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It's good you ended the call first. Take control.
You know - YOU might think this is a game, but... you should make plans for coffee and then break them at the last minute. Kind of show the un-importance to him - show him he doesn't have you - which I think was part of the problem.
People Want What They Can't Have.
When you completely surrender to them - the games over. Even when you are about to get married it helps to have that sense that thye could slip away.
He keeps stringing you along.
Rol,
Good to hear you are in a happy place and I have really enjoyed seeing your progress. IT has been good because you are such a great girl.
Do you really need to see him? Do you need to discuss the issues that he ran from early on? Will it change anything?
Im not saying to run from him because it might hurt you. Not at all. If you want to go and have a coffee with him then id say do what you want to do.
But I just want you to weigh it up and ask yourself if there is any real need. Sure it is nice to know that each party doesn't harbour any ill feelings but I think that has been established already.
Anyway, you have done great so far and I'm sure whatever you do it will turn out for the best but I just want you to make sure you think about it before you act.
I don't want to see that happy place that your in turned on its head because of some unforeseen circumstances that may arise. And I'm only going on my experiences in doing exactly what your doing now too.
Hi and thanks a lot for the comments.
I don't thinks he's stringing me along.. well I guess in the way that he wants to be alone but does not seem to want me gone either.
But I cannot blame him for wanting to be alone either. Everyone needs to put themselves first.
I don't think ill bring up the past. I don't really feel like rehashing all that again. I may just tell him that I admire he had the courage to do what he did and that he was right.
And I'm taking this into account Skell... "I dont want to see that happy place that your in turned on its head because of some unforeseen circumstances that may arise. And i'm only going on my experiences in doing exactly what your doing now too." In many ways your breakup and mine were very similar and the place we are both at now is similar also, and stronger because of it.
Ill let ye know how it goes.
Hi Rol,
I wouldn't mention anything about the past. I don't think I would say that I admire him about anything. It might not be a wise thing to do. You are saying to him it was OK to treat you the way he did. He did things in a cowardly fashion, leaving you to cancel everything. Your ex is similar to mine in some ways, burying his head in the sand. What he did was out of order, don't forget that. You have come so far, and you deserve a lot better than him. I wish he wasn't so stupid in realising that :)
For me, love is about putting another person first but then you must not neglect your own needs too.Quote:
Originally Posted by rol
That will be great to get to that point Geoff!
That is what real love is.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jiser
Putting the other person before yourself. That is how all love should be and always unconditional.
<<Putting the other person before yourself. That is how all love should be and always unconditional.
>>
Well not sure I totally agree with that (for once Geoff:).. That is what he did during our relationship and it did not work,
I think one should always know how to be happy without the other and that sometimes involves putting yourself first.
I see your point rol. That is what my ex did, she put herself first by leaving me and exploring the single life. I am comfortable with being single but I believed in what we had and I think if I were honest, I put her before me too much and I have learned a lesson from that. But, she would have left at some point anyway, no matter how I played it.Quote:
Originally Posted by rol
I'm so glad I have such greater insight into this kind of thing and in a lot of ways, I would not have grown in this way had she not had walked.
Perhaps the time your ex has had alone has given him the opportunity to rethink things but I would go into that meeting with an open mind and avoid bringing up the past. It is important that he sees that you are healthy and well and comfortable with being single.
Exactly Geoff we have learned major lessons because of all of this, the most important for me is to always keep my own life and separate friends, and make sure the other does the same. It's a pity because at the beginning this was how it was but then my male friends became his and he got my life grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Yeah I'm not expecting anything at all.
When we talked in October he did say he wants me to rebuild my own life, so that is exactly what I've been doing, and its great , I've new friends and doing many many things.
Even if he did say he made a mistake and wants to get back together I would tell him No, that I need more time.
That is kind of like what happened to me and my ex. She disliked me having friends and got angry if I spent time with them and not her. So I spent more time with her, lost those friends and then she blamed me for losing her friends and her single life when I even told her she should go out and have a good time alone with them but because she chose to spend more time with me, she lost her friends.Quote:
Originally Posted by rol
I think this is commonplace that in relationships, quite often we get lost and well, lose ourselves in each other. Yet I have learned a huge lesson not to let that happen ever again and rol and many others here have learned this too. A breakup can be a blessing in disguise and open up new ways of thinking and behaving.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rol
You are an inspiration to many here rol...
I am all choked up watching the kids grow up right in front of me, and no offense I feel like a proud old man (choking)
Yeah Rol our break ups were pretty similar which is what makes me so proud of you to see how you have turned the corner and been so great lately. As I'm sure it does everyone else here it makes me feel happy to think that you are getting on with things and in such a better place.
It also means I worry and would hate to see your progress halted.
As I said you will do what best and because of the person you are it will all work out great no matter what I'm sure. I just know what these coffees / meetings with ex's can be like from my own personal experience. I thought I was OK and ready too but when it came to the crunch I wasn't. We had a great time one sunny Saturday morning and for that hour or so it was like I had my best friend and love back in my life again only to have her taken away so cruelly again. Silly I know but we had such a great time and laughed like old times. But then when it was time to say goodbye she walked out of my life again and I felt so alone. That feeling of loneliness that hadn't felt for so long. That was a while ago now and I wasn't at the place I am now but it still is a regret I have as far as it wasn't in my best interests.
But each person and case is different and only you know yourself and what is best for you.
Oh I didn't realsie you also did that coffee thing Skell. I meant to ask you that before...
Well from May to October we were doing that drinks thing(about 10 times in total) so I guess I have experience there.
Anyhow ill see what happens here.
Thanks a million for your help and I appreciate it a lot
Aww Tal;-)
I thought id add an update.
Mostly about myself and how I am doing ;-)
These last few months I've been really focused on making my life better. I concentrated on my personal goals and worked very hard to achieve them. Ive just being informed that I am getting a promotion at work, so I'm very happy about that! I'm meeting lots of new people and having fun.
Update about the other situation... yes there is some but the other news is more important to share first :)
Well done rol...
You are an inspiration and shine like a new penny.
Ha ha I wish ;-) thanks!
Oh and happy belated birthday Geoff:) I remember you mentioned it on a thread last week ;-)
So the other situation.
Well he sent an email when he got back and we sent a few 'light and happy' emails over and back since then but no mention of the drink.
Anyhow perhaps its better like that.
Plus the anniversary of the breakup is coming up in a few weeks so I don't feel like meeting him around that time.
Anyhow I'm happy and positive , even though its Friday the 13th ;-)
And I was invited to 3 parties tonight so single life is going OK and I do see how being positive attracts people around :-)
[QUOTE=Wildcat21He may come back - but you can't convince anyone to come back. He also doesn't deserve any of your attention what so ever right now.
People want what they can't have - I am wondering if you both were just way too available to each other?
" Guess alot of people think love is just about those sparks and dont really realise that love is really what there is when those sparks are gone." - Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh - could you please go back in time and explain that to about 5 certain women????? PLEASE!!! That is so true! Sparks are just the beginning.
Yes -we ALL are still learning.[/QUOTE]
Great insight... very helpful. I must say.. we strive to get what is sometimes not easily available and once we have it.. we take it for granted.. don't we? And that is where the crux of the problem lies... thnks for this lovely answer wildcat.
Quote:
Originally Posted by diya
I think many people in general take a lot for granted in this world. We forget the things that are precious to us, like our health, our family, our friends, the power to see and be seen, our beliefs and so on... We (not all) usually want more than we really need and fail to appreciate what we already have.
Thought I might add an update on this situation.
So he sent an email about meeting , then he left on vacation,
When he got back he sent an email which I didn't reply to as I was thinking which day would suit me so he rang that night and we had an easy going converation and he asked if I wanted to meet this week, so I said ill check which day and get back to you, maybe Friday so he said any day is fine this week.
So we met for a drink at a bar,I was 45 minutes late , terrible...
Anyhow I arrived and he waved over at me, so I went over and apologized for being late and said bigg traffic jam and laughed(he knows I'm always late anyhow)
So then sat down and tried to relax He did not look very well, looked very tired.
So talked about my life, his life , work, family, he told me 3 of his aunts died recently so he went back to see his mother last week as she was feeling bad, he has some debt as his new place cost more then he thought it would to renovate,his job is going OK but they might need to relocate,he has some health problems, generally he was not very happy...
So I was my positive self , and just acted like it was an old friend. I didn't get too much into his problems as I figured they are his problems and I am not his girlfriend so I should not get involved.
At 10 he said he would leave now as he was tired as he woke up at 5 due to his insomnia.
So I said OK bye then and we did the 2 kisses on cheek, so he said that he might go out tomorrow with a friend if I want to come. I said maybe, ill see.
Rol,
Wow. How did you really feel, truly feel. While there you probably had your internal defenses up, meaning trying best not to allow too much feeling to seep in. But how do you feel about it now.
Boy, he sure does seem broken down now.
When reading, I was thinking, see, that's what life without Rol is, not too pleasant.
Good luck with that, I don't think any advise can be given?
Is that situation bad or good rol?
Yeah broken down completely...
Its amazing because when he met me and when I was in his life he always told me how everything went so great and that I was like his lucky charm,how he got what he wanted and his life greatly improved .Now that I am gone it has disintegrated, he has disintegrated. Is this karma... it was kind of sad to see.
I just told him to think in the positive and all will be fine for you, we used to always say that to each other.
Well he didn't get back to me yesterday about meeting , anyhow its not good for me to see him to soon again.
That was quite emotional seeing him after 6 months and I'm sure he felt the same.
Im trying to think what is best for me at this stage.
Meanwhile "my" life is great, have lots of new friends , have met some nice new male friends.. im filling my "void" by doing lots of new hobbies and smiling.
Rol, you are on a healthy path. And it is sad about your ex, very sad. But that's his sadness either based on his choices or the cards being dealt.
************************************************** ***
So above represents the line to draw and you just be sure you keep on the healthy side.
Boy you are one bright girl and your ***smile*** is just beaming through.
You have handled all of this so well and that is why you are able to smile and move on. You did it in a healthy way. I still think back to the days where your pain was still so fresh and there you were going from thread to thread helping others. :).
Um, you have not called him about the meeting... not that he hasn't called you. Right :)
So glad to hear about your new friends. I just love it.
Good for you Rol!
Aww thanks allheart, you are such a lovely sweet person:-) I wish you great things, I'm sure you already have them:)
Yeah I'm getting on with my life... ill smile when I hear from him and he can see how great I'm doing without him. . Im growing and learning and lets see what the universe brings
Hi Rol,
Similar situations, you and I both saw our exes after 6 months. Plus, the way you described him to be, was the way mine was too. I think they both have problems that we cannot fix, it's up to them to sort out their own lives.
Stay strong
Xx
OK I'm feeling pretty bad now, met with ex to discuss the house we own together,I am going to buy him out and he proceed to tell me he was with someone new since November! One month after our proper breakup and better still I know her as she was a friend of his and she works in my company!!
Lovely... Skell will know how I feel here...
This is long...
So met and talked etc etc... then I said lets talk business so talked about house etc, then talked another while..
Then he said I'm with someone now.. and he told me who it was.. I said oh right she gave me a strange look in the canteen and I thought something was up..
So then we had silence for a while and he changed the subject..
So then after a while I said so how long have you been with her then, and he said since November and I said boy that's a long time to spend alone , 1 month!! then I got very be itchy...
So you jumped on the first girl you came across... no he says.. ok I said, tell her not to give me strange looks anymore, I'm fine alone,
So he said nothing changed he's not living with her and he's happy like that.
I said welll good luck to her then.
Then we talked a bit about the breakup and I said why did you just not tellme it was over from the beginning, and he said he thought he just wanted a break but then he saw he was happy alone.
Then his phone message beeped and I said its OK he's leaving now.
So he said you are sarcastic, I said I am not.he said he wanted to tell me himself , I said OK that was nice thanks.
Then I finished my wine and we went to go so walked to my car and said goodbye.. and he said thanks for being so understnading about the house , I said yeah I'm very understanding.
Then I came home ,feel like crap now... what an...
How can someone be so f stupid!!
What's done is done! Pick yourself up, things can only get better. Head up! Go workout or take up hitting large hunky men - kick boxing :P
Hi Rol,
How awful, we really didn't see this one coming. The fact that he emailed you now and again, and he looked so tired on your first meeting.
I guess you can only really take from this, that he wasn't the guy you thought he was. It would never work out if you were ever to get together again anyway, the guy doesn't know where he is going with his life, like my ex. They are both around the same age our exes, I really don't think they will realise until they are about 40 what they want.
In a way, I am fortunate that I wasn't engaged or anything. He really drew everything out though, that's what annoys me, I mean it has taken over a year before the house etc was sorted out.
This whole situation has made me think again, try not to analyse, please keep busy and keep well : )x
Cripes Rol,Quote:
Originally Posted by rol
I am so sorry, just saw this.
Look - I don't have the words... but I do have a huge hug and lots of sincere heartfelt love for you.
Rol, it is a kick in the teeth and heart, no matter how far you progressed, which is a lot. Everyone would have the same reaction and feelings that you are having.
Rol, you are an awesome girl, AWESOME. So, if you want to have a cry, you go right on and have it. Whatever it is you are feeling, feel it. It all is normal.
Please pop back in when you can. I know you wrote this last week.
It is the shock of it all Rol, not so much the fact that you were hoping for a reconcillation.
But all the emotions are balled up into one right now. There is no law written, there are no rules saying you have to feel any way then what you are feeling now.
My heart is with you. I love you Rol.
We are here for you rol! Just hang in there... Life will get better sometime soon!
Hi all,
Thanks a lot,
I'm fine now again , and in fact I'm starting to find him pathetic that he had to jump onto a new girl right away especially 'that' girl.
Im finding the whole thing a bit weird actually, again he started telling me how hard the breakup was for him.
When we talked about the house I said I appreciate that you did not rush to make a decision about selling it right away , he said well he didn't know what he was doing. That he thought he just needed a break.
So I do think in the beginning he just needed a break and then decided he was happy alone without any commitment.
Also the previous time we met a month a ago he did not mention the girl and asked if I wanted to go out the following night.
I mean... what the f! has he lost it or what?
Weird..
I know it's hard but try not to analyse again. It really kills you, I know. He is really not worth wondering about. I'm afraid he is someone we will never figure out. Try and think of good goals for yourself, Treat yourself to a holiday, maybe even in Scotland : ) xx
Ouch...
Sorry to hear about this rol, you have my deepest sympathy. Then again, you don't really need it, because you are better off without him.
Cut him out of your life for good now rol wherever possible. Let him find out whatever he needs to find out (thats his problem) and just focus on you again.
Hi Rol,
Sorry I didn't see this last week. I seem to be missing lots of threads lately.
Anyway there isn't much we can say to make it better. Its just another bump on the road to recovery. Nothing you can't or won't handle just fine like you have everything else.
Like AH said, Rol you are an amazing person and this will only make you stronger.
As Geoff said, just continue to cut him out of your life as much as you can. Focus on you as much as possible!
It's so hard to cut that person out of your life or is it?. We all know deep down what's best for us and sometimes we just need to let go to focus on the new you. Change is inevitable, it's the only constant :( and sometimes I just hate that.
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