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Look, I understand your "take on the world" attitude. Been there, done that. I cannot speak for everyone on here, but my advice STRICTLY comes from experience. I DO NOT give advice on things that I don't think I would be of any help on. That being said, good luck! I am pretty sure everyone on here just wishes for you to be happy.
Since you got back on the ride, enjoy it. This is a long distance thing isn't it?
(to lazy to go back thru 120 posts)
Kc had to spread it, but you are right. You can't sweep problems under a rug when you get back together, the relationship is doomed. Not to mention, not many people I have seen end up staying together after reconciling.
Talaniman: It's a semi long distance. We go to the same school but over the summer she lives back home which is roughly 3-4 hours away.
KC I understand what you are saying and I thank you for your input.
Rome: I know people who broke up in college, got back together, and ended up being marrying each other and are still together today, happy. You cannot generalize too much just because everyone is different. But in general you are right.
Besides working on our wrongs I do not know how to go about this right now but I am sure I will somehow figure it out.
This will work as long as much stupid a** doesn't push her away.
Which is exactly why I said "I do not know many couples" which just states my outlook on the situation based on personal experience which is not a generalization.Quote:
Originally Posted by A4Effort
But good luck in your attempts
Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky
Takes two to work together, so good luck!
Yeah good luck with the relationship KC is right your happyness is what matters here. Until now you seem to have agreed with everything advice wise and I think the only reason you're not agreeing now is because you're back with her and everything looks promising now. Judging from the way she treated you we think you can do much better for yourself but in the end it is your decision to make.
Sorry but I think everyone is now a bit reluctant to give you advice on a relationship we just don't believe will work. Again its your decision and we all make our own mistakes in life we just have to experience them for ourselves.
Good luck
The number one suggestion on making this work would be to have realistic expectations.
Sit down and write what you expect from the relationship and why.Have her do the same and compare notes.Go over it point by point.Where you disagree,find a compromise that both of you can live with.
Be clear on what you consider a *deal breaker*.This way there will be no misunderstanding.
While it is healthy to discuss your wants and needs,you can't allow the *work* of the relationship to overshadow the fact that you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness.
When you place the burden of your happiness on another or the love of another,you are setting yourself up for a fall.
Work on your own personal growth.
We all would like to see a good outcome for you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by artlady
Well worth repeating.
I do need to work on my happiness. I thought I would be happy again if we came back together but I am not. I feel like she made the wrong decision to come back. We have been apart for this short break and when I talk to her over the phone she just seems different. I don't know if its me or her but it just doesn't feel right.
I should have taken the time off to become happy as an individual. I can't say anything for sure because I will have to see how it feels when we get back together. I just hope that she is willing to work on things and I also hope that her feelings towards me are true. If not than just like everyone said, this will be a short ride.
Its weird. We are together but I still am feeling the ups and the downs. I wonder why that is.
Perhaps it is because you are both carrying the same old baggage that landed you here in the first place. It's like you are in a room with a an elephant, but no one really speaks up, it just stays awkward...Quote:
Originally Posted by A4Effort
LOL... had to spread the rep KC but the Elephant analogy is priceless :)Quote:
Originally Posted by kctiger
Ture. Hahah... I am just waiting now until she comes back from home so that we can talk about the problems we had.
I feel for you :/ this kind of thing happened to me, it was only a year long but you get the idea. Friendship for us didn't work, it just hurt way too much. She found another guy and I was left high and dry, eventually I found my current girlfriend and I couldn't be happier. Its hard, I know, but contact makes it so much harder to move on. Try to limit your conversations, maybe "best friends" isn't the best idea. Try to do as much NC as you can and focus on other things. For me, once I found the RIGHT girl, who I'm still with, things got much easier. BUT don't wait for that just focus on other things like your friends and other relationships you have with people.
So my partner has this "guy" friend who she is good friends with. She occasionally likes to go out with him and hang out. Now, the guy likes her and has told me this to my face. My partner on the other hand only likes him as a friend. The other night several friends of ours were hanging out and just talking. We were all sitting on the floor in a small circle just chatting. My girlfriend was leaning against him and he started giving her a backrub. My girlfriend didn't do or say anything but just let it happen. This made me very uncomfortable but I decided to remain calm because I did not know at the time if it was appropriate for me to get worked up. Afterwards, when we were heading back home, I decided to bring that situation up. I explained to my girlfriend how I felt uncomfortable and that he was crossing the boundaries. She, on the other hand said it didn't mean anything to her because they were just friends. She apologized and said she would not let that happen again.
Now, she keeps hanging out with him and I do not want to tell her that she be with him because I am not the one to tell someone what to do. I want her to be able to go out with whomever she wants. I used to be able to trust her very much but since we just recently got back together after a break up (See "No Contact" rule is not working) it is not as easy. But, I am more worried about him than her. I feel like since he likes her, he will do anything to be with her. If I see something like this happen again, I will approach him and let him know that he is crossing the boundries
Am I right to act this way or am I being totally unreasonable?
She has to be the one to explain to this other person that she finds his attention inappropriate. That is to say, if she is just not playing games with you, and truly loves you, she should.
If you say anything to this other person, there will be trouble between you and she and possibly a fight or some kind of altercation will ensue between he and you.
You are going to have to trust her on this. Mention to her that you want her to tell him to stop.
Tick
If this Person has openly admitted that he has feelings for her beyond friendship then she shouldn't see him as often and shouldn't allow him to do anything that has a different meaning to her than it does to him. i.e.. The back rub or if he ever gives her gifts etc.
Having two men paying you attention is a definite ego trip for a woman and she probably enjoys the exposure. However, it will cause trouble if she is in a supposedly committed relstionaship to one of them.
However, OP has not stated how long the relationship has been continuing. This does make a difference.
Probably she is not as committed as OP thinks.
Tick
Just with everything that's been going on I just lost all sense of care. First thing she texts me is "I love you" after a night of fighting. Wow... that solves everything. I decided today that I would just let it all out and treat her without respect. She said she went to eat some lunch this morning with some friends. I asked her if her second boyfriend was there to give her a back rub. Then I told her that I want to talk this out and figure out if we are either going to resolve this and stay together or if I am going to leave her. I don't know how but she manages to piss me off so much.
Everything that happened today between us was handled wrong, mostly by me. But, I am so sick of arguing. I can be on top of the world when everything is going well but when we argue I just don't care about being with her. We've been back together for a week now and we already fought 2-3 times and it basically became a blaming game.
I hate this so much because my parents divorced because of fighting back and forth. I swore to myself that I would never end up like them and I feel like I am doing exactly the same thing they were doing.
I remember reading your story when I was going through my situation. I was trying the NC to make her want me back and get things back to normal.
I tell you what the NC did things that I very much doubted. I'm able to see the real her and that I was not happy with her. And look I found a girl who is 100 times better then my ex.
What I'm trying to get to, you seem like a good guy and deserve better then this girl. Don't blame yourself for everything wrong in your relationship. Keep your head :)
Hi, A4. Is this girl younger then you and has she been in many relationships ? You say you have only been together a week.
Arguing, without resolving anything, going back and forth and rehashing stuff is not a good way to start a relationship. Could be she is not just mature enough to handle a good relationship with a great guy.
Tick
That's basically all of it in a nutshell.Quote:
Originally Posted by tickle
I think your partner is either totally stupid or she does not care for you or respect you as much as you do her.
I'll bet if you had a " female friend" who was rubbing your back and carrying on, she would be pissed especially if said friend told her she had the hots for her man. She'd be telling you to "make a choice"
If she is your woman, she should not let another man touch her that way and certainly not in front of you knowing how you feel.
I'd tell her she needs to decide if this guy is more important to her than you are.
I think you need to leave her alone. A relationship should be more respectful and it should not have this kind of drama.
This is absolutely true. I would never let my guy friends touch me like that, ESPECIALLY after telling me they had feelings. Be careful, if she's letting this behavior go on, you can only get hurt. Also, I applaud your restraint from ripping his hands off!:)Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
Haven't you had enough of this BS drama from her?? When you do, you'll leave and stay gone. No self respecting man puts up with this bad behavior, and it doesn't matter her reasons for it.
Sorry guy, either your communication skills are lacking, or you make a lousy couple. Whatever the reason, your not working together to solve your problems in a way that benefits you both, and that's not good.
If you can't talk, its over again.
That's the thing, we can talk about it. But when one problem is solved, another arises. Also, she tends to take past problems and bring them up during our current argument.
Personally I don't think you two have a relationship, you just have a sparring partner.
So, what do you want out of this relationship? Would you like a girl that is committed to you and only you, doesn't send mixed signals to other guys, knows the boundaries to set with other men and takes your concerns seriously, or, a girl that does what she wants no matter how you feel, lets other guys touch her in front of you etc. etc.
If all you do is fight and worry, that's not a relationship.
I think it's time to throw this one back in the sea and start fishing for a better one.
Yuk, yuk! Good one, Alty.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
If problems keep arising how do you expect to survive? It's hard to do this especially when your partner sees no problem at all.
I know you might have issues once in a while but being in a problematic relationship never works.
I'd rather be single, and free, than in your shoes. Sorry, doesn't sound like love, or fun!
Ok, I'm not taking either side on this one. Simply break up, it's not working out between you two. You have openly stated that you are not 110% committed to this relationship in your other thread are ready to leave at the drop of a hat. That's not a good outlook going into a relationship. Then you are making her prove herself to you, which if you were to tell me that I'd punch you in the face. I don't owe nothing to you, she doesn't owe it to you to prove anything. She is a person, you either take what she says and accept it or move on.
Then you say you can talk about it, which I find VERY hard to believe because of your little text to her about her second boyfriend. Tit for tat isn't going to work, she's probably had enough of your crap just like you have had enough of hers. Both of you seem far to immature to be in a functioning relationship. You need someone who is constantly going to reassure you that you are all she wants and will do anything for you, she needs someone who is going to be fine with other guys giving back rubs and let her do her own thing. Just let it go, it's not working.
Just for the record.. there is no way on this earth I would let another man touch the woman I love- let along in a way that makes my girlfriend feel GOOD while I sit back and watch!? ESPECIALLY from a guy I hardly know, who LIKES my girlfriend. Dude listen to this.. nobodyyy should touch your girlfriend except you. Unless it's a dam Dr. or a certified (in office) massage prof. etc. Different types of 'sexual' activities are the exception to this, but I surely do not see this being the case.
I see a guy who is so unsure of his relationship and has so many insecurities that you are letting this slide and hoping to avoid a fight & or lose her because of it. She wants attention from multiple guys? That's fine- don't be one of those guys she is getting it from. ARGH this pisses me of.. ditch her man for a woman who wants only physical attention from you. My ex would NEVER want another guy touching her.. she has serious issues.
I used to have a girlfriend when I was younger that was 'good' at giving massages. She thought it was necessary to give everyone a massage. And then she got certified in it at a young age and even MORE thought it was OK to massage people EVERYWHERE she went. No way in hell was I dealing with that. It makes you look like a FOOL to everyone around you.
Thump
Quote:
Originally Posted by CrazyThumper
Just as an FYI--my best friend is a guy. I'm married. My guy friend would LOVE to get into my pants, but he respects the relationship that my husband and I have. So--my husband knows that he has the hots for me, and that I see him as a friend.
And if my husband EVER told me that I couldn't be around my guy friend, whether he was right or wrong, that would cause one doozy of an argument that would have the potential to break up our marriage.
Either there is trust or there isn't. If there isn't, then what are you doing in that relationship?
In you, I see a guy that it possessive to the point of obsession, and that's even less healthy than enjoying the attention of more than one person.
Synnen- not sure if you quoted me as being possessive or the OP but I agree. I do not have any issues with my significant other having friends of the same sex. Would I allow those friends to be physically touching my girlfriend in the way of a massage? No absolutely not. And as your husband respects your relationship with your guy friend, I am sure your guy friend would not push the boundaries of your friendship. Out of respect for you and your husband. There are red flags all over man- and red is BAD.. get out..Quote:
Originally Posted by Synnen
Thump
I've gotten massages from my guy friend, yes.
I've also gotten piggyback rides and been tackled into the snow by him. He gooses me all the time, and it's all in good fun.
I'm just saying that if the guy friend has been around longer than the boyfriend, then the BOYFRIEND has to adjust to the rules that were already set up before he came on the scene--not the girlfriend. And if he can't handle that, better to walk now.
That's the difference as he is rubbing it in his face, and she lets him. That's not insecurity.Quote:
Now, the guy likes her and has told me this to my face. My partner on the other hand only likes him as a friend.
Personally if a guy did that to me, came up to me and said some stuff like that, I'd be tempted to punch him in the jaw. The girl has to establish boundaries, and right now it doesn't appear she is caring to. So maybe you need to move on.
And here's one of Alty's infamous bottom lines.
You two don't mesh, all you do is fight, neither one of you are 100% committed to making this relationship work, so why continue?
In the long run, you can't accept her for who she is and she won't change for you, so it's a dead end.
This is a no brainer, really!
If this guy has old the boy friend he has the hots for his girl, and the girl knows that, IMO the guy has disrespected both of them by disrespecting the relationship.
If a friend of mine told my husband something like that I would be "how dare you put me in such a messy position and disrespect my marriage and my husband"
IMO Friends don't do funky stuff like that and I would not allow someone to diss my man like that.
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