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You need to be single. No one can fill up that hole but you. You need to spend time doing things for yourself. Find out what your hobbies are. Learn about your likes and dislikes. When you feel that need to date or hook up do something else for YOURSELF. Pick up a book, call friends, go to a movie, journal, take a class etc.Quote:
Originally Posted by sfqt33
LOL Are you ducking my question about how long have you been seeing your current counselor or didn't you see it?Quote:
Originally Posted by sfqt33
Sorry, didn't see it 2 years now.
Forgive me here but either fire that counselor or sell me the brooklyn bridge. LOLQuote:
Originally Posted by sfqt33
Far far too long to be appropriate and almost not credible from my experience and I know a great deal about the topic of counseling.
That you are here posting like you are verifies the ineffectiveness of what the two of you are doing. Had you answered something I could trust more as truthful and told me something that indicated the counselor knew what they were doing, I would have also suggested that posting here might not be the best idea when what you need to do is pick up your phone right now and call your counselor. Watering down an effective counselor's work is a real risk you take doing something like posting here.
Get to work on an actual solution and quit fooling around is what I see needed here. No more "yeah buts".
As a sidebar to everyone reading this post: Please, please DO NOT waste your hard earned money or precious time with a counselor who is ineffective like this. They ought to be shot as far as I am concerned. :eek:
Wow, I thought this was a place to get support. I just began working with my counsloer on relationship stuff. I sent most of the time working on my recovery from alcoholism. This stuff just recently came up. I trust my therapist and we have a great relationship. You are very quick to judge without knowing me.
Actually - I think Val is right.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sfqt33
First off, Val nor anyone, knew from your previous posts that you were going to a counsellor for alcoholism. I thought,from your previous posts, that you have been going to this person for relationship problems. Val is not one to tell you to quit someone for no reason at all. Her input is very good and should be taken as such.
I can really appreciate your recovery from alcoholism-- firsthand even. I can see how you might think your codependency is recent but any counselor worth their salt would not. Do you forget that I have read through a number of threads containing quite a few posts of yours?Quote:
Originally Posted by sfqt33
If you don't like what I suggest, please don't take the suggestion. If you are happy with your counselor, then stay. I would clarify that this place is where people look for answers, solutions, ideas that work. Support is a part of it but when its over emphasized or only that, it tends to turn into long threads that go nowhere. You only need to look at the threads by Blueiman to see where that ends too.
To think a solution can be reached without some judgement involved is totally unrealistic. I have no reason to hurt you, and resisting truth is often painful. I know from having done it myself many many times. I have learned to appreciate those who tell it to me even as it hurts in a kind of "shoot the message but not the messenger" kind of way. I can't exactly disown what I know about poor counseling. I made efforts you may not realise trying to put it in a way that was palatable for you too because I thought AND STILL DO think you were/are worth it! Please notice that I made more of a harsh judgement on a counselor I have never met than you. I do so on the basis of having met and known enough counselors -- good and bad -- to make the sort of distinctions as I have here.
If you don't want to trust that or me, I understand... I really do. No hard feelings about it. But it does work that you cannot ask for help, and then not trust the help, and still expect to end up helped... and that dilemma has plagued you for some time. In recovery terms, its Step One.
You sound like you want people to tell you what you want to hear. Not the truth.
I think your consellor does that and that is why you think he / she is so good.
And when someone here offers advice (that you asked for mind you) that youn don't want to hear you get a little defensive.
Could this be true?
Just a question you can answer in you own head. You don't have to post a response...
My opinion, and that's all it is, is that you need a new consellor to solve some of these problems. After 2 years you should be making progress one would think. And some of the thoughts I see you share in your posts don't indicate progress.
You sound like you are looking for excuses go back to something that didn't work or find something new that Won't work to fill a hole in your life.
IMO a good consellor would have completely dealt with that issue by now one would have thought.
If you have been in counseling for 2 years then you have some understanding of how you work, or should. If your in a 12 step program I know for a fact they tell you to stay out of any new relationships because you need to focus on your recovery. They also will tell you two sick people never can make it together and that, you had better believe. So either your counselor, ain't worth the money or you're not living up to the things you should be doing to be healthy. Since you have no sponsor, I can only guess that your not doing the things that you shouldbe doing, that I'm sure, have been laid out to you. That's why you have a hole in your soul and are so confused about yourself. Leave the excuses to those that don't know any better, and do as your told to heal and move on.
Hang out and yuk it up with your friends! I'm surprised nobody has said anything about that. How about the rest of your family?
Surround yourself with family, good friends, take up a new hobby, visit a place where no one knows you and make new friends there,. see where I am going with this, as well as velvetjones?
Having a relationship to 'fill a gap' isn't healthy; just because you aren't with someone, doesn't make you a horrible person. Find something new to keep you occupied! :)
Hi everyone,
I'm back to say hello to you all. Surprising or not I still find myself struggling with getting over my ex after two years ago. I've been busy with my life, trying to date, but I still seem to still have an intense connection with my ex. We have been e-mailing each other practically every other day. Checking in with each other. She's in another relationship and has been for a year now. She claims to be "happy" but, I wonder why she is still keeping in contact with me. She tells me about what her and her partner are doing and I try not to react. But honestly, I still hurt. I went by her job last week to say hi. She was super excited to see me and our visit went well. She looked so good to me. I just wanted to jump out of my car and shake her into telling me she still cares about me, but... it NEVER comes out of her mouth. It's so frustrating because I know she still loves me but, will never tell me. I asked her once, " Do you miss me at all, ever". She said " I miss alot of things".
It's not like I'm waiting around for her, but it is difficult to connect with someone else when I'm feeling this strong connection with her. I know, I know... stop contacting her. It's really hard and I appreciate your advise.
Sure sounds like you're waiting around for a girl who has been in a relationship for over a year and a half... I hate to break it to you but if this is a test of will power between the two of you, you'll lose... And if isn't, then you're a back up plan and do you really want to be that?
Like you said, take a hike all ready! However, if you want and need to vent, feel free!
So, basically what your saying is she's probably keeping me on the back burner? Why does she seem so interested in my life?
She is keeping in contact with you because your letting her!
She knows you still have feelings for her and she likes it. She likes to knows she has power over you and controls you. Because she does!
C'mon man... you honestly think she still loves you/
What makes you think that?
She is with someone else and has been for a long time. She doesn't love you, she loves that she controls you! And the worst part is that your blind to it all!
Please let her go. Move on. Stop contacting her and let her have her new man and new life.
And get a life of your own without her in it.
Please for your own sake cut contact and move on. This isn't healthy what your doing! Your just tormenting yourself!
Yes she is keeping you on the back burner in my opinion. She has you right where she wants you. Under her command and control.Quote:
Originally Posted by sfqt33
She knows if something goes awry with the new guy then she will have good old you there to fall back on and make her feel great about herself again!!
Are you happy to be that guy? I hope not!!
Do you realise how desperate and needy you sound here.
You are trapped in massive denial.
You knows she loves you and cares for you but it never comes out of her mouth?? What are you on about?? Really it is painfully obvious... She doesn't love you anymore. She loves controlling you!
Is this the same needy, possessive and psycho ex you talk about in your previous posts?
Im confused.
Please read his previous threads everyone and decipher for me!!
No this was the one before her. Ok, I get it.. I'm acting like a fool Your right she has the control and I need to take it back. SO, what if she e-mails me, call me? What then? Ignore her?
OK sorry. The one before. Ive read a bit more now and understand.
My advice above still stands though. I think you know what to do!!
Be polite but distant... If she wants you, man, she'll be there. You're only playing into her hands by being her lapdog. I mean, the best case scenario here is that she considers you a really good friend and you consider her MUCH MORE THAN THAT! Do you want to be that sad guy at the end of the movie who confesses his unrequited love after taking the bullet (for whatever reason)? No way!
If she still has feelings for you, that stuff will manifest. If not, not.
I agree that she wants you on the back burner in case something goes wrong with what she is doing now but do you really want to play the role of 'door mat'..
Surely you value yourself more than that..
Oh, and to answer your previous question about why is she so interested in your life?
She is interested in knowing if she still has control over you, if she still has you which in fact, she quite clearly does. You must regain control yourself.
Cut all contact!
<<She knows you still have feelings for her and she likes it. She likes to knows she has power over you and controls you. Because she does!
>>
She may not even realise he still has feelings..
I'm not sure its even about power or control ,she just thinks he wants to be friends.
But she is with the other guy and happy and the reason she mentions him is just not to give you any false hope.
Even if she breaks up with him she will find someone else.
So, the answer here is Cut off all contact. Regain my control. Rol, why do you say that even if she breaks up with her current partner she will find someone else?
Doesn't make sense.Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore. I have decided to cut off all contact. I know when things hit the fan, and they will She will be trying to contact me. I just know I have to be strong and not engage. I know this has kept me stuck from dating other woman. I want too but, I guess I have been waiting for this one.
I just feel you have fallen into the "friend zone"
Yes cut off the contact and at least you will be out of that zone.
Then she will either feel the absence from her life or will not, but as she is so happy with her current boyfriend she probably will not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rol
I agree and until she is unhappy, she won't be placing you anywhere but in the friend zone, if that is really where she wants/has you.
LET HER GO DUDE!!
She's with another guy!!
You MIGHT be plan B - NO ONE WANTS TO BE PLAN B.
She msut like the attention... just stop.
Yep - you're there friend AND you ACT like her friend. That's it.
EXTREMELY, extremely hard to get out the friend zone - once a woman places you in the friedn zone - you're pretty much done. She's moved on - never to return - that' s just women.
Wh tmight happen is IF you stop contact - she may one day have feelinsg again.
Why would that be. Because people always want what they can't have? And if she see's that I'm not there she may miss me, us?
No! You are not relationship material, only a plaything for when she is bored. You have no clue about relationships, and she knows that, so you are there to amuse her when she has nothing else to do. I strongly suggest you go back and see all the posts you have made here and decide to stop playing games with yourself, and start to grow up and make better decisions.Quote:
Originally Posted by sfqt33
Can you please get it out of your head that this girl loves you or will love you again.Quote:
Originally Posted by sfqt33
She is gone. She isn't coming back!
Cutting contact with her isn't about getting her back. I thought there was progress being made here and WC posts his thing about maybe one day she will have feeling for you again if you cut contact and then all of sudden you run with it and think that cutting contact will bring her back.
Well ill tell you something. IT Don't!!
Don't think like that! It isn't about getting her back. It is about you!
Man you guys are finished. Why can you not accept that?
You know what she is doing right now?? Lying in bed with her new man telling her how in love she is with him. How she has never been happier and she loves every moment she spends with him.
She's not thinking of you the same way you are obsessing / thinking of her. So be a man, be strong and stop letting her control your life!
How do you spell u-s-e and a-b-u-s-e me?
Hang onto your ex in any capacity you can...
Listen to all the gory details of her current tryst, hoping she won't notice you flinching...
Hope beyond all hope because gee, its just so romantic.
Does it work to get her back?
Let's see, everyone who has experienced that working in their life, please raise your hand (or post here).
And be sure to include if it worked out long term too... when you got an ex back, okay?
Dude, okay you guys have stayed friends for awhile, during this time has she seen you with other women or heard you talking about other women? If she has, and she didn't bat an eye then you can take it to the bank that she only likes you as a friend. If she comes off as a little jealous then you might be accurate in thinking she still has feelings for you. I bet you don't ever discuss other women with her though? If you guys are going to stay friends, it might be time to start. There's no better way to get back in a woman's head than by showing them the hottie that is so lucky to be with you!
This is a very unhealthy and immature way to go about things and I wouldn't advocate this at all!Quote:
Originally Posted by Copperhead6
Okay one minute you are claiming she is gone for good here...Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
And the next minute you are suggesting she might discover her feelings and then what... return to him??Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat
I see women are not the only ones who have trouble making up their minds! :rolleyes:
Do you really enjoy torturing yourself like this? I would never do it. My ex tried this "friends" thing with me and I was "nice" and let it go on for a bit, then I nipped it in the bud for myself when I realized how hard it was for ME. Yes, I still miss him, but I know I can't be just friends with him and I won't do it. I know that he won't be back, but at least I don't have to be tortured by hearing details of him and his new girlfriend. He tried that once and that was IT. I cut all contact off at that point. I suggest you do the same. You can't control her, her thoughts, who she wants to be with, etc. All you can do is live your own life and try to be the best that you can be and live the best life that you can.
I'm not saying I am completely over my ex. I still care for him. I even have the occasional thought of wishing he would try to reconcile with me. But as far as being just his friend and letting him torture me with details of a new girlfriend? I don't think so. Besides, I refuse to give him what he wanted... to be able to dump me for another girl out of nowhere, yet still have me in his life to talk to like before. He made his decision to hurt me for someone else, to put her as more valuable than me. So, let him live with it. It wasn't meant to be for the two of us. I have to accept that.
sfqt33,
Your not doing yourself any favors by being this girls back-up-boy...
It's not an appealing label... and it's never really a girls intentions to ever move the back-up-boy to first in line.
I'm not proud to admit this, but I had back-up-boys in the past - like Skell said, it was because I could... and guess what else... my husband was never one of them... and I was never one of his back-up-girls...
Have you ever wondered where the saying "Good guys come in last" came from?? It's situations like this! Don't continue on with allowing yourself to be placed last in line. There's also a saying used for back-up-girls too (which I've been one myself and had to learn the hard way), but I can't recall it at the moment...
Never-the-less, take it from me, but learn from your mistake... and go find a girl that's going to put you in that #1 spot!! Trust me, she's out there!
-Kae
She may or may not be intentionally keeping your hopes alive, but you are certainly putting yourself in a stuck position, and will never heal or move on and still will never have what you think you want from this woman. Work on yourself and get healthy so you can at least see the brick wall your running into. You don't know how to love yourself and as I have said you'll never be relationship material as long as your stuck in your unhealthy FANTASY.
Thank you everyone who has answered my posts. Your posts have really helped me. I realized that I'm more important than this woman. I have decided to stop all contact with her and get to know myself. Your all right.I don't have myself because I have been so focused on getting her back. I'm done trying to think I can control her and make her change her mind. I'm worth more than that. Right now, I need to heal and the only way I can do that is by staying away from her. As much as it hurts, I know no one new will come into my life until I fully let her go. She doesn't deserve me or my love and attention. I may need support through this process though because it's going to be difficult to not respond to her e-mails and phone calls. Bottom line: She doesn't deserve me. I just think I need some "single" time to get healthy but, it's hard because I have always been in a relationship and I don't want to find someone else to get me out of the pain.
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