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I am afraid that he might be really gone this time...

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And this is at the bottom of all your fears. You need to recognise that after all the bad stuff he puts you through, you still cling to him like junkie on dope. You willingness to wait to see if he can be happy with another is degrading, disgusting, and unhealthy. The fact you wait for an outcome is... beyond stupid. If you don't have the esteem to look out for yourself then you need more help than you can get here and hope you do. Close this chapter in your life and move on. There can be nothing good in even considering taking him back. Dumb idea.

It is a shame that we must suffer such sadness after a breakup. They say time heals... It is really difficult sometimes. Some days are better than others... but the bad days can definitely be BAD! 2 weeks, NC contact. It has been really tough at times, and I have fought myself from going to him. A bad relationship that needed to end, I guess. But it still hurts. Can't wait till I am finally over it!

OK you summed it up near the end
A bad relationship that needed to end. Truly I'm sorry to hear that is where you've just come from it really sucks when things hurt but the real secret here is to somehow distance yourself from your pain and realise that this situation where you are right now was inevitable

Look to the future, imagine what it holds for you
Almost anything you want is possible in this life this universe
Start thinking about what you want in a future relationship and see how that feels by comparison to how you feel now...

By the way this is guy logic here so I might be out of order with what I'm saying, I just hope to be somehow helpful!

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Originally Posted by HurtingALot

It is a shame that we must suffer such sadness after a breakup. They say time heals....It is really difficult sometimes. Some days are better than others...but the bad days can definitely be BAD! 2 weeks, NC contact. It has been really tough at times, and I have fought myself from going to him. A bad relationship that needed to end, I guess. But it still hurts. Can't wait till I am finally over it!!

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Just because the relationship was bad doesn't make it any less difficult when it's over. I feel for you. Before I met my dream man (who still isn't perfect by any stretch but worth the effort) I had a lot of bad relationships. It was hard. I remember one particular time I was driving away from my boyfriends house after he broke up with me. The reason he broke up with me was he thought I wasn't all that I had made myself out to be. (?? ) I still don't get that statement. But anyway, he told me he had been cheating on me and I wasn't even worth him taking the time to tell me he didn't want to be with me. He was harsh and there was no reason for it. I'm a decent person and did nothing but adore him. Anyway, as I'm driving away, tears pouring from eyes, I see a bridge abuttment and all I can think is speeding head-on right into it. Obviously I decided against it and I am so glad I did. That heartache was totally worth it when I see now what I got out of it. I'll never know what really happened in his mind to end our relationship and be so cruel about it. But I learned a lot, gained some perspective and matured a little more. Everything that we go through in life shapes us into the person that we will one day be. Sometimes it's all roses and fireworks and sometimes it SUCKS! If you didn't have your heart broken would you appreciate the next love in the same way? Would you appreciate happiness and good times? When you've cried for a long time doesn't it feel better than ever to smile?

Good luck! I'm sure you'll be just fine, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and silver lining around every dark cloud.

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Originally Posted by cely05819

Just because the relationship was bad doesn't make it any less difficult when it's over. I feel for you. Before I met my dream man (who still isn't perfect by any stretch but worth the effort) I had a lot of bad relationships. It was hard. I remember one particular time I was driving away from my boyfriends house after he broke up with me. The reason he broke up with me was he thought I wasn't all that I had made myself out to be. (???) I still don't get that statement. But anyway, he told me he had been cheating on me and I wasn't even worth him taking the time to tell me he didn't want to be with me. He was harsh and there was no reason for it. I'm a decent person and did nothing but adore him. Anyway, as I'm driving away, tears pouring from eyes, I see a bridge abuttment and all I can think is speeding head-on right into it. Obviously I decided against it and I am so glad I did. That heartache was totally worth it when I see now what I got out of it. I'll never know what really happened in his mind to end our relationship and be so cruel about it. But I learned alot, gained some perspective and matured a little more. Everything that we go through in life shapes us into the person that we will one day be. Sometimes it's all roses and fireworks and sometimes it SUCKS! If you didn't have your heart broken would you appreciate the next love in the same way? Would you appreciate happiness and good times? When you've cried for a long time doesn't it feel better than ever to smile?

Good luck! I'm sure you'll be just fine, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and silver lining around every dark cloud.

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Cely if he was cheating on you whatever his reason to break up was just a crappy excuse to get out of the relationship anyway, glad to hear you met your dream man!!

Sometimes it feels like the misery will last forever. The good times come... and I pray that they stay... but the sadness returns. I can't wait to feel "normal" again.

You know what the best thing to do is right now for you? Keep yourself busy
Double book with friends if you have to get busy busy busy
Socialise, go out meet new people don't get too close give yourself a few months solo to explore how you feel.. try not to let the negative outweigh the positive because whatever you focus most on in life tends to manifest itself into your reality, which is quite an exciting thought when you consider it it means basically anything you want in the entire universe you can have, make sure you spend some time with family too, if these things don't work try some things in life you never maybe considered before I don't know learn to knit, or play a computer game or xbox or go for a drive to some area (hopefully a safe area! ) that you haven't checked out before, explore grow and develop your senses, indulge them try all the new foods in the world you can bet you never tasted every flavour of icecream ever made, just some examples for you... see if trying some of that doesn't change things, let me know how you went.. and by the way sorry for jumping on your post earlier without any info for you personally that was kind of rude eh? I was in a bit of a hurry... hopefully something useful came of this this time around!!

Hurting a lot... I feel just the same! I see people and try talking to them but nothing is like the ex, despite how they treated me, which is why I always ended up going back. I can't believe she left me and I remember ALL the times together and it's so hard to believe we couldn't work things out. Remembering the discussions face to face and all the effort and seeing her face, it's killing me!! Always trying for her and surprising her to keep her happy but it was too late I guess... It's so hard to believe this will happen again with someone else. I don't believe it. I'm just letting you know that I'm here with you still. Last week I thought I was fine, but today it came back strong. I want to stop thinking about her, since she isn't coming back. But we should be okay... ::Cries::

Lifes too short to worry. Go drive in your car with your best friend, with the windows down, hair in the wind, listening to loud MUSIC AND SINGING :p Sing your heart out and enjoy the Summer!! :P WOOP WOOP

Let's look at it this way... Your karma with that person was over... u know all of us are travelling in a train and that train is Life. A person hops in at one station, sits beside us, we talk and have a great time or the bad time and then his/her station comes, he hops out of train... so till that period, we enjoyed with the person, and the train moves on... if you look at it this way, self realization will soon come and you'll be glad you've been enriched with a certain experience to make you a better person. Do not hold on to people or things, they are tangible, will go away... so be strong,love, smile and move on... that's my theory which gives me strength... hope it gives you strength too.

So it's been a while since I've posted... thought I was making some progress... (Maybe I actually have... ) But spoke with the ex this weekend. (I called but didn't leave a message... he called back... twice... ) He confirmed that he isn't dating anyone... and that he doesn't know if he's happy or not. I asked for him to "fix us"... and he said it wouldn't be the same... I said, No... it can't be the same, it needs to be different... it wasn't all that great! He agreed. We left it that he might call me again... he was going out with his friend and didn't know when he'd be home... I know I should just move past this guy... But I can't help but wonder why he called... (once to return my call... ok... but the second time?) Does he think he made a mistake? Is he missing me? What do I do now? Do I go to him to try to talk again? He knows I want to make this work...

Can you see what calling him did to you? It's set you back months and in doing that it's made you hurt and sad all over again. If he was really missing you he'd have called before now. I dare say he rang back out of curiosity, but I can guarantee you one thing, bet he's feeling pretty good now!
Don't keep boosting his ego, look forward, walk slowly and happiness could be just around the corner with someone who deserves you! X

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Originally Posted by kay13

Don't keep boosting his ego, look forward, walk slowly and happiness could be just around the corner with someone who deserves you! x

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This is an extremely important point made here. Sadly, this is something I did in the first couple of weeks after the breakup, ran after something that was gone and inflating her ego even more. What did it do for me?

Caused me more pain and heartache and confusion.

9 Months on and I can tell you hand on heart, time does heal albeit it is more of a matter of months rather than weeks I'm afraid. You never forget though, you heal but your heart carries a memory.

How can your heart heal if a memory remains?

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Originally Posted by diya

Let's look at it this way...Your karma with that person was over...u know all of us are travelling in a train and that train is Life. A person hops in at one station, sits beside us, we talk and have a great time or the bad time and then his/her station comes, he hops outta train....so till that period, we enjoyed with the person, and the train moves on...if you look at it this way, self realization will soon come and you'll be glad you've been enriched with a certain experience to make you a better person. Do not hold on to people or things, they are tangible, will go away...so be strong,love, smile and move on.....that's my theory which gives me strength.....hope it gives u strength too.

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I really agree with your perspective on life and relationships. I think maybe it was the analogy of us hopping on a different station in this place called life. It is so true, the time spent stays with you and it does make you better, if you let it. It is so tough to let go of people, more than things, because of the intimacy of just looking at someone in their eyes or feeling their energy being next to them. It is so hard to lose that, yet your theory gives me strength to smile, and continue to be open to love. Hard as it may be...

In response to your sadness, the train will keep going and you will have many more travelers come your way. They will be just as meaningful for even if they are with you for a brief time. Take from each one a sense of evolving and growing to the being the greatest person you can visualize. They were and are your teachers, whether you lose them by breaking up, or in death. We have to learn from the ones we lose, that is how we give it meaning and purpose and we have the strength to go on.

What if ex doesn't let you move on. I feel like I'm taking leaps backward now then from 4 months ago.

This is where the detachment comes in. Move on to fulfill your life with friends and family who do want to be part of your life. Sometimes unfulfilling relationships are just a matter of timing and heavy responsibilities. Sometimes the past obscures the possibilities for the present. Move on. Don't harden your heart if feelings are not mutual, but do free yourself from trying to earn the caring that should be a gift... Spread love and care to people who need you... and not to those who do not need you... right?

After a break up it is rough, but being selfish and serious about doing things you love, and being busy is the best way to move on. Time heals us, and being happy and forgetting the ex, is what stops confusion, and helps to move on. Not contacting them, or letting them contact you, may be selfish and rude, but its about you getting healthy, and getting your life back, not getting back with them. The sooner you can move on, the better you feel and the sooner you can enjoy your life. Look out for, and love yourself. DON"T BE STUCK ON STUPID!!!!

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

How can your heart heal if a memory remains?

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I guess it was just a figure of speech but you know, you can heal but I think there is always a scar there. Hard to explain, you don't forget but at the same time, you feel more healthy, more free. You don't need to forget, although it depends on the memory but bad experiences can be used as a learning tool.

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

How can your heart heal if a memory remains?

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Memory is a part of thought process and we are constantly thinking, so idealistically you will never forget just the way you would have fallen down in your childhood and got hurt... the scar remains not the wound, right! So as you grow, heart and wounds will heal... it's a process and will follow on its own... only if you take care of yourself... and let nature take its own course... close your eyes... and say" please forgive those who have hurt me and help me others forgive me..." say this aloud 3 times daily for a week... see what happens... it works.

Update?

See, what I believe is "what happens in life happens for some reasons" .If that relationship is broken down then it means you deserve someone better than him.
Forget it and engage yourself with some other activities.
Enjoy the life.
The person who has gone you cannot call him back, let him go away .
Life is a test innings and not a one day cricket match .
Life is a long journey.

I can honestly say I haven't had as many experiences in my life since my ex broke up with me. Seriously she's missing out and I am not that bothered. Go on holiday, go new places, book some festivals, seriously because Ive had so many experiences with other people and I've traveled about and kept myself busy I am finally starting to get over it. She no longer consumes my thoughts every minute of the day. More like brief glances back when I am alone or not doing anything.

So the key is to keep busy and experiencing FUN fun things.

Ok... so here's the update. After 2 1/2 weeks of NC, I called him... No response. Thought it was definitely over... and I was suffering, but I guess I "began" healing... Even went out on a casual date (awful... my heart was definitely not in the right place... ) About a week and a half ago, I called one more time... didn't get him, and I didn't leave a message. But lo and behold... he called back... Twice. We spoke briefly... and even met the following week, briefly. No real resolution to our situation... and I was still suffering. After a phone conversation last Monday night, I decided that it was truly time to let this go. Thought he just wasn't into me anymore... and that I had seriously began wasting my time. SO... On Tuesday morning... I had decided that it was over FOR ME. (And I actually felt OK with this... ) Then the phone calls start coming... He calls about 10 times on Tuesday... I spoke with him BRIEFLY... and told him Goodbye and Good Luck to You. Tuesday night, he calls another 4 times... and when he doesn't reach me... he shows up at my house to talk. This story is long enough and I won't bore you with the details... but he says he doesn't want to let me go... He had a lot going on and needed some time to sort things out... blah... blah... Has gone out a few times with friends... no dates... not interested in anyone but me. We decide to try a lighter side of dating... Nobody dates anyone else... but not a crazy BF/GF commitment like before... just see what happens. So that's where we're at. But here's the thing... I'm not even certain that I want this so much anymore. He is still as selfish as ever... although he doesn't speak to me abusively anymore (or yet... anyway... ) I am just thinking that maybe he's just not that great after all! After all that drama!! Tal said in a post once, something to the effect of "we sometimes chase so much after what we want....that in the end we're not even sure what it is that we are getting...." This is so true! I got him back... he came back to me when he thought I was really done with him. Great... now what?! Maybe it was supposed to happen this way so that I could finally be finished with him without all the heartbreak... I'm not sure where I'm going to go from here... or how the story ends... but that's where I'm at right now. Tal... I'd love for you to let me know your thoughts... but please be nice! I'm still sensitive!!

No thoughts on my update? I would love some input! So many people have helped so much on this board... I really respect and value your opinions...

I totally know what you mean. Sometimes when you get what you wanted, it's like you don't want it so much anymore. I guess the whole, keep a woman guessing is true... lol Now he wants back and you know it so it's not the same anymore. Or it could just be you realize it's not all too grand anymore. I have hoping to feel this way also someday. Where if she comes back, I wouldn't want her... I'm pretty sure it would be that way too. I feel happy today... I have no idea why. I guess because I cried and thought so much of it yesterday and the good wise words from the people in this have helped. Good luck. And remember to not just jump in... It seems like you have the upper hand now. Keep pulling a little. Don't be quick to respond to his every need. Once again Good Luck and stay strong!

Thanks Emo! It is so good to have found people that we can share our "stuff" with... the good, bad and the ugly! It is so helpful! As far as my relationship goes... I'm definitely not so sure about having the upper hand at this point... (although it would be nice! ) I guess I'm going to try to just ride the wave and see what happens... while trying to not get in too deep and get hurt all over again. Maybe I'll meet someone else and get the heck out of this drama once and for all! We shall see!

One way to look at it is now that he wants you back you are in control now. I would go out with other guys and keep him on the back burner. If you can't handle it or find someone better you can always go back to him. But I think you'll find someone better. I know this sound selfish to do this but he didn't care about you when he broke up with you. But what ever you do follow your heart and think about your future with him. It may happen again and again, like my ex does with me?

Sooner or later you'll have enough of the misery and pain, and decide for yourself that you would rather be happy. That goes for you both. (emo, hurt)

So Tal... /.in not so many words, you think I'm nuts for getting back with him? I am really not sure what to do here.

The fact that your not sure means, you need time for yourself and your own life and needs, before you need a relationship. Have you ever thought of making yourself happy??

I guess I need to figure out how to do that... I got very used to putting someone else's needs before mine. Tal... again you are right... a little BLUNT for my taste... but still right! I have some personal work to do... Maybe things will become a little more clear for me with some time and work for myself!

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a little BLUNT for my taste...

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Meaning what exactly??

I know what you mean. They do say time heals... but you never forget. Sure the pain goes away, but the memory is forever engraved. I am going through a similar situation. Come to find out that the guy I was with for 1 year was leading a double life. He had been sleeping with his ex wife the whole time and lying to both of us throughout. The funny thing... I never even knew he was married before. We had talked about marriage even to the point that he flew with me to meet my parents who live in another state. So if time heals all... how do you forget such a betrayel?

It can be hard to "get over" a person, because hey, its an entire person!
But, if a relationship is hurting you, and you feel that that person is hurting you, it needs to end, or be fixed.
Every time you get rejected, or dumped, or break up, that's one relationship closer to the final one, the one in which you will fall in love completely, so look at it this way, you've narrowed it down, you've thrown back one of the fish in the sea, and it isn't going to bite you again, unless you want it to, maybe, the next fish will be better, but even if its not, that good fish is out there, waiting for your bait.

Hello everyone... I am back after a while. (I have been reading... just not posting. Things were going OK and thought I could give you all a break from my drama! ) Anyway... I am back. THE UPDATE... For those who don't know my story, here it is in a nutshell. Had a relationship with a guy who was pretty much a jerk most of the way through. (9 months.. ) Don't get me wrong, there were good times too... (guess there always are at some level) but the bad far outweighed the good. Of course when he says he wants a break/break-up, I am devastated... and fall to pieces. That's where this board came in and without the daily input from Tal, Geoff, Emo and a list of others, I don't know how I would have made it... (as it was, I think I just barely did.) SO... after about a month, he contacts and says he wants to try again, but differently. (Of course... stupid me) agrees and we get back together. The getting back together bliss was pretty short-lived for me. I was happy to not feel heartbroken anymore, but the relationship (and his behavior) was/is pretty much the way it was before. (SURPRISE... ) Anyway... after a few more fights, I decide this is crazy and start seeing other people. (unbeknownst to him, or at least so I thought.) I know that this was of course wrong of me to do and I should have just ended it with him, but I still am into him (for whatever ridiculous reason) and don't want to let him go just yet. So, this goes on for a couple of weeks and I think that all is going OK. We haven't been seeing too much of each other but this is OK with me since it affords me the opportunity to go out with others without lying to him etc etc. SO... last night, he calls and says he wants to talk about us. Long story short, I find out that he recently met someone else as well and supposedly met up for the first time this past week. He says they had dinner, a peck goodbye and nothing else happened. I think I believe him. He doesn't know if he is going to see her again and assures me that he's not trying to replace me, as I am still his girlfriend (for whatever that's worth... ) We later talked about how I have been seeing other people, and he says he has known, he's not particularly happy about that and therefore, feels justified in seeing this girl himself last week.

He says he doesn't want to totally "end" us... he thinks that we can work something out... But I told him I'm not OK with being with other people if we're really together.

Sorry about the LONG story... I'll get to the point. If I am seeing 2 other people who treat me so much better and there is actual future potential with, why does it kill me to think that he also had a date with someone else? I know deep down that there is no future with this guy. He is a manipulator and can be really mean and verbally abusive... yet after a year, I stay. I also know that I am not being totally fair to the other guys (the good ones) because I am still "stuck on stupid??!!" Why can't I just let this one go? I know he is bad for me, yet I can't seem to say goodbye...

HELP?! Please?! :confused:

You were together for a year... there are feelings still there and you have not taken time off to get over it yet. Its better to break it off with him now as you both aren't really serious and you are only going to drag out this breakup over a longer period. Clean break.

I would end it ASAP. The longer you drag this drama on the longer it's going to take to get over him. You are just wasting time and NOW your emotional heart ache you are going to go through again. I would say your goodbyes then end it.

To be brutally honest (and I hope you won't hate me for this) you don't really want to let go. There's something you're still hanging on to, some hope or desire for a future with him. Your feelings come from an amazing amount of conflict inside yourself. If I had to hazard a guess, I would guess that you don't want to be alone, and in order to be with the new guy you have to let go of the old and that scares you because what if the new guy leaves and then you're alone?

Unfortunately, you can't stay where you are. Relationships require a lot of faith and hard work and trust. You know the old guy isn't what you want, so you have to start taking responsibility for yourself and your desires.

I hope you understand I don't say this to be mean. You have to look inside yourself and think about what it is with the original guy that you want. And whatever it is, is it worth all the other stuff you have to deal with to have it. If not, let him go. Say to yourself, I don't want this, I want something better, something happier, something that satisfies MY NEEDS. Maybe the new guy can give you that, he certainly sounds like he's doing a better job of it already.

Letting go is the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn (and even now I struggle with it.) I see the same issues inside you. Don't let the fear run your life. Choose something better for yourself, even if it's to say to the original guy "Let's make this work, but we need to be better to do so." Take a stand for yourself and what you want. :)