Vent... again...

Man, learning to cope with not having an ex sucks.. lol.. but knowing you have to cope with seeing them every three weeks and talk to them on the phone every few days.. that's the hard part for me..

I ran into this:
YouTube - Pray for You - Jaron and The Long Road to Love :: Official Video

Found it rather funny.. lol.. Thought I'd share it..

Turns out that blazer I had lined up may be sold. The job I had lined up is canceled due to no permitting in the gulf area from the oil spill. No clue when she's coming for custody arrangements. I'm just not diggin where my future's headed currently.

I can tell I'm hurting when I'm single and not even trying to sleep with anyone.. : /

Had a dream about her last night.. brought back a flood of thoughts today..

Yeah. I grabbed a pack-o-smokes last night.. Sucks..

Lots of self-pitty here, but I do have it.. and I can't allow her to see it..

Starting to think I have a fear of being alone.

Also thinking this has left me feeling pretty insecure.

Beginning to wonder if her and I were right.. I've noticed how I talk to other women and how I talk to her.. and it's different. Not sure if it's because I got too comfortable with her or what.

I removed her from the social sites, but tonight I finally got the courage to block her as well..

I know it's immature to say, but I want her to feel guilt and I feel like if she doesn't want all of me.. then she shouldn't get any of me. Not quite sure how that's going to play out due to custody. I think deep down she knows she'll never lose me (which used to really get to her when I told her that I'm not friends with exs) because I'll always have to be around her.

Sometimes I want to give up and walk away, but I love my son way too much for that. Such a crap feeling. A trapped feeling.. Even if it is my own fault for the emotions I deal with. I don't want to be around for the custody swaps when I have to meet whatever guy she introduces me to before introducing our son to them, but at the same time I do of course want to know who my son's around.

Is it wrong to believe in her and still see her good side through all this crap she's doing now? She's fronting and getting attention, but I know she still cares and she doesn't deny caring. She's really this amazing girl when she's being herself. I don't believe anyone can change that drastically in 2 months.

Yeah, I'm dumb. I know. Still NC. Still fronting like I'm stronger. Time will tell.. unfortunately I'm counting every minute of it..

So..
I think I loved the ex, but I wasn't really in-love with her.. She's a great girl usually, however, we just didn't click all the time. We got comfortable and we both just sat there and did nothing about it. I think we both are so much alike, and I think we need to be with someone like us but unique, you know? We needed a balance of personalities I guess to say.. I don't think we'll ever have a future together as a couple.. So it's time to just be civil about our son and go about our lives.

Well, I've been talking to this one chick off and on.. and.. I've got to say.. I ALREADY click with her more then I did with the ex lol.. Pretty sad eh? She's smart, hella hot, goofs off but is still mature about serious things, and she has this little ego thing about her I really dig.. lol.. Unfortunately she's the same age as my ex.. So.. I duno if that means anything. She already digs my son lol.. And, while I like her, I think more about how this shows that there are many women more suitable out there and that my ex and I weren't that great to begin with. I'm definitely still single and keeping my options open, though. Lol..

I spoke to the ex today about custody.. Apparently she's back down here.. She tried to get moody.. which just made me smile as I calmly told her I wasn't going to fight with her anymore about any of this- that we can sit down and discuss this as adults and be fair about it. She got the message and I put our son on the phone so they could talk etc.. Told her Happy Mother's Day and left it at that. Feels good to not have a knot in my stomach when we talk. I just didn't care lol.. I have my responsibilities taken care of so it's all good here..

I've been doing some career searching.. I found a few things I think I might like doing.. Although, I'm not exactly sure I can do some of them.. I've got: Electrician, X-Ray Technician, Network Admin, Electrical Engineer, and more in mind. I've been researching them one by one thoroughly to see if the felony will harm my chances or if it's stable and something I enjoy..

Life is good today.

The best research to do is call and ask if they accept felons, and if you qualify for financial assistance. AND if they have placement services upon graduation. That's a biggie!

Hey, thanks for the advice, Tal.. You've been MIA for a bit here : p lol.. Understandable though lol..

I've tried to call the certification boards, but no answer and I even left a voicemail. I'll keep trying though. I want something stable and for that something to be something I don't dread EVERY day.. lol.. you know? This job is a job.. Not a bad job, but it's not for me.

I wish I could find a position that I could work while schooling. I really would like to jump head first into this when I make that initial leap. I want to make it do or die. I thrive best in that mode. Plus the experience I'll have gotten will make me a more valuable asset if I decide to leave said placement position.

The ex is already asking if I "found someone". I didn't even give her the gratification of a real answer nor did I bother asking her if she found anyone. She started talking about wanting to do schooling for something or another. I told her I wished her luck and that I'll have to figure out when I can arrange for her stuff to be dropped off and custody papers to be signed. That's all I cared to say really..

This other girl and I still talk.. every night pretty much. I'll give her the honorary 'forum name' of Mary. She talks about things I like hearing(her interests etc).. and she likes that I'm goofy with words, but a deep thinker still. Mary's a 180 from my last. She's a sophisticated goofball almost lol. She has morals and knows boundaries and accepts them. She wants to date, but I've expressed my desire to leave options open and just go slow and she agrees with me. I let her talk to my son every other call or so and they both LOVE it lol.. He actually threw a tantrum when I took the phone today.. He doesn't even do that with his mom. I keep it honest and I tell her how it is and I've let it be known that I'm stuck to my ex for life in a parenting sense. She's good with it all.. lol.. A dating life DOES exist when you're a single father after all lol..

I actually have good days now.. Only bad ones are when I'm bored.. I hope to fill that with school soon.. Looking for a new job as well.. Out with the old memories.. in with the new.. : )

Night all.

That's really great to hear...

All the best and keep up the good work... you'll be fine in no-time...

Goodnight.

Thanks!

I'm actually doing better then fine! I'm doing F'ING fantastic..

I had a wild wild wild night last night.

I got a knock on my door at random- it was my buddy. He told me I have an hour and a half to get ready. I was like.. "dude.. it's my day off.. leave me alone.." lol. He got me a job! I'll be starting next week sometime I believe. I'll be making what I used to make per month.. in a week. DUDE. I'm moving! I got a job! And...

I finally got the custody issue over with for now. We signed a little contract type deal and in 3 weeks we're going to see a paralegal to have an actual copy put into the legal system!

I miss my little buddy. Only been a day and I'm pretty down. All the little things he used to do that kind of rattled my nerves.. I miss those even. It's not the same. : /

LOL Oh, and I was also stopped while walking about town (I had to travel like 4 hours to sign paperwork and do the drug test so I was out of town) by my ex's old Best Friend! LOL.. They don't talk much anymore, but.. holy.. hell.. is she hot. She and I drove around a little catching up. She's recently single, I made her laugh, flirted a bit, and got her number. I'm not sure what I should do with this, if anything? I want to remain civil with the ex, but DUDE this chick is on fire! She works two jobs and is going to school. She's also looking for a roommate, and what a coincidence, so am I. : p

The other girl is awesome. I still talk to her a lot! She's really down that I keep options open, but she's still cool with it. If she'd come and go to school down here I'd be all about it, but I just don't need to deal with the stress of a long distance thing. My plate is currently FULL.

I also got to see my Uncle last night. This guy has been like my father figure since I was really young. I haven't seen him in nearly 3 years. We spent some time catching up and talked about a family reunion we have coming up and that we could ride together. I've been ashamed that my life hasn't gone anywhere and I don't like feeling like a disappointment around him. I'm glad I put my pride aside for once and got to see him. He was actually WAY more positive about me then I was!

After 23 years.. I finally feel like my life is coming together. I was so sick of it always going down hill, being screwed hourly by life, and being depressed. It just never seemed to look up for me. I fell further then rock bottom. I've actually had tears(I'm not gay, OK? Lol it was only for like 1 second) of happiness.. knowing my life isn't done for.. Knowing that everyone and everything in my life doesn't always have to be against me. I know you probably don't understand why it's such a big thing to me, but even my friends call me the most unlucky guy they've ever met lol..

Last night was what I needed. I hope I see these days more often.

Hearing all that, it sounds like you are getting your life on track. That's great...

My recommendation is to take it slow with this smoking hot girl... take your time... be friends... and then see how it goes. I'm thinking you still need time to heal and time to yourself..

Congrats on the job... sounds like you will be rolling in it. Basically, good to hear its all going well for you and I hope it keeps going that way.

Haha congrats man! Nothing like a little bit of extra $$ and good news after a crappy period. Glad to hear things are looking up. Glad to hear you took the time to catch up with your uncle... its amazing the things women can cause us to neglect eh? Keep it up man you have so much more happiness ahead... sounds like you already know this though :D

OMIgosh! Is there hope??

Thanks y'all..

I've sat here and done a lot of thinking.. Son's with his mother right now so it's really empty and quiet..

I think I have issues..

This alone feeling has consumed me.. and when I stop to think about it, it's always been that way..

It's not about any girl or anyone/anything in particular..

But, I have also had this problem since I moved out of my parents house when I was 19.. This problem is pushing away people who care about me. An actual feeling like I'm supposed to be alone.. like I'm supposed to not be loved. I hate it yet it's when I'm most comfortable. Torn inside, but at peace.

I don't even know what the hell this is, but as you can tell it's a catch 22. I want a family and people I care about and to care about me as well.. I just don't let them..

People who were there for me during the ex issue I pushed away.. Girls who take interest lately are great until I get to know them on a personal level.

I'm so happy lately I really just don't understand it.. I've finally gotten to be myself again.. I hang out with friends and talk to people.. I get out of the house.. I just always feel like something's not quite right.. or missing even..

That one girl and I are getting really interested in one another.. and when she attempts to move forward I push her back.. Now she's not even been calling or texting throughout the day as she used to.. Think I've pretty well f'd this one up haha.. And, it's not even about her.. If I don't fix this problem I'll be doomed to repeat this cycle for life..

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Girls who take interest lately are great until I get to know them on a personal level.

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What you can't be friends and enjoy it?? Must be looking for something else from them, or you still have a bad taste in your mouth. "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with". Good practice for when your with the one you love.

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I just always feel like something's not quite right.. or missing even..

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You miss the family thing!

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And, it's not even about her.. If I don't fix this problem I'll be doomed to repeat this cycle for life..

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Light bulb goes on!!

I'm not sure why all the sudden I've ended my ability or want to make friends..

Good point, though. I guess it's me pressuring everything to be something serious or meaningful, but why?

I miss the family thing more then anyone will ever know.

Maybe that's the answer to my own question.

Haha.. Yeah.. the light bulb goes on, but it doesn't resolve it.

I've definitely gotten a little more bitter towards the relationship idea since the ex. It left me a bit insecure I suppose. I have this thought that every girl must have a hidden agenda, and the fact I can read people fairly well intensifies these feelings when I see someone displaying subtle negative things whether it's actual words, way they're said, movements they make, things they do, or changes they make. I turn it all into something negative then I play off that.

In all reality they are negative actions on their part, but that's due to the way I've been acting I guess.. It's kind of funny when you pick up on these things you know exist, but the person themselves do not know about it and deny it. It always shows in later actions, though.

For instance this girl(only an example of what I've been doing lately). She and I would talk every night for like the past week for 3 hours or so then she'd call during breaks and email me etc. Well, she was wondering why I still had my options open, and I guess when I still said I wanted them open (but that I also was really into her) I pushed her back instead of just letting whatever happens happen. She really likes me and I can tell. Well, probably past tense at this point. But, the past few days she hasn't said or done much with the exception of cute little texts she does every now and then. Her schedule has remained the same. I read this as "You messed up.. I've lost interest". Which it probably is. However, for it to have been that quick, I believe something went wrong really quick.

So it shows that things aren't normal here with the way I've been handling friendships, dates, etc. I definitely do not have myself under control.. That's for sure..

She said today she wants to close our options as far as looking for other people, but wants nothing official until we see how this goes.. Sounds great to me! Exactly what I've asked for!. If only I could shut myself up and stop thinking for a day or so.

Perceptiveness is a gift and a tragedy.

My brain never shuts up. Haha..

She is interested in dating exclusively. Bit to soon for that, but she is clearly interested.

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Haha.. Yeah.. the light bulb goes on, but it doesn't resolve it.

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But you are making progress mentally as seeing the problem is half the battle in finding a solution. It will come, don't worry. Patience and a regular dose of a good nights sleep. Hmm another problem to be solved.

Lol Thanks, Tal..

What do you mean @ too soon? Good to hear someone agree that she's interested.. Just need to remember to be myself and not let my own thoughts bug me..

Yeah I definitely need to sleep more.. that'll come once I get this job started..

God I hate killing so much time waiting for my call for this job..

What's a good way to relax and take the edge off before I talk to someone? People like me when I'm myself, but I hear a change in tone when I'm being this paranoid retard lol..

I like her.. She keeps me on my feet which has solved my taking things for granted part that I did with the former girlfriend.. lol.. But, she definitely lets me know she digs me which is cool.

I'm so close, Tal... Seriously.. like almost a normal person lol.. I can initiate and hold a conversation once again, but after so long I get to this.. bleh part.. like, I stop being interesting or taking interest.

I've almost filled my phone's memory with numbers already.. I just fear talking to some of them because I dun want to bore them to death lol..

Hot shower after a brisk walk, after dinner, two aspirin(?). And hit the sack. Nothing like a good nights sleep to recharge the batteries, just don't over eat.

Works for me.

Sounds like a plan, my man..

I'll try to sleep a whole night tonight.. Do a little working out before work.. Take a walk or go fishing..

What's aspirin the for? Lol

Pfft @ over eat.. I'm doing that on purpose at the moment..

So, this update comes with good and bad news, but more importantly how I've learned that I wish to embrace both the good and bad things and continue living my life for the times to come and not for the things which I cannot fix and that have always brought me down.

I found out I have to re-take this drug test. No, I don't do drugs lol.. I failed because I flushed the toilet out of habit and washed my hands.. odd, eh? Haha I had to laugh a little. However, I also got news that my friend's friend (our connection to this job and the reason for our direct hire-on) is no longer with the company and there may no longer be a job to be had.

I've decided that.. it doesn't matter whether I get this job. If I don't I'll still be alive the next day and I have to take it from there. I have decided that if this doesn't pan out I'll continue job hunting, but also will enroll in classes.

I think I want to be an X-ray technician. Yes, I know it's a rough choice for a felon, but if I don't take this chance to do what I want with my life.. then what's the purpose of living? I want to live.

Well, haha.. I've decided to cut back on my downtime. I'll pop on here time to time and see if any of my experience can be used to help others who are in need of that peace of mind that I was able to achieve through guidance of the awesome users of AMHD. I consider these strangers my friends.. Thank y'all for helping me see there are brighter days to come no matter the circumstances. It means a lot to me. You truly do have direct/indirect impact on the lives of those you advise! Wish I could buy you all a couple rounds haha..

(Redundant a bit from here)
I have made up my mind as of tonight.. that.. I don't want to sit and waste anymore of my time thinking of yesterday when I have tomorrow to look forward to. I don't wish to dwell any longer on past memories.. I want to make new ones. I love memories.. The more the better.. I want to look back and tell my son the stories of his father, and for him to learn to do the same with his future children.. Life's a big story.. You get to choose your ending.. That's the best kind.

I'm going to spend my days being a father and a happy man.. I hope to make new friends and spend time with my already existing ones.. Catching up with all of those who I left behind.. I really miss a lot of them. They've started new careers, had children, gotten married, moved to the other side of the world.. It's amazing how fast time flew by..

Unfortunately some have had it rough.. This news tore me up pretty bad, and I feel like I got to get it out somewhere.. One of my past, well, I duno what to label it as.. She just informed me tonight she has the telling signs of possible cancer and they're monitoring her to see if it changes(possible surgery to prevent it).. I just want to go spend all the time I can with her.. She means A LOT to me. One of my best friends. I just want to be there for her. I'm terrified for her.. I can only imagine what she's going through. She has a kid as well. She's such a good person. Weird getting that kind of call.. /end venting

I hope to find myself in some sort of schooling program regardless of this job, but sooner if it doesn't go through. It's my turn for a college life : p

I want to be my son's example of a strong man. A man who knows what he wants, and who understands that sometimes things don't work out as you had planned, but that life is all about rolling with the punches.. It's about being happy just living and having the chance to be around those you enjoy being around and loving.

The point of this rambling is that I want to rejoin the world. More so then just hitting on chicks haha.. I just want to have a good time and laugh more often..

As for y'alls advice.. I'll definitely pay it forward! I've already helped a handful of friends facing similar circumstances.. They too were glad to have that moral support.. I love seeing my friends smile more then anything..

I'll update time to time as well : )

Very inspirational post... another AMHD success story I think.

Your emotional dust is settling, and that's great. I only want you to succeed in finding your own happiness, no matter what life throws at you.

It does feel good to see a friend making good progress, as no matter what happens, it does get better.

Well, I'll update again.. lol..

So since I last was on I quit my old job and have been working construction since.. Finally on my way to stabilization.. It's OK.. Definitely not a career, but it pays the bills for now..

My ex decided to finally tell me she did sleep with that guy in GA.. Things were going well custody wise for a few months, but she decided that I worked too much so she'd just take him and move back to GA and not let me see him or talk to him. She told me she was going for full custody and hasn't answered the phone in about a month now. Worried sick over my son. It's not the best environment by far. Cops won't due anything due to it being a civil case and because there was no actual legal case, we just agreed out of mutual respect and love for our son. Boy, am I an idiot.

I've dated several women, but it was more about making friends and having fun. I regret none of them. Every woman has an interesting personality and a unique character.. I was happy to get to know such people, and to see that they're not all insane haha..

Still struggling to figure out who I am sometimes. I think that's my major fall back. I have no clue what I want or like or where I want my life to go. I'm not trying to label myself, but it'd be nice to have an idea on what kind of guy I am. Lol.. I think I'm catching on though..

I'm just learning how to smile and not over think everything. "keep it simple, stupid" sort of thing lol.. Gotten rough in life lately. I'm definitely being tested for what I've learned. Got to roll with the punches. My son being gone, working too many hours to have a life, mom and good friend have just been confirmed with cancer diagnosis', and being alone away from friends and family. Trying to keep my head clear is nearly impossible, but so far I'm managing..

It's been a really wicked few months lol.. Rediscovering myself and the world around. I was down and out so long that it's all so new to me.. It's a daily adventure, and I'm glad to be on it. I finally almost feel like a normal person rofl...

Well, I have two days left to kill this weekend.. Take care, y'all..
- Joe