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So lets see...
She says, " I want us to just be friends"
He says, " If you want us to be friends, I'm going to block you out of my life for good..."
Doesn't make sense to me. She basically doesn't want to date you, but at least she wants to be friends. If you didn't want to be friends with you ex, just say so in a nicer way, like "I don't think I could do that because my feelings for you are too strong"...
Anyway, this is one confusing saga, and I really want to know how to turns out..
Well man, my ex didn't believe I would cut her out of my life when we broke up because I was so head over heels. She pulled the same "let's be friends" while I was warning her that I would disappear if she truly wanted to end the "relationship". I gave her a hug, told her she was great, wished her luck and vanished (or tried). She went nuts. Some of your actions are agonizing to read about, but the fact that this girl is "letting" you sing to her on the phone shows her immaturity as well. She's going to soak up your devotion and ride high on the confidence train throwing you bread crumbs... until she meets her new boyfriend. Hopefully your denial ends there. Keep this post alive until total heartbreak ensues that way we can post it as a sticky to prove that serenading your ex will absolutely not work. I feel for you man, I really do. If she had any self-respect she would try to save you from making a fool of yourself. Man, even though I didn't come close to the level of "determination"(obsession) you are showing, reading your post certainly reminds me of some of the emotional turmoil I was in back then.
As thickheaded as you are, this girl sucks. Letting you sing to her... that's sick. She sounds like a narcissist (ask around, I don't label very often). You've got to stop talking about her friend (really you shouldn't even talk to your ex at all). I made the same mistake on this one. Ex's friend started telling me things that began to drive a wedge between my ex and I. When the ex and I broke up, I asked why she wasn't even concerned that her friend was gossiping to me. She said because that's "just how she is". Meaning, she didn't care anymore. That's what you are hearing. Your ex's loyalty is to her friend 100%. You are a temporary stop gap right now. Whatever intimacy you guys had is gone.
If it makes you feel any better... my ex and her friend had a falling out as soon as I went no contact. When she realized she really did lose me to all that petty gossiping, I think she grew up just a little. General word of advice to everyone here. If your SO's friends are REALLY interfering whether it be gossip or leading your SO astray and you voice your opinion with no resolution. WALK AWAY. Don't make excuses, don't think you have trust issues, just walk away. From my POV, if one of my buds undermined or attempted to undermine a relationship of mine in any way, I would no longer call that person friend. Even if I wanted to break up.
After reading your last post, reckless, I felt embarrassed for you. I don't understand the purpose of calling someone and then minutes later telling them your "done talking to them"; you are very confused.
Like your ex said, just get it. She doesn't want you as a friend, she wants you out of her life and there for her at her convenience.
Honestly, I'm at the point where it's very much whatever. I've gotten past the point where I really care. She wanted to friend zone me. I said no. she says she doesn't know how she feels. I don't care. This is all really simple. I'm not getting her back. The chances of that are 0 at this point. Ignoring her may make her come back like it did last time, but that'll be 2 or 3 months down the road. Regardless, I'm not holding on to that.
Well I have to go to this play. I've already paid 60 dollars to see it. If I back out now then I'm going to leave her with the awkward task of finding someone else to go. She honestly doesn't have loyal enough friends who will pay the 60. I'm not going to try anything, don't worry. I'm done trying. I said everything I wanted to say and that's that. I have 0 hopes of trying anything at the play or getting her to go back out with me. I can't even imagine her saying that she'd go back out with me anymore. It would have to be a miracle of God.Quote:
Originally Posted by N0help4u
Yeah don't back out of any plans but just don't act so desperate that's all.
Calling and having a conversation like you did sounds like your desperately grasping for straws as a feeble attempt to hear her voice so you don't crumble
You would think that was my reason, but I'm very honestly going to say that it wasn't. My reason was actually at first genuinely because I was in a happy singing kind of mood. It then changed into me basically telling her that I've had enough and that I'm gone if this continues. I had to say that. I don't know if you understand, but it was necessary for me because it's true. I had to tell her that I won't be around when she regrets this.Quote:
Originally Posted by N0help4u
Okay so here's a fundamental world truth. Your ex girlfriend will not get back with you if you tell her you'll change, that things will get better, that you can work things out, etc.
The only way to get her back is to genuinely not care. You have to be up front from the start and say that you won't be her friend, that you won't wait for her decision, that it's over. Then you have to ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore. Any crack ups in ignoring will prolong the breakup.
Desperation is the seed of failure. The message you have to send across goes like this "I don't need you." That's it. Right now I'm in the ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore stage. I should have told her from the very beginning that it was over and left her alone with the consequences of her stupid decision.
You want to know how I got her back the first time? I genuinely did not care at all about her. I stopped calling her altogether for two weeks and got a new girlfriend. She came crawling back to me like a freaking centipede. You know how our first conversation went? She was all worried about my girlfriend. I told her that I couldn't get back with my ex anymore because I had my current girlfriend and I was going to give her a chance because my ex had already had hers. She called me back another time and told me that she loved me. I told her that despite her love for me, my decision would not change.
Eventually my feelings did change though. She called again and I told her that although I loved her, I didn't need her. I said those exact words. Unsurprisingly, that made her need me.
This is really just a repeat of the first time. Life is cylical. The same strategy of not caring is going to work again. I left out an important part of our conversation in one of my posts. She asked me if I had gone to club lately. I should have lied and said I did, but I didn't. Of course she's worried about that. Of course she's worried about losing me. Now I'm just going to let her worry.
You had to tell her because it is your ego you are trying to protect.Quote:
Originally Posted by reckless
Just like guys that get rejected when they expect a girl in the bar to buy their corny one liners. They then say ''Oh well she must be a lesbian!''
It is self comforting. That is all you are doing by all your words to her is self medicating your own pain here.
You may believe she is going to regret this but in her mind your relationship as bf/gf is already over and she HAS NO regrets.
You are the one that is lingering in la-la land believing it is this way or it is that way.
Get over it! For your own sanity sake.
Well... I know I'm kind of late to here, you seem to have great advice from these people here. Similar situation with you actually, but without going into too much details on my thread, I quickly pick up this NC rule created by rome and advice taken from tal, rome, friend, inertia, jol, and some other that I can't recall. And guess what? Its going in my favour. :) I'm gaining more control in my life, doing happy stuff without my ex and I started dating other girls already. Of course, there will be downs bit here and there but it doesn't affect me much.
All I can say is if you're actually happy and satisfied with what you're doing now with your ex then no one is stopping you. But I would say, don't mourn about the past (seems that most of the time you're just moving forward), what's done is done, all you can is is learn from it, also take a step back, take time to think about it, be in reality not fantasy, ask yourself... is she worth it? Are we having a healthy relationship here? Am I compatible to her? In order for a relationship to be healthy and smooth, you need the 3C's. Compatible. Communication. Commitment. No less. Have you 2 fulfilled 3 of these?
Well the communication thing is the problem. She says I don't listen, and I try but apparently I don't try hard enough. I'm to blame for doing the stuff she told me not to like PDA and getting into a fight with her friend. I know there's no convincing her that I can listen anymore since I've proven to her that I can't. I really want to change this time but she doesn't think I can.
I wish there was something I could say to turn it around, but I know there's nothing to do but to ignore her. I have to be chill on Saturday when we go to the play and just act like her friend, not her boyfriend.
The whole no PDA thing pissed me off because it made me feel like her friend and not her boyfriend. That's like the extent of why I did it even though she didn't want me to. She says it makes her friend feel awkward and I totally understand that now, but it's just too late.
Honestly this whole not listening thing is a mistake on my part. She's just totally overblowing the situation and now it's just ridiculous.
Regardless, I'm going to let her come to me and if she doesn't then it's just whatever.
I wish you guys could tell me what to say to get her to know that I'm listening without getting sarcastic or biting responses. I know you guys are trying to do what's best for me but you know I've been determined in this thing.
She feels she has to overblow it because you don't listen. Like if you tell a kid don't touch and they touch the stove you have to keep reinforcing what you say until they get it.
You aren't getting it.
Its not what you say it is what you don't say.
You don't get all wordy and obnoxious like that last phone call you told us about and some other things you have said and done. You don't go on and on about how you are changing... you do it and prove it by actions speaking louder than any words.
When she is talking all you do is shut your mouth, look at her, and hear every word she says. Do not interrupt her and think before you speak. Like N0help4u said ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! It doesn't matter what you say to her, she is seeing how you act and knows you are blowing smoke!
Like we have said for the past 14 pages, you're fighting a battle that is impossible to win. After Saturday, you should cut your losses and start moving forward in your love life, instead of spinning your wheels with her. You have already taken this WAY further than it EVER should have gone.
Wow, this thread is 14 pages long and the OP just doesn't get it.
This is a destructive relationship. I can't believe I even read that phone call!
Dude! What is wrong with you? Have you ever been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder? It's clear this chick is playing you and making you look like a fool. Weren't you even embarrassed to post that call? Wow!!
She is an ex for a reason. Leave her alone already.
No, you're wrong again. You're problem is you're trying too hard. In the beginning of this thread, you were convinced you two were getting back together so you consciously distorted the reality and looked at the situation they way you wanted to see it. Under normal circumstances, that's being an assh**e, but given your desperation it's really a cry for help. In either case, it's not listening.Quote:
Originally Posted by reckless
Like we've been telling you all a long, leave her a lone and she'll get the hint that you finally understood.Quote:
Originally Posted by reckless
Okay well on Saturday I'll do nothing but listen. There is no talking her out of this. There is no talking me out of this. I've made my choice.
You guys are probably all right. That's fine though. I'm going to use actions rather than words to support myself.
Woah woah woah. That's the kind of advice I like. I'll leave her alone every day but Saturday, where I'll listen to her and not make moves on her or act like a jerk.Quote:
Originally Posted by slapshot_oi
I don't know what you said slapshot, but your words seem to get through! It's not we all haven't been saying the same thing for the past 137 posts!
Then on Sunday pretend like she doesn't exist... that she NEVER existed.
She's treating you badly , don't waste your time you deserve better
So wordwise there's nothing I can say. Calling her even if it's not to talk about the relationship, I'm assuming that's bad too. Action-wise just do what she's been asking me to do all along.
But the biggest thing of all is to leave her alone and let her think it out on her own.
If you keep calling her you are going to piss her off more and start moving into the creepy ex/stalker territory. I know you don't want to end up there.
Do I read stalker here? Leave her alone. Don't call her, don't text her, NO CONTACT period!!Quote:
Originally Posted by reckless
Don't call her to talk about anything. She doesn't exist anymore.
Have to spread repQuote:
Originally Posted by jmw0713
EXACTLY
Right now he is in the obnoxious ''This proves to me WHY I broke up with him'' stage.
Advice taken. I will most certainly not call her except to arrange stuff on Saturday like what time etc. when I go I will pretend my arms are dead and do nothing to touch her or do that PDA crap she complains about.
I know exactly how she feels right now. She told me she loves me and I know she does. She loves me, but she won't put up with my crap anymore. She's tired of me never listening to her and she doesn't think the relationship can work. I know she's not sure about it because she said she wanted time to give me a straight answer. This isn't completely final, but I also know that there's nothing I can say to turn her around. I know this because I've proven time and time again that I don't listen. My actions will speak louder than my words and I will treat her right. I'm done with this thread until Saturday. Thanks for all the help. I will try my best to forget about her and let this thing run its course. I'll tell you all how it turns out. I won't call her, don't worry.
NO she doesn't love you , she can say it as often as she wants but her actions clearly state that she doesn't. You don't leave someone you Love FULL STOP.Quote:
Originally Posted by reckless
You've been given some real good advice by some smart people on here now and it just doesn't seem to be sinking in , because basically you just refuse to go No Contact and start your healing process.
Bottom line is you can take every one's advice and leave her alone so you can start healing , or you can stay on the emotional Roller Coaster wondering if it's ever going to pull up , and in a couple of months time you still won't be any closer to getting her back.
Friend, I agree. That's why I decided to stop offering advice because he obviously doesn't want it
Its never too late to change and improve yourself, but don't change just because to suit her, is for your own benefit. Its never too late to learn to be a good listener for your future.Quote:
well the communication thing is the problem. She says I don't listen, and I try but apparently I don't try hard enough. I'm to blame for doing the stuff she told me not to like PDA and getting into a fight with her friend. I know there's no convincing her that I can listen anymore since I've proven to her that I can't. I really want to change this time but she doesn't think I can.
Lol rome, just sit back and see how this ends then. :)Quote:
Friend, I agree. That's why I decided to stop offering advice because he obviously doesn't want it
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NC since 29th June
I said I was going to quit until Saturday but she called me.
I'll make this simple. She said her mom would refund the ticket to the play and I said I'd go anyway. We talked random small talk. I stupidly told her that I loved her and that I would listen from now on. That I wasn't just saying that, that I would actually do it. She said that I couldn't force her into making a decision. I said that I wouldn't force her. I said I was busy and goodbye. She said bye.
honestly guys, you're right. I can actually do better. She is treating me poorly. She's just breaking up with me on a whim without even giving me a real chance. I should really just replace her. In this situation she really has me by the balls. There's no way to regain my manhood in this situation. The ball is in her court and there isn't really anything I can do about it.
like I did this time, I wrote down our conversations from the first time she broke up with me. When I got her back that time, the ball was in my court because I was actively replacing her. Here's a conversation from 3 months ago
Her: “I'm so scared”
Me: “Of what?”
Her: “That you will fall in love with that girl, and not want me, or want her body more than mine.”
Me: “You're stupid”
Her: “Well I don't know what she looks like, but Dylan thinks she is hot, so maybe you will find her more attractive and fall in love with her and I'll be nothing.”
Me: “I told you that I would always return to you; that I'd always love you. I've never lied to you.”
Her: “I know…and if you find another girl who is prettier than me…”
Me: “Number one, that's not possible. Number two, you're stupid. Number three, it's not just about how pretty you are; it's your personality too.”
Her: “I want you with me so much, you're all I want and need.”
Me: “That's great baby. I won't give you up like you gave me up.”
Her: “What do you want me to do?”
Me: “You don't have to do anything but love me.”
Her: “I'll bleed for you if that would make you forgive me, I do love you.”
Me: “That would most certainly not make me forgive you. Anything that involves you getting hurt won't make me forgive you.
Her: “I love you.”
Me: “…”
Her: “Do you not believe me?”
Me: “I believe you.”
Her: “I don't know what to do to prove it to you”
Me: “There isn't a way you can. You used to tell me that all I ever did was say that I loved you, but I didn't act like I loved you. I didn't know what to do to make you believe. So I definitely don't know how you can prove yourself.”
Her: “I don't regret doing it, only how I did it. I do believe we needed it... how else you really know how much you mean to someone or how much they mean to you unless you let them go and see how it makes you feel?”
I mean honestly. I wrote that back in June when we broke up the first time and she crawled back. Look at me now. I'm the one asking for forgiveness. Enough of that. I'm going to ask her to apologize for all of this. I don't need her anymore. This reinforces the NC to the point where I really don't care about her because she's pure evil.
Don't ask to an apology. She doesn't owe you one and you don't owe her one. Just leave her alone and get on with your own life.
You're going to ask her to apologize?? Jesus do you listen? ENOUGH!!
You are acting like the biggest creeper and stalker I have ever seen. Look at yourself! Quit doing this! Not only do you look pathetic to her, but to the rest of us who have wasted time giving advice to you. I cannot seriously believe you are contemplating doing this. I am almost speechless, and I RARELY get that way.
I am almost of the opinion you need to seek help from a professional. There has got to be some rational explanation for your ignorant way of thinking, but I certainly can't find it.
Fine. I won't ask for an apology. I will go into silence again. I shouldn't have picked up. I won't pick up again. I appear on Saturday. I have as much fun as I can. I use my anger as fuel to not contact her between then and now. I don't contact her afterwards.
I assure you I will go NC. Today is the first morning I've woken up and realized that I don't want or need her.
Listen to yourself!!Quote:
Originally Posted by reckless
Unbelievable
**HELLO she is treating you poorly because you keep going back for more when she has explained herself until she is blue in the face!Quote:
she is treating me poorly
**How many chances do you want before you will consider it a real chance.Quote:
she's just breaking up with me on a whim without even giving me a real chance.
I am counting at least 4 chances she has given you to get it right so far.
Problem is you are insisting on going back for the next round before you have figured out exactly what you are doing wrong.
**Sounds like this may show a part of your problem. Replace---BATTERIES get replacedQuote:
I should really just replace her
not people.
**Another problem you are looking at this like a power struggle and either she looses or you loose rather than your being willing to simply admit that you two are just not compatible with each other.Quote:
in this situation she really has me by the balls. There's no way to regain my manhood in this situation
**the only thing you seem to get but again I think you are only trying to convince yourself rather than actually getting it.Quote:
the ball is in her court and there isn't really anything I can do about it.
** More power struggle on your part as well as your projecting the way you see it and too stubborn to HEAR what she is trying to get across.Quote:
she crawled back. Going to ask her to apologize for all of this. I don't need her anymore. This reinforces the NC to the point where I really don't care about her because she's pure evil
Good go NC but until you figure out where things went wrong with her I am not so sure you are going to do all that great ''replacing'' her.Quote:
The mere fact that you are writing conversations out and keeping them to hold against her months later shows you aren't getting it.
That's a good start. I still think you are using Saturday as a last ditch effort to try and get her back, but if you insist on going to this play with her... I'm not going to stop you.
Do not go overboard and start coming up with "plans" to show her you've changed. It won't work. She has already made up her mind about where you stand in her life right now. It time to accept that and start focusing your time and energy on yourself and doing things that you like.
I see things from her point of view. I'm the most hard-headed stubborn guy on the face of this planet. She's right when she says I'm not going to change. Sure I'll try to listen, but I probably won't one time and this whole process will repeat itself if I were to go back out with her again.
Maybe you guys are right and we aren't compatible. We would be if listening wasn't such a key factor. I do try to listen. My friends think it's because I'm a guy and I'm not good at listening. They say she has to have more serious relationships to understand that most guys just don't listen. I know that guys not listening is a pretty normal and stereotypical complaint from women.
This play isn't really isn't a last ditch effort because I'm not trying to to put effort into it. I'm not planning things out. I'm going with the flow this time around.
I have the will to let her go now because I know she's right this time. I agree with her now. I probably won't change. I didn't even fully listen to you guys' advice. I only really paid attention to the ones I wanted to read. I don't listen because I always think I'm right. It's a character flaw on my part. It's just who I am.
Thanks for sticking it out with me. Thanks for telling me things I should have known all along. I had to learn them myself and that's fine. They'll mean more that way.
Most of all, I'm going to be with my friends more. Today I'm going to a water park to just relax and have fun. Thursday I'll invite someone over. Friday I'm already taken by another friend. Saturday is the play. I haven't planned Sunday yet.
Your problem is not so much in whether you listen or if you are hard headed as much as it is in the way you interpret things and try to work everything out in your head instead of chillin and just enjoying. Over analyzing and putting your perspective into every situation is killing you from getting anywhere.
Ha, that's gold. Under normal circumstances I'd encourage you to get an aplogy, but your past behavior doesn't warrant one. You kept on playing her games and showing her how weak you can be. She was smart enough to take advantage of your vulnerability.Quote:
Originally Posted by reckless
Stop thinking about everything and leave this whole thing alone, forever.
Very true. I can't speculate on what might happen anymore. I can't even care. I have to just let it happen and let things be natural. If I just be myself and she doesn't want me back then it's not meant to be. I've been way over the top with all of this. I have no real rationale for my actions except that I've been through this before and I'm even more scared this time aroundQuote:
Originally Posted by N0help4u
Good luck on starting NC. You had made the right decision. :) I have a way if it feels like the world is on your shoulder when you undergoing NC. Keep a calendar, mark as the day goes by, write little note on how you feel if your calendar has some space. Every 90 days check your progress, I can guarantee you if you're strong, you will feel so much more relax and happier with life without her as your partner.
__________________________________________________ _
NC since 29th June
You're not the only one who only heeds the advice that they want to hear. A lot of people who are first time posters here do that.Quote:
I didn't even fully listen to you guys' advice. I only really paid attention to the ones I wanted to read. I don't listen because I always think I'm right. It's a character flaw on my part. It's just who I am.
This is what you should have been doing weeks ago. I'm glad you are finally coming around. These are the things that will allow you to finally get over her and move forward in your life.Quote:
most of all, I'm going to be with my friends more. Today I'm going to a water park to just relax and have fun. Thursday I'll invite someone over. Friday I'm already taken by another friend. Saturday is the play. I haven't planned Sunday yet.
I'm starting to believe you are finally moving in the right direction. Now stick to it! LOL!
I guess I have to work on my comprehension and interpretation skills! :DQuote:
N0help4u agrees: I think he said he is going to the play but she sold her ticket and isn't going
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