Sorry, Im catching up.

You're both cheaters together. Right?

Trying to fix that? And feeling jealous?

Why are guys together? Really?

Have you thought about that?

Someone with something to hide tends to get stroppy, loud, defensive and goes on the attack - as in "you are so insecure"... rather than reply.
So, you are now not allowed to speak (or think) unless the timing is convenient to him..
I wonder how much more controlling you will allow him to do before you are allowed to speak your mind.
Be a good little girl, shut up, and do as you are told.
Or get some courage and speak your mind whenever YOU want to!

Since any response to an issue is biased due to the one-sided information, I'd like to ask you some questions that I think you should roll over in your head for a bit:

If your boyfriend were to read what you wrote here, would he agree with your description of the issue, and the information you are telling us, or not telling us? Are you exaggerating, because you seem to be flustered by the issue still, you called him a jerk in your last response.

Is this a close, or long-distance relationship, when was the last time you have seen each other in person? It seems like you two are disconnected, and are caught up by many issues that seem to be resolved, and then seem to unravel and dissolve due to un-cured insecurities.

When was the last time you had sex with him? When was the last time you made love with him? Making love, and having sex are two different actions. Make-up sex can be just as good as discussing a problem, but is not a substitute for it - it is only as good as a topical cream that temporarily alleviates symptoms.

Are you telling him everything? A major key to communicating in intimate relationships is having both parties "in the know"; make sure he knows what's going on in your mind, don't hide any single feeling or thought as minuscule or large as it may be.

Does he think you are over-analyzing, and in doing so, are you missing important little clues he leaves that he does understand and care, but doesn't want to catch you up in the moment and have you thinking all night long?

You seem to blame him for your insecurities. Ask yourself, and honestly analyze where your insecurities were born, and what causes them to grow, or run rampant. Then discuss what you find out with you boyfriend, so he knows exactly how to help you.

Remember to approach any issue you have with an open mind - remove any biases as best as you can, and make sure you two are working together on the issue, and make sure it is at the very least patched up before you move on to another subject, or end the conversation for the night. Good luck.

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results

I get the feeling that you are curious, and inquisitive, but your boyfriend doesn't like to talk much. All your other post suggest your having a hard time establishing some good honest communications.

I think that most young couples have that problem, and it affects many areas of the relationship, until you learn more about how to talk, and listen to each other.

For you though, don't take everything so personally, and know when to back off. I say that just because he has the classic symptoms of being emotionally overwhelmed by you, and won't admit maybe he can't answer your questions, or doesn't know how.

Go slower with him, with less expectations, and see if that doesn't open him up in time. Emphasis on time, which requires patience, and I think you'll ease into a comfortable way for you both to learn to express yourselves to each other.

Are older men like this? WHen you say young couples do you suggest young in age or in their relationship?

Could age be a factor here? Not only age but your time invested.
It seems to hit a nerve with you.

More so, lack of communication. Honesty. Get real here. You will thank yourself later.

Things that myself have experienced and felt the result of when communication is non-existent.

Be honest & strong with yourself & communicate that. Understand your partner. How best to do that. Positivity and honesty are the rules of thumb here. Understand what the agenda is. Then how.

We all deny and brush stuff under the carpet to not argue, out of fear and hurt or maybe realization of true answers, even from ourselves. But if its important to you and the relationship, its worth that effort.

But, that's up to you. Only you know what you want. Not yet what he wants.

Most people here already know my usual topics of discussion. So, I'll keep it short and frank as possible.

1. Boyfriend and I building trust after infidelity on both sides (althought he seems to trust me more than I do him)-But I only did once, he did twice
2. Before we met he used to talk to A LOT of females, either trying to get a girlfriend or wanting some sexual satisfaction... idk likely both
3. Many of the people on his buddy list seem to be "these" girls; he claims he doesn't talk to them anymore. I was having doubts so I I'm two of them one responds that she and him met on myspace... lets just say his myspace and talking to girls flirtaciously went hand in hand. He was upset by this and I asked why. He pulled out the same old trick " your insecure" blah blah. I asked him if he doesn't talk to them, than why can't you just delete them. He said there is no reason to. Uhh, that makes just as much sense as keeping a pile of old clothes in your room that you've grown out of. Naturally we had disagreement about it. I feel like he's hiding something from me. And yet I don't feel its unwarranted. He has given me a few reasons not to. Regardless, Ive been trying hard to lately.
4. What should be done? What should I do? Its unnerving to the point where I don't want to talk to him

If you can trust him and is having a hard time trying to then "why stay"?

Contacting girls from his myspace proves you doesn't and it doesn't seems like he is going admit to anything.

Part of loving someone is knowing when to let go.

Threads merged

A few months ago I had discovered some photos my boyfriend was sending to this particular female on this ridiculous dating/social networking site. Long story short. I asked him. He started babbling, which was the first indicator that he was lying. Then he made up some extensively outrageous lie that I found to have no credibility. I knew he was lying. But it was like 2 am when I confronted him about it and I was tired so I yielded to my weariness and put it off. Although, I did not forget and I was thinking of ways to get him to tell me the truth. Finally he did about a month ago. Ever since then, trusting is an endeavor I shall attemopt to re-learn it. He already "cheated before" actually both incident happened around the same time Like a few days apart; I'seem to have handled the first incident in a relatively good amount of time. Seeing as he came forth and did not flat out lie to me about it. There is a lot of suppressed anger that is freighted with the whole issue. I really just resent the fact he lied to me about it. I don't know. And things have become increasingly difficult to fix. The worst part is, on several occasions I laid out the chance for him to come clean by saying.. "is there anything else" is there anything you want to tell me? He only told me once I tried to make it all blow up in his face by posing as some girl who wanted to xchange "x-rated pictures with him" I would like to say I believe that he knew it was me as he said, but its like how can I be sure when he lied about sending pictures to that girl in the first place?? Above all else, everything is always my fault because Im insecure... NO **** sherlocke... I wonder why?

Okay, you probably won't like this whole post, so if not just wait for someone else to respond.

You stayed with him after the X rated picture incident, which told him "you forgive and let it go" which meant that you can no longer hold that against him. It's relationship double jeopardy, sounds weird and wrong but its true. You should have ended it the first time

I DO NOT agree with you pretending to be someone else, it's just as deceitful as the liar that it's intended to catch. If you have a feeling your spouse is cheating, go with it. Something isn't right, you speak up. If it can't be resolved by communication, then it's time to walk away from the relationship.

Now you have two choices, stay with him and continue to allow yourself to be made insecure by this internet cheater which may grow into an reality cheater, or walk away.

My choice, run the other way

Well, I don't agree or disagree with your post. I'll just take it for what it is. But I must mention the physical cheating was a one time thing, and the sending pictures to a girl after talking her up was probably a 2-3 event; in short it happened once. It wasn't continuous.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by j_ely823

Well, I dont agree or disagree with your post. I'll just take it for what it is. But i must mention the physical cheating was a one time thing, and the sending pictures to a girl after talking her up was probably a 2-3 event; in short it happened once. it wasnt continuous.

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Don't make excuses for him.

Dump him already!

Sarah

So are you going to allow him to continually do this? I mean that's 4 times he has cheated that you have allowed him. Cheating for me, and a lot of other people is a one and done thing. They have a strong habit for repeating, which it seems he is doing

When someone has cheated, trust is broken. No trust = no relationship. If you can't trust him, leave him.

Two choices:

1) Do you really want to continue a relationship where you are constantly insecure and just waiting for the next time that he cheats on you?

2) Or would you rather dump this cheater. Learn from this experience. Then find someone who's not going to cheat on you and treat you with respect?

I vote for 2).

CRAP! I'm gone for 2 months and I forget to click the wrong one. I tried to just be lazy and hit "Tab" down and I guess I didn't hit TAB twice.



I'm sorry.. I love you!. I'll make up for it...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

CRAP! I'm gone for 2 months and I forget to click the wrong one. I tried to just be lazy and hit "Tab" down and I guess I didn't hit TAB twice.



I'm sorry..I love you!...I'll make up for it.....

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Off topic but that made me laugh. I love you! Ha...

I got this mental image:



Sarah

Now you are asking about an internet affair?

You both have cheated (Him-2; You-1). You don't communicate. You don't trust him. He shuts down and gets defensive. AND a whole lot more according to other questions you've asked.

The more I read the more I have to ask:

WHY are you still with this man?

Not to mention, what's next and can we get it all in one thread?

I may get slammed by people here but you overstepped a line by going on HIS buddy list and contacting people on his buddy list. There is nothing positive that could come from that, you either get your own satisfaction from feeling better if they don't know you or you embarrass him because his girlfriend is contacting people from his myspace. Or let's say, you didn't know who it was and you contacted them, it turns out to be his boss? How do you think that would make him look.

No trust, no relationship. It's plain and simple

I don't agree with him and his ways, but you weren't innocent in the matter. It doesn't matter how many times you cheated compared to him. Infidelity is infidelity, no other way around it. If you can't communicate then there is no point to being in a relationship

If I had the power to do the merging(hint hint JK) I would, I know Tal will come along and do it soon enough.

This relationship is beyond broken, the OP needs to realize that

Since the threads have merged now it makes more sense now.. to break up!

Unless of course BOTH you and him WANT to work out the relationship with a counselor.

In my opinion this relationship should have been over a long time ago.

Time to move on.

Sarah

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mudweiser

Since the threads have merged now it makes more sense now.. to break up!

Unless of course BOTH you and him WANT to work out the relationship with a counselor.

In my opinion this relationship should have been over a long time ago.

Time to move on.

Sarah

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Its so heartening to see this forum's regular people take so much effort in addressing the prioblems of someone in pain and confusion.Seriously,you guys and gals,you rock totally and I really thank my lucky stars I found you all out when I needed you the most.

But yes j_ely,there's a lot of thinking you need to do about this relationship you are in.If someone is forever coming back to you with shrink-talk about YOUR insecurities and not being able to DISCUSS issues maturely and instead acts DEFENSIVE and tries to make you feel GUILTY about trying to sort things out,then there's definitely a liot of ATTITUDE issues that need to be dealt with first.A lot of analysis,finding ways and means to get through to him,allowing him to come to you than you having to always take the lead and so on and so forth.Are you ready to take on so much stress in your relationship?Are you prepared to deal with his cheating ways,willing to give a LOT of TIME and PATIENCE to make this relationship work?

Update; So yesterday I wasn't quite able to communicate to him exactly how everything was making me feel and he got a headache, so I let him go to sleep. As a means to alleviate all the issues that arise regarding his internet/computer usage and talking with others, he attempted to modify his contact list, which by the way wasn't enough, but I appreciated the effort. I told him so as well. Anyway, I just feel like he doesn't understand what his lying and cheating has done to our relationship. Its not that it can't be fixed its just he needs to put A LOT of effort into it. Whether he's capable of doing so I don't know... I guess I should work with a time frame?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by j_ely823

Anyway, i just feel like he doesnt understand what his lying and cheating has done to our relationship. Its not that it can't be fixed its just he needs to put A LOT of effort into it.

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Remember that you have to work on it too. He isn't the only one who messed up so it is unfair to make him do all the "fixing".

I know, but if you read the other post; its like a 2:1 situation and he seems more prone to fault or something, I'm not sure why; I don't even really have to try to keep from doing anything wrong, and if I do, I realize it and apologize. But, just recently, I asked him a question for assurance, and he replied as if he didn't want to answer it or like he didn't care. And even if we do split; he said he will hate me for a while and not want to talk to me unless we are in a relationship again. I don't understand that because he says he loves me and I'm most important to him, yet I don't agree with that attitude. I feel the same way in terms of loving him as a person, but I would like to remain friends... =/

Quote:

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Originally Posted by j_ely823

And even if we do split; he said he will hate me for a while and not want to talk to me unless we are in a relationship again.

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Everyone deals with a split-up differently,this is just his way of a N/C
You two really should find better things to talk about than what if's.

With your rationale it's no wonder why he has a headache. I don't care if he has cheated 30 times and you have only once, cheating is cheating. There is just as much damage done regardless. You continue to rationalize your cheating by his number of times. He tries to compromise with his contact list, and still you aren't happy.

People may get mad at me for this, but I'd be gone. If you cannot compromise in a relationship, then you don't belong in one. It's 50/50 not any other numbers.

I know compromise is necessary. But my question would therefore be, what are we compromising?

I don't know everything in the relationship so I can't say. He tried to do something with the buddy list, and now you still aren't happy.

Ok. Well for instance, I don't drink anymore, I don't smoke anymore. I don't hang out with guys alone anymore. These are all things I yielded into doing so he would trust and be comfortable with me. Only when I brought those things to his attention did he concede his efforts in fighting me, and decide to do the same thing. What else can be compromised on my behalf, I feel like I've done everythng for some reason and he never knows, if I ask him.

J-ELY I just went through the hole thread and re-read it paying special attention to your comments (and I invite you to do the same) I have to say I think you are just wearing this guy out,I actually feel sorry for him.you are very intellegent and have good arguments but good gosh girl let it go.. take some time off from the issues to re-invent the relationship. ALSO
It seems to me you enjoy attacking him at night when he is tired and wants to sleep and I have to warn you that, that is a form of abuse,it's a wear down tactic and is not healthy.chill out for awhile take things slower

When you say chill out, do u mean a break? Ive tried to initiate but he won't accept. How long do u think long distnce can last?

What I'm saying is just reside with him without making a fuss on ANY issues for a little while.
Put everything on hold to give yourself a break.
You know I'm not working right now but when I was there was not a lot of issue solving going on during the week,all I wanted to do was come home eat dinner watch some TV and go to bed.how about letting it rest until you can get him away for a drive,or walk and talk a little then.do you really have a time sensitive agenda to get these things solved so quickly?

No. I think I'm a just letting my OCD get a hold of me; I hate not resolving conflict. Well I guess I just hate when people don't want to do it my way

Well that's understandable and obvious and is why I gave the advise I did,sometimes when you step away from a conflict you give yourself a chance to clear your head and when you come back to it you find yourself to have a different set of issues based on your reflection,these new set of issues tend to be based more on the core of the proublem where as now you know something is not right and you are obsessed with making it better but your jumping around on your issues pick one and work on it for starters

Quote:

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Originally Posted by j_ely823

Ok. Well for instance, I dont drink anymore, I dont smoke anymore. I dont hang out with guys alone anymore. These are all things I yielded into doing so he would trust and be comfortable with me.
.

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These are things that benefit you the most and you should have done them anyway for yourself.how long ago did you do all this?

Not surprising two cheaters not getting along. Hard to build a relationship with no trust, no communications, no willingness to work together. There can't be much love then. At least not that I can see.

Well, I let you guys in on something. I believe I cannot leave him, and I wish to resolve everything because when we are together, just having fun, spending time, and always when we have sex/make love--It is the most amazing feeling. When we aren't fighting, debating about anything--i feel so much love emanating from him, and so I too re-invest it back into him. And if you bo back on the thread... the user named Lstfly... that was him.

And he ask you some good questions too.

Yes... and we both capitulated to some things... but you don't think me asking him to not go and hang out with girls indivually, and keeping women he used to flirt with on his contact list--was proptitious for our relationship? I mean I stopped smoking( weed) and drinking (altogether) when he told he he didn't like that... When I asked of him he made big deal out of it