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Can you take a different route or get a group of friends together and create new memories for those places? Unfortunately, letting go of memories takes a longer than it does to make them.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cristoforo
Going back to school for your Masters sounds like it would definitely take up time and keep your mind busy.
I hope you have a great ski trip. You will have to let us know how it went. :)
Thanks. I'll let you know how it went for sure. I am going to visit a friend out in Colorado. Never been there before so I am looking forward to the beautiful views of the mountains and skiing some great terrain. I think getting away from all this and taking a short vacation will clear my mind and maybe bring some happiness.
Unfortunately, I have been partaking in drinking more than usual. I know its bad. But I have somewhat of a destructive personality when things aren't going well. I've been getting drunk almost every night, and if not drunk, I've gone back to smoking marijuana again. I feel like when I am not sober, the pain is numbed somewhat.
I know this is the wrong approach to be taking, but I just can't stop myself. I don't consider myself an alcoholic but perhaps I should consider going to an AA meeting?
That sounds like a good idea-the relief various substances bring is only temporary and is a slippery slope to depression.
Go to a meeting and talk to people,you'll feel better for it.
The AA meeting would be a good idea. I am glad that you are willing to recognize that you are on a self-destructive path and to get help and support. You know that we are here for you, too, but sometimes the physical presence of others can be a bigger help.
Enjoy the new place and sights and seeing your friend.
Take care of yourself. :)
Yes, the physical presence of others is such a blessing. I've made sure these past couple of weekends and this weekend to make plans to go out with friends. When you are having fun with friends, it really makes you happy and takes your mind off everything, but its when that is over and the friends leave, and you are all by yourself, that you feel miserable again. The happiness of being with friends was just temporary and now you're back to feeling sad and lonely.
You have to believe that those feelings will change.
Because they will.
This is where self-control comes in. Changing the focus from being lonely to finding something more positive. Helping others with their problems can help you get your mind off your own. It also helps to know that you aren't alone.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cristoforo
Have you checked out more of AMHD? The Humor section can be fun not just to read the jokes posted but the responses. It can help redirect those destructive thoughts.
After much thought and reflection, I've come to the realization that the reason she isn't talking to me right now, the reason why she wants nothing to do with me and won't let me see her or even talk to her to say goodbye is not because she hates me and no longer loves me like I originally thought.
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it is quite the opposite. I believe she still loves me and still cares about me. After 5 years, I can't just turn my feelings off like a light, and I assume that she can't either. Like my wounds, her wounds are still fresh.
She is going through the same pain that I am, if not even worse pain. She put the past behind her and let me back into her heart and I betrayed her with my lie. She is definitely not taking this easy.
I was selfish to only focus on the pain I was going through without even considering her situation. I was playing the victim, the dumpee complaining about his girl leaving him and about how hurt he is.
She wants nothing to do with me and won't speak to me because she is protecting herself. She knows what will happen if she lets me in her life right now. After she initially ended things last April, she continued to contact me and we stayed in each others lives, and all that led to what a rocky road of hurt and back and forth, finally ending in reconciliation that was crushed by my actions. She does not want the same thing to happen again. She knows she needs to be away from me right now in order to heal from this and move on, just like I need to do.
And I don't blame her one bit. I finally understand that our breakup isn't only affecting me, its affecting her as well, and it might even be affecting her worse than me. I know she has not forgotten about me. I know she still probably thinks about me from time to time and that she truly does care about me, but she needs to protect herself more than ever now. Not talking to me and ignoring me, and moving to Hawaii is the perfect way for her to do that.
I finally put myself in her shoes and thought about what she is going through and I now finally understand it all. I know now that NC is the only way for both of us to heal from these wounds. Maybe some day down the road, when we are both healed, we can try to connect on a friendly level to see how we each are doing. But I believe that will not be happening for a while, as this healing process might take a while, not just for me, but for her too.
CP, that sounds like you are really trying to heal by looking at the full stage instead of just where the spot light is shining.
I hope you do understand both her and yourself. :)
Thank you. I suppose it is better to look at the entire play instead of just one scene. I really feel awful for hurting her and I can only imagine that she is having a difficult time dealing with this as well.
All you can really do is accept it and make sure it doesn't happen in the future with someone else. She has to deal with her own issues.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cristoforo
It's one of those life lessons. :(
Accept. Deal. Thow away the baggage. Heal. Move on. I know easy to write; hard to live.
Have you tried an AA meeting yet?
You sir, screwed up... what's done is done, don't try to fix it because she is always going to have those same thoughts that you said to her in her head... and she will always think of you as that
What thoughts will she always have in her head?
I don't think westy08 read the whole thread and probably used a word(s) that the censor program deleted.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cristoforo
Don't let concern about what she may or may not be think get you off track. Remember, no stale coffee. :)
Is it OK to cry? I'm supposed to be handling this like a man, but I can't hold back the tears. I break down at least twice a day.
Of course it's OK to cry-at this stage I'd say it's what you need,so don't feel bad about that.
There's no point in bottling up your emotions.
Yes, you are in mourning for the relationship. It is much better than trying to numb it with 'self-medications'.
The last couple of days have been rough. All I can do is keep thinking of her. I look at pictures of her and how beautiful she is and think I'll never find someone as sweet and beautiful as her. It's really depressing. I don't even know if she has moved yet but I just want to send her an email and tell her good luck and that I am sorry for what I put her though and that I will always love her and never forget our time together. It know that means I break NC, but I just don't think I'm strong enough to keep NC going. I know I probably won't get a response from her, but for some reason, I just want her to know one more time how sorry I am and how remorseful I am for what I did.
Stop looking at pictures. Stop torturing yourself. DO NOT SEND HER AN EMAIL. It would only keep both of you hurting even longer.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cristoforo
You have told her how you feel. IF you keep saying it over and over again, it looks like all you care about is how you feel and making her feel like dirt because she is attempting to move on. I know that isn't what you want to do. It is another way it could be perceived, though.
Keep up the NC. Get your head out of the 'photograph album'.
So sending an email would really make her feel like dirt? I feel like I didn't apologize enough and I never wished her good luck. I just wanted to say that I hope her move goes well and that her time there is the happiest of her life. I'm not expecting a response at all. After the email I would disappear and go strict NC.
Why break NC and set yourself back,run the risk of upsetting her to repeat something you've already said?
And looking at pictures isn't helping you either,so stop doing that.
It could make her think that is how you want her to feel. It doesn't mean that is how she will feel or what you intended.
Wishing her well is for you. Not her. It makes you feel better to know that you sent it. It is all about you and what you want.
What she wants is to be left alone.
Why are any well wishes from me automatically not genuine and selfish? Is it really not possible for me to truly want the best for her and express that to her?
I didn't say they weren't genuine. What I said was your sharing your feelings could be seen as selfish. BECAUSE you would be ignoring her need to have no contact.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cristoforo
I forgot to add what is probably a very important detail to this whole situation. I don't know why it slipped my mind but it definitely has something to do with my ex's reaction to what I did.
From the ages of 6 to 9, my ex was sexually abused by her former stepfather. This obviously is something she probably will never get over and will have to deal with for the rest of her life. This was probably why she waited until she was in love to lose her virginity, which was to me.
When I slept with someone else, and didn't tell her and lied about it when she asked, she feels like I vioalted her when we slept together because she thinks I could have gotten an STD and given it to her.
Now I feel as if she feels I sexually abused her her something, and now she views me in the same light as her piece of crap stepfather. This was the last thing I want... for her to hate me like she hates he stepfather. Man, I really hope this isn't the case. I don't know how to live with myself knowing that she might view me in this light. This is going to set be back a lot. I never meant to hurt her like this.
Cristoforo, I am going to ask you for something, please let this go .Stop with the "what if" stuff. It isn't helping you,and is causing you to suffer more than you need. Put the whip away and start healing.
There is no what if. I just don't want to go the rest of my life thinking that she views me like her step father. I never wanted that.
I don't think she does. She did contact you about the dog. She would not have done that if she views you in the same light as that person.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cristoforo
The problem is that by contacting her when she doesn't want contact, you are taking the choice to contact you away from her. You are taking that control away from her.
It is a no win situation for you at the moment. If you don't contact, you don't know how she feels about you and you worry. If you do contact her, you run the risk of setting back BOTH of your recoveries and making her feel 'not in control'.
Personally, I would keep my own uncertainty and let her have the control to contact me if/when she is ready.
What if she thinks of me as she does her stepfather,sounds like "what if" to me. Stop it and be good to yourself and her .
Just got back from my 5 day trip out to Colorado. I thought being out there with the beautiful views and the great skiing would take my mind off her. I thought about her every day. It was so pathetic that I even cried on a ski lift. Also, I had a dream about her EVERY NIGHT I was there. This just keeps getting worse and I don't know what it will take to make me feel better. I thought time would heal everything. It seems to be making it worse.
Time will heal you-but it will still take whatever time it takes.
It's a question of how you spend your time as well.
Apart from work,do you make plans to do things in your spare time?
Are you still seeing your therapist?
Just thought I'd pop in an offer a little update. I've been in NC for over a month now... I broke it a month ago and sent her an email wishing her well but of course, I never got a response, which was expected. So I've been strict NC. Blocked her on Facebook, and I probably should delete her from my phone as well.
I have been going to my therapist regularly, which has worked wonders. The time apart from my ex has really opened my eyes and allowed me to examine the relationship in its entirety. Although it was finally me who broke the trust and lied to her, which led to the final breakup, I see that there were so many red flags in the relationship... perhaps too many.
I know from my initial post in April of last year, and then my more recent post about how she ended it for good, most people probably want to view me as the jerk who didn't care about her feelings, but that is a false assumption and I hope people can see that. It takes two to tango. She deserves some blame in the breakup as well. It wasn't all my actions.
I see now we just weren't compatible in so many ways. Since the last breakup, I wanted to put her on some sort of pedestal that she really didn't belong on, forgetting the fact that in our 5 year relationship, we really only had a little under a year in which things weren't rocky. We fought all the time, we both did immature things to each other, she was unfair a lot, she overreacted a lot, she had a lot of issues to deal with and so did I and it made for a turbulent relationship.
The main point of my post is this: It's getting better! I still have days where I'm a little bummed out, but its amazing that with the passing of time, wounds like this really do begin to heal. To think that I will never find love again or never find that connection with someone again is ridiculous. I know I will. And hopefully the next time I do, it will be on a much more mature level and it will last forever. And this time around, I will know how to better handle a relationship because I learned so many lessons during my last one in terms of communicating how I feel and being honest.
I spent way too much time and energy being miserable about my life and my situation only to realize how pathetic that really is and to realize that I am alive for a reason. I am young and I have my whole life ahead of me. I don't need another person to make me whole or make me happy. Only I can do that for myself!
So that is my goal right now, find true happiness in life without the aid of a relationship. I need to be happy with myself before being happy with someone else in my life. Things are looking up. I'm actually excited for what is in store for me.
Wish you the best of luck!
Brilliant news-I'm truly happy for you.
Keep going and the very best of luck.
Just sitting here a minute ago and my phone rings and it is her. I didn't answer it and she left no voicemail. Over a month of strict NC up to this point. Not sure what she wants or if I want to call her back. It may only upset me more to talk to her. What should I do? I feel like its best on my part to stay NC but I'm not sure.
I feel like its best on my part to stay NC.
I think I may have figured out why she called. She moved to Hawaii last month. I just heard today that Hawaii was supposed to get hit by a tsunami. Maybe that's why she was calling? I don't know. Would it be advisable to contact to see if she's OK?
No.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cristoforo
If it was important, or she seriously wanted to talk, she would have left a voice mail.
It turned out that the tsunami didn't materialize like they thought it would. She and Hawaii are fine as far as that goes.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cristoforo
Keep NC. Let her leave a message if she feels it is important enough to contact you.
Curiosity killed the cat, whoops not you Cat!
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