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Originally Posted by emopunk7

Wow, now I think about it and she did have a choice. She had 3. She could have gone behind my back or she could have told me she was going out n that she would call me every 2 hours so that I can be okay or she could have not gone. I actually don't think it is my fault anymore. Or she could have sat me down n we could have spoken about what to do if a situation arises even before a situation...She didn't have to do what she did even if she was afraid I'd be mad. She could have not gone and avoid all this but I guess a girls night out is more important especially when she did this before. What should I think? my fault or not?

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So what you expect of a girlfriend is

a. To not do the things she enjoys doing because it makes you feel insecure.
b. To do the things that she enjoys doing but call you at least every two hours so that you don't feel insecure, while you no doubt text her so often she doesn't enjoy her time because she is coddling your needs.
c. Be with a partner who after four years she knows she can't do anything she enjoys because it makes her partner so insecure that it will cause a fight and feels the fight is best avoiding by going behind his back.

How again are you error free in these alternatives?

It is your insecurity playing the biggest role in your relationship. After four years without trust you don't have the foundation of a functioning healthy relationship.

I am not saying it is entirely her fault. We both had trust issues but I respected that and I took care of her feelings. Yet not only did it once but 4 times. Wouldn't anybody be tired of that by then?

What did she do four times?

She went out behind my back 4 times.

So you are fighting in a relationship because you can't trust with someone you already have deemed untrustworthy?

"So you are fighting in a relationship because you can't trust with someone you already have deemed untrustworthy?"

What do you mean?

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

"So you are fighting in a relationship because you can't trust with someone you already have deemed untrustworthy?"

What do you mean?

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Her question was pretty much "you already deemed this girl untrustworthy, so you're fighting about it" As in "why would you even nfight with this girl if you already don't trust her, why not just leave her."

Did I interpret that correctly Justwantfair?

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Originally Posted by ohsohappy

Did I interpret that correctly Justwantfair?

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That was the point I was trying to get to.

You have your mind made up that the girl is sneaking around on you.
You already know that you are an insecure person.
Yet you are trying to get yourself back into the middle of this dysfunction??
For what purpose?

I'm kind of hesitant to express myself right now as I feel like some people are here to bring me down when I so don't need that right now. And these messages bringin me down seem to get a lot of credit. Anyway, I didn't deem her anything. The last few posts you have been putting words in my mouth as if you are trying to get on my nerves. I didn't deem anything. I had hope she would take care of my feelings as I cared for hers. In the end she couldn't be honest and it kept hurting me until I snapped n now we broke up. I admit that is my fault for snapping and it was wrong but she shouldn't have done what she did to me so much.

Any responses please?

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

I didn't deem her anything.

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

In the end she couldn't be honest

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... So she's untrustworthy then, right?

Do you not find it odd that the current is flowing one way and you're going the opposite way? Have you not stopped to consider why the 10-12 people who have continuously posted in your thread have said very similar things?

That being said, you just keep bringing up bad things about the girl you supposedly care about. You've lost trust in her. You criticize her actions. Then you blame yourself for bad behavior. Do you not see that you are over-analyzing all the little details over and over again?

This is very unheathy behavior. We've already suggested to you that you take a time out. Allow yourself to reflect on everything that's happened without her influence. In other words, put some distance from her, so that you can recover. Once you're done recovering, you will feel more objective about the situation. But at the moment, you're filled with mixed emotions that is getting in the way of logic.

If you don't appreciate all the great advice that's given to you, then what exactly do you want? You seem to have developed a fantasy world in your mind on how you think things should be played out. Then you ask us for justification.

We respect that you have your opinion on the matter. Even though we disagree with you, we still find time to help you, because we see that you need help and we care enough to put the time and effort to write you a response.

But you have to realize that we also have our own opinion that is different from yours. If you can't even respect that we have a different opinion on your situation, then I'm sure that you don't really respect the girl's opinion either.

She obviously wants space. Can you respect her enough to grant her that wish? Or are you too selfish for that?

That was a great response I Wish. I guess I am all mixed up. I'm just trying to find a way to move on and if I can see that it is her fault for the most part then I can heal faster. Honestly,when we first broke up I was devastated. I took all the blame. I couldn't heal. I called other girls during the relationship and I yelled a lot and I felt I could have done better. Then when we got back together I finally took her on vacation and we had a great time which makes me happy that I was able to do that for her. She always wanted to be on a plane. Then we didn't fight so much but we would get annoyed quite a bit. I never liked her smoking but when I knew she did I would simply say babe... cmon you don't have to smoke but I wudnt make a big deal anymore. I rele tried. I kept my promise of not calling girls this time around and that makes me so happy! I kept my word and I didn't make her suffer with that anymore. Really everything was great on my part and I was so happy I was able to not hurt her. The one problem though we both had were with trust. I mean a few times I went with my friends and played poker and a few times she went out with her friends but soon it stopped. We were so busy with work and school. But one day I went on a cruise and I found out she had gone out with her friend without telling me... I know you all say she doesn't have to but I always did to make sure she is okay... y can't I get the same treatment. Then I went to Pennsylvania for 2 days and again I called her and she says she is home and I can hear when she is lying and she was out with "stunna". Then when I got to her house 2 days later she got a text and she hid it and deleted it. Then I said who was that and she started crying and told me to leave. I said I can't take that when I'm trying so hard and we have to split but she begged me not to and I asked her if she will be honest from then on and she said yes. I forgave her as usual. Then it happened now again!! I was going to break up with her since this time I caught her and its been an ongoing problem.

But I thought if I did it back maybe she can understand what I go through. Well I did it and she broke up with me and she says its mostly because I left her stranded waiting for a ride for an hour and a half. But I did send her a text saying I don't think I can pick her up but it just so happens that her phone was messed up or something. But that part was not intentional although the rest was. Well whether I did it back n we broke up or I just broke up with her right after she lied again doesn't matter to me because she was taking advantage of me. But deep inside I am sooo happy for not repeating my mistake of calling girls n using everyday to make her happy and take her on a vacation. I am happy I did that. Somehow hanging out behind my back is more important though.

Any responses? Please!

Instead of trying to get new responses, I strongly suggest that you re-read all the posts from the beginning. Everything that needs to be said has been said already. You just need to go through the posts again to find it all.

Yea thank you but I mean what do u think of what I wrote now since I gave u the full background of everything?

That the right thing was to break up.

You are analyzing and analyzing, but you aren't healing or grieving for the loss of your relationship.
The relationship was toxic and is over, you need to focus now on your life, who you are and where you want to go from her.
If you are waiting for us to encourage that this was all her responsibility, that thought process will not benefit your healing process.
What will benefit is knowing that the relationship was dysfunctional and that you have a better road ahead, but in the meantime, it took two to destroy your last relationship, now you have to find how you can grow from this experience, so that you build new relationships with better foundation.

Well that's really not good. I think she's confused or just isn't liking the fact that you work all the time, but she has to realize that you have that responsibility & when you have time to see her she should put you first or at least tell you. I think you guys need some time apart. She needs to realize that she truly loves you & will make time for you. In that time don't speak to each other for like two weeks & if she misses you & hasn't been with anyone else you guys need to talk things through & be honest with each other... no more lies. Hope everything goes well. God Bless.

Editted for grammar

I'm going through a messy time myself but honestly I can see that you're all over the place with your feelings towards her and this relationship. In my opinion just chalk it up as a loss, this relationship has run its course and now is the time to just let it go and consider yourself first and only yourself to work on. Just forget analyzing anything and everything that had to do with the relationship and quit asking people on here for opinions about this relationship because you have gotten some great advice on what the next thing you should do..

Just work on your own life and let the one you had with your ex girlfriend go.

At some point your going to have to learn to deal with your emotions on a more adult level, and replace game playing with honest communications.

I haven't even cried one day since the break up. I guess the first cut is the deepest. Its like when you know things are your fault you seem to miss all the good. But since I did my best this time around I feel so happy for the most part. I feel good about the way I handled most situations. I learned from my prior experience and although I feel I did much better I know I still have more to learn and I am going to work on that now. I have been looking forward to the future instead of the past. I know there is always a rainbow out somewhere. I choose to not suffer this time around. I'm looking forward in being single for away and enjoy all of life! You guys have always been awesome! You all have a good place in my for helping me now and in the past. I will do my very best in staying focused to the future. I will be back soon... thank you!

Take care and good luck.

Well I woke up a little sad because of our memories together. This can be so sad. I am trying.

Your emotions are going to be up and down, weak and strong, but everyday you will get stronger than the last.
Just keep your head up and start worrying about you first.

I'm did so good today... I took a shower and went to the gym then came back and now going to the movies! I'm having fun! I am trying so hard to get a six pack... almost there... will send pics when achieved... is this okay?

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

I'm did so good today...I took a shower and went to the gym then came back and now going to the movies! I'm having fun! I am trying so hard to get a six pack...almost there...will send pics when achieved...is this okay?

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Besides that, you should also think about buidling your career. At the age of 23/24, you are at the early stage of developing your networking and learning from the wise at work. Isn't that more important for your future? ( I am not saying stop dating, just shift your focus on bettering yourself in BOTH professional level and personal level).

So does everyone here think it is OK for my ex to sneak around behind my back just because she thinks I would get upset if she told me, even though I had asked her the first few times to please be honest (and she said ok) and then things would be different and we won't go through this?

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

So does everyone here think it is ok for my ex to sneak around behind my back just because she thinks I wud get upset if she told me, even though I had asked her the first few times to please be honest (and she said ok) and then things would be different and we won't go through this?

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You are still dwelling in places you shouldn't be. Try to move on, otherwise you are making it impossible for yourself to get over her.

You don't need to criticize her actions anymore. Whether it's right or wrong is irrelevant. She's your ex. She can live her own life and you live yours. She's in the past and leave her in the past. Focus on the future.

There are so many things about her that you've pointed out to us that you don't appreciate. Now that you've broken up, you can actually list these things to yourself, so when you do meet someone new, you'll know what to look for in terms of compatibility.

I just want to know if I'm doing the right thing because we have been together so long. But I just wanted to know if what she did is acceptable just because she thinks I would get upset instead of trying to be honest after the first 2 times when I asked her at least try to be honest.

You are doing the right thing because right now you are the only one who wants to work out this relationship and you can't work on a relationship alone.
Past experiences are keeping her from being honest with you and although you may not like that thought, it may keep her from being honest with you. That isn't going to be a healthy relationship quality.
You both have damaged the relationship and now you have to move on, focus on you. It's hard to walk away from a long relationship, but if the relationship is toxic, you can't force the relationship to continue.
You need a new beginning.

She reacted to your controlling ways and after being together it would seem more trust and freedom would have been the healthy course for this to have gone, not less.

When you try to put boundaries on others that they don't like, deceit is what you get. That's a lesson for the future, not to be controlling and insecure.

Yes insecure, as if your worried when she is not there for you when you want her to be, you get start wanting her to tell you every move she wants to make and become a dad, not a partner. Of course she was tired of it.

After all this time, my wife would have done the same thing, had I acted as you did, I think.

Emo, I am not going to comment on her actions in the past. It is now in the past. You are not with her anymore so digging at that hurt will keep it from healing.

Move forward. Get your life on track and someday find a woman that you enjoy being with and who enjoys your company. Use what you have learned from this past relationship to not make the same mistakes twice. Use the communication skills that we are trying to help you build to talk with the future girlfriend about what you both expect in the relationship. Build the relationship together from the foundation up.

Why does everyone say I'm controlling? She told me she was going to a club with her fam and friends and I said OK! I said have fun... She told me and I said okay! But nobody understands that she would not let me go out!! She was super controlling and that didn't make me do things behind her back! I took care of her feelings! Always! So how is it that its OK for her to go behind my back more than 3 times even when I let it slide a few times? How is it fair? And don't you get it? I was asking her to be more honest and she said she would but she wudnt tell me when she was going out... so what was I to do? It was her choice... plus suppose all this is wrong... people who rele care would go to couple therapy and not give up... so please!

Because you expect that she can't go to the clubs because it is your fear that she will find another guy. That is insecurity controlling her to try and keep her under your thumb, so you don't risk losing her.

Your opening post, she did not tell you, she went, you found out by calling her and hearing the background noise. Do you remember the original post? It's at the top of every page.

No... I know she didn't tell me about that night. But one time before that she did tell me she was going with her family and friends... I said for her to have fun... but that's what I mean... she would never let me go to a club or with a friend late at night but yet she would go behind my back so many times and maybe its so that if I don't find out then she won't have to deal with me going out. So I think that's y she hid it... but that's irrelevant... she still went out behind my back and I never did that to her... thats my point. Its not fair. Right? This is my question. I need it answered. No beating around the bush... answer that please.

If you felt it was unfair, you should have dumped her. When you condone bad behavior, you get more of the same.

No, it's not fair.

But it doesn't matter. This isn't about fair, right or wrong, this is about moving on and dwelling and obsessing.

She doesn't want to be with you right now. You have to move on with your life, you don't get to dwell and obsess over her.

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she still went out behind my back n I never did that to her..

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

it has been an issue before. I think we both have to sneak in order to hang out alone with others

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There is also the "payback" to teach her a lesson.

Definition of never: Not ever. Has not happened before. At no time.

"...we both..." means that BOTH of you have done the same thing. Not just her. YOU, too.

Stop rewriting history to suit your desires and look to your future. As long as you are caught up in proving that she was a lying, two-timing whatever, you are not going to heal.