You are playing games and you do contact her when it is convenient for you and then you go NC when it is convenient.
You both are sending mixed signals to each other.
Stop. Pee or get off the pot!

You're both playing games,what's the point?

Are you sitting down and discussing how to repair your relationship and getting back together again?

No,you are not.

So make your mind up,either stick to NC and move on,or keep breaking it and stay confused.

Your call.

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The truth is, I'm just not over her

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Now your getting somewhere. One of the reasons for healing is to cope with feelings we have in a positive way, and that really is what NC is about, because if you really look at what goes on with all of us, when interacting with a romantic partner, it is our own feelings that motivate us, drive us, confuse us, make us act, and react. Feelings, especially strong ones, make us sometimes not see facts.

Take your situation as an example. You are so bothered about getting things back the way the were that you fail to see the relationship has changed, and will never go back to the way it was. But your contact with her that is fueled by false hope that it will, you fail to see that fact. That's why you leave her alone until the dust settles, and you have your own emotions, and feelings, under better control.

Exes seldom play games, doesn't matter if they do, they do what they do, but its US that act, and react with confusion, fear, and false hope. And thats something YOU can control!

She obviously doesn't know what she wants. She says she wants to see you, but doesn't want to be friends, but also thinks it would be too hard to have any kind of relationship with you, and then you make out, and don't hear from her.

Leave her alone - she WILL CONTINUE to do this, and you WILL CONTINUE to get your hopes up and get hurt.

She may not be playing mind games intentionally - she just doesn't know what she wants at all. Leave her alone. If she does email you, a short email back in all honesty that says "I cannot be your friend right now - we need to go our separate ways and perhaps in a year or more we can try to have a friends only relationship". You need to do it for your own sanity. You may even need to block her email, and phone number.

This will continue, you will continue to be her prey, and will not get over it until you see the need to.

All, thanks for the advice. It is just so difficult when someone tells you they want a "break" and then continues to contact you and make out with you.

I'm not trying to play any games, as the truth of the matter is, I want her back and she knows this.

But I also don't want to put pressure on her/keep contacting her because as everyone on this board indicates - this will only drive her further away. Plus, every time I put myself out there I just open myself up to more pain and rejection.

From what I've read, 99% of the time when someone tells you they want a "break" they are breaking up with you usually to date someone else or have an interest in dating someone else. If I knew that was the case, then I would want nothing to do with her. But instead, since the day she gave me the "break" speech - she has been flip flopping from "I want to see you/I miss you" and "I'm not dating anyone else" to "we can't be in a relationship" and not contacting me for days?

The only conclusion I can draw is that she is unsure of what she wants and is still trying to keep me around in case something better doesn't work out. It's awful, but as much as I want to be with her more than anything, I can't accept the fact that after 5 years I am not her first priority anymore. I can only move on and hope to eventually find someone that will make me as happy.

So, a quick update. After not hearing from the x for a week, I ran into her at a house party thrown by one of my friends. She showed up with two mutual girlfriends of hers that knew the host. I'm sure she new I would be there. When she saw me she simply said "hi" and then didn't say another word to me for the rest of the night. Every time I saw her she was trying to talk to one of my male friends or talking to other guys. Eventually, I decided I just wasn't having fun with her there so I left. That was last Thursday.

The following Monday, I get an email from her asking if I wanted to meet her for lunch. I thought are you kidding me, after Thursday night? Instead of not replying, because I had enough of this, I simply replied "No, I'm done meeting you". To which she responded, "Too bad for you". A few hours later I get another email from her telling me one of her friends got engaged and it made her think that it could have been us. I didn't respond.

Another week goes by, and I don't hear from her. Then, Monday morning comes again (yesterday) and I get a text message from the x asking me if I wanted to meet her for dinner tonight? I didn't respond, and only an hour later I get an email from her saying, "You are so immature. You have no reason not to talk to me. No wonder you are not married yet at 33 years old. Be a man and at least respond." So, I did, by emailing back, "I have no desire to go to dinner with you or talk to you." To which she responded, "Cleveland is a small town. If you can't handle the fact that we're both living here and will see each other, then it's you that has the issues, not me. Your problem not mine."??

Not sure what this has to do with my response or what's she's talking about? Is it because I rejected her asking to hang out with me twice? Why is she even bothing to ask me to meet her? Another manipulation thing? She didn't have more than one word to say to me at the party and then days later wants to go to lunch? And then again after nothing for a week, wants to meet for dinner?

It seems like every time, I'm doing good with moving on and NC, she knows when to contact me again. I guess when it's convenient for her or she's lonely. I'm guessing after rejecting her twice, I won't hear from her again. Just don't understand the point of her continuing to want to see me?

She is a flake and she is immature and selfish.
Be done with her. She has done this to you many times, it's not going to change. Ignore her and she will stop. Keep relenting and then replying she knows she can continue to play her games.

Man, oh, man. After denying her request to have lunch with her twice I thought it would be done. But no siree. She just emailed me a picture of her naked from the waist up and asked if I wanted her to come over tonight and show me the rest?

I hope you told her no thanks.
Until she can talk to you and tell you exactly what's on her mind, unless she can tell you she wants definitely you back, ignore her.
Right now she is playng games.

I don't know what to do with this? I'm getting conflicting advice from my friends. Most women will not just have sex with a man - so some say this means part of her wants me back and wants to maintain an emotional connection? Others, say she is only doing it because you've been denying her. And, it will just mess with your head if you do. Do I respond? If so, what do I say?

You don't do anything.
She said she wanted a break. If she wants you back, she needs to tell you that. Not hint or play games. She is not a child.

If you just have to respond, ask her what all this means. Ask her if this means she wants you back, and if she says she doesn't know, tell her to leave you alone.

Ok, so I woke up this morning and had six missed calls from Lindsay, the x, last night around 11:45pm. Then a text message from her at 5:00am saying, "I got mugged last night. They broke my arm and stole my wallet. I am bruised all over. The My sister had to pick me up from University Hospital. Thanks for being there."

What do I do about this? She told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. Then she constantly gets in touch with me when it's convenient for her. Ignores me when I see her. Then asks me to go to lunch with her. But then tells me she doesn't want to be in a relationship. Then calls me when she has to go to the hospital and slamz me for not being there for her?

I don't want to be heartless and feel bad for her, but what do I do? Call her sister to make sure she is OK? Visit her? Call her? Nothing?

You continue to leave her alone.
You are not responsible for her.
She needs to stop playing games with you.
Call her sister and make sure she is OK but don't talk to her.

Do what you feel is right, man. Don't lie to yourself about what you want to do. This isn't a life or death thing seeing she lived and will live, but it's a big event in someone's life who you care for.

If you want to call, call. If you want to drop by and leave a "Get Well Soon!" card, do so. If you want to give flowers, go for it. You obviously do care and probably are worried for her. However, if you do any of these keep to as minimal contact as possible. Do not speak to her about anything other then saying "Sorry this happened to you.. I hope you get better soon". DONE.

It is breaking NC, but which is worse.. If you do care you'll end up doing it one way or another and at least doing this while controlling yourself allows you to walk away without discussing you two. Doing this after you've made yourself wonder all day/week, then breaking down and calling and maybe even confessing your feelings, is going to bomb you pretty bad.

Other then that I'd do what everyone else says about NC until she flat out tells you she wants to work things out. Anything other then that is B.S. mind games and are only words and ego/power flexing tools..

Good Luck In Whichever Way You Go!

So, I called her sister to make sure she was all right. Other than the broken arm, her sister told me she was doing fine with some minor bumps and bruises. A few hours after calling her sister, I got a voicemail from the x thanking me for calling and asking me if I would call her back to speak with her. Thoughts? I understand this doesn't change anything as she hasn't said anything about wanting to be back together with me - I'm sure this wouldn't be the first thing she would talk about after a mugging! So do I call after weeks of NC? What would be the point? Or would it just make matters worse starting this whole process over again? Or is it selfish of me not to respond and ask her how she is doing - because all I'm concerned about is not wanting to talk to someone who didn't want to be in a relationship with me.

Don't call her.
She wanted the break and if and when she wants to be with you, let her come to you without game playing.
Don't play into her hands.

So I would appreciate some serious advice from all of you that have read this whole story. This afternoon I got an email from the x. It read "Bill, I have been thinking about everything that happened. I have been miserable since we seperated and realize that I want you in my life. I thought I wanted to take some time to figure my life out and see what else was out there. But I realized that you make me happy more than anyone I have ever met. I would like to try things again with us if you are interested. If not I understand. Please let me know either way."

Now, I understand that after the mugging she is feeling very vulnerable and acting on emotions. When things were previously good she had no problem telling me she "wanted a break" and didn't want to be in a relationship with me. As a result, this may be the emotional trauma talking. She has flipped flopped so many times over the past month - from wanting to see me to not caring. She goes from one minute being great to the next minute being the biggest manipulative non-caring b**** in the world.

I still have feelings for her, but do not want to throw myself back into anything if it is only going to be the same cycle over again and months down the road she again decides she doesn't want to be with me. Plus now there is this history of everything that happened which I don't know if I can ever get past. On the other hand, I honestly don't know if I will ever meet anyone as compatible as her (I'm 37!) recognizing that we all have flaws and all make mistakes. But then again according to y'all less than 2% of people who get back together after breaking up work out in the end.

What do I do?

Tell you you two can talk once she is feeling better. Let her initiate the talk then.
She may be out of commission right now and is bored and lonely. She seems to be awfully fickle. I would not trust this last text.

I think you are slowly getting over her and if you two got back together I don't think it would last long. You have seen a different side of her.

I should have listened but I didn't. So days went by and she kept emailing and texting me, telling me she "missed me" and "wanted to try again" multiple times. Eventually, I caved and spoke with her. She told me she wanted to see me so badly, she wanted me in her life and wanted to give us a chance. So, I went to meet her and we spent the afternoon together at a boat show. Things were going well, I thought, maybe she did realize she made a mistake and we can work things out. As the night was ending, I decided to be honest and tell her, I too wanted to try things again but that I was hesitant because things would be difficult from everything that happened and I didn't know if we could ever get back to where we were.

That's when she hit me with, "I still don't want to be in a relationship with you". She went on to talk about how she missed having me in her life, and wanted to see me, but wanted to stay single? She said she wanted us to be with each other, but right now she needed "time on her own". Not friends, but not in a serious relationship? People that dated, but didn't talk about other people they were dating to each other? After all the "I want to try things again" and "I miss you" messages and texts.

She then said me bringing up this discussion at all ruined the evening. She kept repeating that she did not want to be in an exclusive relationship right now but wanted me in her life. She tried to spin things and say that my saying that things would be difficult if we tried again and that there was not a good chance of us working made her too upset and that she couldn't see me anymore. She said that if I didn't like this, the only person who was at fault, was me?

I'm sorry but am I crazy? Or is this girl just completely and majorly toying with my emotions? She "loves me" and "wants to try again" when I don't want to be with her and then "want's to be single" and "doesn't think we should see each other" when I do?

I guess she is right, I am at fault for constantly going back and believing her when she tells me she loves me and misses me only to be rejected over and over again. I wouldn't wish this turmoil and pain on my worst enemy.


So here is to day two of NC again. Even when you think you are out of it after a month, it starts all over again with the crazy dreams, being all you can think about, immense sadness and feelings of complete lonliness in the world. At this point I don't know what to do, go see a shrink? Maybe there is something wrong with me, when one person can single handedly make you love life and think that the world is great when you believe that you are going to be together again, and then hate waking up and feel like there is no hope when they don't want to be with you?

I just don't understand how someone can go from "i love you", "I want to be with you", "I want to start over" and then a fews days later, "I don't want to be in a relationship with you"? It is cruel and manipulative, but then she blames everything on me?

She wants a friend with benefits on her terms. She wants to know that you are there when she wants you, nothing more than that.

This will take time and every time you slip and contact her it adds to that time.
This girl is a no no. Stop hoping for things that are not going to happen with her.
Continue the NC. It will get better.

All the more reason to remove this from your life.
The source of your constant frustration & uncertainty.

Who needs that.

Let her manipulate someone else.

NC buddy. Never let her jerk you around ever again.

Don't allow this pattern to repeat itself any longer.

Stop the confusion and the pain by staying NC forever.

Wow guy, a whole month an a half to figure out its over? Not a record, but definitely time to get with NC, and stick to it. You have a life to rebuild that you enjoy.

Yes, a month and a half ago I should have initiated NC and stuck with it. Let this be a lesson because now I am back to day four of NC after a month of starting over numerous times. And each time it got worse. I feel worse today than I did weeks ago.

But instead, I fell victim to the "I miss you", "I love you", "I want to see you", "I want to try again" contact that was coming over and over again from her when I wouldn't respond.

And then as soon as I did - it went immediately back to "I still want to be single".

I want to blame her for lying and leading me on. But I guess I only have myself to blame. It would have been so much easier if she had just left me for someone else. Instead, she kept up the habit of telling me there was no one else and repeadtedly telling me she wanted me in her life. But the truth was I wasn't good enough anymore to be the only one, just a safety net for her. And she did what she had to do blaming me for my own pain in the end. I guess my only solence is it shows me what type of person she truly is, I wish I would have figured it out five years ago and before I turned 34.

Yes, yes, and yes.

Just be happy to know that she will never hurt you again.

You will be a better & stronger person because of this lesson.

It would have been a lot easier if you had not continued to break NC only to be told the same thing over and over again. No one can make you feel bad without your permission. "Hurt me once same on you, hurt me twice, shame on me"

You know the drill, you know you will feel a little pain but you also know it will get better.
Today is a new day, walk into it.
I wish you well.

Hey y'all. It's been about a week since my last post and wanted to provide you with an update.

After giving in to her contacting me and telling me she wanted to start over, but then when I did agree to see her being told she still wanted to be single, I again dealt with starting NC over again. I've been making decent progress. Have kept NC for over a week now, and it is much harder this time? Still very sad in the mornings and late at night - when I think about how at one point I had her as the biggest part of my life and now she will be that to someone else. Thinking about how if I met her today and we started dating, I definitely would have married her before I let it get to this point. It's very difficult to focus on the negative things that happened between us and I find myself more thinking about how I will never find someone better - as I wasn't able to in the prior twenty years that I've dated. I guess it's just because I haven't found anyone else yet that I am interested in, so it makes it even harder as the girls I have been meeting don't even compare to her.

To make things worse, she continues to call me real late at night a few times, I'm guessing when she's drunk, and send me texts messages saying that she misses me. Again, I guess only when she's lonely.

Right now I find myself just trying to make it through the days, but not really enjoying life. I've even taken to joining multiple sports leagues, taking drum lessons again and hanging out with my friends, but none of seems to really matter to me. More of a way to just keep myself busy. It's funny how one thing can affect you so much.

You will have days like that, but you hang in there.
There is someone out there better for you, she was obviously not the one.

You have made it one week, you will make it another. Soon she will get the message and stop her late night calls and texts.
We are here for you.

That's how it goes. Stay busy - and you will start to have a life that she isn't involved in as much and you will stop thinking about her.

Evenutally you will start to get really pissed off that she keeps contacting you giving you the run around, and you won't even think about talking to her anymore. It's normal to be sad in the morning and evenings when your mind is winding down. Just keep yourself htinking about the other things that are going on in your life like the sports leagues and drum lessons. If you start thinking about her, change your train of thought - go for a jog with some loud music or something.

What you need is time - you put in one week - just keep adding them up one week at a time.

Does anyone think I may need psychological counseling? It has been two months since this ordeal started and I am still not over it. I think about my x ALL the time. I try to stay busy during the day and surround myself with friends and family on the weekends but no matter what I do or where I go I feel like I am completely alone in this world. I feel like nothing else matters. I feel like there is only one person who can make it better.

I've broken up with women before even those I've dated for a long time but it has never been like this. Feeling so alone. Feeling like you'll never meet anyone else. Comparing people I meet to her and not wanting to even talk to them because they aren't as attractive or interesting or intelligent. I can't seem to focus on the bad things that happened and can only remember the good and think how I will never find that again.

In related news she called me four times on Friday night at 3am, drunk I'm guessing. I didn't answer and didn't return the calls. That was three days ago. Nothing since. It's been two and a half weeks since starting NC over for the third time.

Fact is you need more time.

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It's been two and a half weeks since starting NC over for the third time.

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A lot more. Counseling is an option if you need additional guidance.

I didn't even start posting on this site till we had been broken up for 3 months, so 2 months is nothing dude! If you cared about someone it is going to take a while. Check out a counseling program if you think it will help, but nothing but time is going to make you feel better. Plus every time she contacts you its like starting over.

I say you need to either block her phone calls or get a new number. You need to go "dark" for a few months so you have time to heal. Or at least change her name in your phone to DNA (do not answer).

Once you make a conscious decision to remove her from your life - things will get better. Until you want to do that - you will keep living the life you do now.

As bella99 just said, you have to make a conscious decision to remove her from your life. You have to want to be over her.
This is going to take time, there is no easy fix to this, but it will get better.

nothing but time like the others said... its been 5 months since I was dumped and I still think about it every day... I also get random texts from my ex trying to catch up or say hi but you did the right thing by ignoring your ex's calls. It is just a set back... you know what you have to do, continue to do it. Keep pushing through the days man

It's a bad situation. This sounds awful, but the only real way I will be over her is if I meet someone I like as much. I feel like there is a void in my life as I have a lot of people who I am good friends or aquaintances with but no one who is always there for me; you know the one person you want to phone when something amazing or awful happens in your life. That is what hurts the most - feeling like you will never have that again.

To make things much worse we live in a small town and run in the same circles. My friends and relatives run into her all the time and then will tell me they saw her out at this bar or this event. In fact, one of my co-workers who met through us still talks to her and does things with her. I don't speak to him anymore because of it but he is friends with my friends and other co-workers so it makes it worse because I will hear about them hanging out from my other friends and have to see him at work. Every time I hear about it, it feels like I'm starting over again.

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I feel like there is a void in my life as I have a lot of people who I am good friends or acquaintances with but no one who is always there for me; you know the one person you want to phone when something amazing or awful happens in your life.

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Basically your talking about a good friend. If you don't have one, why is that?

My fear is you are trying to replace what you have lost, and that is NOT the way to go. Healing is by yourself, for yourself, by building around your happiness, and not making someone else happy.

When that sinks in, you will start healing, instead of suffering.

I live in a small area as well and had to deal with knowing that all of my friends still hung out with my ex. You just need to ask them to keep any info they have on her to themselves.

Sounds like you need to actively make an effort to make some new friends.

It's a bad Idea to just try to replace someone with someone else - you could end up hurting that other person because you used them just to get over the old girl. Plus you will never actually heal and will just continue to hurt. Learn to be on your own and love yourself and being on your own - then your life won't rotate around another human being.

A relationship is meant to be an added benefit to you life alone on earth - not your entire world.

I wanted to provide y'all with a quick update. So I was making it through NC and things were getting better. To be honest I was still completely miserable. I was getting good at not responding to her or taking her bait but making through every day was a battle. Last night I went to a party a friend of mine was having. I walked in and guess who was there.

Yep, Lindsay - the x. In an effort to be cordial I said hello to her as it was a small event and unavoidable, so I tried not to make it akward. We had a brief conversation about her sister and that was that. A few hours later she kept coming up to me to tell me different things. We spoke a few times. As the night wore on, I had a little too much to drink. I'm not sure how exactly it ended up happening, but I left with her and we went back to her place. Y'all can fill in the blanks.

The next morning I woke up, we went to breakfast and she kept telling me how miserable she was. She said that she didn't want to be single anymore and she wanted to be with me again? That she missed us and she wanted to marry me? I didn't reply or say antything, just changed the subject. When I left, she told me that she loved me. Since then she has called twice to ask me to see her again.

So here is the question. Can one person completely change their mind so quickly? Four months ago she broke up with me wanting to be single. Since then she has flip flopped many times telling me she loved me but as early as two weeks ago still telling me she wanted to be single. Now, the opposite? Is that even possible? I know that I may eventaually be setting myself up for a world of hurt again. But to be honest, this morning knowing that she wants me and I have the control - I have never felt better. I am able to function without being so sad or thinking about her all the time. In fact I feel great. How can one person make me so happy? So is it wrong to date her again and maybe things will work out or maybe I'll meet someone else while I do. Or, will that just make things more difficult? I guess what I'm asking is - I've read a lot on here about this "Grass is Greener" thing that women her age go through. Could that have been the case? Or, is there entirely something else I'm missing why now all of sudden she wants me back?

First off, get the "she wants me and I have the control" thing out of your head. It's tacky.
Getting drunk and having sex opened wounds, brought back memories and set you back. I would not start dating her again right away, she still sounds like she doesn't know what she wants.
I'd tell her what you guys did was a mistake under the circumstance and you two should give yourselves some space. Tell her space means no phone calls no text, NC. Suggest you'll see how you feel in a month or so.
You have now set the ground rules for NC, when it starts and when it ends.