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Originally Posted by JDOP

I was thinking about waiting a few days (a week maybe) and then sending something like "your email has been sent a few months too late".

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NOOOOO!! That will only let her know that it still bugs you. Even if your answer suggests otherwise you will still be the one contacting her. She dumped you so that's her problem. You don't have to worry about her anymore, so don't give her authority over your feelings and power.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

A part of me does still want her back, but I have brains enough to not take her back if she wanted to (which I doubt as well). I don't think that I don't want her back as much as I don't want her to be with somebody else.

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A part of you wants her back so that you can end the mystery. We both know that you don't want her back because she's a great catch. You should be happy to have a two timer out of your life. She's somebody else's problem and you have the pleasure of only thinking about yourself.

Perfect answer from chuff! Guess you could even send that now if you wish, id like to see her face then ;-)

<<Don't reply to her at all but if she contacts you about then tell her "I've moved on from you and I'd appreciate it if you would take the adult steps to do the same."
>>

I guess the first thing you should ask yourself is if she tells you that she is back with her ex, does it change the way you feel? Does anything change by her telling you this? If not then don't waste your time. I will be the first to admit that sometimes us women get a little crazy about this he said she said stuff and feel that we need to put our two cents worth in. It sounds to me that this is what she is doing. And she will probably lie and give you her supposed side of the story. I know that sounds stupid but unfortunately that's what we do sometimes. I don't know how old you or your ex girlfriend are but I am willing to guess that your both in your twenties. As you get older stuff like this won't bother you as much as it does now. If I were you I would not meet with her and just move on with your life.

I wouldn't bother contacting her at all.

SHE WANTS to see if she still has you! So then she can WALK all over you!

In one month you will feel so good about this.

I mean, what a complete be-atch for ignoring you TWICE!! Do you really want this imature freak in your life? No.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

She has treated you quite badly and if it were me, I would stay well away. She sounds really mixed up and it is best for you not to get caught up in her drama.

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Right on

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

By moving on and forgetting her, you have already got closure. This could set you back if she says things you would really rather not hear.

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I have no closure, otherwise I wouldn't be on this site asking for advice. All I know is via somebody else. I would like to hear it from her. The complete truth, although I realize she might bend the truth a little in her advantage.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Let her stew and worry about YOU for a change.

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I stewed for a long long time. If she would stew for a fraction of the time I have, that would make me very very satisfied. I hope she gets eaten by guilt now.

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Originally Posted by chuff

NOOOOO!!!! That will only let her know that it still bugs you.

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It does still bug me

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Originally Posted by chuff

A part of you wants her back so that you can end the mystery.

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That's right, I want to get out of this soap opera.

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Originally Posted by rol

perfect answer from chuff!! guess you could even send that now if you wish, id like to see her face then ;-)

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Maybe I will :)

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Originally Posted by kanicky73

And she will probably lie and give you her supposed side of the story.

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I don't know if she will do that but if she would then I am even further from closure than I was before.

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

SHE WANTS to see if she still has you! So then she can WALK all over you!

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I don't know about that. I think the reason she wants to talk is because she wants to clear her conscience and not because she considered having me back.

Let it go JDOP,

You are opening up the door again for her to hurt you.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

I have no closure, otherwise I wouldn't be on this site asking for advice. All I know is via somebody else. I would like to hear it from her. The complete truth, although I realize she might bend the truth a little in her advantage.

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What good do you think this will do you?. Yes, Yes, Closure I hear you say... Personally I think you are punishing yourself and you deserve better.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

I stewed for a long long time. If she would stew for a fraction of the time I have, that would make me very very satisfied. I hope she gets eaten by guilt now.

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You still have so much anger about the whole thing and you have a right to be angry for what she did but two wrongs don't make a right. This is why you must try and let go and move on. Who cares what she has to regret or go through, she made her bed and now must lie in it! This has nothing to do with you moving on and to be quite frank is worthless at this point. I mean all this in a nice way, I just hate to see you come back here and write about what all this is doing to you. By all means vent and write here as much as you like. All I am saying is I would love to see you making more progress and not letting her pull you back. You are strong JDOP!

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Originally Posted by JDOP

It does still bug me

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Right and once she sees this, she will be the one who is satisfied... Satisfied that she (thinks she) still has you.

Don't let that happen!

No Chuff... this gal is going to play with him big time.

NOT saying anything says MORE than he could ever say!!

It's says - I don't need you, not on your terms, you're not the only gal in my life, I am busy, YOU wanted this - not me, I AM NOT NEEDY!! I am not about to go running back to you and what we ahd.

I agree with Wildcat + I would not be surprised if she gets some kind of ego boost by knowing she has you!

I would stay far away! Why would you care how she feels or what she thinks after what she did to you..

The best revenge you can get (if that is what you really, really want) is to move on and live a happy life without her!

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

No Chuff....this gal is going to play with him big time.

NOT saying anything says MORE than he could ever say!!!!

It's says - I don't need you, not on your terms, you're not the only gal in my life, I am busy, YOU wanted this - not me, I AM NOT NEEDY!!!, I am not about to go running back to you and what we ahd.

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I agree this girl is a game player and a user. I agree that he shouldn't contact her. But he said or asked what to do if she contacts him. I was just saying what he could tell her to go away, because she sounds like the kind of person that will continue proding him and he seems like he could easily get caught up in this game. Actually he is caught up in this game so I guess I was trying to give him an out that was direct with her.

No contatc with her. Don't let her contact you.

You don't get closure. There is no such thing. You'll only have more questions.

You don't do anything to make her stew or feel guilt because she won't.

IF you choose to see her you will be back here feeling worse. I know you will.

Big mistake. Listen to everyone and STAY AWAY!!

There is not one benefit I see for meeting her!

Can you give me one?

First of all, don't believe everything you hear "through the grapevine." That said, there's probably no harm in hearing her out and letting her tell you firsthand, rather than having to rely on the "grapevine." It all hinges on how important is it for you to know the truth? What's done is done ; the how's and whys are just details. Not essential, but if you want to know, then go for it. Otherwise, let it hang and forget about it. It's really up to you ; there's no right or wrong answer to your question.

I'm going to play devil's advocate for a little bit, because I don't agree that no contact is the best means of self healing. First I ask, if she's immature for ignoring you, is she not practicing no contact herself? In which case, that makes no contact an immature way of handling the situation. I believe that as civilized adults, you should answer the phone or respond to the email or whatever if you want to, and feel like it would do something productive.

Getting hurt, believe it or not, is productive in my eyes. If you haven't been hurt enough to look at this girl and say to yourself, I want no part of her and need to get her out of my life completely, you wouldn't have any problem just ignoring her emails and attempts at contact. If you're not at that stage, the only way you're going to get there is by getting hurt. You don't feel the need to heal when you don't feel like you've been hurt enough. It's human instict to repair ourselves when it's necessary, and the level at which it's necessary varies from person to person.

I find, particularly in my case, that when the person that dumps you is ignoring you, they're running from the problem. They know they caused a problem, and don't want to own up to the responsibility of dealing with it, so they ignore you and hope you go away. That's not healing, that's hiding. You can't hide forever, I've never heard of somebody that breaks up after a serious relationship, then ignores the person they dumped and never in the rest of their lives come back to have a discussion. That discussion doesn't have to be a get back together discussion, but they need to have it for their own peace of mind. Just like if you practice no contact because some people on the internet said it was a good idea, you're going to be left with no peace of mind. You may not always get closure, but you are going to get peace of mind, one way or the other. In the end, I think you're obligated to handle it the way you want to the first time around, which is almost certainly the wrong way.

I still don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like talking to her, but not about the situation with the jerk. I'd rather feel like meeting up, having dinner or something and try to behave like friends. I don't know if that's possible because I still have feelings of resentment and affection towards her. In that case, it would probalby best to not see her. I also have problems about not answering an email with a direct question like that. If I would have sent that email, it would find it rude not to receive an answer. But then again, I don't owe her anything.

<<If I would have sent that email, it would find it rude not to receive an answer. But then again, I don't owe her anything.>>

But would you have cheated on her with an ex jerk without any explanation or apology and ignored her twice and just decide to tell her 2 months later because you feel guilty.?

No I didn't think so, so you are right you don't owe her anythign , not even a reply to her mail. Wait and see does she write again next week, she most probably will as she won't believe her lovely guy is not still pining for her and will probably think that you did not receive it. But definitely do not go and see her now!!

Spot on Rol.. Sorry, had to spread the rep.

Listen to roil JDOP, you owe her nothing..

You are a good guy, so good that you feel a sense of guilt for contemplating not replying to her e-mail even after she treated you the way she did. You just can't understand or even come to terms wityh how someone you cared for so much could do what they did... I am on your level JDOP, I understand what is going on in your mind (for the most part).

Like I said before, meeting her will do nothing but cause you more pain. If you don't believe me, then listen to Skell. People here are giving you advice that is best for you. If for one second I thought meeting her would help you, I would be advising you to do that, but I don't believe that it will help... Not for a second.

And... I think she wants to know if she still has you!

You owe this gal nothing. Nothing.

Being rude is not acknowlwdging you in public. Did you already forget that??

Hello??

Move on. This gal is looking for a massive ego boost.

Hiya,

Being a bit further forward now with my progress. I would say don't contact her. Yes, I thought all the same things you are thinking, I still do. I feel a bit stronger now though, and I really don't think it is a good idea to contact her, people like this are selfish, they really don't have a clue believe me. Don't let her think she has the power over you, by contacting her. I would just delete emails from her, delete everything you have contact wise if it helps. This will help you, otherwise, everything will move on but you will still be stuck a few steps behind. Believe me you will feel better for it. I know I used to kick myself when I sent a text or called for no reason. Especially if you get no reaction, or a horrible reaction, both of these were ghastly. You just feel so low. You have come far, stay strong : )

That's it exactly WAP!!

It hurts to not respond while it would be unwise to respond. This is a lose-lose situation. If I don't respond then I don't have to expect anything else from her. The last 2 months I have essentially been waiting for her to contact me (like all the other dumpees on this forum). Now that she does, it seems unlogic to not do anything with that. It feels like I am missing an opportunity. On the other hand, seeing her will probably set me way back. I was thinking about sending a polite honest mail that says I don't want her to "clarify" things, but if she wants to talk to me in the future, she's free to contact me.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

This is a lose-lose situation.

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No it isn't! You are in a win/win situation if you don't contact her. You will be able to move on and find someone who deserves you. You only think it is a lose/lose situation because you have held out the false hope for 2 months like many others do.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

If I don't respond then I don't have to expect anything else from her.

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Exactly.. All the more reason to not contact her. You owe her nothing! Nothing!!

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Originally Posted by JDOP

The last 2 months I have essentialy been waiting for her to contact me (like all the other dumpees on this forum). Now that she does, it seems unlogic to not do anything with that. It feels like I am missing an opportunity.

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An opportunity to get hurt again perhaps, an opportunity to take a few steps back perhaps, an opportunity to let her know she still has you perhaps.

Perhaps even an opportunity to stroke that ego of hers one more time.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

On the other hand, seeing her will probably set me way back.

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Yes it would.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

I was thinking about sending a polite honest mail that says I don't want her to "clarify" things, but if she wants to talk to me in the future, she's free to contact me.

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Again, by doing this, you would be letting her know that she has control of the situation and control of you!

You are just too good for your own good mate!! That is not necessarily a bad thing and perhaps I am being a bit of a hypocrite since I have had my times like this too but you must pull away and avoid getting hurt or letting her control you and this situation.

You deserve far better than this.

People Want What They Can't Have!

Always.

If you ever want her back act indifferent

And why would you want to act to get someone back? It shouldn't be an act!

Geoff post was brilliant. Listen to him. He knows.

It will set you back and you are holding onto false hope still. That's what we do. I did it, geoff did it, everyone we see come here does it. You are no different. We just have to beat it out of you like we have the others. You will see soon enough and pretty soon you'll be beating it out of newbies that come here with the same false hope you have!

I thought about this for a very very long time, and I talked about it with many people and I still am mixed up about the whole thing. I haven't replied so far. I know I am holding on to false hope. I still have feelings for her I guess. By false hope I mean the tiny possibility that all the things I heard are are in fact all gossip.
The thing that strikes me though, is that all the things wildcat etc. predicted here become reality. For example no contact as a mean to make her miss(?) (contact) you. Is the human psyche really that predictable?

Right now you are in control jdop, doesn't that feel good?

<<Is the human psyche really that predictable?>>

Human psyche , maybe...
But girls definitely! ;-)
So don't reply! Wait for her to contact again.

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Originally Posted by rol

Right now you are in control jdop, doesnt that feel good??

<<Is the human psyche really that predictable?>>

human psyche , maybe ...
but girls definitely!! ;-)
so dont reply! wait for her to contact again.

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Take it from Rol, she knows how the female brain works because she is one. She is also a very wise lady from some of the advice she gave me in the past...

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Originally Posted by rol

human psyche , maybe ...
but girls definitely!! ;-)

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You're not really flattering yourself are you :)

It doesn't feel like I'm in charge though, and it certainly doesn't feel good.

Ha ha I'm not really , am I;-)
Well I wouldn't call myself a typical girl now , but I do know how I was and girls are in the 20s!!

Hi. Some people know my story. It is a story about a heartbreaking break-up, combined with lying, deceit, false hope etc. If you are interested you can read my previous posts. It has been 3 months since the break-up. The first weeks (month) I was a complete wreck, suffering from anxiety attacks, weight loss etc. The months following I slowly recovered and I can say that my life is "back on track". I took up old hobbies (guitar), I gave up drinking, I go out to new exciting places with new people, I work out... Even more, since she is gone, I can say that my life has become more interesting and more busy.
However, I still think about her all the time. I miss her more than words can describe. I miss her when I wake up, and when I go to sleep. I dream about her, about us. I dream haviong sex with her, I dream about talking to her like we used to, I dream about fighting with her. " weeks ago I received an email from her, saying that she wanted to clarify things (about her involvement with a former ex). I try to pretend I am a really tough guy so I didn't respond. I pretend like I don't care. I pretend like the past 2 years didn't happen. I pretend like I go on with my life, that I'm better of without her.
The truth is, that I'm not a tough guy at all. I am realistic enough to understand that things will never be like they used to between us because I would blame her for what she did to me. But if she was on my doorstep tomorrow, asking to make things right, there wouldn't be any doubt in my mind.
I am 3 months down the line now. And I thought the pain would have faded a lot by now. That I would have lost interest in it. I haven't at all. Is this normal? What can I do to make it go away. What can I do to make me want it to go away?

Some times it takes a year.

This is like when someone dies - it's grieving process. 2 years is a long time to be together.

Do you date other women - that's key.

Or do you plan to contact her?

One question though - did she lie or cheat?? It sound like both. Yu can never get back together with either of those.

I have found that part of the reason the pain stays is because we often welcome it. We allow thoughts to remain in our mind, keeping them fresh. We can say we don't want to think about these things, but we do even if it hurts because it allows us a glimpse of what used to be. The brain in conjunction with the heart can be a powerful thing. We have to decide. We have to choose to move on and really mean it. If we're just going through the motions (i.e. no contact) but our heart is still in it, then it's going to drag. When and if we decide that we will get past this and learn to accept it, not forget it, then we will take no prisoners and do what is necessary to take us to that next step.

It's normal for us to think about that person from time to time, but not at every waking moment. That only tells us that we're not engaging our mind in other useful things, like life.

Mom - great answer once again. So ture.

Dude I had to respond to this because I feel like I could relate to you at one point. You think about them all the time and even though you guys are broke up and its been awhile, time is standing still for you like you are still with that person and those dreams haunt you and you wake up with the saddness that they are gone and they aren't coming back. I went through the same stuff and I know how torturous it can be. It was a viscious cycle that I thought would never end until it does. And you can honestly try as hard as you want to think about other things but your mind is going to keep wondering back to her until your body says it is time to let go. Here's how my process worked, and it would probably work for you: You are doing things now to make yourself a better person, and people are going to start wanting to be around you because you are a cool person. And at first your going to think, man I wish she could see me now, and see all these changes I've made and how all these people think I'm great. And that will set you back a bit because you want to show her that you are good enough for her. Hopefully you can wait this out though and realize you know what, I'm just great without her and these new people I'm hangin with are pretty cool. If she decides to check on me down the road then good for her, and if she doesn't its her loss. Sooner or later another girl is going to catch your attention and viola that ex is a distant memory and you'll laugh at how upset you got over this whole thing! Hope this helps!

Oh and one more important thing, that nobody ever, and I mean ever talks about on here. And some of the women might not appreciate this because I don't think that this applies to them so much. But the one thing that you can't do when your suffering like you are is masturbate. For one, it probably makes you think about the ex and 2. If your getting loving at home, your not going to have any desire to go out and meet any women. Pen it up for a few days and your body will start thinking, man, I need some loving, and going out and meeting new women will become a natural physical priority. Once again the ex goes viola. If you don't believe me, try it!

There are loads of people that can sympathise with you here. I am 7 months down the line. 3 months down the line is still early days, you are doing well. There is not really anything you can do to speed up the process of getting over someone. Yes, you can keep busy etc, but you will have dreams, thoughts, bad days and good days. It is like phase of different things that have happened to me grief, panic, dreams, regret... you name it, I have felt it. I feel particularly bad at the moment, these past few days. I have never loved anyone apart from this guy as much as I have, I miss him so much it hurts me inside. We just have to try and stay strong, I ask myself the same things as you, how long am I going to feel like this? What does the future hold? It is best to take one day at a time, but plan treats for yourself, have fun.

JDOP, There is nothing wrong with you.. Trust Me!! You are handing this situation very well indeed. You are doing all the right things, keeping busy, e.t.c. In fact, there is nothing I can see from what you write that you are doing wrong. I am 5 months down the line and I still have my days like wap no matter what I do. Wildcat is right, it can sometimes take a year.. My sister took a whole year to get over one of her ex's and she did everything right. I think it sometimes depends on what kind of person you are and it does not mean there is anything wrong with you, it may just be driven by what type of person you are and how you deal with grief. You should not be concerned by time, and feel that there is a target of how long it should take before you are over it. I never looked at all this when I began my journey of moving on by saying "right, in 6 months I will be over this" because it does not work that way. I expect you have not said this to yourself too...

You cannot switch your heart and mind off, you were obviously in love with the woman, and again Wildcat speaks wise words.. It is like someone has died, it is just like that because you still go through a process of letting go of a person. What can sometimes make it worse is that the person you are letting go of is still out there, and this gives you false hope and drags the process on and on.. I can tell you hand on heart, I know exactly what you are going through, exactly and it is torture, it makes me feel like I never want to love anyone ever again because I am scared of this pain. You can't shut yourself away from people though and in time, no matter how long it takes, 6 months, 12 months or whatever, you will let go, you will move on and you will find love again or it will find you.

Forget time, and just let the process flow through you..

Right now, as much as it makes sense to let go, you can't. Right now you're still thinking of no contact is something you don't want to do, because in your heart, you still feel you can make things right, and all that she's doing is hurting you right now. Your mind knows it won't ever be the same, but you can't convince your heart of that. You need to stop focusing on how she's hurting you, and focus on how you're hurting her. Time and silence are your weapons, and they work pretty well. They're not there to bring her back, they're there to make you feel better for the time being. Once you lock yourself in the mindset that you're still capable of hurting her, you'll feel a lot better. Eventually you'll make the natural transition from attacking to defending, and that's when it stops consuming you.

Personally, I surrounded myself with women that need a lot of help with their current situations. Ones with bad breakups to get over or can't figure out how to get men. Then you get to dispense all the wisdom you learned from this, and if you're lucky you'll get some action. Or a neat gift on your birthday.

One thing I had trouble with for at least a couple of months was blaming myself. I punished myself by saying it must have been something about me, maybe I was not good enough, it was all me and not her, how could it be? She was perfect in my blurred eyes. I only realised after time that sometimes, people make choices for themselves and her choice was mainly about her and her desire to experience a single life or a desire to meet and date other people. That does not mean she is to blame either but it does mean that I was falsely blaming myself for something that was mainly out of my control. Where I am going with this is that quite often the dumpee blames themselves and sometimes it is not their fault that the relationship failed.

The only time you should really blame yourself is if you hurt the other person by cheating or you were abusive in any way. That is when you are to blame..

That you came here to vent and not broken The no contact or done something dumb is a testament to your progress. You are on the right path.

[QUOTE=Wildcat21]
Do you date other women - that's key.
Or do you plan to contact her?

I don't date other women, not that I don't want to, but I'm not up to "hitting" on other women yet.
I have been thinking about responding to her email. As it feels like I am rejecting a hand held out. I was thinking about replying that I hope she's happy and then she doesn't need to clarify things. However, an answer like that suggests that I don't blame her for what she did, and I do.

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

One question though - did she lie or cheat????? It sound like both. Yu can never get back together with either of those

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She didn't cheat on me technically -as far as I know. She had contact with this guy behind my back; she denied it when I asked if she had feelings for someone else.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

One thing I had trouble with for at least a couple of months was blaming myself

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I don't blame myself at all. Myself esteem might be a little dented because she chose another guy over me. But deep inside I know I'm a better man. I look better, I'm smarter, I'm more fun etc... Basically, I blame her.

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Originally Posted by Copperhead6

And at first your going to think, man I wish she could see me now, and see all these changes I've made and how all these people think I'm great.

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That's exactly how I feel. I know I'm a better man now. Maybe too good for her. I guess I want her to see me, not only for the satisfaction (this is what you could have) but I guess there's also a little bit of hope involved. (this is what you can have).

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Originally Posted by momincali

hurts because it allows us a glimpse of what used

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Taht's true. Sometimes I thinking about it on purpose. I don't know why. It doesn't make me feel good but like you said, it like to remember the good times and sometimes it feels like those times never ended.

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Originally Posted by wap

3 months down the line is still early days

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It doesn't feel like that. And some people seem to find it strange that I am still not over it.

Thank you all for your support and advice. I really get a lot of help from it

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Originally Posted by talaniman

That you came here to vent and not broken The no contact or done something dumb is a testament to your progress. You are on the right path.

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I couldn't agree more with Tal. Come and vent everyday if you have too.

I've found this helps me at times, when your emotional one of the problems is you have many thoughts that conflict with one another. Write everything out on paper. It helps as a vehicle to get some of it out and also categorize some of those emotions. Sometimes when you get emotional you start throwing in things that aren't even related to the current situation. Putting it all down on paper in front of you can really help elevate some of those emotional feelings.