Sorry Chicago, the writing is on the wall. She will not divorce him, what don't you understand about that. What goes on with her husband and her is there business. It could be 20 years of going together, that means nothing. She is committed to someone else. She has the best of both worlds. What makes you think if you were married to this wonderful woman as you say she is she wouldn't cheat on you. So continue this relationship with this ex girlfriend and see where it gets you, nowhere. YOU are putting your life on hold for something that isn't going to happen. She has made it clear, she isn't divorcing him. Sorry, but sometimes the truth hurts, and we all learn from it.

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Originally Posted by sully123

Sorry Chicago, the writing is on the wall. She will not divorce him, what don't you understand about that. What goes on with her husband and her is there business. It could be 20 years of going together, that means nothing. She is committed to someone else. She has the best of both worlds. What makes you think if you were married to this wonderful woman as you say she is she wouldn't cheat on you. So continue this relationship with this ex girlfriend and see where it gets you, nowhere. YOU are putting your life on hold for something that isn't going to happen. She has made it clear, she isn't divorcing him. Sorry, but sometimes the truth hurts, and we all learn from it.

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Call it intuition, heart, knowing someone better than their spouse does. Ever since we fell apart due to me, my life has sucked. Empty. Tried... in grad. School. Didn't happen. So my life isn't on hold because it wasn't goin' anywhere anyway.

Consider this: She and I'd be married if I hadn't screwed up. I don't believe God gives one just one chance to be with that person. ( And for me (as screwed up as you think it is) there is no one else. She said it best by saying she'd never been in such a deep loving rel'tp as this. ) She's not happy and has never really has been truly happy and in love with this guy. Never stopped thinkin' about me (still has photos etc.). She prays for some intervention in her life and I show up. Crazy? She said kissing was unlikely, she did it. She said staying over was unlikely, she did it, she said vacation was unlikely she did it. Is it too far of stretch to think that her "unlikely" she can "get a divorce" will turn into likely. Or maybe his counselor will break through to him that it's not a real marriage and he should leave. Hell, it's not even consummated. Torment continues. Please some good news? :)

Has it ever occurred to you that she is not telling you the truth?

If we are all making guesses at her motivation, why not include the possibility that she doesn't want a divorce, and wants you on the side, and if she tells you the truth, you wouldn't stick around?

What makes you think that she loves you. She has told you she won't divorce him. Her husband won't divorce her. Both of them are in counselling. Why go to all that trouble if you aren't trying to save your marriage. I know you seem to think otherwise, that she is in counselling to ease her guilt and find a good reason to leave her husband, but she hasn't done that. Perhaps she is re-thinking her commitment to her husband and trying to find common ground.

Don't you think it is a bit of a coincidence, and possibly a lie, that he isn't trying? Isn't it also a coincidence that BOTH of them are in counselling over the same issue?

If she were as miserable as she tells you she is, and not in love with her husband, and sees no alternative but divorce, why hasn't it happened. Maybe the truth is that the marriage is not that far gone that it can't be repaired, and if she were to tell you that, she'd lose you.

You have only the facts of a person who is cheating on their husband. Why would she lie about him and cheat, and not do the same to you. Keep you both on the hook. You have nothing to prove her stories as truthful, and you have no personal knowledge of her husband's motivation, or even what kind of man he is for that matter. All you know comes from her, and she's painting the worst possible picture of him, to keep you on the hook.

They cannot repair their marriage if you don't realize that you are not welcome there. She doesn't get it obviously, but you should. You are wasting your time with a married woman who is probably lying to you about her 'issues', and who is cheating on her husband. How stellar can her character be.

I think you are getting suckered, and you cannot see what is going on here. You're sucked in by the lies and deceipt of a cheating woman who has no intention of divorcing her husband. Your integrity is compromised because you are blind to the truth in my opinion.

It is a toxic three-way relationship, and the only one getting any satisfaction, is her.

I would start asking myself, why won't she divorce her husband if she loves me so much? Maybe that will give you your answer.

You said you blew it back years ago.You said she got married because she didn't hear back from you ( which is very cocky). She is married now. You need to try to find your own woman, not someone else's. You say he does this, he doesn't do that, that is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. What happens in their home is their concern. She is cheating on her husband, and should be ashamed of herself.

Let me ask you this: If you were married, and someone like... YOU came along and started an affair with YOUR wife, trying to get HER to leave YOU, how would that make YOU feel?

This world is full of available women, go find one without a husband. You don't live on Gilligan's island.

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Originally Posted by chicago95

Hi:

Very complicated story so very brief. Ex-girlfriend whom I dated for 4 years in college and should've married. We were set, but I messed it up (not sexually, just stupid stuff like picking on her)--I hadn't really matured then. Went to grad. schools and lost touch but I never stopped thinking over. She got married as she didn't hear from me and thought unresolvable differences. Now, 6 years later, she admits she doesn't wanna spend the rest of her life with a guy 15 years her senior. Never loved him and still doesn't. BUT, doesn't want to be the divorcer. Husband doesn't believe in divorce...except for adultery. Knows of affair, but she hasn't told him details. This is husband's 2nd wife (first wife had affair and divorced him) and he married only for companionship. Marriage counseling: Failed as husband not interested. Affair keeps going on with no end. Says we'll be together...she's even going to counseling to get help to get out. Q is this: If I end it how likely is she to realize how much she misses me and divorces him? Or is it unlikely? Can't go forward, can't go back. Stuck. She's the one.

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Call it intuition, heart, knowing someone better than their spouse does. Ever since we fell apart due to me, my life has sucked. Empty. Tried... in grad. School. Didn't happen. So my life isn't on hold because it wasn't goin' anywhere anyway.

Consider this: She and I'd be married if I hadn't screwed up. I don't believe God gives one just one chance to be with that person. ( And for me (as screwed up as you think it is) there is no one else. She said it best by saying she'd never been in such a deep loving rel'tp as this. ) She's not happy and has never really has been truly happy and in love with this guy. Never stopped thinkin' about me (still has photos etc.). She prays for some intervention in her life and I show up. Crazy? She said kissing was unlikely, she did it. She said staying over was unlikely, she did it, she said vacation was unlikely she did it. Is it too far of stretch to think that her "unlikely" she can "get a divorce" will turn into likely. Or maybe his counselor will break through to him that it's not a real marriage and he should leave. Hell, it's not even consummated. Torment continues. Please some good news?

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Originally Posted by chicago95

Wow! That's something I never really considered. When I ask her if she loves him, she says no. Do you wanna spend the rest of your life with him? No. She and I are even seeing counselors/pscyh 'cuz she feels this is happening for a reason and wants to know what's holding her back and mine has told me to keep seeing her, that her issues are workable, that it's apparent she loves me and were it not for that, it might be hopeless. Guess love conquers all? But a real Q is this. Her dysfunctional husband is also seeing a counselor...she doesn't know why nor has asked (they talk very little). Might he be trying to cope or try to justify getting a divorce as he has told her he doesn't believe in divorce but also stated adultery is grounds for divorce. Can't help but think if she really told him what was going on, he wouldn't be so understanding. But she doesn't want to be the adulterer...even though she already is. Thoughts?

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Dude, sorry to break it to you but anyone can say they love someone, if they really mean it, they ll show it by their actions. She made a vow, that only death would do them part. She ll have lots of different feelings even if she does love you.

Feelings of guilt for leaving her husband, feeling of pity and stays with him while cheating on him with you. Personally this is too complicated for me to be in a situation like this. If she really loves you, I would honestly think she wouldn't still be married and have a divorce already.

Sometimes people just don't want to make a rash decision so they will regret later. That's what I think is going through her mind now. Things aren't always so perfect or greener on the other side. If she is having this doubt, I would want someone that would never doubt me.

Just my opinions.

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Originally Posted by none12345

Dude, sorry to break it to you but anyone can say they love someone, if they really mean it, they ll show it by their actions. She made a vow, that only death would do them part. She ll have lots of different feelings even if she does love you.

Feelings of guilt for leaving her husband, feeling of pity and stays with him while cheating on him with you. Personally this is too complicated for me to be in a situation like this. If she really loves you, i would honestly think she wouldnt still be married and have a divorce already.

Sometimes people just dont want to make a rash decision so they will regret later. Thats what i think is going through her mind now. Things arent always so perfect or greener on the other side. If she is having this doubt, i would want someone that would never doubt me.

Just my opinions.

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Finally! Some encouragement. Yes, she's always been very slow in making decisions. Had to consult with a counselor on whether to leave her past jobs. This is why she's seeking a counselor (not marriage) so that she's good with her decision when she makes it. Crazy and complicated I know. I'm wondering if you could reply to my add-on post (see above)

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Originally Posted by chicago95

Call it intuition, heart, knowing someone better than their spouse does. Ever since we fell apart due to me, my life has sucked. Empty. Tried...in grad. school. Didn't happen. So my life isn't on hold because it wasn't goin' anywhere anyway.

Consider this: She and I'd be married if I hadn't screwed up. I don't believe God gives one just one chance to be with that person. ( And for me (as screwed up as you think it is) there is no one else. She said it best by saying she'd never been in such a deep loving rel'tp as this. ) She's not happy and has never really has been truely happy and in love with this guy. Never stopped thinkin' about me (still has photos etc.). She prays for some intervention in her life and I show up. Crazy? She said kissing was unlikely, she did it. She said staying over was unlikely, she did it, she said vacation was unlikely she did it. Is it too far of stretch to think that her "unlikely" she can "get a divorce" will turn into likely. Or maybe his counselor will break through to him that it's not a real marriage and he should leave. Hell, it's not even consumated. Torment continues. Please some good news?

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If this is the add-on post you are mentioning about here's what I think.

There is some good news but it might not be the good news you want to hear.

The good news is you can get your life back on track and get somewhere in life. You will end up with a girl, whether its her or not. The good news is torment does not have to continue if this doesn't continue.

Anyway back on track. Sounds like she is definitely hesitant on her decision. If she wasn't, she would have a divorce already. As for him leaving her, don't count on it. Even if he does, wouldn't you feel you are the back up? She doesn't have him anymore so she can be with you? She couldn't leave him by herself to be with you.

You said your life isn't on hold because its not going anywhere. That is not true. Trust me, I know what you feel. A love triangle. In the end, I couldn't do it anymore because no one is going anywhere. I gave her up to the other guy. She was just another confused girl, not knowing what she wants, and it wasn't worth it. I want someone that is not confused and loves only me.

Wouldn't you agree with me, if you had a girl that loves you and not married to another guy, you would be doing so much more amazing things in life instead of being in this situation where your life is not going anywhere? You are waiting for an answer for her, what if you never get that answer?

You ll be waiting your whole life and your whole life would be on hold. Your life isn't going anywhere is because you don't have the motivation to get it somewhere or you need to have an answer first from her.

Sorry Chicago, its excuse after excuse. Oh, she's seeking counseling not for her marriage, for her past jobs. I thought she wanted to get out of this so called mess she is in. Well to me if she was sooo determined to be with you, she would be seeking counseling how to get out of her so called loveless marriage. Don't see that happening. Your smarter than that, sorry she is playing you for a fool. By the way, everyone of us are on the same track, and were trying to help you, and your still going backwards, falling for this stuff. You have to get with the program, she has no intentions of leaving her husband... I don't know what is so hard about understanding that and building your life with someone that is normal with no attachments.

[QUOTE=none12345;1912077]If this is the add-on post you are mentioning about here's what I think.

Anyway back on track. Sounds like she is definitely hesitant on her decision. If she wasn't, she would have a divorce already. As for him leaving her, don't count on it. Even if he does, wouldn't you feel you are the back up? She doesn't have him anymore so she can be with you? She couldn't leave him by herself to be with you.

You said your life isn't on hold because its not going anywhere. That is not true. Trust me, I know what you feel. A love triangle. In the end, I couldn't do it anymore because no one is going anywhere. I gave her up to the other guy. She was just another confused girl, not knowing what she wants, and it wasn't worth it. I want someone that is not confused and loves only me.

Wouldn't you agree with me, if you had a girl that loves you and not married to another guy, you would be doing so much more amazing things in life instead of being in this situation where your life is not going anywhere? You are waiting for an answer for her, what if you never get that answer?

Thank you. How long did your love triangle last? Ccan't help think my sit. Is different. I know of other past gf's who are married and I'm not nor would ever consider calling them. She was different from the start. She felt it too. I broke her heart back then though. So naturally she is hesitant. She's always reminded me that she's kept her word to me "that I'll meet her parents again...your times coming." Yes I'd love to be doing many things with her (already have vacationed with her, etc). If she hadn't offered up she wasn't happily married it would not have happened. Aren't the gifts that she's accepted, meeting my parents again, etc... those are commitments too? My therapist tells me she far tighter bond to me than him knowing that she doesn't feel spiritually, sexually, or emotionally connected to him are good signs that these issues can be resolved and she can divorce... but it has to her decision. I will never view myself as a back up for her. It is her husband who I think is feeling used as he's not seeking m. counseling but general counseling to figure all this out. That's why I ask perhaps he's trying to rationalize in his beliefs it's okay to divorce her under these circumstances.

We can't read her mind and therefore can't predict how she might react or what she might do. But we can tell you this, and that is that this is not a good situation for you to be in. She's married, plain and simple, and married women are off-limits. Why she married him, his age, what happened during his first marriage, why he married her, what happened between you when you were together, etc. etc. are all irrelevant details. You need to wash your hands of this situation and move on with your life. Find a nice, single girl to date.

Why do you think her husband is being used? It's the other way around, your being used. She is still with her husband. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT BEING IN HER BUSINESS... what are you gaining from this so called love scenario? A bunch of hurt in the long run. It's like a waiting game, its like you have blinders on. I just wondered how you would feel if you were married and you found out your wife was cheating? Nothing good will come out of this, I can promise you that much. It seems like your looking for someone to agree with you on this point, and that's not going to happen on this site. She is off limits..

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results

How many times are you going to ask the same question, and get the same answers and still ask that question again, and again??

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results

How many times are you going to ask the same question, and get the same answers and still ask that question again, and again???????

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I had to spread the rep Tal. but great research. This seems more like an obsession now. They've made movies, over and over again, about this same scenario. I think we all know how most of them end up in those movies. Someone ends up in jail. I'm not saying that this is one of THOSE cases, but why keep on, and on, and on?

I know if someone was chasing MY wife like this , well...

I'd hope for a good jury.

Obviously the OP isn't going to take off the "rose colored glasses" and step into reality.

He doesn't like the answers he gets, which are all mostly the same, and are realistic and reasonable.

She's using you, she's not going to leave her husband. Move on or continue to be hurt and ruin someone's marriage.

Another question. If you and her had been dating for two years... why hasn't she left her husband yet? Why wouldn't her husband leave her yet?

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Originally Posted by jmjoseph

I had to spread the rep Tal. , but great research. This seems more like an obsession now. They've made movies, over and over again, about this same scenario. I think we all know how most of them end up in those movies. Someone ends up in jail. I'm not saying that this is one of THOSE cases, but why keep on, and on, and on?

I know if someone was chasing MY wife like this , well...........

I'd hope for a good jury.

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FYI, she returned my call at first and since then has been most of the pursuing. AND her husband IS aware... but not aware of all that is going on. It's that inaction on his part that she wishes would change so she doesn't have initiate the divorce. But she just may and so that's why she's goin' go counselor (non-marry) so she's confident in her decision. Divorce is a big thing for her and to trust someone who broke her heart... well you get the point.

How do you know she's not seeing a marriage counselor and so is he? To try and repair the mess that you made?

LEAVE HER ALONE. Let her go and if she comes back to you, it was meant to be.

You're already showing us signs of obsessive behavior. Imagine that she knew this about you. It will freak her out.

Take a few steps back and reflect on your actions first before you push forward.

Keep in mind that she's a married woman nor matter how many angles you look at it.

I'm not sure if you want our justification for you to break up a marriage or what, but that's definitely not the way to go about it.