Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend wants to breakup after 5 years

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

She actually despises people that do the same things shes doing. And puts on a facade and makes believe, and lets people know in one way or another that she is humble, yet rad.

She's got deep, deep psychological issues.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

And she allowed me to believe that

I bet you knew the truth but emotions tend to cloud that. In my opinion that's where some of the anger comes from after the break up. You are not only mad at the situation, and mad at her for lying, but mad at yourself for knowing some of the things you let go during the relationship and then being upset with yourself for suppressing your own truth detectors. The great part now though is, you don't have to suppress them anymore. Let the truth come forth about her, she's not the angel you made her to be. You don't have to give her the false credit anymore.

When I say boy friend, I mean the person that she wanted or was infatuated with. I guess more compitetion, that she fuels.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

It does, was just thinking my ex has this friend from high school and they were inseperable. She was the one that traveled to India and elsewhere while she was escaping. They from what shes told ne had some wild times & lived pretty freely. She is now cut that person out of her life with the exception of a a casual drink. She always confided in my that her friend was always trying to steal away her boyfriend and how she used her good looks to do that. I guess I believed that too.

That's is success through elimination... which is not success. It's quite pathetic actually.

You are absolutely right. I am starting to put those pieces together, thanks,

I guess that's exactly what I did, help validate her wrongdoings with the illusion that I was a supportive boyfriend. Man, I feel so stupid and unadjusted.

I guess that stems from her parents writing her off emotionally for a really long time now. Now she's doing the same.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Man, I feel so stupid and unadjusted.

Are you kidding. You are seeing this now. She never will. Who's unadjusted here? It's not you. She's going to live her whole life that way, because she has read the books but never applied them. It's all a cover for her, so she can say, "I had a bad childhood but I've come so far, everybody must think I'm so great for overcoming so much, none of you could ever do it and if you could I don't want to talk to you." I just summed her up her entire life in one sentence and she's lived a lifetime and couldn't give you one sentence about it if you asked her.

You are exactly talking about her. Ive been writing notes on index cards as I do when Im developing creative concepts in my work, and just wrote "She knows YOU were a good person, but deep down, SHE'S not. Thats why you must be eliminated"

I guess for her, If I get any closer, I may really find out...

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

"She knows YOU were a good person, but deep down, SHE'S not.

Have you ever thought how true that might be. She knows how screwed up her life is and no matter what happened she couldn't screw yours up. At some point maybe she got scared that you were to good for her, and in an effort to stop you from hurting her like everybody before you did she did the only thing she could and acted the way she always does. She got rid of the one person who was better then her at a relationship and at love.

Yup exactly. Thanks. Was just thinking about this guy, a successful photographer that she dated right before me. They didn't hang long but booty calls & such. That didn't last very long, weeks maybe. She siad on e night she was at some industry thing, & he wouldn't giver the time of day.
I was always jealous of their time and I was forced to hang with him sometimes as we had mutual friends. She always respected him and probably still does. Wow.

So he doesn't care about her and she respects him. Deep, deep, psychological issues. I hope you are starting to see how much better you life is going to be, and the best part is she is the one that gave you the gift of clarity... even if it's not clear to you yet.

I am, was taking out the garbage & thought:

"Believe in what YOU want, NOT in what she made you believe you want, LIKE HER"

How ironic that thought came when you were taking out the garbage.

Nice one.

Thanks to everyone today. I feel like Ive had some awakening. The jealousy I was so concerned about today, has sad to say, turned to disgust in a way. I will try to wake up not feeling like I am reverting all of the time. Helps me validate that NC is critical. Cheers.

One thing that Im am going to think about when I wake up is:
She adores the TV show Survivor and that was the only hour a week that was hands off, no talk or calls, only during breaks. I have watched Jeopardy for most of my life, mainly cause I enjoy feeding my brain regardless and was a great distraction after work. She would always rib me and say "You looooooovvvvee that show" Condesending me. I guess I mirror these pleasures not as Survivor vs. Jeopardy, but Lying vs. Smarts. Many times in conversation about whatever, she would say " Im smart, you know, Im no dummy!" and get defensive.

I re-deciphered that final text. Forgive my rambling.

"Hi, not sure if you are working"

T: I hope he's not doing better than me, even with his pain. I want to make sure.

"Ill be at home tonight"

T: I know that I won't have anything lined up tonight, and I don't want to feel weak and lonely.

"and would like to say hi"

T: I want to draw you back in, at least for tonight.

"Can I call you"

T: I want him to think Im being timid and afraid, that will surely work...

Just wanted to give a bit of background and how this all came to be. I guess in my original post I didn't give that much detail. I know Im making progress, let me know if Im going overboard in my posts

I am an Art Director and moved to a new city & one of the first gigs I had was teaming up with this guy that became my friend. We had hit it off & I felt that I was truly making progress and validated moving. We would hang out all the time.

My ex is a wardrobe stylist, and worked with him on occasion. That's how I met her. He was going on vacation one time, and I took over this creative. An account that both she and he worked on previously. In doing so, I completed the hard part and met with her and others to plan. When he returned, he took it over, directed it and showed everyone that he was in charge. I was was super mad. We continued to hang out, but superficially. He eventually left and went back to school. In which time he, became more superior unavailable and degraded everyone including my close friends when we spent time. So I, kind of wrote him off for my sake and distanced myself from him. After he left, I hired my ex on a few occasions and hit it off. I liked her & wanted ask her out & I did. Our first date was great (even though she has referred to it later as "I thought is was a pre-pro meeting") We had fun, went out & stayed up late making out on the couch until morning, no sex though.

As things started getting serious, I found out that my friend's fiancé at the time (he married her, had a baby & moved away) always thought that he was sleeping with my ex. I shrugged it off cause that I was involved & excited and things were going great, I guess in my mind that was in the past if so. In fact he was the first person I told that I was dating her and falling for her. I remember him saying "Im so happy for you, you guys make an amazing couple, if I didnt love my girl so much, i would want someone like her"

Im sure you know where this is going..

This always kind of wore on me. One night a year or so later, my ex & I were out & discussing my discarded friendship with him & I flat out asked her if she slept with him. I was surprised & shocked she said yes, and even told me. Needless to say our night was crap, I slept on the couch on my own volition and my trip to visit her was negated for the last few days. I forgave her and I still remember soon after how mad she was that I chose to cut this so-called friend out & how he was a good friend to me. I feel now that I am attracting those people for some reason & felling insecure and stupid.

NC man.. stick to it... and block the text

Do you know how to on an Iphone? Im sure it can block.

I think there is an app called iblacklist

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

I feel now that I am attracting those people for some reason & felling insecure and stupid.

It sounds like you might have a hero or provider complex or both. She had a bad childhood (so she says) and you are solid, mature, established, and can provide her with all that she never had before, not only becoming her lover but also a hero or provider to her, which you perceive to mean she will then love you more for because you give her more then anybody else ever would. The problem with this is you are not getting back what you are giving.

Thanks. I woke after a restless sleep and a bad nightmare about her & what has been wearing on me re: answers & why now? etc..

A couple weeks ago she went to California for a self-help conference & told me she probably wouldn't much during it until later as she would need to decompress.

After it was over, she drove up to L.A. to meet with an agent and see some friends. Still never really told me any details. She did mentioned in a really casual way that she met tis guy there that lives in L.A. & was planning on meeting up with him one night. I obviously felt a little jealous, but gave trust as usual. That night she texted me late & said that she is having fun & may be out late & probably wouldn't call before she goes to bed (something she did every night when we weer away) I didn't hear from her until the next morning when all she asked for was for me to check her in to her flights. When she got back home and the week right before she dumped me, was distant, cold and short (the only thing she revealed about her trip was the great meeting she had with the agent, a total ego boost) I had this sneaking suspicion that she cheated & even confronted her & why she never told about her trip.

I think she did this, whether she had already made up her mind to dump me or this pushed her over the edge to do so. This I see now not only justified dumping me, got her off the hook as a cheater, and that's why she did this over the phone. So she would have to look me in the face. Now no one can ever find out now & she's scott free. Ahhhhhh! I may be way off mark or paranoid here, but that is starting to make sense. I feel sick to my stomach and so messed up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks. I woke after a restless sleep and a bad nightmare about her & what has been wearing on me re: answers & why now?, etc..

A couple weeks ago she went to California for a self-help conference & told me she probably wouldnt much during it til later as she would need to decompress.

After it was over, she drove up to L.A. to meet with an agent and see some friends. Still never really told me any details. She did mentioned in a really casual way that she met tis guy there that lives in L.A. & was planning on meeting up with him one night. I obviously felt a little jealous, but gave trust as usual. That night she texted me late & said that she is having fun & may be out late & probably wouldnt call before she goes to bed (something she did every night when we weer away) I didnt hear from her until the next morning when all she asked for was for me to check her in to her flights. When she got back home and the week right before she dumped me, was distant, cold and short (the only thing she revealed about her trip was the great meeting she had with the agent, a total ego boost) i had this sneaking suspicion that she cheated & even confronted her & why she never told about her trip.

I think she did this, whether she had already made up her mind to dump me or this pushed her over the edge to do so. This i see now not only justified dumping me, got her off the hook as a cheater, and thats why she did this over the phone. so she would have to look me in the face. Now no one can ever find out now & she's scott free. Ahhhhhh! I may be way off mark or paranoid here, but that is starting to make sense. i feel sick to my stomach and so messed up.

She won't get off scott free. Karma will get her sooner or later. You just can't treat people that way and it not smack you in face. It'll happen you just probably won't be around to see it. Nor should you

I know, but now Im really hurting and feel right back to the beginning. I feel so sick right now. I really feel like calling her on it.

Before that night in L.A. she texted me that she would be meeting an actress girlfriend in the morning :) But nothing as to her evening. She ing planned this... ALL OF IT!!

She was planning to move to L.A. and now she has figured out a way to do it! And have a little taste of what it can be like there... I feel so twisted up now with emotions.

Now I know why she was too busy to check in to her flights. She was having one last morning shag!!

my X of 8 years did the same thing... when we broke up she bounced to another guy and was sleeping with him in less than 2 months. I had nightmares for 2 or 3 days after I found out. Dreams about faceless girls that I was dating and she went to a bathroom and 45 mintues later I went in the bathroom and she was having sex. Then I woke up. Had 2 or 3 bad dreams in a row.

I was the one who broke up with her out of unhappiness, but then after finding out she was with this dude it messed with my head, etc.. Also caught her cheating but we were on the rocks. After a big 5+ year relationship I felt like she needed to re-establish her self esteem and pleasing a new guy was her way of doing it. He gave her everything I can't give her (money, courside tickets to the NBA finals, trips to the bahamas next month) etc. I know why she is with him, but she doesn't. She thinks she is happy. But like others said, Karma will come around full circle.

The thing is.. I want to forget her before the karma comes.. Its hard brother, you have so much stuff that's got no real closure and its left you feeling betrayed and untrusting. You just need to heal, NC, try and forget her. After my 8 year relationship, I can say I still think about that chick everyday, even after she cheated on me and treated me like crap. I am not even thinking about her in a good way, just thinking about her.. just hurt. You just need to find other things to do! Other friends to see, gym, music, whatever... its tough, I wish you the best of luck!

Oh yah I forgot, my X-GF has NPD in my eyes, I already posted on your thread and mentioned it. Status, success, money, dillusions of who she is... (shes 30 and lives at home with her mommy, only had a 40 hr job 1 year in her 30 year life, yet she thinks she is really successful and driven). Never appologizes during any of our fights in 8 years. Blames me for being with this 46 year old ugly guy. Denies any wrong doing, thinks he is 10x better than me, wants to live in NY, no LA, no chicago, no here.

Look up NPD on Google. You will see that with a narcisist you can never please them and no matter what you did it wouldn't work.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) : How to Recognize a Narcissist

Thanks. This is my worst fears realized and right now Im shaking like a leaf writing that..

I went through the same thing, knowing my ex was doing the dirty with some other dude... I know it is hard man. Nothing else I can say other than it sucks, but you will survive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks. This is my worst fears realized and right now Im shaking like a leaf writing that..

It's OK to feel like that man. I can understand 100% where you are combing from.

I saw an away message of my exes friend saying "bri bri's getting laid tonight! You go girl" so I know the pain you are going through

Quote:

Originally Posted by romefalls19

i saw an away message of my exes friend saying "bri bri's getting laid tonight! You go girl" so i know the pain you are going through

Wow ouch...

I am blown away of how evil, and calculating she is. Knew exactly how to do it. She wants to be on top, get to L.A. and was frustrated that wasn't happening. She finally figured out a way to do it, get rid of me, and plan an escape rout in the process. How perfect...

But really do you want to be with someone like that. It sounds like to me it's always about her always been about her.. She doesn't care who or how she hurts someone. She's just looking to get ahead.

I think your so much better off without a user like that.

Thanks, Ive been reading up that. Its very sick & twisted.

Thanks, L&B, this I already know. Those feelings are gone now. Im just left feeling the pain of betrayal, and the manner of which she did all of this, for herself. Not a great feeling at all. I feel like I make one stride, for a couple hours. But this realization about this trip & such, just seemed to set me back.

I guess that's why she told me that she hopes someday, she can truly tell my why she's doing this... again so I will never find out that she cheated, a perfect plan. Nice one.