amicon, glad you said that.
Was thinking the same thing

Why do you think she was that important for your own happiness? Why can't you be happy ALONE? You need to take an ACTIVE role in healing. NC is only the starting point to get better. You need to make a plan, tell yourself enough is enough, and go out there. Do whatever you need to do.

There is going to be pain and lots of it, but with sport, going out... your brain is going to let go of the pain. If you stay home and do nothing, then yes you are going to be in pain, in shock...

I believe you have been wallowing in your own pity and you lost touch of the world. The world is what you make it out to be. You are in shock right now, but believe us when we tell you, you are going to get better. Be active, don't stay home. If you hate staying home, then go out and do lots of sports. Getting better is not that hard.

Guys,

you are NOT harsh... you are simply telling the truth and I know it, too.

This is the first time I look at myself with open eyes... I look at myself with honest eyes... I look at myself with critical eyes and I don't like what I see.

I see a therapist, a psyhcologist to be exact, and tomorrow I will get a second opinion from a psychiatrist. My GP asked me to go there to determine if I may need medication, ambulant or maybe even in-patient treatment for my depression.

I speak a lot about it, not only the break-up but also about other things. Currently, I am starting to open up all the old bottles that I put in my inner wine cellar and there are plenty... plenty...

Basically I am a psychological wreck currently.

I think many of the things that my ex told me are hitting me badly and I started to question myself, my attitude, my behaviour towards the people, my personality, my actions etc etc etc. I started to look at myself and realised that I am not that wonderful person that many others see in me.

I think the biggest issue is that I am just disappointed in myself, lost self-esteem and self-respect. My self-image of being a caring, reflected and sensitive person is crumbling in front of me. I always thought I understand the people around me, but I don't.

And the more I reflect on myself, the more I become angry at myself... and I never dealt well with anger... I bottle it up. My self-expectation and my actual performance are miles away from each other, especially in these days.

This is eating me up from the inside... I question my whole identity or at least what I believed I am... the strenghts I thought I possess are turning out to be an illusion... my ability to hurt people and not understand what I am doing wrong and what they actually need and want from me is overwhelming me...

I think this is the worst... the realisation of me being ignorant to other people's feelings, hurt and pain they went through while being in any sort of relationship with me... either friends, partners or family.

I put them through a lot sometimes... and I believed I do not really hurt them and couldn't understand their point of view... because I never was in their situation... my ability of empathy is far less developed than I thought it is. I turn out to be very egocentric and convinced of my own actions, ideas and values... and I see myself as being narrow-minded and intolerant... not a person who can compromise easily...

Everything I discover currently is shocking me so deeply... in my self-image and my outlook on the world. I realise that I walked in my own world, closed up and not capable of understanding the world of the others. I always believed that the way I am leading my life is good, how I am dealing with my ex is good and that I make her happy and do not really hurt her. Reality is a complete different story.

I hurt her over and over and over and over again. And not only her, but also others... my bubble burst...

My basic problem is not the break-up, it is rather my feeling of guilt, my new achieved self-awareness that shocks my former self-image and results in self-doubt, self-criticism, self-disappointment and loss of self-respect.

And I just cannot deal with this currently. I cannot deal with all the disappointment, with the knowledge that I hurt so many people along my way... and not strangers, but people who were and are close to me... and often over and over and over again...

... and often in the exact way I did it before, some years back and although people told me about it straight and told me what is going wrong... I never really understood... I was never able to adapt my behaviour... I don't know why...

... now I can see clear and it is hard for me to let go of all my former mistakes and actions that caused so much pain...

... the key for me is F O R G I V I N G myself... letting go of my mistakes, accept it and R E A L L Y start learning from it and start growing to become a responsible adult who knows how to care for himself and for others in a proper way... I just don't know how to...

This whole thing is not simply about the partnership and my ex but about ME... about me and how I lead my life and treat the people around me.

I know that I lost her forever. There is no f... ing chance of getting back together. Too much $hit has happened, mostly indicated from my side. The way I treated her sometimes was respectless and not worthy for a partner, not worthy for her... I know I did not know different and always acted according to my best knowledge. Yet it is so freaking hard for me to accept it and just let go because it is so against my self-image, so against the way I would like to be...

For everyone there is his/her time to change... I had two ot three chances in my life already and life has treated me very kindly so far... it is time for me to pay back to life and treat life kindly...

The biggest pain is not the break-up after all... it is the dissapointment in myself, the loss of self-respect and my self-image... the conclusion that the way I treat my loved ones and not taking them serious or rather not being able to process and include their words into my system and adapt my behaviour is killing me...

realising that you are not the person who thought you are is one of the hardest things that can happen to you... and I am at this point...

That's good news-you re getting help.and we re here as well-warts and all! Keep posting.:-)

Going through life changing events is never without pain, but making some new adjustments is also very hard to do.

Your growing and learning, about yourself, and rebuilding yourself in your own image, which is hard for most, but all of us humans go through this. You will be okay in time... and a lot of hard work, though.

Hey tando, I've also managed to read the entire thread. There's been a lot of posts, so I'm a little unsure if anyone's told you this, but there's a very strong truth to the statement that time heals all wounds. You mentioned a couple of times that all your progress has been for nothing, that you've gone back to the very beginning. But I'm quite sure this is impossible, because as time passes so too will you heal. When you get cut on the leg, there's only a brief pain right? This is because the cause of the pain, the cut, only lasted that one moment. Your body soon heals, and the pain will stop.

When you get left by someone, all you have to really acknowledge is that they've really left you. Once you do, you will start to change whether you know it. Before, at the moment of the break up, you were Michael, the guy who couldn't believe he really lost the love of his life. Now you're Michael, the guy who's lost the love of his life. Whether it's for better or worse, the image of yourself has been changed, and you'll continue to grow as a single person. Now your heart is already starting to mend. Will you let yourself go past all these old mistakes, or are you going to keep slicing those old cuts open again? Because I've been there, and no matter how many times you cut yourself, your heart will never go back to being what it used to be.

That's life, it changes.

Keep up the fight to become who you want to be,
From another Michael who's very similar to you

I would like to add, eventually when Michael has healed he will find a new love and she might be the true love of his life, we always think our ex was the one, maybe we were wrong and the next one will be the one for real...

After all if it was the love of our life wouldn't we still be together?

Yes I think you re right.they re exes for a reason aren't they? Lol.

You guys are great!!

Thank you very much.

I think it is true that I am healing... slowly... very slowly. I do my first steps back in reality... it will be a long way and I slowly accept it...
Funnily, today my ex called (she called twice last night but I did not answer, because I knew it is her and I did not want to talk to her) and was asking about some stuff that I still have of her and how I want to get it to her.

We had an okay chat. Both stayed calm and somehow polite.

Throughout the conversation I stayed rather calm and cool and only after the conversation I felt funny. Had to cry a bit and called a dear friend to express my emotions. It is strange to have talken to her in this manner since our last meeting was so strange. When she was sooooo cold. Complete opposite to what I experienced last.

Sometimes I feel like I am still stuck in May 2009, maybe just two weeks after the break-up and time or life hasn't proceeded. As if all the events in the past 4 months did not happen... it is still some sort of denial, I guess... nevertheless I am trying hard to concentrate on my personal life and get it back on track. The realisation will kick in one day and probably hit me badly by then, but I will deal with it then.

Sometimes I do have the feeling that I don't miss her, but rather miss me being around her... so actually I miss MYSELF!!

Do you know the movie "Groundhog Day" starring Bill Murray... occasionally I feel like the main character. Stuck in a circle and it is really hard to get out of it. Every day seems so similar...

But I also look at my small steps... small positive steps... and I am trying to forget about that guilt trip of mine... I am trying to accept that I acted the way I did because I did not know better... and so did she... both of us never meant to hurt each other intentionally... it just happened. We were not ready for each other... and maybe not even meant... tiping this is not easy, let me tell you!!

For now, I am getting of my butt and will make the best of this day... no high expectations but rather trying to appreciate each small step...

Catch you later, guys...

Michael

That's good news you re starting to heal now I feel.and you can rebuild your relationship with yourself.
Groundhog day-was watching that the other day.:-)

Wow, just read a threat about stalking...

I definitely do not want to become such a pain, but in the end, I am not doing all the things defined to be a stalker... only thing is that I cannot let go and move on yet, but at least I leave her alone more or less, respect her decision (although I do not realise it yet) and try to get myself in order...

I am relieved to be able to say that about me ;-D...

Looking forward to a chilling evening with friends. Cooking and watchting a movie. It is called "As it is in heaven" - swedish movie. Really recommendable by the way...

Will try and post less in the future... and rather do other things ;-)

Thank you again, guys...

No you re not a stalker!glad you re feeling better-you re watching one of my favourite films-lol swedish Monica

Nice! It's always great to see people getting better.

It is a fantastic movie!! Serious...

Gave me some goose bumps and a few moments of almost crying... it is a MUST-SEE!!

And although the break-up is still hurting badly and will do so for a long time to go (she is a unique person, but not the only one and not for me right now), I see clearer again. I can look at myself and see my issues and am really eager to work at them...

This break-up might be the best thing that happened to me once I am looking back in my life and determine an event that triggered something really positive...

Geeze, I am changing attitude, I am changing perspective and that is part of life, isn't it. It is also some sort of healing already... and healing does not need to happen if you moved on... there are people like me, who start healing before they are capable of letting go and move on... am I right?!

Holy , the partnership gave me so much and we had a great time, but it was time for her to move on since I was no marriage material and not good for her anymore and it was time for me to realise a few things that I need to change and wasn't able to change because I was stuck in my perspective...

I am seriously thankful for the months and years with her... it was no ing wsate of time for me... and maybe in the end, I will gain even more of this than she will...

Anyhow, my day started good. Got up straight after waking up, got my teeth brushed, wrote an important email already and feel energy for the day although I am also sitting her with tears in my eye, missing my ex, but also a little smile thinking about all the good times and appreciating it big time... One day I will close this chapter of my life and start a new one... I just need to write a good ending and then find a good closure :-)...

Guys, I am sad and happy at the same time... it is wonderful... I know I will be back to rock bottom days, but today is good and this is important!!

Cheers and catch you soon,

Michael

Lol :-)

Lol for what?

Glad you doing better bro.

I had the best date of my life last night. I met an amazing woman. I won't talk about it here though. Follow my thread...

Hey guys,

Just an update.

I am clinging back to life. Slowly, very slowly, I do my first steps. Getting more active and trying to fulfil my duties.

I even met a young woman on the train and she gave me an amazing tickly feeling. She was great. Unfortunately she is living in a relationship, but the pure feeling was really good. It showed me that there are also other women than my ex that interest me.

The next morning I was down again though. I am still stuck in this partnership and I fight with myself and my behaviour during the relationship and especially after the break-up. I am trying to move on, but it seems very hard for me since I put her up on this pedestal and it is very hard for anybody to get even close. This will escort me through my life... the knowledge that I had a shot with this wonderful person and somehow blew it. I still do not realise that we are on no-speaking terms and the relationship is on ice...
If you met her, you'd be asking yourself, how I could let her go, seriously...
... but in the end, she let me go and it was time for her to move on... I was not good for her anymore and she had to leave and proceed with her life... she cannot wait for me to get ready for all this... I cannot blame her...

I know that eventually I will have to let go, but something deep inside me stops this process. And it is not healthy at all.

On the other hand, I am realising that I am wasting my time and my life away. Four months since the break-up. This is an amazing long time and people can change their life. It is time for me... to look at reality and accept the fact that I "lost" this wonderful person who gave me so much joy, love, dedication, appreciation and sense into my life.

I still do love her, no matter what happened and I know that by behaving the way I did after the break-up, I tore down the remaining bridges between us, I did not give her any chance but to cut me out of her life. Accepting this behaviour is freaking difficult and I humiliated myself. I destroyed her picture of me and also my own picture of myself.

I look at myself with open eyes and see many things I do not like.

Plenty of has been happening in my past and people tell me that circumstances shape us and make us the people we are. But in the end, it is up to US to determine the outcome... and I am putting myself down here. I am not giving myself a fair chance... I am giving up on myself and that is not fair.

I am a person who can give love to others and do everything needed for them, make them feel special and beautiful. On the other hand, I sometimes cannot see their point of view and act according to my idea of what is best for them and disregard their wishes and needs... so ambivalent...

Additionally as soon as it comes to myself, I am struggling badly. I have it hard to do something good for myself...

Guys, getting over this story will probably take me ages... I am still not realising the consequences of what happened. I am still hoping for a change and that we might find back together and this is - looking at the facts - completely nonsense and unreal. The bridges are burnt and I put them on fire. The gap between us is huge and, honestly, I do not know if we will be able to overcome this gap ever again. Probably not...

Dealing with my own mistakes and letting go is one of my biggest weaknesses, as well as setting new goals, rediscovering my old aims and just continuing with life...

I do make slow progress, but it is time for me to do bigger steps as well...

I think you should stick around here and help others out. You would be amazed at how much offering advice to others in your situation can help your sense of self. We often get caught up too much in our own problems, which is self destructive and most often wasteful.

Yes that's very true kc - its helping most of us posters Id say.Michael you re getting there.one day the pain will be gone.

Yes that's very true kc - its helping most of us posters Id say.Michael you re getting there.one day the pain will be gone.

Yes I believe in that too, by giving advice and sharing your experience with others you heal quicker and you are one step further to meeting the ''right'' person for you.

Every time I spend time with my new girl I discover things about her that she loves, things that my ex hated. For instance, I play with her hair and mess it up and she loves it. My ex would say don't touch my hair your messing it up.

These little things help forget my ex even more. I see my new girl appreciates the simple things.

Do not be afraid to be selective, make sure the next one has a good attitude and is a flexible giver and you won't get hurt.

That's actually great Tando. Now is the time to put all that into practice. Have a great time and take care of yourself but don't jump into another relationship yet. Live your single life for a while. Life is not about finding the "right" one, life is about pursuing your dreams and achieving your goals. Finding a mate shouldn't be in your dreams or in your goals.

Hey guys,

I don't think I will jump into a new relationship. That will take a long time for me to be ready for something new and especially something fair towards the other part. As long as I haven't moved on and let go of my ex, there is no way I can get involved again. I am aware that this may take me a long time, but hey, it is not about mateship, but rather about finding your own way and destiny. I trust that I will get back on track and realise my true purpose... I do not have one currently, But I strongly believe it will return...

My purpose in life turned into being there for my ex... I neglected my duties and became so focused on her, so she was my purpose, my goal and my aim, my center of life. Also some kind of distraction from dealing with myself eventually... some sort of protection system... as long as I can look after someone else, I do not have to look after myself... And as paxe said, a person cannot be your sole and main goal... she can be part of it or escort you there, but never BE the goal.

Usually you always meet someone when you least expect it, don't you? At least that happened to me and my past relationships...

Nevertheless my ex triggered something that I was never capable of telling her... a longing for stability, for routine, for a place I can fully call "home" and she was the person, I felt right to include in this new picture. But I never told her all that and wasn't able to act accordingly either... so strange...

I learnt a lot about myself over the past four months. Many things that simply hurt, because I realised how unsensible I was towards her feelings, her pain, her needs and her problems. It shocked me to realise, how "badly" I treated her and what a negative effect my behaviour had on the partnership and on her. I never meant to hurt her, but still did... At least, I realise and will be able to take a closer look next time...

... but it hurts the most, that before getting to this point, I had to lose this wonderful person and hurt her in the process...

... I do not care about my pain too much, because that is for me, but I care too much about her pain that I inflicted and caused... it is far harder for me to deal with the fact that I hurt her so much emotionally...

Guys, I will try and share my experience with others and advice... I think I have a lot to tell about breaking NC, not letting go, need to move on and concentrate on yorself, forgiving yourself etc... lots of healing to do... personal healing, because in the end, she did what she had to do and I never felt really hurt during the partnership... Only the break-up really hurts and the dissappointment in myself...

Seriously, I do not even know what can make me happy currently. I seldom smile or laugh and if then it is not from my heart...


You really have to stop looking at others to define your happiness, and start looking into the wonderful person you are and once you forgive yourself, you will find happiness again. Take your time, it will happen for you.

Sooo confused it will happen too you too.

Hey guys,

An update:

Last week I got the remaining stuff back to her without meeting her. That was good. Nevertheless, I HAD (be aware irony :-) to write a short email and explain, why I added certain stuff. And then I couldn't stop myself and tell her stuff like... "you are a great woman... you will be contend in your professional and private life... a man who had a shot at you and didn't make it happen simply does not deserve you... I hope your next man will love you right, appreciate you right and bla bla bla..." I even sent it off!! I could beat myself up for such a bloody nonsense!! Damn, I loved her right, I appreciated her right and I even deserved her... don't know why I brownnose with her...

She'll probably read it and think: Not one thing has he learned yet, roll her eyes and be reassured in her opinion...

Only minutes after I sent off the mail, I knew that it was a pure mistake... I make myself small in front of her and I know I don't need to do so... I still did... and I embarrass myself, humiliate myself... How stupid... I was close to hitting my head against the wall - literally...

Anyhow, damage done once again and eventually learned from it... for good... don't ask me why, but I know... and I feel it ;-)...

Otherwise, I had a weekend, feeling down, being home at my Mum's place and received so many reminders. Today, back in my student city, I feel better, more active and actually started to get stuff done, that I need to get done asap. Proud of myself. Even my moods are better. Looking forward to practise tonight.

Today morning I was sitting in front of my laptop, worked a bit and suddenly a very happy feeling overcame me... I started to smile at myself and was somehow proud that I managed to sit down and get something productive done... and then I even shed some tears of happiness but also sadness... mixed emotions... but it was really good...

And then a little but somehow important "success story" about "NC".
In the afternoon I received an email from my ex. It's about cancelling the shared account she was still using. Forgot about it. She assumed we have to do that together and I thought "$hit... I do have to meet her again..." really do not want to... I want to get away from her eventually. The message pushed down my moods, but this time, I was able to pull myself together and keep a cool head. So I went to the branch and asked for options. I collected a form, signed it and will drop it in her postbox. This way I will not have to see her... write a short email stating "check your post box please" and then this is done...

Sometimes I even realise that I do not miss her anymore... I am living by myself now and she is gone... so the only pain is coming from within... from my heart and head... and it is me who is causing this pain... and if I am careful enough, I can control it, if I dare ;-).

Okay, so much from me... On Wednesday I will be away from here for another 8 days... looking forward to it... planning to get work done, do sports (running and badminton), meet dear people and also relax a bit... will be a good time, I am sure...

Should've done that long ago... had four f... ing months, but my weak mind and trouble stopped me... this time I do have the feeling, something clicked within me and I am ready to rock'n'roll...

... and I even listened to your advice and I try to assist others with my personal story. I hope it will help and I actually feel good about it... Trying to prevent others to endure the same pain and do the same bloody mistakes I did!!

Damm bro, you've been doing almost as good as me when I started NC. You have a lot of courage.
Actually you are the perfect example of what people should be doing, study, work out, being sociable, going out... and feeling better about yourself. Don't forget there is tons of girls out there, but now you have to concentrate on yourself.

paxe... if you read the whole threat, then you'll realise that I am the best example how NOT to do it in the first place... it took me a long time to get to this point... bloody four months... and I am planning to do work... planning to do sports and planning to socialise... don't know how to get it done yet... and if I succeed... but it did the first steps...

The past four months I actually wasted away in my self-pity, didn't leave my room some days and only distracted myself online with movies and series (watched all 8 seasons of Scrubs for example)... only in the last two weeks... slowly but surely I start getting better... I am flipping not a good example... only now I start to do the right thing that I should've done in the first place...

... and I am not worried about girls... I try and meet some, but with no serious intentions... just clean fun... it is about me and my future and career now... I have to put myself first and then I will see...

Actually I read about it but I forgot a bit. What I meant is that you show a lot of positive signs and that's actually great. But you are right 4 month is a long time, time to take care of yourself and heal. Don't start slowly sport and socializing. You should do it everyday. It's quite normal you have been in pain, you haven't taken care of yourself.

In 3 month after my ex broke up with me, I lost 22 pounds and I have never been in that great of shape before. Don't think about it, just train and exercise. Every day you will feel better.

Quote:

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Paxe... if you read the whole threat, then you'll realize that I am the best example how NOT to do it in the first place...

---

I see you as a perfect example of realizing your mistakes, learning from them, and making the right adjustments for yourself.

Thank you tal... That means a lot to me!!

Seriously... I still have a long way to go... but at least I started eventually...

I've not only lost a partner, I also lost myself... which is far more important... but the outcome will be much greater than my recent partnership and lifestyle... and with my new knowledge I might be able to prevent more painful events in my life... for myself and others!!

... it will be hard work, painful but rewarding, and slowly but surely I am ready to take on the battle...

... for that I am proud of myself... first signs of improvement are present... and I am glad and happy :-)...

Hi Tando,

I read your whole thread, it took me awhile but it was worth it. I have experienced that same feelings of self loss, sadness, pain, doubt, resent, specially on letting go of our mistakes and of our once loved ones. While reading your post I noticed you did really good with NC and after the break up you were a good ex. There was this part I read when you talked badly about your ex with friends, but I am sure you were not as mean as I was with my ex I really really fu** up and still feel horrible. I told him horrible things and I told him I was really sorry for everything. We met once after almost 6 months, It was big mistake though because I was still feeling like crap and I still wanted him back so much, but he didn't he, told me that after all the fu** up stuff I told him , he don't think he could love me again. And man... that was so tough to hear, If I was feeling depressed before, after that I was a wreck. I made such a huge mistake and I still feel so bad and I still don't know what to do to make this feeling of guilt go away, its just so hard to let go.