that you are still there and available if she wants you to be. It is less risky than asking direct and having the potential rejection!

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Oops did the wrong quote,I've have heard from him today,yes he was fishing. However, I was honest did tell him I wasn't interested iin being friends because I didn't think of him that way,first time in ages I said that. Yes I'm a wuss who didn't say 'dont contact me unless you want me back, I was honest and saying that friendship didn't work for me and I couldn't keep lying to myself, I told him,actually, reiterated on an email he claimed to not understand, but replied to it a week after?. it stated keeping contact wasn't good idea and I didn't just want friendship,same thing,but no I wasn't firm with the don't contact thing. My feeling s are similar to maggie83, not wanting to shut the door completely ,but not wanting to be friends either. But I'm now going through this crisis situation in which he seemed willing offer advice or a listening ear,now he's being nice :eek: if I accept his offer, it will mean I will go back on my word of not wanting being just friends and keeping this interaction going . That s why I'm confused, I just didn't think it was the right time to say,'dont call me unles you want me back, but did let him know about this 'friendship wasn't for me,if his response tomorrow says something as look I don't feel the same but can still be friends so what's the crisis. That's when I tell him its okay I'l deeal with it myself thanks,also dotn contact me. Also Questions, he didn't flaunt his new gdf in my face,maybe just once, I was asking does he treat me one way and maybe her as a princess.

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Originally Posted by Maggie83

i just dont really know what to do for the best dont wanna be hurt but dont want to close the door completely i do still love her

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That's why in your case,Facebook is good sign,but best to make some nice hot chamomile lemon tea and sleep on it,not acceot her as friends just yet,maybe a day or two. I need to make that same tea also.

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Originally Posted by vivia12

In my case,I was wondring, i had to tell the ex,who broke up w/ me last summer,and who calls and wants to stay friends that I couldnt do it, i finally did that after six months of pretending to be friends while he dated someone else,while I wait for whatever scraps he threw my way basically. I was following the NC rule for almost two months, but broke it several times, responding to his 'where are you,what happened to you' inquiring calls by emailing letting him know i'm doing fine and wishing him Joyful Holiday season(,which i really didnt mean, lthe lesser of two evils) . I was trying to avoid his calls,yes i'm chicken i shouldve told him not to call but do you actually announce NC? The thing he said something real hurtful the last time we interacted that made me realize to stay away from him. Now that i left him alone that made him more curious, which was not my intention,i just wasnt there waiting for his scraps anymore and having false hope.. he'd send mix msgs flirting with me acting like he wants me but then he's avoid me,giving me the cold shoulder. This went on for 6 months. i was doing great on partial NC it seems but now that i finally gave him spoke to him not to long ago, the pain restarted again and i finally told him i couldnt be friends,i'm not ready its not working for me. Did anyone had to do this? is it the right thing? I still want him back,help.

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I have not had to do that; but you have to do what works for you; if you cannot be friends with your ex at this time that is fine; maybe friendship will come with time; if not that's okay too. Your feelings are your feelings

vivia -

Clean out your pm list honey... unless you don't want to receive any more pms

Saw the ex on the train today and chatted, got to work (we work next to eachother) and there was a text ''nice to see you today, sorry things didn't work out between us I hope we can eventually be friends''

I replied Sorry but no, that's not going to happen, please don't contact me again unless you change your mind about us

This is the third time I've told her no to friendship, I'm also going to reject her Facebook request

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Originally Posted by Maggie83

saw the ex on the train today and chatted, got to work (we work next to eachother) and there was a text ''nice to see you today, sorry things didnt work out between us i hope we can eventually be friends''

i replied Sorry but no, thats not gonna happen, please dont contact me again unless you change your mind about us

This is the third time ive told her no to friendship, im also gonna reject her facebook request

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Well done!! That is the perfect response. You must now stick to NC. If she comes back and says she wants to try again, you can decide what to do, if not, well you are moving on anyway!

Yeah I've been trying to do that, I've been trying no contact for about 6 weeks and she broke it with a chain text on new year, then I saw her on the train, I broke it by texting her my new number and she added me on Facebook!

She really is trying to push the friends thing and I'm sick of it... this will be there third time I've told her no, she even admitted herself you can't do the friends thing! What is all that about!

To be honest, I don't think she will be back... shes moved on, it about time I stopped wasting my time on her

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Originally Posted by Maggie83

Yeah ive been trying to do that, ive been trying no contact for about 6 weeks and she broke it with a chain text on new year, then i saw her on the train, i broke it by texting her my new number and she added me on facebook!!

She really is trying to push the friends thing and im sick of it...this will be ther third time ive told her no, she even admitted herself you can't do the friends thing!! What is all that about!

to be honest, i dont think she will be back...shes moved on, it about time i stopped wasting my time on her

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Take time for yourself. See friends you haven't seen so much recently, get a new hobbie, do stuff you have been putting off, book a holiday etc You will then be focused on you and not her so much.