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Originally Posted by vanheart

Who knows why? People can be cruel.
My guess is guilt.

Thats why NC is so crucial. Not to succumb to the BS & drama anymore.

We all want answers, for our ex to know the damage, etc.. But, the more you hear from her, or be in contact, the more pain it will bring. Because at this point you have different motives & expectations than she does.

But at the end of the day, she doesnt want you anymore. So disappear. Let her live with her decision and allow yourself to figure out who you are & who is deserving of you.

Its hard yes, I know, and very painful at times, but way less painful than dragging yourself through more mud over and over. That will make the healing process much harder and drive you crazy.

Block her, delete her, whatever it takes.
You should only exist for those that truly care. Not for game players.

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Yes you're right with everything. I know you're a man who has just experienced it all so I appreciate your advice. Its so hard because I opened my heart to her again and tried in my heart to have her as a friend because of the deep love I had for her and she just took off and left me with more pain. Im so mad I crumbled and IM'ed her back. I truly was played one final time from her. Now I know we can never be friends and I will never see her again. I was so happy yesterday and miserable today. I was just happy thinking I'd see her again. Time to move on:(

Yup exactly. Time to move on.

You can't be her puppy dog that's available whenever she's feels the need.
String you along & get some twisted satisfaction over it.

Once you cut that out. You won't have to worry about those hurtful games.

Rock on, buddy. If I can do it, you can...

What sux the most is that I still miss her. I went on about 10 dates since her and I never even kissed one of them- had no desire to. I compare all of them to her and feel they don't compare.

What if years go by before I find someone that I love like her? Why is it so easy for her to meet all these new guys and so hard for me to meet anyone? I know she's had at least 3 guys she was seeing at one time since our breakup 3 months ago.

Yes it sucks. But that will pass.

Use this as a learning experience about who you are & who is right for you.

Let it happen. One day you will realize that this wasn't right.

Don't compare yourself to her. It will only cause confusion. She can do whatever she wants. No longer your concern.

Live in the moments, not too far ahead.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Yes it sucks. But that will pass.

Use this as a learning experience about who you are & who is right for you.

Let it happen. One day you will realize that this wasnt right.

Dont compare yourself to her. It will only cause confusion. She can do whatever she wants. No longer your concern.

Live in the moments, not too far ahead.

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Thanks... I'm trying to use this as a learning experience. This is only my 2nd real relationship in my life- the 1st one was a relief when it ended so there was no emotions when it ended for me. This is my 1st time I had my heart shattered. :(How long did it take you to get over your ex?

That's a good question.
"Over it" is a loose term.

Its been almost 6 months for me & Im still on the path. We go through stages. A rollercoaster that eventually slows down.

Its different for everyone, but what I do know is with time and work, things can accelerate.

Its all up to you.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Thats a good question.
"Over it" is a loose term.

Its been almost 6 months for me & Im still on the path. We go through stages. A rollercoaster that eventually slows down.

Its different for everyone, but what I do know is with time and work, things can accelerate.

Its all up to you.

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So its been 6 months for you but do you still miss her/think about her/ wonder what she's doing?

I wouldn't say "miss" I honestly realize that she wasn't right and probably never was.

Of course I think & wonder, but honestly, those thoughts don't serve me one bit. They don't make me feel good, so I try to keep all that at bay & after time & work, they become seconds, not days or hours.

That's the key. To recognize that she does not define your happiness.

Didn't before, won't now or again.

Experience good times without her. Friends, family, whatever.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Thats a good question.
"Over it" is a loose term.

Its been almost 6 months for me & Im still on the path. We go through stages. A rollercoaster that eventually slows down.

Its different for everyone, but what I do know is with time and work, things can accelerate.

Its all up to you.

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I'm exactly where Vanheart is. It's been also 6 months and I've done some major improvements. I still think of my ex from time to time, and it does tingle a bit when I think about her, but it doesn't bring me down.

It takes time, but as long as you work positively on yourself, you will be happy everyday. Time DOES heal all wound.

I would say, life goes back to normal (little or no emotions) between 1 month to 2 month (there is improvement everyday) if you apply NC and heal actively.

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Originally Posted by paxe

I'm exactly where Vanheart is. It's been also 6 months and I've done some major improvements. I still think of my ex from time to time, and it does tingle a bit when I think about her, but it doesn't bring me down.

It takes time, but as long as you work positively on yourself, you will be happy everyday. Time DOES heal all wound.

I would say, life goes back to normal (little or no emotions) between 1 month to 2 month (there is improvement everyday) if you apply NC and heal actively.

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Hey Paxe- well its been 3 months since she dumped me. The 1st month killed- couldn't eat, sleep, non-stop thinking about her, couldn't do anything really. Now after 3 mo's I still find myself thinking about her a lot- just not all the time. On my comp there's hundreds of pics and videos and I can't help but look at them from time to time. It would probably be easier if she would leave me alone because her contacting me just reminds me of her.

In 3 months from now I'm sure I'll still think of her a decent amount. I think because being single is so very hard to meet a girl that's the total package- It makes me more depressed. It just seems like with my ex right from the start there was no games... we talked and texted for hours right from day 1:( I'm realizing how it stinks being single because most girls don't want relationships and the real good looking ones are usually y- my ex was one of the few beautiful ones that wasn't a b****.

Get rid of that sh$$t. Those pix, videos, emails. Cards, photos. Vms. Texts, love notes, gifts, blah blah.

Stop letting her contact you. Leave her alone, yo.

You mean good looking on the outside, but not inside??

Figure out who you are first.

I think I begin to see the reason of your pain. You have to delete everything from her or you won't heal, that is for sure. Instead of taking 3 more months, it should not even take you 1 month to get life back on track.

Do you go to the gym everyday? Do you socialize with friends and try to meet new people? Did you into new activities or did you start volunteering? Are you concentrating on work or school?

I was in the same place as you before. I thought since I was in electrical engineer, and I don't meet that many women everyday, I won't find a good women for me.

Well after 3 months, I was proved wrong, very wrong. I've met a lot of women, all of them lovely and beautiful. If you go out there there will be a LOT of women you can meet and all are different.
You just need to take care of yourself, dress better, gain muscle, work on your posture, and be confident. If you work on all that, you WILL gain confidence.

Now start applying full NC, delete her images, videos, EVERYTHING.

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Originally Posted by paxe

I think I begin to see the reason of your pain. You have to delete everything from her or you won't heal, that is for sure. Instead of taking 3 more months, it should not even take you 1 month to get life back on track.

Do you go to the gym everyday? Do you socialize with friends and try to meet new people? Did you into new activities or did you start volunteering? Are you concentrating on work or school?

I was in the same place as you before. I thought since I was in electrical engineer, and I don't meet that many women everyday, I won't find a good women for me.

Well after 3 months, I was proved wrong, very wrong. I've met a lot of women, all of them lovely and beautiful. If you go out there there will be a LOT of women you can meet and all are different.
You just need to take care of yourself, dress better, gain muscle, work on your posture, and be confident. If you work on all that, you WILL gain confidence.

Now start applying full NC, delete her images, videos, EVERYTHING.

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A while back I joined the same gym as my ex and got in the best shape of my life- however from being so depressed I stopped going right after being dumped and now 3 months later I lost all my gains. So after talking to my ex on Friday and hearing that she's seeing the one guy from the gym I am very motivated to get back into it- I plan on pushing myself harder than ever. Can't wait to go 3 miles on the treadmill tomorrow.

There was a basketball & volleyball league that I was going to join but never did and I filled out all the paperwork for volunteering (big brotheres/big sisters) but never sent it in. So basically on weekends my friend and I go bar- hopping and although we meet lots of girls they're either too old/too young/taken or just not very attractive. Seems like its always something. Oh and a lot of them are bit***. That's how the better looking girls are in my area.

I definitely need to meet some new people and start being more active during the day. I work nights so I'm sleeping in the morning. That's part of the problem- my crazy hours. When I do go out and around town I try being social with people just to start gaining my confidence back.

Go to a different gym, first of all, or do something else.

Especially since she's seeing someone from the gym.

Yes, be social and do stuff for yourself. Meet someone new everyday, with no expectations or judgement. Not necessarily girlfriend prospects. Just people. There are lots of cool & nice people out there.

Volunteering & giving back is a nice idea.

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Originally Posted by bjohnrupp

A while back I joined the same gym as my ex and got in the best shape of my life- however from being so depressed I stopped going right after being dumped and now 3 months later I lost all my gains. So after talking to my ex on Friday and hearing that shes seeing the one guy from the gym I am very motivated to get back into it- I plan on pushing myself harder than ever. Can't wait to go 3 miles on the treadmill tommorrow.

There was a basketball & volleyball league that I was going to join but never did and I filled out all the paperwork for volunteering (big brotheres/big sisters) but never sent it in. So basically on weekends my friend and I go bar- hopping and although we meet lots of girls they're either too old/too young/taken or just not very attractive. Seems like its always something. Oh and a lot of them are bit***. Thats how the better looking girls are in my area.

I definitely need to meet some new people and start being more active during the day. I work nights so I'm sleeping in the morning. Thats part of the problem- my crazy hours. When I do go out and around town I try being social with people just to start gaining my confidence back.

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I like seeing positive points! If you're ex is in this gym, go in a different one like Vanheart is saying. You will see a tremendous difference and you'll be proud of yourself, and you'll attract more girls.

As for the volunteering and activities, there is a lot more out there (amnesty international, oxfam... ) so you can just pick one.

Now for the bars, that's bad, really bad. Of course you won't meet decent women there, and there is actually way more guys than girls in those places. Plus, it's really difficult to get talking to girls, they are really defensive. I don't say don't try, I say, don't give too much expectations.

The best way to meet girls is... to not think about it. Sounds cheesy but it really work. My schedule is really busy and I study in an environment with plenty of men. I still manage to get a lot of girls interested in me. I do this by taking care of myself and hanging out in places where I want to meet decent girls (aka volunteering, activities, friend's parties). For now don't think about getting any girls, take care of yourself, meet new people, then you can worry about finding a new girlfriend once you've completely healed. And the best way to look for them, is not to look for them.

Agree with Paxe, Van... if your sick of the bar warpigs, John, ever tried the online dating scene?

Plentyoffish, e-harmony... etc

If your new to this, rock Plentyoffish first - it's free.

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Originally Posted by Reactor

Agree with Paxe, Van...if your sick of the bar warpigs, John, ever tried the online dating scene?

Plentyoffish, e-harmony...etc

If your new to this, rock Plentyoffish first - it's free.

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Let us give him some time before that. Also I do believe guys need to learn how to talk to ladies. I mean online dating is easy, so let's not rush it. Take life easy and go slow.

True; was being a tad selfish in my post. That's what helped me. Then again, I did what John did, not once, but over and over... and over... for 4 1/2 months of torture.

... kinda comes off as a cute death metal lyric..

Let those endorphins run wild John. If running's your thing, there's not a better high in terms of endorphin levels. Even weight lifting doesn't produce the significant amount as running does.

Fight fire with fire.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Reactor

True; was being a tad selfish in my post. That's what helped me. Then again, I did what John did, not once, but over and over...and over...for 4 1/2 months of torture.

...kinda comes off as a cute death metal lyric..

Let those endorphins run wild John. If running's your thing, there's not a better high in terms of endorphin levels. Even weight lifting doesn't produce the significant amount as running does.

Fight fire with fire.

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Yea, I got my own share of pain here when my ex broke out with me: near suicidal, lost hair, hair turned white, had diarrhea for 3 weeks.

Luckily I passed this time and I've reborn from my ashes to help you guys out. And yea, go do some crazy sports, it helped me out. 2 hours everyday minimum. I went from utter blind shock, to life getting some sense of normalcy in 3 weeks with sports.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Reactor

Agree with Paxe, Van...if your sick of the bar warpigs, John, ever tried the online dating scene?

Plentyoffish, e-harmony...etc

If your new to this, rock Plentyoffish first - it's free.

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Hey Reactor and Paxe--yea I think I know why you always hear the quote "sick of the bar scene"- it really does get old real quick. :rolleyes: I'm going to the bars more for just getting myself out there and talking to as much girls as possible. "Bar warpigs"- never heard that before but I like it haha

Yes I have tried plentyoffish- that's how I met my ex fiancé last September. I'm back on it now and actually had 4 dates last week- some of them pretty good ones. However I realized after the dates its still to early so I'm giving things a rest for a while.:D

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Originally Posted by dave2247

Hey,
I am going through the exact same thing. My ex left me two months ago and callled me yesterday crying about how sad she was in her life and how she felt hopeless. Of course, I felt horrible and comforted her but in the end she only wants me as a friend. Problem is I am not over her. Sadly, I had to tell her we couldnt talk anymore. I know it is hard and painful but No Contact is the only way to get over an ex. Believe me I realize that now even after everyone told me so. You have to be strong and let her go. If you truly want to heal no contact is the only way. In the far future when you are healed you can reconnect as a friend if you want.

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Hey Dave- sorry to hear you're going through the same thing. Your ex says how sad and hopeless she is but mine sounds like she's happy dating/seeing all these different guys. But yea both are ex'es just think of us as friends and that's the problem- we want more than that and they don't realize how it hurts more to talk to them than NOT to talk to them. :(

Yes I do realize no contact is the only way to go. Now I just have to be strong enough the next time she tries contacting me. I tried thinking maybe we can be friends but the ONLY way that works is if we only think of our ex'es as friends also.:rolleyes:

I don't necessarily regret that I broke no contact the other day- we had a great talk and it made me realize how any contact is still very painful. Just hearing your really cute voice on the phone made me sad. Oh well:(

Ya know bjohn,

Was thinking.
Dumpers know what they want, did it & got a weight lifted off them by doing so.
The Dumpees, are let with some of that projected weight. Only to get rid of.

My point, is to not worry if she's happy or not, only if you are happy (or will & can be)

This is about you, man.

We can check Facebook, carry pictures around in our wallets, but at some point we say "What am I doing?"

Don't worry if you won't remember what she looks like or sounds.

She's gone.

And with all things that are gone from our lives. They don't require our precious time.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Ya know bjohn,

Was thinking.
Dumpers know what they want, did it & got a weight lifted off them by doing so.
The Dumpees, are let with some of that projected weight. Only to get rid of.

My point, is to not worry if shes happy or not, only if you are happy (or will & can be)

This is about you, man.

We can check facebook, carry pictures around in our wallets, but at some point we say "What am I doing?"

Dont worry if you wont remember what she looks like or sounds.

Shes gone.

And with all things that are gone from our lives. They dont require our precious time.

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Yea very true Van- I have to not think about if she's happier now with her new man or if she's glad she got rid of me. I highly doubt she put much thought into if I'm happy or not so I shouldn't care if she is. The 1st month I always looked at the Facebook and looked at her twitter and pics of us but I put an end to all that because I kept getting that dull aching pain in my chest and I said "what am I doing?". It was like I was torturing myself.:rolleyes:

Don't torture yourself anymore.
Stick with NC & you'll be fine.

Ok so I've been doing good with the no contact and never thought I'd here from my ex fiancé again.

Then yesterday I got a text from her saying how she's on vacation with her parents (I was supposed to be there) and she's on the beach and its reminding her of when we went on the cruise and how much fun she had and how thanks to me it was one of the best weeks of her life.

I didn't know what to say so I just sent a sad face and she replied with "I know" and said how she thinks about me a lot and misses me. So I replied and told her I think about her and miss her also.

It was then texting back and forth for a while. She was being nice and not cold in her texts which is a change.

The thing is that I know I'm getting over her because it didn't hurt hearing from her. Usually I'd get all these emotions flooding in. I really don't know what she's thinking- maybe she's realizing she may have made a mistake.

So I'm thinking either A) send her an email again explaining how we can't be friends because I want more and not to contact me unless she wants to try again or B) just do no contact from here on out. Which would be better? I know its over and very small chance she'd get back with me but I wouldn't mind at all giving it one more try down the road.

I've always felt extremely comfortable with her and I'm very picky. Also her parents are amazing and I am very close to them.

Stay in NC... You can't keep giving in. This could last till you are 50 if you don't stop. If she is not knocking on your door begging to be with you then everything else means NOTHING. You know better but your heart doesn't. Don't let your heart play tricks on you!
You have to get rid of her in every way! When you are over her then you can think about getting over her. Even if the two of you get back together, thinking logically, you will always want her more and things will be unbalanced which alone will cause destruction among lots of other things. She will always be able to let go a lot easier than you will.
Better yourself in every way and you will be fine. Be happy with yourself and you will see that you don't need her. I have come to the conclusion that people become clingy and want something that doesn't want them when they are not happy with themselves. Good luck!

Thanks emopunk- so you're saying the no contact is better than sending the email? So do her words not mean anything? Is this just to relieve her guilt still? Her b'days in a week and Christmas is a month- I guess she's probably expecting me to send her a text but I know I shouldn't so I won't send anything.

Good prevent everything that has to do with her!

Stay NC & you won't have these questions.
Don't let her reel you in while she's having fun w/o you.
Have your own fun.

Tal said to me here:
"Send the strong message of silence"

And Chuff:
"The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference"

Ignore her.

Every contact will have you going around in circles nursing false hope. The way to recover from your breakup is to have no contact whatsoever-ignore her-block her-dont talk to her-make the decision,for your own healing's sake,to step away from this emotional rollercoaster.

Yuppers. amicon.
Does anyone say still say that? Hehehe..
Forgive me. Im bringing it back.

Hes got to make the decision.

:-) van-and yes make the decision and stick to it-write it in stone-it's the one thing that works in situations like this.

True that. So glad I did from the get go.

Free will is what separates us as human beings.

We can think, do and act however we want.

True-we all have free will and using that we can make the choices that hurt us the least.

Exactly.

And bjohnrupp, she wants the contact & friend zone to make sure that you validate her decision. Soften the blow in her mind, show power & eliminate her guilt. Why not, no real consequence to her anyway. She did it. She's not contacting you to say she made a mistake & you are the love of her life, please take me back, yada yada yada..

Don't wait for that.

Your thread is called "ex still contacts me"

Don't let her anymore. Show her who's in control now by silence.

Sorry, one more thing, before I crash..

The reason she contacts you is for a response. Nothing else. It's a done deal.

That's the truth.

She's on an attentionseeking powertrip so don't buy in to it by responding and lowering yourself to her level.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Sorry, one more thing, before I crash..

The reason she contacts you is for a response. Nothing else. Its a done deal.

Thats the truth.

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Thanks Vanheart- I was very tempted to send an email saying how "I know the only reason you contact me is to relieve your guilt and please dont ever contact me again unless you want to get back together because if you do I wont respond"... but if you're saying no contact would be better than I'll do that.

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Originally Posted by amicon

She's on an attentionseeking powertrip so don't buy in to it by responding and lowering yourself to her level.

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Thanks Amicon- I'm stupid for giving in and responding to her text. I guess she knew how to play with my heart and knew I'd probably respond if she worded it right. Now I wish I wasn't weak and ignored it. I was doing so good for a while-6 weeks of no contact. I guess I followed my heart and not my head and thought she was being sincere- I should have known better

No, you re not stupid, just human. Get back on the NC track,you'll be fine-just be patient with yourself.