Hi sweetie.

You will have good days where you think "man I can't believe how miserable I was yesterday" then you'll have bad days where you think "man I can't believe how miserable I am today!"
It's like riding on the crest of a wave or a rollercoaster, there's so many up's and downs, its crazy.

The stickies on this thread are good, I got a good idea from it. I got the Godfather trilogy and watched them, and it made me feel better for a bit. It's seems silly but small things that take your mind off it help.
Keep busy, tidy up, read a book, watch movies and see your friends and family as much as possible.

The no contact thing will get easier if you stick to it everyday. I know there are some points when you want nothing more than to text him or call him, but you have to fight the urge, because his response may not make you feel better.

I didn't text mine for ages, but he kept contacting me and we got back together, but taking it slow to make it work.

The best thing you can do is keep busy. Talk to people who make you feel better, and don't be afraid to talk about your feelings, people don't tire of hearing it, we just want to make you feel better and make you happier - your friends will be the same.

Aw I'm glad to hear uz have worked things out and I wish u the best! Just make sure he pays for his behaviour! :)
I know ill have bad days! Been going to the gym a lot so that's helped.
During out last txt session I told him that I missed him and cared about him but I'm going to try not think about us and get own with my own stuff.
I said I hoped we could work it out after a month but I am not hanging around or assuming anything. Do u think it was wrong for me to say all that?

He didn't txt back but I feel there was not much he could say. I just think he is really low u know and wanted him to know I care! But I'm def going for the nc I'm not going to cave cause it makes me feel rubbish when I do!

You should stop contacting him. He knows how you feel now, you have made your feelings clear, now you need to take a step back and let him come to his own decision.

When you go out, leave your mobile phone at home unless you absolutely need it.
That helped me, because I would only be checking it every 5 minutes otherwise.

Yeah you are absolutely right. I feel like a weights been lifted in a way because I now feel I have said everything I could! So if I text again it would seem rather pointless.
I now need to step back and let him come to terms with his feeling. I'm still thinking about what he is doing and feeling but I'm sure that's normal.
That a good idea about watching movies! I'm doing that this weekend with my friend! No romantic comedys though! :)

Had s hit day at work which has made me miss him so much!
But no contact!

Keep up the no contact, it does get easier.

How long did u have nc contact with your ex before you got back? And when he text you did you text back?

I kept No contact for a week, although during this time, he was texting me - I didn't reply.

The only time I replied was when he asked me back. I replied "did you just ask me out?" and he called me.

Not replying to his texts was the hardest thing I ever did, but I'm glad I did it. He said the no contact made him see how life was without me and he didn't like it. He said every argument we ever had seemed so ridiculous compared to the hurt he felt when we were apart.

But the thing is, this doesn't always happen with everyone. Most break ups are just that - I just don't want you getting your hopes up to have them shattered again because you seem like such a lovely person!

Aw thank you I know I can't get my hopes up
I need to toughen up a bit
But its so hard!

I think I'm finding it hard cause if I believe him and his friends its nothing to do with our relationship its because he is down about his lack of a career!
But I need to stick to NC. Did you only text back when he text what you wanted?

That was part of the reason for our break up - he was down about his job and some home problems, and instead of opening up to me about it, he pushed me away.

I didn't reply to him at all until he text me asking me back. I wasn't going to let him break my heart, then still be able to get my advice and support. I felt he needed to see the picture without me in it, so he could make an informed decision.
It hurt like hell, but I looked at it as a break up rather than a break, it made me deal with NC better.

Yeah that's a good idea maybe the whole month thing is unrealistic! He has not text me or anything but if he every does I
Won't reply until I hear what I want to type thing!

Ok so I read the so you want another chance and going to do my best to follow it. One thing it pointed out is that if someone is feeling rubbish about themselves they struggle to feel happy about anything else!
Is that's what maybe happened here? My ex says he feels like a failure and will only bring me down. So can he not love me because he can't love himself?

Do you think if he starts to feel better about himself he will feel better about us?

Sorry for going on guys I feel I need to post it here or ill blow and txt him

Only he would know that but the process of him feeling better and being happy with himself is a long and hard one. How he feels about his whole life after that is any ones guess. That's why waiting for that to happen is false hope, and a waste of time.

When a persons feelings about himself changes, sometimes his feelings about you will change also.

He says his feelings for me has not changed? Is that guilt talking

Do his actions match his words??

I see what your saying so his feelings have changed?

Or his actions. Sometimes when we are down, we really don't know what's changed, or how much. He needs the time to figure it out, which no one can tell how long.

We sometimes only hear what we want to, without looking deeper at the bigger picture, and that false hope is what we make a mistake with.

That's the thing I have sat down and thought really hard what happened where did it go wrong why did it change and there was nothing as far as us were concerned. Yes I knew he was unhappy with his job and prob his self images but not us!that's what driving me mad! Sigh

I feel like I'm freaking out trying to figure out the whole month thing! Why won't this feeling just go away!

It will go away when you let go of all the analysing-thats keeping you in limbo when you need for your own sake to move on. You re holding on to what Tal so aptly calls false hope- and its not doing you any favours.
If you sit around for another two weeks waiting for your ex to magically realise that you should get back together that's another fourteen days of your precious life spent on hold for something that may not happen.

I agree, you can't sit and analyse everything. You just have to move on with your own life, otherwise, you will go insane.
Like you say, you don't see where it went wrong between the two of you, so you should be happy that it wasn't you personally that was the problem, it's him, his job, his image etc. Those are things that you can't control, so there's no point in analysing things that you have no control over! I also don't think that you should sit and wait for a text from him saying he has changed his mind, it might never come.
When you told him he had a month to decide, you might have just given him a reason to get out of the relationship altogether - when the month is up, he might say "my feelings are still the same so we should go our seperate ways", and he doesn't really have to explain anything else to you, because you set a deadline.

All you can do from here is focus on yourself. You are the only thing you can control, so focus on making yourself better.
Like I said, you will only drive yourself crazy over analysing everything.

Yeah u are right so should I text saying forget about the month thing as its unrealistic to assume it will be OK or just leave it?

No don't text him at all. Just leave it.

Yeah good plan! I do need to just open up to the fact that its over!
Feel good today! Hope it sticks though! X

Ok so the ex just text me. I was managing a big event on Sunday and his flatmate was the front man for it! He text saying sorry I know we said no contact but was wondering how the event went? Do I reply? Help!

Don't reply-if he wants to know he can ask his mate!

No don't reply to him at all!
You replying only assures him that you're still speaking to him, and that's only going to make him feel better, and make you feel worse.
Don't text him!

My ex called me lastnight. It was on my house phone so I was unawre that it was him. We had a long chat about how I was feeling and how he was feeling.

He said because he is turning 30, he keeps thinking about what people think about him, That he should be settling down getting married and having kids, but that he is not sure that's what he wants and does not want to waste my time.

I explained to him that I don't know if I want those things and that I am only 25 just out of uni and got a proper job. I explained that marriage and kids has not even crossed my mind, that I'm not sure if it is something that I want or not.

Then we started talking about love, We talked about how we did not know if we were in love or not. I told him that I never felt pressured into having to say that I loved him and assumed he was happy that I was not expecting it from him.

We do this thing as a couple, where we say I appreciate you to each other and for me it was not me trying to say I love you because I think if your in love you need to say it you can't hold it in. But because we were both unsure we would say that.

He thought that maybe I was saying it because I couldn't say I love you, and I told him that sometimes I feel pressure to say it because all my friends are going on about beinging in love and only been with their boyfriends for like 5 months and we have been together 10 and not said it! But that I never felt pressure from him so was happy.

We were kind of both stumped at the end I said we should have no contact for a while and that if he feels like he NEEDS to be in love right now then it wouldn't work , but if he is happy to see where things go then it might. I explained I have no plans when it comes to marriage and kids, all I'm concentrating on is a career and hopefully seeing more of the world.

I told him that we need to decide whether we are happy to see where the ride takes us or go our separate ways as there was no between, as I would not just be his friend.

He says he is happy with that and I feel a lot more comfortable too. I just want to know what you guiys thought? Do you HAVE to be in love after 10 months? Is there set rules? Can you be happy not knowing how you feel but see where it takes you?

Please help!

Generally speaking Id say that ten months isn't a very long time.
There s no rule that says you HAVE to be in love or love after any specific period.
Taking things nice and slow is to my mind always a good idea.
I hope you re feeling better now.

Yeah feeling better now, do u think I have done the right thing by taking time out?

Yes you need it for yourself. Be your own priority.
Concentrate on your career for now and look after yourself.

Yeah I will, so from now is on it nc until someone decided what it is they want?

Good idea.
Good luck.

Is there danger that he just wants to be friends from what he was saying on the phone?

Benson we can't know what he thinks or means. You re better off not trying to secondguess him as it is a waste of time. You have your life to lead and don't put it on hold for him.

Don't make the same mistake many of us do. We base our decisions on the confusion our ex feels, and that gives us false hope. That's why we do NC, to avoid false hope, and confusion, so we can make better decisions based on facts.

His actions are clear, he wants to keep you close as a friend, but doesn't want anything beyond that, and he doesn't want you to move beyond him. Then he has what he wants, but all you will have is the false hope for more.

Its time to leave him alone to come to his own conclusions now, and end this limbo your in, stop second guessing your own decisions and ignore his attempts to keep you in his life, so he won't feel lonely. He is afraid to take a risk to work with you any longer, and won't let you go to be happy.

That's not a healthy situation for you, nor is he a good bet for a relationship. His actions says it all, so no further contact whatsoever is my advice. Misery loves company, and that's not what you want, more misery and pain.

I'm not looking at it as a break I know it's a break up and I feel a lot better than I did lastweek and I'm feel happier everything is out in the open. I'm happy to leave things as they are until I know if I'm better with or without him

But am I wrong for believing him? I mean I'm only 25 but I'm not sure how I would feel if everyone around me was getting settled maybe I would feel pressured too.

What good does it do to want what others have? When you have the right partner you will have it too.

He was honest with you, he doesn't feel the love. That's the fact you deal with. Its easy to envy what others have, and want it, but quite another thing to go through the changes of getting it. You two are just not on the same page.

OK my ex contacted me lastnight. He text saying I miss you. I had had a few drinks and told him I missed him too. Then he asked if he could come over. I told him no because I had people over. He simply said "no problem have a good night". I didn't reply

Then this morning he text saying sorry for texting you lastnight I do miss you and I'm sorry I shouldn't have text (we agreed nc for a month) hope you had a good night otherwise"

I left it for a few hours then text back saying. its a bit long winded

" I miss you too but you clearly are not able to decide if its enough to be with me and that's why you need to think hard about whether you want me in your life. These issues just don't exists (he thinks he is wasting my time because he is not sure if he wants kids, marriage etc) U know how I feel about you so you need to think about how you feel about me. Until then I'm moving on in a way because I also need to accept that you might feel so unhappy with yourself for awhile and I can't wait. I told him that I wished we could get through this together but I kind of understand he needs to sort himself out alone.

Have I done the right thing?

He text back and said he it is up to him to sort his head out and find out what I want but understands he can't just hang around waiting.

He then explained that although it has nothing to do with me he needs to figure out about going back to uni before he can make any decisions.

Sorry to harp on guys but I'm struggling a bit? Do you think he does want to get back, he is just a bit "messed up" ?

HELP!

He seems messed up to be perfectly honest.

He tells you one thing, waits a while, then tells you something different!

To be honest, that's what my boyfriend did to me before we got back together. And that's why I kept ignoring his texts - u don't speak to him for a while, and then you reply, and you're right back to square one.
If you're going to go the NC route, you have to stick to it no matter what!
My boyfriend told me he missed me too, and he said "maybe there could be a chance of us getting back together" - but until he actually asked for me back, I kept ignoring him, because replying only made me feel worse.

You can't keep setting yourself back by replying. You aren't doing yourself any favours!