Your fiance's guilty feeling is a good thing. He has no right to be controlling, and he now realizes that. Why are you not happy that he wants to change his ways?
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Your fiance's guilty feeling is a good thing. He has no right to be controlling, and he now realizes that. Why are you not happy that he wants to change his ways?
This will probably be merged with your other thread. (Technically, that is where it should have been asked). Until they are merged or for more of the story:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nt-441325.html
I am going to quote something I said in your other thread:
It sounds like he is at the point where he needs a partner not a puppy. He needs someone who will help him build a relationship instead of rely on him to provide one.Quote:
You can't continue to live in fear of anyone getting upset with you or what you are afraid they might do. Your fiancé raises his voice and you run off crying. That is emotionally damaging to him as well as yourself. If it hasn't started already, it will, at some point in time, start causing him to walk on eggshells around you for fear of how you will react. He won't feel that he can be open and honest with you or tell you anything negative. It is emotional control over what he thinks and what he does. A relationship cannot survive under that kind of strain. It needs both people working together to be strong and healthy.
I would be concerned that he may be feeling like having that much control and responsibility is too much at his age. He may also be worried that he is turning into your father or mother by controlling your life.
You need to be fair to both of you and not put so much pressure on him to be in charge. You need to take control of your life. You need to be proactive about your health care and your health. Don't make anyone else responsible for making certain you eat or take your medicines (when you are supposed to). Show him that you are maturing emotionally instead getting stuck in a child-like mentality of having all of your decisions made for you.
I have read enough of your writing to know that there is a very strong young woman in you who will not like being kept locked up inside for much longer. You may think you enjoy being submissive to him, but that is only because it seems more stable than what you have at home. Take away the stress of your home life and I don't think being totally obedient to him will seem that acceptable.
I agree Cat, it's just a big transition for me, going from control in every aspect of life to pure freedom
There is still control in your life. Self-control. You only have as much 'freedom' as you allow yourself. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx
Update:
My fiancé is now just my boyfriend. He feels like he is growing up too fast and also was afraid of his dad and stepdad finding out, so the stress was too much for him.
I'm starting to be comfortable with my boyfriend not controlling me.
As for my issues, I am going to talk to a therapist once a week. My guidance counselor found one for me.
Things at home are starting to be pretty calm. As long as this stays calm, I'm fine with it. The second my dad steps over the line, I am reporting it. Right now dad is being pretty good because he is trying to convince my mum not to leave in the summer. She swore we still will in the summer, regardless of how he's appeared to change, because no matter how he treats us now, it will never erase the past.
Thank you all so much for your advice and insight so far. You all have become like a family to me, and I greatly appreciate it.
I am glad that you and your boyfriend are slowing things down. I hope the counselor helps this time. Talking to someone face to face is a lot different than talking to us.
As for the family life, I hope everything works out for the best. :)
Thanks Cat!Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
I hope so too
I'm glad you're still with us, EP. You have a good head on your shoulders, and it's always fun and even enlightening to read your posts.Quote:
Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx
For your mother, there's no forgiving your father? What about counseling for them?
He refuses, and she's been abused her whole life. First by her family, then when she was fourteen and first began a relationship with him, by him. Until now. That's years of trying again and chances.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
I thought the (now) boyfriend broke the engagement because he had feeling for another girl?
Don't make excuses for him.
It's probably not the advice you want to hear but I think you need to just ditch the people who are treating you horribly and start fresh.
It was a misunderstanding Shaz,Quote:
Originally Posted by shazamataz
Turns out he's had feelings for Waffle since beginning of 9th grade. I met him towards the end of his 9th grade year.
I have come to a realization. Though close in ages, me and my boyfriend are in different stages of our lives. Yes, he is a teen and I a teen. However, he is a teen inside and out. He has teen aspirations, a teen's temper, teen problems, and so on. I went through puberty around age 9. I mentally and physically matured much faster than I should have. I may be teen in age, but that's nearly it.
I do not relate to most people around my age, I think they are selfish, unreasonable, and need to mature. The only one to whom I do relate is my best friend. We talk about politics, philosophy, science, ethics, and the economy while other girls our age discuss their new lipgloss and getting drunk over the weekend. I related to teenagers when I was 10, I relate more to adults now that I'm 17. My mother just describes it as I'm a good kid because I've grown up too fast. I have no desire to go drinking at parties on the weekend. I'd rather sit at a coffee shop and talk talk about life.
My boyfriend has been asking me to "tone down" the adultness of our conversations and my attitude.
I am unsure of if I want to continue dumbing myself down like I have been. I am unsure if I want to wait out his teenage phase or look for someone more my speed.
I don't think that you're unsure - your guts are telling you exactly what you need to do. Trust your intuition - you know what's right for you!Quote:
Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx
I honesltly don't know what I want
I want him. I love him. That I am sure of. I don't know if I want to just wait for him to mature or find someone else. I love him dearly
Quote:
Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx
This tells you! You sense that you don't want to dumb yourself down and you sense that you need to be with someone at a similar level of maturity. This is your intuition. If you're uncomfortable or doubtful about something - then it's not right.Quote:
I am unsure of if I want to continue dumbing myself down like I have been. I am unsure if I want to wait out his teenage phase or look for someone more my speed.
I'm doubting doubting as well... It's confusing. I love him deeply.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemini54
My boyfriend told me the thirteenth of this month he has feelings for another girl. Today, for about five minutes until I nearly broke up with him, his signature on his text messages was that girl's nickname.
Ask him in person see if he still has feeling for you (yn) good luck! ♥♥
Wow! Ouch!
You need to sit down and talk to him, ask him what's going on.
If he wants to play games then he can do it by himself. He has to fish or cut bait. If he wants to stay with you then he has to be faithful to you. It's the mature thing to do.
If he has feelings for someone else then he should tell you, break up with you and then move on. He's playing childish games, my 11 year old doesn't even do that.
Talk sweetie. Be calm, be assertive, let him know how you feel but don't start a fight. Just let it all out and tell him you're not happy about all of this.
Going over your past threads I found out a lot of things:
Your 17
You went through a miscarriage
You have family issues
... this is just a shot in the dark here but maybe your boyfriend/fiance has just gotten overwhelmed with all of this--- he is 17. Most 17 year old boys aren't ready for responsibility, some guys can even say "he got off the hook" since your miscarriage.
See if he feels this way, talk to him. He may feel pressured with all that has happened to you and what you have been putting into the relationship for the past year.
I'm not saying poor guy you put so much on him but I remember 17 year old boys, they like to run from responsibility.
...ahh just my opinion.
He is 16
He says he loves me and feels guilty for having feelings for the other girl.
Well hey it happens, at 16, even if you hate to hear it, your not really ready for long-term relationships.
Your still growing, your still learning...
Just talk to him, but if you feel that the relationship is over then don't keep dragging it. I did that when I was younger, I wish I had just let it go.
As for your other issues, do you go to a support group or a teen group? If not you should, it really helps talking to other teens that have gone what you have gone through or just talking to someone in person just helps-- well that helps me.
He honestly isn't like most guys his age. The only responsibility he's run from is the baby
I'm 17, and only want a long term relationship
... that is like most guys his age.Quote:
Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx
Not only was that his "only" responsibilty-- that really showed what kind of guy he was. He ran away from his baby... it's not like he forgot to buy you a Christmas present. He ran away from his ONLY responsibility.
I was there once too, I was 17, I was in a relationship, I wanted it to last forever. Hey I know.Quote:
I'm 17, and only want a long term relationship
I'm not even 25 yet, and when I think back at 17 I'm like "boy was I silly".
Right now, no matter what I or anyone else says you'll stick to your guns.
My only advice to you is to take things slow. Don't rush at things, don't jump on the let's get married boat, if you want to be engaged then so be it. Talk to your boyfriend see how he feels about this whole thing. Maybe even take a break-- sometimes it's better to see where you stand when you step back from where your standing [hope that makes sense]. I know that your thinking a break is kind of scary, that he'll jump into the other girls' arms--- if he does then well now you know he doesn't love you.
Well good luck to you-- take things slow.
Break up with him, he's already moved on. Break up Break up Break up.
He hasn't moved on, he still loves me.
That's it
I'm leaving the site
EMOP, if you love this guy then talk with him and give him the benefit of the doubt until he proves otherwise. Try not to worry . LOL:):):):)
I doubt he has cheated on you, I've seen many cases like this. If you really want to know then just ask him. Tell him to give you an honest answer or you'll leave him. You don't need depression in your life, it'll only bring you down. I met this girl 2 years ago (who I was with for 2 years) and I thought she was the love of my life. For 2 years she was, until she she broke my heart and ed me over, in the end, there is always someone else who is much, much better. And I have now found that better someone (: wayyyyyyyy better. So you're in a win-win situation here, just be strong and confront this issue.
I'm not trying to offend you, so lets not do the drama thing. I know how young guys minds work. But you won't know until you've been through it. If you don't want to break up with him, then be with him, it's not my relationship. But personally, I wouldn't put up with it, I'd say something, if all he had was excuses that would be my first sign and I'd go, no matter how much I loved him. I've done it before. You'll be okay sooner or later. Good luck either way.Quote:
Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx
Sweetie, I don't know the guy but if he has any brains at all he'll see what he has with you. Like I said before give him a chance to explain.
E-Mop, you know that I care about you, I only want the best for you, but, when you post a question you'll get many different responses. They're not all going to be what you want to hear.Quote:
Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx
Do you want people to give you advice, their opinions, or do you want them to coddle you, tell you what you want to hear? If you only want the latter then you shouldn't ask the question. The people here will tell you what they think based on your question. They won't baby you and they won't sugar coat things.
If you're going to threaten to leave the site every time someone says something you don't want to hear, then you're probably better off leaving because that's the way it is when you deal with a site that has over 700,000 members. You're going to get opinions, they're going to differ from yours. You either accept that or you save yourself the stress and move on.
I'd hate to see you go but this is the second time in a few days that you've threatened to leave. I don't play those games sweetie. So either be here, be a member, or don't, but stop with the games. Okay?
I wasn't threatening, I was asking. Right now I'm only on deleting my info.
Why are you deleting? Your story could be a life saver to another young woman!Quote:
Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx
Because I can't take people saying he doesn't care. I know for a fact he does.
If you know for a fact then why do you have so many questions?Quote:
Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx
E-mop, you said;Quote:
Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx
That's not a very mature thing to do just because someone posted something you didn't want to hear.Quote:
That's it, I'm leaving the site.
I realize you're upset, I can understand that, but still, we're here to help. You asked the question, you have to be prepared to get answers you may not want to hear. You can't just say "That's it, I'm leaving the site" every time things don't go your way.
I know you understand this.
Maybe sleep on it, come back tomorrow with fresh eyes, when you're not as upset.
Okay?
Sleep makes things worse for me...Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
I'm going to take a shower...
I'm sorry guys...
I don't know what is going on with me lately... so damn emotional
We hope you feel better.Quote:
Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx
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