Until you know what's up why all these wild thoughts and speculations? I know your worried but relax, breath.
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Until you know what's up why all these wild thoughts and speculations? I know your worried but relax, breath.
This morning he calls my cellphone but I was asleep. I called him back and he told me that he didn't get what he wanted and ended up overnighting in a hotel and that he didn't have access to a phone. So I got bothered by this and told him that I don't believe him. He of course got angry and told me that I am overreacting. He says I am looking for a reason to break up with him and swore up and down that what he said happened was true but I'm having a hard time buying any of it. My therapist told me to calm down and not to be so confrontational but it's very hard for me not to be. I'm a strong believer in tough love so this is killing me not knowing if he is telling the truth or not.
What Hotel did he end up at that doesn't have a phone? Not trying to contribute to your overreacting, but let's be honest...
EXCATLY! This is the load of crap he is trying to feed me and I'm supposed to be gullible enough to buy it.
If you cannot trust him in your heart why do you stay? Throwing accusations only makes things worse. When you believe the worst that's what you will get. You need to apologize for acting a little psycho--tell him you were worried sick, after all he could have been in an accident. Continuing to behave in the manner you have chosen is going to drive him away from you. You need to open the lines of communication and let him know how you feel without using an accusatory tone.
A relationship without communication and trust is no relationship at all.
Ber
I stay because I love him and never had a reason to distrust him in the past. I wasn't psycho by the way I just want to make sure I'm not being taken for a fool. Why do I stay with him? Well just before he left I told him that things aren't working out between us but he refused to accept it. I'm really trying here but he knows that things weren't too good before this incident and it just made matters worse.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ber Rabbit
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I am trying to figure out what your both holding onto in this short, stormy relationship??
I bet its intense all the time, good or bad!!
If you have to wonder then he is not showing you the love and respect you should have in a fulfilling relationship. MOVE ON... All hotels have phones, and if you just had the (it's not working out) conversation, then he should have made a point of getting in touch with you. MOVE ON!!
Trust is key. Even if he isn't doing anything wrong, you have to ask yourself, do I trust him. Forget What your upset about now. Think of everything you have been through, all the times this may have happened, everything! Even if a lie detector test proved he is telling the truth, would you be able to trust him in the future about all of this, If you can't trust him, and believe in your heart you cant, then maybe you should let him go as to not drive yourself crazy with worry and hurt him. Think abou tlater on, will this happen again? Will I be worried like this in the future? If the answer is yes, then there are something's you may want to reconsider.
Maybe you need to move out and move on with your life. From your posts so far I see nothing positive coming out of this relationship except more of the same.
Every time we argue my boyfriend brings up my past relationships. How they were not real men, and how they didn't love me the way he does. The very funny part about this is I never once spoke to him on any of my exes. He would ask questions but I don't give him any information whatsoever. All he knows is that exes exist. Yet he keeps telling me about how awful they were. One time I told him that he doesn't even know them so stop talking about them. Then he got defensive and told me that I am defending them. I'm not, I just think he should talk things that he knows. I don't talk or assume I know about his exes nor do I really care, he is with me and that's all that matters.
I don't give him any ammunition to use against me, so I don't talk about any past relationships to any boyfriend! I don't think he should talk about someone he doesn't have a clue about its just nonsense. My ex boyfriend happens to be one of the nicest men I've ever met, it just didn't work out, we even ended on good terms and I know he loved me and probably still does so my current boyfriend has no right to bad talk people he doesn't know its annoying me and he is only making himself look bad.
Question is, how do I shut him up about it already?
Have you told him what you just wrote to us... Telling him that this behavior annoys you and is pushes you away could be a deterrent...
I think your approach to exes is the health one. It doesn't make sense to compare to other people or say that they were the problem in the relationship. Next time he brings them up rather than argue in their defense would it work to thank him for the vote of confidence. To say that they are awful makes them the reason the relationship didn't work not you. I wonder what his response would be then?
He seems way too insecure for his own good. He uses your ex boyfriends as a justification to make himself feel better. Northern is also absolutely correct... communicate with him and tell him how you feel, otherwise he will keep pushing and pushing.
I don't know what kind of arguments you guys have, but do your past relationships even relate to the arguments? If he brings this stuff up out of nowhere, maybe there's something bothering him.
Well... I guess that his point is that he cares about you the most and he doesn`t want to lose you... Maybe there is something bothering him, I really don`t have much information about it.. he might even be a little jealous.. But my guess is that he wants to let you know how much he loves you =)
No, they don't really relate to what we argue about.Quote:
Originally Posted by ZoeMarie
Are you his first real girlfriend? I make it a point not to talk about or bring up someone's ex if I date them... just seems in poor taste to me.
No way, he has had many relationships, I'm in my early thirties he's in his late thirties. He does however have major trust issues because he has been hurt badly in the past. But who hasn't, we all bounce back and become better (well most of us anyway). But I don't know why he would keep bringing up something he knows nothing about.Quote:
Originally Posted by kctiger
You're not dating this guy to find the stuff he needs to get better on. You're dating this guy to identify the reasons you two aren't compatible. In most cases those reasons exist. At your ages, especially his, the reasons you identify are almost 100% guaranteed to be permanent.
I don't mean to sound cynical, I am a firm believer in committed people being able to succeed. But I'm also pragmatic.
You're here posting on the internet because this is probably pretty severe. You KNOW already this is HIM. This is what you get with him. I'm not saying he's not awesome in other ways, but in this area of trust and verbal attacking during arguments, THIS IS WHAT HE IS.
Having said that, he might get over it, but only if those behaviors cost him something. Guys don't learn emotional stuff any other way, for the most part. We learn through loss.
If his inability to control his mouth during arguments caused you look at him, walk over and give him a hug, wish him well, then walk out the door... he MIGHT get it then. Of course, as soon as you come back, he'll unlearn it. So the COST, the LOSS, needs to be real if there's any chance he'll get better.
That means most of the time you're breaking up with a guy to help the NEXT girl have a better guy, but who know, you two might find a different path.
Anyway, simplest of all will be calm honesty on your part. You need to be OK with this guy exactly the way he is. Otherwise you're just making each other miserable for no reason. There needs to be significant reasons to put up with this behavior, because it's mostly going to stay the same.
If those reasons exist, you'll just need to come up with effective ways to ignore his dark side.
If you opt to stick it out, it wouldn't hurt to tell HIM this whole internal debate has gone on. Let him know (CALMLY) you find his childish references to your past idiotic, but not reason enough to toss him out, which was a real consideration. Suggest maybe he not look for ways to rekindle this debate in your mind again, since you do love him.
What were the reasons and what was the perspective outcome you wanted to achieve?
I want to know because I'm thinking about calling a break but my intention is to go the "absense makes the heart grow fonder" or the "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" route. My boyfriend needs to know that I don't feel appreciated sometimes so I'm hoping this last effort will get him to appreciate what he has.
Playing games is for children. Or teenagers who don't have any faith in their ability to communicate.
Adults discuss their problems and seek a resolution or a compromise that both can agree on.
Suppose you say you want a break and he breaks and never calls back?
Then your plan has backfired and you did not achieve the desired results.
Be honest.Understand what it is that you expect from the relationship and then discuss if your expectations are realistic or not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by artlady
I have talked until I'm blue in the face so I'm running out of options.
In my experiences, a break usually means that you are not happy in the relationship and think that some time apart will suddenly change him. Chances are that his behaviors didn't come overnight, therefore will not be changed overnight. If you are going to break for a little while to see if behaviors change, then make sure you hold your ground and don't going running back after a week because you miss him too much. That just shows the emotional and mental control that he has over you.
Just keep in mind that a relationship is something that both of you need to work at if you want it to work. If you're on a break, you're going to do your own thing while god only know what he is doing. This can really lead to both of you becoming more apart, but it can also give you a chance to think about if this is something that you really want.
I think that you should ask for a break. He may be at the point where he has unitentionally taken this relationship for granted. Sometimes the only way to wake someone up to that is give the distance. There is nothing wrong with doing this and it's best to sort these things out before your relationship gets any more serious. i.e.. Marriage,children. You may also find this time to be a good chance to reflect. It may not be easy at first for him to accept this, just re-assure him it is not to see other people. And if he truly loves you, than distance does make the heart grow fonder!
Hi Lovelee
Has your BF always taken you for granted ? Is this new?
What is it about the relationship that you think makes it worth saving?
If you tell him I want a break so he can understand that you are someone to be appreciated,which is also akin to being respected than maybe he will understand.
Give him an ultimatum,either you start respecting me or I'm gone and mean it!
He hasn't always taken me for granted, but he has his time when he does and it lasts for a while. I really don't like to give ultimatums because I fear it will work against me.Quote:
Originally Posted by artlady
Lovelee
*I really don't like to give ultimatums because I fear it will work against me*.
Yes but breaking up or *fake * breaking up may work against you as well.
As you said you have talked until your blue in the face.
Have you ever considered that he is not going to change and perhaps you are holding on to something that should not be kept going?
Maybe he's not into you anymore.Maybe you need to be alone for awhile and truly make a break.
To me not appreciating someone is akin to disrespect and no one should tolerate that.
If you communicated your feelings to him and he didn't take heem to it then that tells you what he thinks about your relationship.
In order for a relationship to work it takes to two. It is about listening to eachothe wants and working on a solution to a problem as it occurs. He doesn't seem to be listening to what your saying or he don't care, even one is bad. It might be going in one ear and out the other.
You can't continue on this way. What does he do or say while your are having these discussions or while your trying to?
He gets angry and tells me that its not true, that I am exaggerating and need to be more patient and understanding. But I don't know what I am being patient for because it still continues. I want to see how it feels to be apart for a while. If I'm too comfortable with it then there's no sense going back.Quote:
Originally Posted by liz28
Then it sounds like a break is in order but understand the condition that comes along with a break. Like you can't get mad if he dates someone else.
Sometimes you've to do what is right for you and if you need time to clear your head than do so.
I agree with the above. Take your break, but don't do it out of spite or to play a game you might likely lose. We've all heard the "I need a break" thing. Make very sure you are serious about this, or it could very likely backfire on you. If you are comfortable with that, then by all means use the "break" card. Just be willing to accept the consequences of pulling that out of your hat!
BIG RED FLAG- When partners are unable to work together thru honest communications, to resolve their problems to the benefit of both!
May I suggest some straight blunt talking and if that doesn't work for you, a separation if you live together.
Be aware, as others have warned you that breaking up can backfire big time, so be careful what you ask for as that's what you will get.
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From your other posts this has been going on for quite a while and maybe its time to realize he ain't working with you very well, and that doesn't seem like its likely to change.
Make up your mind, as maybe it's a REAL BREAK UP you need, and just do it. Don't expect to play games to change someone's mind, that's crazy, either accept it or move on.
Thank you guys for your comments. I certainly have a lot to think about but I do know that I will not request a break, it's either we work on it or we break up, there is no in-between.
If both parties aren't willing to do the work, then the relationship won't survive in the long run anyway. Communication is key, and there are no short cuts. I'm glad you have realized that there is no in between. Hopefully your boyfriend will see this. If he doesn't, you are only prolonging the inevitable.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovelee
Good luck!
My boyfriend is driving me nuts! I know he is insecure but lately its gotten so much worse.
It started a couple of weeks ago when I was invited to a superbowl party given by my good friend who happens to be a woman. Sure men were there and they were focused on the game but a few of us women were talking among ourselves. When I told him I was going he asked since when am I a football fan? I told him it was more like a party type setting for me. Of course he told me that I must be meeting a guy there but when I started bringing up how a relationship cannot survive without trust he suddenly told me how much he trusts me. While at the party he kept calling and calling every 10 minutes. At first my phone was in my bag away from me and when I got it I noticed 7 missed calls! When I called back he was very angry and told me that I was definitely talking to some guy there. After several minutes of trying to calm him down he hangs up. The phone rang for the rest of the night each time he was getting angrier and angrier. Finally when I came home and tried to call him he didn't want to talk. He was mad for days after.
Then this past Saturday my sister invited me to go play pool with some friends of ours, I hesitated to go but finally gave in. When I told my boyfriend where I was going he started up again telling me that I am meeting some guy. I told him excatly where I was going to be and that he can even come by if he choose to. So he got a little embarressed and told me that he trusts me. While at the pool hall he calls telling me that he saw me talking to a guy at the bar. I know it wasn't true but he insisted that it was. Obviously he was trying to cleverly get information from me but it didn't work. When he hung up I went to the bar for a drink when who shall I see but his landlord at the bar, innocent enough but then one of the guys I was playing pool with comes and tells me drinks are on him and he stood there the whole time! All of a sudden his landlord gets on his cell phone and makes a call. Sure enough my boyfriend calls back very sad telling me how he knows that I am there and some guy is going to take me away from him and break his heart. I left immediately after that and went home to call him but he was very angry and told me he doesn't feel like talking and hangs up then I call back telling him that I wouldn't go out anymore to see what he would say. But he says that he wouldn't want to be "that guy". But he is "that guy" and I don't understand it. He is a tall, handsome guy who makes decent money. I know women like him and it kind of bothers me but not enough to act the way he does. He has too much going for him to be caught up in this insecurity nonsense. I never cheated on him and have no intention on doing so. I love him and he needs to know that I am true. Can an insecure person ever change? Or do I need to stop going out to please him?
Yes, having jealous partner can kill a relationship. Maybe he been burned by a woman in the past but these issues are his issues not yours. You shouldn't have to try to prove something to him every time you go out or have his interupting your fun. It doesn't matter what you say or do this guy doesn't trust you and he is going always think there is another man your with or after you when you go out.
If you stay your only going get fed up and eventually leave. I think he needs counselling or space until his insecurities are straighten out because he has unresolved issues that has nothing to do with you.
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If he doesn't do something to change his behavior, it will get worse, no matter what you do. Its up to you to tell him that your tired of this insecurity crap, and the behavior it brings.
As the link shows, your whole history with this fellow has been rocky. I feel its because you do way too much to keep things going, and he undermines your efforts by being a big kid.
Doesn't sound like fun to me, so why don't you stand up for yourself sometime, and stop letting this big baby dictate the relationship into a brick wall.
He has the problem and HE needs to deal with it.
IF he doesn't and you want to stay with him you will spend a lifetime of always feeling that you have to prove yourself. Always needing to justify where you were, why it took you two hours to shop instead of an hour and a half, where else did you go, having to tell him that he can check up on you anywhere and everywhere you go. You will get to the point that you feel like a prisoner that can not take a breath without okaying it with him first.
Tell him to get help!
Doesn't seem to be anything on this link Tal , is it me :(Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
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