Ask Me Help Desk - Destructive addictive relationship help

I really hope everything is going well for you. I am doing NC for 4 months now and I start doing it since the first day my ex told me when I called him after he totally disappeared for several weeks. And he just said to me "I can't love you, I have tried already but I really can't...blah blah blah". Those words hit me hard like hell. I felt like I gave him all my heart, be his supports, treated him really nice, and cared deeply for him, and those cruel words are all I got. He didn't even try to make it nice. To be honest, I really have to admit that the relationship was not that good or healthy and I should step out of it earlier before having to listen to the above. Anyway, I learned now.

When the relationship was not working for whatever reasons, over-analyse it only drives you crazy. You may have so many questions like "Is it my fault or her?" "Why she doing this to me?" "Was it because of my insecure?" "What's she thinking?" "Did she realize she make a mistake?" "Should I contact her?"

Over thinking about all the above are putting you in the dark tunnel and can't see the way out. What I did is that I go NC very strictly in order to distance myself from him and total get him out of my life. I try to use my head and think rational about the situation. I learn to accept the reality that whether it's my fault or his fault, it's really doesn't matter. Do I want him back? (No!) Can I trust him again? (No!). This is not working, we are not compatible, and I will move on. I believe that I deserve better and I know better and learn from my mistake now. I will not make the same mistake and learn to love wisely in my next relationship.

YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THE REALITY AND FACTS, THEN MAKE A DECISION, AND ACTED UPON IT.

It's not easy at all, I know. I don't have that much problem with going total NC with my ex. I never really want to contact him at all anyway. But I still have some problems of over-thinking and dwell on the past sometimes. I have to tell myself that I made a decision already, so I should just stick to it by leaving the past and the pain and all those questions I never get the answers behind, then start to rebuild a life I enjoy on my own and be happy again.

I wish you the very best.

Wow that is a very impressive way of handling it. I wish I could have been so mature. My situation devolved into such craziness, that I became ugly and made a fool out of myself in the process. Having NC instituted against me makes me be the one who wants to contact them, and no more damage.

I'm having a hard time accepting facts though, that almost out of my control- someone that loved me for who I was, was able to just NC me while I wasn't able.

The thing that is getting to me now is the realization that I turned from a loving person into an ugly person towards her. For some reason, I value her so much I don't want to be remembered as that- even though it doesn't matter. And I want to reverse it. We both made every mistake possible in a relationship, but I somehow can't help but thinking I let something amazing slip through my fingers.

My mom called me stupid and called the girl a *****... because she is in effect trying to hurt me while I never did the same. And she is a better manipulator than me.

I really truly believe our breakup was needed because we both had lost our own identities and couldn't get them back while in the relationship. But I don't want her out of my life forever. I was dead for a month but have been coming back the past 2 weeks, and I want her to see that. Because she knows me better than anyone in the world, and there is a reason for that, and a reason we met and really clicked.

So today I think I am showing great restraint.

I get this super cold e-mail from her work account.

"Hi XXXX!

Thank you for sending those Pension Plan papers back to the office. Although, I am missing a few things.

I need you to send over another copy of the two forms that you sent me (I need one to send to XXXX, and one for our files, both signed by you). These are the “Direct Rollover Election Form” and the “Waiver of 30-Day Notice”.

If you could send these back to the office as soon as possible, I would really appreciate it. Please make them to the attention of XXXX. She is cc’d on this email, and if you have any further questions, you can direct them to her!

Thanks a lot! "

So cold, not even an issue she is handling and could be sent by the person she is handling, basically just trying to put the knife into me... I want to call her out on it, but I am resisting.

Ok had a therapist session today. He thinks she sounds like a borderline personality disorder.

I actually gained some of these traits through the relationship. I didn't have them before... I mean I did have anger and maybe emptiness, but not on the level as brought out by this relationship.

* Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
* A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
* Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
* Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
* Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
* Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
* Chronic feelings of emptiness
* Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g. frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
* Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

Quote:

I need you to send over another copy of the two forms that you sent me (I need one to send to XXXX, and one for our files, both signed by you). These are the “Direct Rollover Election Form” and the “Waiver of 30-Day Notice”.

Just curious WHY SHE can't make copies to send to these people?

Quote:

If you could send these back to the office as soon as possible, I would really appreciate it. Please make them to the attention of XXXX. She is cc’d on this email, and if you have any further questions, you can direct them to her!

Is this for her benefit, or YOURS?

Quote:

I actually gained some of these traits through the relationship. I didn't have them before... I mean I did have anger and maybe emptiness, but not on the level as brought out by this relationship.

She brings out the worst in you, that's a given fact, but again, is this to her benefit, YOURS, or is this tying loose ends?

I was curious too. I think it was just to be more impersonal to me. She could have had the person that is actually handling it, send it. She is very vindictive to me right now. I want to ask her why she is so impersonal and vindictive to the person that knows her best in the whole world?

It is for both our benefits. I have the signed sheets to send in. Basically it is to receive my portion of the pension, because we used to work at the same place. I guess I needed to send all the copies, not just one. Who knows... I'll send. I didn't reply to the email.

Not sure why you need to go through her to get your pension.

Sounds fishy. Trying to get a desperate response out of you.

Deal directly with your employer.

Block her emails, ask your service provider.

You did good by not responding.

Glad you are seeking therapy. Learn as much as you can.

I was with someone with a severe personality disorder.
BUT, I was the one that failed to see it, or better yet denied it. And paid later.

Sometimes when we are "in love" we tend to let important things slide. And continue to.

Its good to understand our pluses & minuses, helps us to be more aware.

Believe me, now I can spot my ex's type a mile away.

There is no need to reply to her as this is business, and you taking it so personally is an indication of your own attitude that you need to examine. What should she have done, invited you to dinner? Put a smiley face at the end?

If this is for your benefit, what does it matter how a freakin, nuetral, sounding business text is delivered to you?

Help me understand what YOU expected this text to be? Where does it sound cold? What should she have added?

Well we worked at the same place, and I am due a pension. I guess I was short some of the signed copies. She could have had the other person send it, rather than email me directly.

I did type up a desperate response. A kind of "why are you so vindictive to me, i only wished the best for you. it was a toxic situation, why do you hate me?" type thing. Didn't send, but felt good typing it.

Therapist seems to be siding with me too much too. Maybe I am portraying things too much in my favor? I did exhibit some of the borderline personality tendencies myself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

There is no need to reply to her as this is business, and you taking it so personally is an indication of your own attitude that you need to examine. What should she have done, invited you to dinner? Put a smiley face at the end?

If this is for your benefit, what does it matter how a freakin, nuetral, sounding business text is delivered to you?

Help me understand what YOU expected this text to be? Where does it sound cold? What should she have added?

You are right. But she is so business oriented in the text... when the entire thing is obvious and simple and it is not even something she is handling. I don't know, it just seems cold and abrupt, but you are right. It is just a slap in the face to my denial. That I was so intimate with her and she is so business oriented to me now. 150% business oriented text, definitely more so than usually considering it is an office with 2 support staff, and I had the same job as her before she took it over from me.

I just want you to see how your own attitude makes you feel, and what you are doing to yourself, so you can stop it, and see its you making a bigger deal of something that is small and really, quite insignificant.

Then you will understand the need to cope with your attitudes, and feelings, in positive ways instead of becoming an irrational, illogical, jumble of weird feelings.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I just want you to see how your own attitude makes you feel, and what you are doing to yourself, so you can stop it, and see its you making a bigger deal of something that is small and really, quite insignificant.

Then you will understand the need to cope with your attitudes, and feelings, in positive ways instead of becoming an irrational, illogical, jumble of weird feelings.

That makes sense... One e-mail shouldn't send me into a tailspin. Even though I do believe she is getting pleasure out what she considers to be punishing me. I know this, because after one of our breakups I suffered, and she even so much as told me that I deserved it. Then felt like I had to pay for things to make up for the pain I caused her.

I don't know why - I want her to stop hating me! Because, she is the person that has 1) loved me most 2) been through the most with me 3) knows me most in the whole world, and she is displaying hatred towards me.

I will be the first to admit we shouldn't be together. In fact, I was the one who technically broke up with her. I was the one who didn't trust her. I poured my heart into it, but I became stagnant, a different person, I lost myself and it is only through the breakup that I would be able to be stronger and find myself.

But still, it is a terrible terrible feeling, that the person you love, and care for, and WOULD STILL do anything for, has not only a hatred for you, but a desire to push all your buttons- to feel good about getting into your head.

Any interaction from her since that day has been designed to get at me.

I don't know if this will make the remotest bit of sense to you but, as I was reading through this post I imagined something which seemed like a metaphor for your situation:

You have this picture in your head of your relationship, and it is the brightest, shiniest, most amazing picture ever. Only it is like a jigsaw and a large chunk of the picture isn't nice and shiny at all, it is made of pieces that are dark and frightening and don't fit with the rest of the pieces at all.

Part of the time you can only focus on those dark pieces and what you could have done to make them all nice and shiny, or what your ex could have done. Or whose fault it was that it couldn't all be a good picture.

Part of the time you can only remember the nice shiny parts and are blind to the dark patches.

After all we all know that all the pieces in a jigsaw are supposed to match up. But this one didn't and never will.

You have to try and accept the whole picture. Some of the relationship was good and some of it was bad. You simply cannot make the pieces fit together the way you wanted them to. It was what it was.

Also, the picture in your head will be different to that of your ex. You wanted her to agree, 'yes, if we had just done, x, y, z, we could have fixed it.' She won't see it the same way as you, she never did after all, or you wouldn't have had so many things to cause you problems in the first place.

No matter how long you spend looking you are never going to find the pieces that make the picture what you wanted it to be. Your job isn't to fix something that is over and done it is just to fully accept that it was flawed and now it is gone.

As to the recent impersonal e-mail you received, maybe she is just trying to say that she has moved on, maybe she is giving you the cold-shoulder, who knows. Stop trying to work it out. You might have stopped contacting her and looking in her e-mails but you are trying to see inside her head. You have enough to sort out in your own head, let her sort out hers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Outoftime44

Well we worked at the same place, and I am due a pension. I guess I was short some of the signed copies. She could have had the other person send it, rather than email me directly.

And then maybe you would be thinking, 'why didn't she e-mail me herself?'

"I will be the first to admit we shouldn't be together."

"Any interaction from her since that day has been designed to get at me.

So, stop projecting:

"Even though I do believe she is getting pleasure out what she considers to be punishing me"

Just leave her in the dust. Screw what she may think.

People like that don't deserve your time or thoughts.

That's punishment enough.

You guys have some great points. Thank you very much for sharing. I really appreciate the insight.

That is a great puzzle analogy.

Is there something twisted or weird in me that I want to wish her well? I have gradually become more and more positive in the past 6 weeks. I still care about her, I want to help her... She isn't going to be fixed just by dumping me. I mean, nothing of this nature could be 100% anyone's fault when nothing truly bad was done by anyone.

It is good to wish her well.

It is not good to see yourself as the solutiion to her problems. Maybe she needs fixing but that's not your job.

You worry about you.

Since it is a business email, should I just reply like "i'll send the copies tomorrow. best of luck. " or something?

Nope, just send them through the mail.

Direct them to who deals with pensions.

Then, keep on NC. Block her emails dude.

OK I'll send the papers in. No response.

I had an email typed up and ready. Even wrote some reflections and like a wish you well thing. But thanks to the feedback here I was able to keep NC. Another day done NC! Almost broke.

Since you keep having urges to let her know how you feel, how about sitting down and writing every thing you wish you could address down in a letter, and then burning it.

I have used this in the past to help me deal with unresolved feelings, and I could feel myself letting go of some of them as I imagined them drifting away on the smoke.

I keep reflecting on our wonderful trips together. I keep thinking positive, reading positive books, and it makes me think so positive of her.

The first couple of weeks I had a "not meant to be attitude" but now it is turning into a what could it been, even though this situation is literally impossible to fix.

The more I try to erase her from my head, the most she appears. She is like a ghost.

My therapist told me today don't contact her, he'll bet $100 she won't respond, and it will just make it worse. Only contact her if it would make me hate her if she doesn't reply...

Quote:

Originally Posted by QLP

Since you keep having urges to let her know how you feel, how about sitting down and writing each and every thing you wish you could address down in a letter, and then burning it.

I have used this in the past to help me deal with unresolved feelings, and I could feel myself letting go of some of them as I imagined them drifting away on the smoke.

Good idea. I'll try that. I need to stop typing the urges, because when I type them, it is too easy to just click click send.

I honestly want to reach out and touch her.

The nature of our relationship... being intense, obessive, both of us being physically ill, the only focus of our lives, while we were both living in new places, with a pregnancy, disconnect from other friends, vidchatting talking non stop all day everyday, 100+ emails a day back and forth... just has created a monster.

Don't go in circles. You already know what to do.

Once again contact with her sent you spinning.

Seriously, block her. Whatever it takes. I did it.

You can too.

Remove the drama once & for all.

It seems to me like you are confusing forgiving her for wanting to be back with her. It is good to forgive her past behaviour. It is not good to imagine that the behaviour wouldn't happen all over again if you made contact. And it would hurt even more.

Remember you have to keep all parts of the picture in your mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Dont go in circles. You already know what to do.

Once again contact with her sent you spinning.

Seriously, block her. Whatever it takes. I did it.

You can too.

Remove the drama once & for all.

Her being the one to block me first, cut it off with me, made me panic at first, really put it off putting. She is blocking me out, rejecting me so easily, it makes me want to contact her more. I guess it is just natural for me to want to breakthrough somehow when she successfully NC against me.

I bet you will not believe, I was a 100x bigger mess when the events were unfolding and the week afterwards when she was claiming nervous breakdown...

I see the whole puzzle, but I just see my flaws. I forget hers... I see mine, and it wasn't me, it was the person I came.

I compared myself to what I was at this point last year and it is laughable how far I've fallen...

As you are blocking her from your phone & email, also delete every email to & from her, including her friends & family.

Delete all pix on your hard drive, phone, camera or dresser drawer.

And any mementos, love notes, gifts or anything else in plain view.

You need a serious dose of YOU, not her.

"successfully NC against me"

Can you see the irony?

Yes I've deleted her number (but have it memorized), all e-mails, FB blocked, view no pictures ever, all e-mails deleted with any mention of her.

Of course I have her email memorized, but not in my contact list anymore.

I logged into her email today and read a couple old ones of her saying nice things to me, and her goodbye email to me from about a month ago.

Anyway MUST BE STRONG NC IS ONLY WAY TO GO. I broke it last week, but this time it is sticking.

So what can you do to make yourself more the person you were or want to be? Not what can you think or say but DO? Start with something small. Go for a walk and get a bit fitter. Read a book and learn something new. Help someone in need, try a little volunteering. Learn a new recipe. Anything positive that you fancy. Start on project YOU.

"I logged into her email today and read a couple old ones of her saying nice things to me, and her goodbye email to me from about a month ago."

DELETE.

Don't log in to her email, c'mon. That's breaking NC too.

Problem I am having is, like I repeated, is that I am transforming my energy into positive. I am reading about how to do so, affirmations, this and that, becoming more positive, but it makes me want to share the positive energy with her. It is like making me feel too good.

"it makes me want to share the positive energy with her"

She is gone, though. Not in your life anymore.

Direct that energy everywhere else. Starting with you.

I agree with QLP. "Start on project YOU."

Invite yourself out on a date. Spend the whole day together.
Make a plan that doesn't involve her.

And BTW, if you blocked her, why are you still getting texts & emails?

Just wondering.

It came from the work e-mail address. Don't know how to block the texts.

'Invite yourself out on a date. Spend the whole day together.'
Brilliant.

Use that positive energy on YOU. Stop seeing NC as a temptation to be resisted and start seeing it as the key to freedom.

Call your phone company.

Block that old work email too. You don't work there anymore, plus she does.

If they need you, let them send a letter.

I found this link - The Loser1 - Relationship-Help

We both exemplified so many of the effects:

Her:
HUGE ONE FIRST::::::
2. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

4. Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.

7. It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else.

13. Entitlement "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.

15. Bad Stories People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It's the old story about giving a person enough rope and they'll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. "The Loser" tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts because they don't see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the "I don't take nothing from nobody" attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it's folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what's coming your way.

18. Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser".

Me (things I did):

6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

8. Breakup Panic "The Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up

10. Paranoid Control "The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don't answer their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you've been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie.

12. It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

18. Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser".

"the key to freedom"

Yes. We all have different ones. Mine is beautiful. A big gold one.
Hidden right in front of me, and I still didn't see it.

Find it first, then unlock that s$$t!

I don't like the term "loser"