I just wanted to give you all an update and again say thanks for all your help and support. I have now hit the 1 week point of NC and feel a little better, I'm not going to text him ever again. I even tested myself and looked at his girlfriend profile pic (im not her friend so I can't see any info just her profile pic) and the profile pic had changed to a piture of her and my ex together wrapped in each others arms. Do you know what, it didn't bother me in the slightest!! All I thought was that I really feel sorry them them both. Him because he is a compulsive lair and cheat and her because her boyfriend has been going back her back telling me and god knows how many other woman that he loves them and wants to be with them,!

Every time I think of him I think of how much he lied and hur me and that makes me not want to go back for more. Ive broken NC before and really regretted doing that each and ever time. There's no way that I'm going back and feeling like that again

Thanks again for all your help xx

Glad your staying strong Louise, good for you. I just think now you have finally seen the whole picture, and what a cheat and liar he is. Sometimes when were caught up in the situation, its hard to see past it. Our emotions are running high, then all of a sudden something just clicks. We have all been through it. Let me tell you, my lowest days when things looked bleak, and when your going through relationship problems it's the people here that make you strong and make you see the light. We are here for you, and good luck.

Once you close that chapter of your life, You can open another, and see other options and opportunities to be happy. You really don't have to test yourself, I don't think, as life will do that for you. Your doing good though keep it up.

I'm glad that things are going okay. You've past the first week and that's really great and a good reason to be proud. I'm also happy for you that you can see him for what he is now.

And remember that we're here for you. If you need us!

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Originally Posted by roxypox

I'm glad that things are going okay. You've past the first week and thats really great and a good reason to be proud. I'm also happy for you that you can see him for what he is now.

And remember that we're here for you. If you need us!

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Thanks everyone for there kind words, its like I've finally woken up and smelt the roses as they say and I think they smelt of s**t!! I really don't care what he does and who it does it with, I no longer have to worry over whether he is telling me the truth or who's bed he is in tonight and that's such a weight off my shoulders. Id never go back in a million years and I can't wait for the day for him to text me old mobile and wait for my reply THAT Isn't GOING TO HAPPEN LOL!!

I will never even look in his direction if I see him about he not only has hurt me once but three or four times. I think they say fool me once shame on you but fool me twice same on me ? Well I'm being shamed no more. Ive found that self respect that I lost and I'm finally on the way up - watch out world I'm coming through lol :p:p:p

Louise, I thought you were cutting off all contact? Why would you even reply to him and even answer him, its adding fuel to the fire. NO CONTACT IS NO CONTACT... If you say your strong than means nothing no answering no nothing. YOU have came this far, don't blow it now.. that's the satisfaction you want him to have?

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Originally Posted by sully123

Louise, I thought you were cutting off all contact? Why would you even reply to him and even answer him, its adding fuel to the fire. NO CONTACT IS NO CONTACT.... If you say your strong than means nothing no answering no nothing. YOU have came this far, don't blow it now.. thats the satisfaction you want him to have?

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sully123, thanks for the reply, I don't understand why you think I'm going to contact him. Il never contact hi ever again or want to be contacted by him. I said in my last post that if he contacts me then I'm never going to reply, he will expect me too but I'm not going to. He thinks that I will come running when he is bored, he has got another thing coming this time. Don't worry l be strong and won't break my resolve this time. :D:D:D

Look follow your heart before your mind

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Originally Posted by nothing lasts

look follow your heart before your mind

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I don't think that is a wise move, my heart says that I love him but my mind says that I would never be able to trust him and would always be wondering if he is telling the truth.

Anyway, just a quick update, I'm on day 17 of NC and I'm doing fine,he even text me again the other day (I knew he would eventually, he just can't deleted my number like I have deleted his). Anyway he text me on Sat and I haven't replied. I think he got a bit confused and thought I was pregnant and said congrats and wished me well. Then on Tuesday night his girlfriend ended up ringing my mate (when my mate was texting my ex he has kept the number and his girlfriend has got it)at 2am!! Saying that they had broke up and wanted to know info on him etc. I wouldn't mind but the day before this now ex girlfriend was texting my mate calling her all the names under the sun.

Anyway, I'm staying out of it all and keeping busy, like I said I'm on day 17 of NC and feel wonderful. I couldn't help but smile when I knew they had split up, I just hope she sees him for what he is but I doubt it to be honest. I wouldn't have him back now if he begged, its onwards and upwards for me WITHOUT HIM

Hi

All I just wanted to give you an update on my progress. Well things were going great for me and the NC was going well. He then split up with his GF and started the texts to me again, but this time it's a whole lot worse than before, he says that he can't be with anyone else but me and that he loves me so much and has never stopped loving me. He now has started to self harm (cutting my name into his skin) apparently, he says that we are now going to be together forever?

I got a text the other day from his friend (but I think it was him) saying that my ex was in hospital, so I rang the hospital and they said no one under that name had been admitted, I just knew deep down he did this for my attention, when I finally got through to him (just in case it wasn't a stunt and then I would have felt bad) he said that he has to go to the hospital 3 times a week to talk about the self harming otherwise he will get taken in on daycare.

I just don't know what to do for the best I do love him and want to be there for him but I'm with someone now and don't want to hurt them?
His texts read, I've carved your name into my skin with a blade so you will be with me forever, and your name is on me forever now, I have you in me always. Somedays il text him and he won't text me back for days, its like he likes me worrying about him. Its like he gets kicks out of me worrying.

What do I do, I just don't know if he is telling the truth about his self harming or its just another one of his lies , please could you give me some help as I'm at my wits end. Ive just started a CIM marketing diploma course and so I'm very busy and this is just going down the pan quickly with all the worry I have over my ex

Its time you had another wakeup call and started smelling the coffee again.
He is messing you about.
If he is selfharming he should get treatment but this has nothing to do with you.
Leave his dramas be and ignore his manipulations.

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Originally Posted by amicon

Its time you had another wakeup call and started smelling the coffee again.
He is messing you about.
If he is selfharming he should get treatment but this has nothing to do with you.
Leave his dramas be and ignore his manipulations.

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I really need to stop caring about him I know, apparently he drove past my house yesterday but I was away so that really got on his nearves!!

It just feels like he wants me when there is no one else around to give him the attention, I do love him but he drives me crazy with his lies and apparent self harming. He said that he did love me and asked me to have a baby with him and get married to prove his love? Don't worry that isn't going to happen as I'm far to sensible for that, but I'm so confused and hurt. I asked why he cuts himself and he said because of me. That really hurt me, if I stay in contact then we both just end up getting knowhere and start arguing or if I leave I'm scared he may hurt himself because of me and il have that burden to carry for the rest of my life. This is making me ill

You really need to enforce the NC, a lot better. Until you do he will always have a foot in the door to drag you back to him. I think you know this.

Even worse holding on to each other will spoil anything you try to do, as your seeing first hand. Is that fair to your new partner?

He s trying to emotionally blackmail you.
He is responsible for his own actions,no one else.
Don't fall back into his gameplaying.

He says that he loves me and wants to be with me but I feel that when something better comes along he will be out the door, there is no trust there and my relationship is suffering with my partner.

Why is he self harming, or if he is lying about doing that then why would he do that?

To turn around and to say to someone that they will be in you forever because they have cut there name into there skin is a bit strange.

Ive tried to tell him I'm leaving and that I hope he gets help and he text me back and said "yes you go running like the rest of them when they know im ill, you can run but il always have your name on me forever ????? "

I don't care what he does, or what he says. You have been down this road before, so stop listening to the fool, or keep suffering the consequences of breaking No Contact, and being his puppet.

You can't reason with a stupid idiot, and being made to feel guilty is YOU, not wanting to let go. How dare you allow this jerk to run your life.

Talaniman, how do I walk away from this? How do I walk and not care if he cuts himself ? How can I live with myself if he hurts himself?

The thread you posted says: He lies about everything-give that some serious thought. Never mind WHY he lies, for your own sake-IGNORE HIM.

I feel like I'm cracking up with the pressure myself, he don't care about me some days, he just ignores my texts and thinks il be there when he is ready to talk again.

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he just ignores my texts and thinks I'll be there when he is ready to talk again.

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So far he has been right hasn't he? Stop answering his texts, what part of that do you not understand? That's not NO Contact your doing, your just being manipulated and lied to yet again. Read this post,
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...?=#post2039716

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Quote by Destiny09
He doesn't want anyone else to have you either so by keep coming back your always there for him... as and when he wants.

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Its time to put your foot down, and stop accepting this kind of behavior for yourself. Do the work required by NC, and leave the jerk alone and let him pay the consequences of his actions, not you. Keep this selfish fiend out of your life as he sure isn't showing you love or respect, so deserves none from you.

What's worse is the real victim is your new partner, who is being deprived of a real chance at happiness because your more concerned with an idiot, than yourself, or him. How sick is that?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

So far he has been right hasn't he? Stop answering his texts, what part of that do you not understand? Thats not NO Contact your doing, your just being manipulated and lied to yet again. Read this post,
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...?=#post2039716


Its time to put your foot down, and stop accepting this kind of behavior for yourself. Do the work required by NC, and leave the jerk alone and let him pay the consequences of his actions, not you. Keep this selfish fiend out of your life as he sure isn't showing you love or respect, so deserves none from you.

Whats worse is the real victim is your new partner, who is being deprived of a real chance at happiness because your more concerned with an idiot, than yourself, or him. How sick is that?

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Thanks Talaniman, you are so right, I do love him and MAYBE he loves me? But there is no trust there and he treats me like s$%t when he does come back into my life. Im just so scared that he is going to do something silly though, I understand that I have no control over what he does but he says that ITS BECAUSE OF ME that he carves my name into his skin. That makes me feel very guily and low

I understand, but your looking at this through pure emotions, and not seeing the facts of the matter.

He doesn't love you, but you wanted him too. His actions are not those of love, but desperation. That's really twisted, and he is twisting you to be like him.

Now don't make me call you names that you don't want to hear. But its as frustrating for us to go through this with you, and we do care and want you happy, and emotionally healthy.

If you just do the NC, things would get better over time, and we would all be happy.

Tal.
Having to spread rep-but agree 100%-Louise-the guy s old news and he s bad news.
Please do the NC.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I understand, but your looking at this thru pure emotions, and not seeing the facts of the matter.

He doesn't love you, but you wanted him too. His actions are not those of love, but desperation. Thats really twisted, and he is twisting you to be like him.

Now don't make me call you names that you don't want to hear. But its as frustrating for us to go thru this with you, and we do care and want you happy, and emotionally healthy.

If you just do the NC, things would get better over time, and we would all be happy.

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No please don't call me names as I really couldn't take that right now lol!! I've dropped him a text to let him know that my phone is gpoing off and now that I'm gone out of his life that I hope he stops cutting himself. I do need to concentrate on me and my partner but its so hard. I understand that you probably hear lots of stories like mine (I did read the link you sent me on the last page, thank you) but I don't know anyone else who is/has gone through this self harming issue with an ex before?

I want to move on and it hurts me to read above when you stated that he don't love me, but your probably correct, he says he would die for me etc etc and that I'm his one true love and that he can never be with anyone else as he would never love them like he loves me but that's all a lie probably.
I just don't know how to move on and forget about someone that it backmailing me with self harming?

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blackmailing me with self harming?

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Its more common than you think, and sadly a lot of young people are doing it. There are many such stories like yours in the TEEN section of this forum.

Its always about control, not love. It's the sign of a sick, twisted mind, that needs help, professional help.

Ordinary folks can't help them.

I thought he may love me, he tells me often enough but then his words or actions don't match up, I think your right when you say its about control, he wants to control me and because I won't be with him he hurts himself to get attention I think. Don't get me wrong I'm no expert on the matter.

Ive just found out that a close family member has got terminal cancer so I'm finding things a lot harder to deal with a the minute, I've not told me ex about this as he only cares about himself and his life. He don't think that there canbe anything wrong in anybody else's life apart from his.

Loise,
I just read your first few posts and the last few. At the beginning, you asked "why" he lies and here at the end you are wondering whether he loves you. I can tell you that in both cases it does not matter.

It is not your job to figure how why he lies, why he cuts himself, whether he really loves you, and the many other questions his behavior raises. He is an unsuitable partner and it would be a mistake for you to spend the rest of your life with him or even several years (during which you have children and must then, finally and blessedly, divorce). He is not your burden to bear and the details of his psychology are not your problem. Every time you start to wonder why he did or said something, stop yourself and remind yourself it doesn't matter and think about something more pleasant.

The voice of experience

No Contact with the ex for any reason.

I'm going NC again, I'm just going to have to concentrate on me for a bit rather than spend my time wondering whether he is dead in a ditch as awful as that sounds.

Thanks you all for your words of advice , lets hope I can stick to it, I'm sure I've got the will power to not let him ruin my life like he is currently doing

You've been broken up for months, but every time you contact him, you reset all the progress.

You're not the only person who has difficulty starting and sticking with no contact. It's a really tough phase. You should also know that the pain can get ever worse in the early stages of no contact. But once it reaches its pinacle, it will only get easier from there.

It's all about will power. If you ever feel the urge to break no contact, feel free to post your urge here and we'll set you start. You can also try reading this thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...es-351302.html

I've made a terrible mistake well approx 4 terrible mistakes already today, I've text the ex 4 times to ask why is he ignoring me all of a sudden!! I really regret doing this now and feel stupid.
Do you think this is what he wants, for me to keep bombarding him with texts asking about his welfare? He has replied to any texts I've sent since Sunday morning when he drove past my house and he found out I was away for the weekend.
How do I stop caring when he can't even be bothered to reply to my texts when I see if he is OK
Please help, any advice will be seriously appreciated

By texting him you re playing straight into his manipulative little mindgames.
Do you want to spend months and years reinacting this drama?
Stop your texts, detox from this person and get on with your own life and be happy.

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Originally Posted by amicon

By texting him you re playing straight into his manipulative little mindgames.
Do you want to spend months and years reinacting this drama?
Stop your texts, detox from this person and get on with your own life and be happy.

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Your so right amicon, hence why I felt such a fool after I text him 4 times today to see if he is OK but he is yet to respond. Why would he ignore my texts though?

That's why I wrote detox-you need to go cold turkey on him.
No more contact. Ever.

Thank you for your advice, my friend has (rightly or wrongly) text him today to say leave me alone and that she knows he is lying regarding cutting my name into his arm, she told him a few home truths that were probably very nasty but she said that they needed to be said.
Im going to get on with my life somehow? Trying to switch my emootions off is going to be hard be I've enough to try and occupy myself with at the moment, I've got 6000 word essay to write before the end of Nov.

My and my ex couldn't be any different really, they say opposites attract but I don't know if that's the case here. Im 31, got my own house, a degree and a masters, nice car and he is living at home with his parents at 30 with no qualifications and no enthusiasm for life.

I just don't know how I stop loving someone like that but I understand that NC is really my only option at the minute. I feel like I'm losing the plot big time by keep texting him and being ignored, it hurts me so much that he don't care about my feelings only his own xxx

You re doing well in life-and you deserve to be happy.
Good luck with the essay.

Thanks amicon, I really don't feel like I'm doing well in life, on the outside I may seem happy but inside everyday is a struggle for me with my ex and what he is doing xxx

I'm just so so down and don't know how to lift this feeling? The pain that he has put me through, I just don't understand why he would do this to me. Im trying to get my head straigh to start my essay but all I can think of is him and what if he is hurting himself. It just feels like a circle and I really do want to break the circle as I've had enough of going round and round and ending up the one who is hurt and ignored

Hi Louise,

If I may be blunt, I think you have become used to drama or even a bit addicted to it. It may not come naturally to you, but in your relationship with your ex, there's a constant cycle of breaking up and making up. You seemed pulled to make up with him even when there is absolutely no possibility of being happy with this man. As you pointed out yourself, you deserve better.

I wonder if you don't partly feel that you SHOULD care whether he cuts himself? Well, I'm here to give you permission not to care. You do not have to worry about it. From what you've said, you think he's making it up. Your instincts are probably right, since you know him best. But what if he has really done it? Well, so he has a weird scar for the rest of the his life. His problem, not yours. Frankly, it's unlikely he would have the courage to do it. But if he has, his parents will get him to a doctor. You are not his mother--although it seems like he interacts with you as if you were a parent.

Think long term. Ask yourself, where do I want to be in five years? Do I want to be having drama with X? Envision for yourself what you want. It sounds like you've done a lot to get yourself to that vision already if you have a house, a masters and a career. Do you want to be married? Do you want children? Do you want to travel or accomplish some specific career goal? Do you want to do something for the world around you? You seem talented and able. How are you going to use that? Whatever it is, you can't do it with your ex in the picture because he is a human ball and chain who will drag you down as long as you are thinking about him instead of your own plans.

Throw yourself into the essay and don't think about X. This is YOUR life, not his.

Be strong! I know you have it in you to stop texting this noodlehead. :)