Because she has obviously given up on the relationship. By him sticking around it's just making it all that much more painful for him.Quote:
Originally Posted by lisalost
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Because she has obviously given up on the relationship. By him sticking around it's just making it all that much more painful for him.Quote:
Originally Posted by lisalost
I'm sorry, but we don't live in a fantasy land where all of our wishes come true. Although he may love this girl with every fiber of his body. It's still irrelevant. You need to understand that his wants are different from hers at this moment. Nothing he says or does will change that. Of course he wants her. But, does that justify for him to let his head remain in the clouds? no. The reality of the situation is just that. Accept it.
As I said before none of us know this girl so we really do not know her intentions BUT to need a break for school or work is bull because number one if you really love someone then taking a break would only make it harder for her in school and workQuote:
Originally Posted by lisalost
Number 2 why does she need a break for school and work yet they can still hang out and do all the things they did when they dated? If you need time for school and work then stay the hell away she proved herself to be a liar
And now I also am a female and I also was in his girlfriends position and let me juss say GET THE HELL AWAY I took my break and I really loved my boyfriend... but he wanted different things like me to have no friends he was extremely jeoulous... but my break was meeting a new guy because I thought that's what I wanted but in the end I found out I didn't and to make a long story short he moved out of state but we did get back together... yep we sure did 4 years later and actually I juss had his little girl a month ago.. but we are not together once again... we grew apart and we thought things would work... I did a lot of growing up and he didn't so people have there own sneeky reasons of wanting a break whether they are brave enough to admit it or not...
ListLost...
You have just set him back to square one.
The point here is that he can't just sit around and wait for her.
If she comes back to him... great!
If not.. oh well.
In the meantime, he needs to live his life. Be active, make new friends, and if along the way there happens to be some other girl that catches his interest-not to turn her away for the sake of his ex.
And that's what a "break" makes her, an EX.
Of course "breaks" are always for selfish reasons. It most likely means that she thinks that there is something lacking in the relationship. So what he thinks was perfect, was not to her. He needs to realize that. And in order to realize anything, he needs to take a step back and really think about it in an different point of view then he is now. He can't do that if he's put shutters around his eyes like a racing horse making her the goal line.
Look right, I was simply trying to say, if she is what he wants like anything else in the world be it a job or a dream then should he not go for it. Yes I agree he should not set himself up for heartbreak but I don't think he should totally give it up as a lost cause. Iwas in his girlfriends shoes a few weeks ago and my relationship never ended after I said I wanted a break. And yes he should get new friends start doing new things, but thisis no a sitcom she didn't say she wanted to completley break up, or if she did he never wrote that. Anyway I only wrote and told him my opion as he everyone else did with theirs. Just thought it may be useful as I was in a similar situation.
This is another person- not a job or some fancy car he can just 'go for'.Quote:
Originally Posted by lisalost
The point of a break or breakup or whatever the hell you want to call it is to CONTINUE LIVING YOUR LIFE - for yourself! If she comes back fine, if not oh well.
How do you purpose he not set himself up for heartbreak and not chalking it up as a lost cause?
You are really sending all sorts of mixed messages.
This is exactly what I have been thinking about for the entire duration of this whole "break" thing.Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkwithaK
I told her out right that I understand she needs more time for school and for work and to just generally be around people other than me, and that I have been around too much and need to even focus on myself more as well. I tried to make that part work with her, and she told me again that she just needed some time and space right now for herself, and that she knows in her heart that she will probably end up marrying me even, but she still kept with the break. All of this was about two weeks after the initial break was established.
Now though, I can't really tell what is going on in her head, I haven't seen her or verbally spoken with her in something like 12 or 13 days. We still talk on MSN nearly everyday, and she tells me about what she's doing with her friends (who sadly all happen to be guys, but she even asked me if I would be okay with that because she was worried, and I just told her that I trust her and that she can hang out with whoever she wants, it's not my place to say who she can spend her time with, I just would love it if she could fit me in)
All of these mixed signals are making it difficult.
You're joking me right?
Why are you talking to her on MSN?
Come on man.
NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT. That includes EVERYTHING.
She wouldn't be giving you mixed signals if she wasn't talking to you, would she?
I blame you, not her.
It's great how everything about this seems to be my fault. All I have ever done is treat her with respect, and kindness, and love. I feel like I've done nothing wrong here, she is the one who is confused. You don't tell someone that you love them and want to marry them and talk about the future with them and then just tell them you need some time off and not mean it. That is completely ridiculous. If anything, some part of her still loves me, which means she could realize that and eventually come back to me. I'm not saying I need to figure out how to get her back at this point, and I understand that I should let her come to me, but if I just ignore her when she openly tries to talk to me on something like MSN, I don't understand what the problem is.Quote:
Originally Posted by 411Help
The problem is very clear.
You just choose to ignore it.
The more you talk to her, the more mixed signals you will receive. I'm sorry to tell you this, but she doesn't care for you like you care for her.
You need to be able to stand on your own two feet and live a life without her.
hey Gearhe4d,
If your going to do no contact- you have to be real about it- MSN her means your okay will all this and your around to pick her up when she is finished playing around.
Are u willing to be second best? I hope your answer is NO!
Just think if you did not MSN her -you could have spent that time doing something for yourself that you would value!
Go NO Contact and leave her alone, if you don't leave her alone- you will get hurt more and more and more and eventually you will go INSANE! She will give you lots of mix signals- none of it will help and will give you false hope on sec and will kill your heart the other sec.
I know this is v hard for you- it is true- its horrible and v painful- but as difficult as it is- you must think of YOU. Do whatever you have to do to get YOU back and get YOU to be happier- if if this mean you smile for 1 hr in a 24 hr day.
You should read my post! I have been all over HELL and back-letting go of someone you love v much is not a light issue indeed.
People say time- things will get better- I never believed it- but today I will say yes that is true- but it only gets better when the whole situation sinks in and you realise YOU are v important to YOU.
Remember who you are, and how wonderful you are, remember she left this wonderful person!
Remember all the good things you did- now think she left me after I did all these nice things- is that fair?
Well its like this Gear,
I know it seems messed up that someone can say something to you like I see myself marrying you even when they want a break. It makes no sense right? Well you're not alone on this, my ex told me that from day one of our break.
She even continued to tell me this as she proceeded to sleep with two other guys.
When I was back in your state of mind I held onto these words, I thought of them as words of hope that we would one day be back together. But now, being able to see through clear eyes I know they meant nothing. Does it seem reasonable to you that someone can tell you they love you and see themselves marrying you but can turn around and take a break from you. That's not how love goes my friend, she is keeping you holding on for her while she is out finagling with who ever the hell. You have to take this girl off this pedestal you have built for her, she is not perfect and is manipulating you. I WAS YOU, I know its hard to listen to but you have to believe me.
I know she keeps talking to you but you have to put a stop to it. If you feel bad about just ignoring her than just tell her that if she wants a break than she has to take it. She can't leave, break your heart and expect to be able to have you to come talk to.
You even said it yourself, its funny how she needs a break from you for school and stuff, but can make plenty of other time for these other guy "friends" of hers.
Man up and take control of this situation! This is your life and you can't let a girl do this to you. If she wants to give it another try than its up to you if you want to give it another go, until then you disappear, you have better things to do than wait around for her!!
I can't imagine the guilt that I wuld feel if I did this same thing to her, and if I started just screwing another girl or even hanging aroudn other girls. It dosen't even make sense.
I know what you are going to say to that, and that she dosen't care, but it's just so strange that she could set aside any feelings for me and easily go about this.
Gear, I was with my ex for 4 years! For 3.5 of those years we planned on getting married and sharing a life together. I never could imagined something like this could ever happen to me. I was flabbergasted when I found these things out about her. How could someone who told me she loved me more than life turn around and give herself so easily to someone else.
And that's the thing, YOU, ME and EVERYONE else in this thread weren't the ones that wanted out of the relationship. You are very much in love with this person and could never imagine doing something like that to them. But you have to realize, for them something has changed. They don't feel the same way we do anymore. So when they do go off and hook up and move on from us they are not doing it as the person that loved you the way they used to. They are different, those feelings aren't there for them anymore.
And really we can't blame them for that, it happens... But what you can blame them for and put a stop to is them stringing you along and playing with your heart.
Its crazy how your world can come crashing down around you, and how everything that you thought could never happen can.
Of course its strange.
Don't try to understand the situation. Because, you never will. Learn from us. Just move on.
Hm. I suppose so.Quote:
Originally Posted by 411Help
I just feel like I won't ever really be able to trust anyone again, I never felt so sure of anything in this world about how we felt about each other, and I was wrong. Weird.
You know the funny part? You will love and trust again. Someone will come along when you least expect it, when you are a well developed, independent man.
I agree with all others that say NO CONTACT, only because you seem to be in a place that can't seem to let go.
On the other hand... If you are OK with just being her friend, then by all means be her friend. These guys are trying to help you get over her, but obviously you refuse to take that in as an option for you. I think they're trying to let you know that as long as you stay in contact with her, it's just the same as telling her that you are OK with this "break" thing. If you are not OK with the break thing, then you should let her know by cutting contact with her. I think this is what the guys are saying. By all means, I'm sure most of the guys here have Ex-girlfriends as friends. If so, it was probably because they were OK with being friends, and no longer hold hope of getting back with them as girl-boy friends.
If you are OK with just being friends with her, be friends, but that means you have to let go of the hope of her coming back to you as a girlfriend.
If you are NOT OK with her "break" decision, you need to let het know that you are not a doormat and stop all contact.
Like I said, breaks are for selfish reasons, weather good or bad.
You stated that you wouldn't feel right hanging out with girls and meeting girl-friend prospects. Why not? You aren't looking into jumping into a new relationship anyway. What's wrong with hanging out with girls? It's not like you have wrongful intentions with them. She doesn't seem to think it would be a problem to do the same.
Let's say she loves you, let's say that's your future wifey. Both of you are still young, there are may things of this world yet to experience. Some have to be done alone. She may already know this and maybe that is the reason for a break. So she can experience the world alone with out her future hubby. You need to do the same.
Maybe she wants see if there is someone better than you out there, if not she'll return. Shouldn't you find out the same? See if there is someone out there that will appreciate you, if not then you can take her back.
Remember, she called for the break. You can't make her come back to you, she decides that. If, IF she does decide she wants you back, you have the power to take her back, if by that time you still want her.
But in the meantime, live, grow to be the man that she would regret ever letting go of.
Woah woah, hold on a second. Is it true that if I'm her friend now that we can never really be together again? I'm not really understanding that part.Quote:
Originally Posted by compsavvyimnot
Usually, once your in the friend zone, your stuck there.
Things are way too fresh for you to see clearly. Over the coming weeks things will make more sense. Your conclusions will change and that's where the learning begins. And yes, you will trust again, once time has done it's healing.
Focus on yourself FIRST. Become a better version of you--a healed version--that loves himself and enjoys life once more. How? Do the things you like to do for yourself --whether it's a sport, some hobby, or spending quality time with family and friends. Everyday you will become more sure of yourself--you'll regain your confidence little by little. As for girls, stay away from them --romantically-- for awhile, you don't need to jump straight into another relationship or hookup with any chick. It won't do you any good. When you have picked yourself up and dusted yourself off--they will come to you. You will love and be loved again--and this time you will be wiser and more prepared.
It's not that you can't be together again but it's highly unlikely if you stay there at her side. She will see you as a friend and nothing more. She will get used to seeing you as a friend and won't look at you as anything more than that--even less if she has another guy. That's why it's called a Friend-zone. Sticking around will just slow you down my friend. The pain will not let you enjoy life and when you realise this you will be kicking yourself for wasting so much time,Quote:
Originally Posted by Gearhe4d
From my experiences and what I've read here. Those rare cases in which two exes do get back together usually occur when there is a significant amount of time apart and no contact is maintained. Enough time so both people can mature, grow up, find themselves, experience different things, etc. This might be a year or maybe several who knows. One day one calls the other and if there is still interest than things could workout. The key here is that both people have developed and improved themselves enough so that those problems that lead to the first break don't re-surface. Keep in mind that these cases are few and far between and I'm sure most of them weren't really expecting to get back together it just happens. You give each other space, plenty of time apart, no communication, so you can heal and move on. Maybe she wants you back one day or maybe she never does--but it won't matter cause you would've moved on without her regardless.
[QUOTE=compsavvyimnot;1474746]It took me a lot of convincing to make him realized that he is my friend. FRIEND, once some one becomes a close friend, someone a good girl like me would not want to lose. A good girl would not RISK losing you as a friend by trying to see if it could be more. I can't explain to you the pain I've seen in his face. The desperation of wanting me to know that I deserve more, that he is the one that can give me that, that we were perfect for each other. You might not want to be in this list.
Read my previous post quoted above.
Now "no contact" is starting to make more sense to me. I wasn't aware of this whole "friend-zone" means you'll never get her back thing.
Yikes.
Friend-Zone doesn't mean you you'll never get her back, it just makes it that much harder to make the transition if wanted.
Most relationships are complicated. So much more complicated than friendships. Why risk losing a great friend by trying to make it into a relationship? This is the question you want her to avoid asking herself.
Doesn't mean you will never be her friend again. Let yourself move on first. In the future, if you are still interested in her friendship, I'm sure you can get in touch with her. Not before you are completely over her of course.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gearhe4d
It has taken me four months to get serious about No Contact. Four months of false hope filled agony. Amazing hope-filled highs, quickly followed by rock bottom lows.
You only set yourself up for extreme heartache by keeping in contact... unimaginable pain... especially when you find out that they have been giving themselves to another guy so quickly... literally replacing you with someone else.
I am only just getting serious about NC now... because I am sick to death of the constant pain. They don't mean to give false hope... its just your brain misinterpretes what she will say because it will be what you want to hear.
All these people giving you advice on here... they are so unbelievably correct in what they are saying... you just can't see it right now because it is not what you want to hear. In time you will see they are right. I just hope it doesn't take you four months to figure it out. That is four months of potential healing time I have spent in a false hope filled, heartbroken state.
There is lots of good advice here, act on it even though you may not believe it yet. These folks are trying to save you some of the pain that they have been through. No contact works, it also builds yourself respect, the other option it to continue to prolong the hurt and have yourself esteem battered.
I still see your still not getting it. Today is Sunday, go to church, pray for your girlfriend to have a good life and that you can move on and both of you can find enjoyment apart.
So, a friend of mine talked with her the other day apparently (no I had nothing to do with it) but they said that she was saying she felt "guilty" about us. Like, maybe I made her feel guilty by being too nice, or being around too much or something I'm assuming, but I really never wanted to make her feel that way, and now I'm wondering if I should just keep up with not talking to her, or maybe try to explain to her that I wasn't at all wanting her to feel guilty, and I really just want us to have fun together and be happy. I want her to be able to hang out with her friends and such though without worrying about how I feel, or if she's tired or something I don't want her to feel like she has to be around me. Now that I have all of that in mind and better understand what caused all of this to begin with, yeah, I'm just wondering how to go about this.
Stop worrying about her, worry about you.
That's the point of no contact.
I know you care about her, but it's time to care about you.
She feels guilty because she knows she hurt you unintentionally. This is entirely normal among exes. It shows that she cares about your feelings but that doesn't mean she wants to be with you. In any breakup or "break" the one who gets dumped feels the hurt and the one that dumps feels the guilt--if she cares about you of course.
Keep with NC though. You did not make her feel this-- she felt it herself. Same as she did not make you feel this pain-- you did.
You do NOTHING for HER.
Stop thinking about HER
Avoid everything and anything that reminds your of HER
Start thinking ABOUT YOU-
Its has to be about YOU and YOU and YOU now
If you don't think about YOU soon- THERE WILL BE NO YOU LEFT!
Get yourself in gear and start sorting YOUR life out.
Make a list and start attacking that list one by one.
Today do one thing good for YOU don't go to bed until you have done that one good thing for YOU.
Common Gear! What's it going to take to get you to listen!
I don't think I have ever seen a thread where somebody has resisted the same solid advise of so many people.
Hey! So I don't know how your doing but what I want you to know is this. Do what feels right to you in both your head and your heart and take TIME lots of it to feel out when your on the right path you just know it. All these suggestions everyone has made are REALLY hard but they do a good job at helping you heal and get beyond the break up. But I also want to say that it seems like you're an amazing person and any girl would be lucky to have you. Stay strong no matter what and grow into yourself. Just stay strong and if you want to talk you can message me id love to listen.
There you go, feeling you can fix someone or something. You're the one needs fixing first. That's what you focus on.
Just so you know, don't fall into dwelling on 3rd party news about the ex. That's trouble. More trouble than stalking her or Facebook, or myspace.
Let it pass.
Stop trying to fix the past when you should be working trying to build your future.
The future being, getting your ego and self-esteem back. Improving yourself through character building and personal enrichment activities (sports, hobbies, classes, exercise). Go back and catch up on all the things you let fall by the wayside because you were so wrapped up with this girl. Save up the money you would normally spend on her and buy something you really want. This would be a good time to take a vacation or road trip with some buddies to a place you really want to go. Anything that will get you to stop thinking about her.
The future possibilities are endless for you, but you will not realize this until you stop dwelling and stop trying to fix what cannot be fixed.
It would also help to get rid of, or store away, all the things you may have that remind you of her (gifts, cards, notes, clothing, pictures). This will help you keep your mind off her.
Gear, I realize how hard this is.
And, I know we aren't giving you the answers you wanted to hear when you first came here.
You were hoping we would tell you, "Don't give up, she'll come back one day" Am I right? Sorry, buddy, but that's not the case. Love doesn't work like that. You can blame hollywood.
Build a healthy life without her.
If you can't love yourself, what makes you think you can love someone else?
You're letting this situation rent space in your head. The more you think about it, the harder your life is going to become. Do not let her control your emotions. There is nothing worse than letting someone know that they have this much control over you. You need to start taking control of yourself. Get out of the past, stay out of the future, and just take things one day at a time.
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