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You are actually probably a whole lot finer than you think... so don't predict what Sunday will be, don't limit your potential for growth like that-- it may set you back and it may not! Do like they're saying here, plan in advance to say hi or nod even and then redirect your interest elsewhere, which is a social skill that is good to have or sharpen. Easy peasey! :pQuote:
Originally Posted by kadd0007
honestly guys I don't know what I would do without all of you lol!!
Thank you so much, my day is already looking up =) I will take all of your advice to heart and I will have a post for all of you Monday morning to inform you of what happened.
Hope all goes well, wish me luck guys, thanks again!
If you do go back to someone after a break... things HAVE to be different - they have to be.
YOU CAN'T go back to what you had - you need to change the balance, communication has to be a lot better, maybe some rules, space, be busy, TAKE IT SLOW!!
Did I say take it slow?? TAKE IT SLOW!!
Communication is king!!
Genrally though you should never get back in a relationship IF there was:
Cheating
Abuse - verbal or physical
Lying
Excessive alcohol or drugs
Large amounts of manipulatyion or control
I am absolutely not planning on going back!! Not when it involves cheating
NEVER!
You should run and be happy if you had any of those things happen - RUN!! Be happy it's over and that there are GREAT women out there!
You'll be fine. You're a MAN. Act like a the man you are and keep moving forward.
I know its hard! Very hard but keep posting here. It does get better.
And really, knowing whether she misses you doesn't help a thing.
I know this. I find out things about what my ex says all the time, but it doesn't help one little bit whether it is good things said or bad. It doesn't help.
What difference can it make? If your working on you what she thinks doesn't matter so forget that line of thinking.
Well I am sorry to bug everyone again but today I got more bad news =(
I got this call from an old friend I haven't talked too in a long time, and he asked me right from the start " are you still with your GF ? " so I naturally said NO why?
So he tells me that for the past couple of month he has been seeing a guy coming out of her place early in the morning and its not you!!
So again another confermation to how bad and how far this girl has wronged me... Again sorry to bug you guys but really needed to vent, I just don't want to hear about her anymore!! :mad:
You got all the confirmation you need that she is a cheat.
She should definitley be in your bad books now!
Oh and remember - what goes around comes around ;)
Yeah.
The problem is when someone breaks up with you, they usually have been thinking about it for some time. They've had time to process it, rationalize, justify, and begin the moving on stages before you even know what's going to hit you.
Oh well. This at least obliterates the "what ifs" as in what if she changed her mind, etc. done, sealed, over.
lol I guess... its like you said this seals the deal!!
God what's wrong with you women lol?? Just kidding, I am sure there are still some good ones out there =)
Hey hey... don't give us women grief :p we are not all the same!
Im totally faithful to my man.. and vice-versa...
There are bad kinds of both sexes!
So can I take it you are no longer interested in how often she thinks of you?
Well you know I came to ralise now that no matter is she misses me like hell or not miss me at all, it does not make a difference.
The reason why I am still dwelling over this is because regrdless that she is a cheat there is a stupid little small place in my heart that still wants her which in order still gives me hope.
What I need to do is cut hope at all cost and realsie that no matter what whether she comes running back or not promising to change IT WILL NOT WORK, the cheating part will be in the back of my mind for the rest of our days and I don't want to live with that!!
You don't want her back, you want what you had (or thought you had) back and that is understandable Kadd. Hope doesn't have your ex's name on it. Hope belongs in the future, dude, in the future with some really nice girl you just haven't met yet, okay?
I hope you're true to yourself and don't turn to mush the first time she tries to come back and turns on the waterworks! Manipulative women are famous for that crap!
Oh, and also, let your friends know before hand, that you have no interest in going back with her, seeing her, talking about or to her so they need not tell you anything that has to do with her.
Get busy, and stay busy with something constructive.
Stop worrying about what she's doing and who she's with! Those things are her problem and the guy's she's with problem, not yours! Feel sorry for the poor sap who's now tolerating all the crap she once dished out to you! Live your life as though she no longer exists. WIped off the face of the earth, period. She's a complete stranger to you. You don't know her name or anything about her! If someone else brings up the subject, make like you don't even know her by responding with something like "[Mary] who?" After they respond in a "you've got to be joking" manner, hesitate for a bit, then reply with something like "Oh yeah, her. Now I remember. But hell, it's been such a long time!" Despite the obvious sarcastic overtures, they'll get the message easily enough. That's what you need to convey to yourself and everyone else. Fake it at first if you have to. However, if you diligently adhere to this philosophy you won't be faking it for too long. Pretty soon it'll be genuine.
FIRST - this gal is REALLY BAD NEWS... I have a few choice words for her type... but won't use them.
This was a great learning experience, but you NEVER want this women back... you can't ever trust her, SHE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU, She took you for granted.
My old saying WILL always rings true - 'once a cheater, always a cheater'.
See people who cheat have a massive screw loose - they think it's OK to do it and justify it in their minds. They ARE VERY SELFISH people WHO HAVE BEEN HURT ONE TOO MANY TIMES BY LOVED ONES.
Let me guess - her parents were divorced - one of the parents cheated?? And/or she had a previous boyfriend cheat on her.
Run from her!! Run like the wind!! Run to a better place. Never look back!! Rearview mirror - see things so much clearer!! Chalk it up to great experience and move on!
s_cianci - I'd rate you again - but I can't. Great stuff.
Well her parents are divorced and WOW it was an ugly one where they used the kids to get back at each other!!
So get this guys I may have figured out her problem. I currently work for the government my salary ranges around the $50,000 a year, now she makes quite more than that.
The reason why I am bringing this up is because one of her friend had told me that she thinks that might be a problem!!
I mean GOD I am not poor yeah I don't make as much but hey... LOL This is great the more I learn about her the more this is getting easier what a nut job!!
You are just as obsessed to be into her as the Terrible One as you were to be into her as the Special One. Do you not have enough already to move on? Give it up and find a new topic, please. There is getting it and there is grinding it into the ground here. She is damaged and bad for you, enough said, quit with the excessive trashing her or analysing her or expect to be labeled the nut job going on and on and on about a nut job and an ex-nut job at that. Holy crapola! :eek:
She is still a person and ought not be wrung through some wringer just to make you feel like da man, okay? Exercise a little discretion here. If you have to put someone down to feel up yourself, guess what, its an illusion and from your own crappy behavior you're down in the that gutter with them.
Reread post #9 - do what it says.
[QUOTE=kadd0007]Well her parents are divorced and WOW it was an ugly one where they used the kids to get back at each other!!
Not surprised... usually cheaters come from that sort of profile... not always... but bad divorces usually result in that - they are hurt, wounded.
The next time someone tells you about... something about this person... stop them in their tracks... say I DONOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS PERSON... WANT A BEER ( OR WHAT EVER YOUR DRINK OR EAT):mad: :eek:... do that feel better... uhh... yeah!
true enough trashing her will not make anything better so...
From now on no matter talking about her, I will update you guys on Monday and of course ask for some more advice and after that I am moving on with my life for good.
So the countdown begins, 4 more days to total freedom =)
She will probably at some point down the track try and manipulate you to see if she still has you. Be strong, be a man and don't let her. Prove to her that she is GONE!!
And let your friends know that she is in the past now and you no longer want her name mentioned. Not even for negative or bad stuff about her. You don't need to know anymore.
What's going on Monday?Quote:
Originally Posted by kadd0007
There is no reason to look to justify why you and this female didn't make it and putting her down is a bad sign that you still let her live rent free in your head. Usually while being hurt is understandable, to give in and dwell on the hurt is a red flag that says you are not doing enough to move on. It may not kill you, but will slow your healing process and always leave doubts in your mind. Being around new people, hanging out in new places, and doing new things may give you different attitudes and different ideas to kick around instead of your ex. Good luck and get busy with YOU.
Hey, I am sorry that you have to find out things the hard way... that's why we are told by everyone to move on and work on ourselves! :)
And I agree with Val that you want what you THOUGHT you had... so please see if for what it is!
And erase her from your mind... you can use the old fashioned rubber band on wrist thing if you need to, but DO NOT WASTE YOU TIME thinking about her, talking about her, or "what if"ing her... she is not worth the time! Not because she is a bad person, but because she is not in your life, and you don't need her there...
And I also advise you to tell people in your life that you do not want to talk about her, so ask them not to talk about her, ask about her, or anyting! Tell them up front that you don't want to know any information about her or her friends...
Ok, that's all I have to say... you have gotten some great advice here! Happy venting!
I've actually been doing this in my own current situation and I can tell you it works. When our friends bring her up I purposely was calling her by the wrong name, which did get some looks at first but the more I did it I started to call her by the wrong name instictively. The funny part is so did our one friend that won't stop talking about her. I figure if our friend won't shut up I will at least not talk about her by name. In a way its also like putting her down without actually doing it so it makes you feel better.Quote:
Originally Posted by s_cianci WIped off the face of the earth, period. She's a complete stranger to you. You don't know her name or anything about her! If someone else brings up the subject, make like you don't even know her by responding with something like "[Mary
Seriously Wildcat are you going to write a book because your insite is always dead on. I'm learning so much just from reading your posts.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
Your so dead on, people who cheat do justify it in there own minds and then try to pass that belief onto others. Usually, the people who the excuses get passed onto to don't want to ruffle any feathers so they just except it.
I was talking to a friend about a month ago about dating women who come from divorced homes vs. women who come from homes where the father was around. In my experience (I'm not saying every woman, so don't jump all over me) women from two parent homes seem to be more mentally and emotionally stable. Fathers do make a difference in an adult daughters life to the point that most women don't even realize it.
Why yes Chuf... I am writing a book - it's going to be for mostly guys... very different perspective than all the other ones out there. Some women won't like it.
The weird thing is the cheating MAY NOT even be to hurt the current lover... it's to hurt the PAST - get even wit hthe person who cheated on them - get even for their F-d up parents.
Once a cheater, always a cheatr. I have NEVER seen the pattern stop.
For the record, I have seen many many bad behaviors stop when the person pursued the appropriate solution. Cheating is definitely on that list. People cheat for far more than one reason, in many different settings and emotional climates and with all sorts of "pay offs". To attempt to predict a person's behavior on such a wide ranging experience as infidelity, in fact, to label anyone as hopeless about any behavior without indepth verifiable data or provable explanation is just plain silly. You're suggesting that people who cheat are incapable of remorse or learning the lesson and stand apart from any possibility of healing. Might it be your own unfinished business in this topic that motivates such a view, Cat?
As far as cheating goes, yes I am. Until I see differnet - I have seen it through a lot of friends. It's something in their make up.
Perhaps you should get around more.
Well, email me or post an update here when you get it published because I'm already sold. Your first purchase is already guaranteed!Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
Do you think that's why nice guys finish last? Or at least one of the reasons. In my own past situations I've found myself dealing, or try to deal with women's emotional issues that went back years, being the nice guy and helping them, and listening to them and of course you know what happened. I got screwed over. Usually for a guy that treats them like total crap, ironically enough.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
Can I make a suggestion? Instead of trying to figure out why all the girls you date make the choices they make... try and figure out why you choose these types of girls... you are like these girls as well... you have chosen people who treat you like crap... so wildcats book should be interesting to read, but you need to point that finger back at you as well... not just to understand others...
I don't buy that it always the past that is Devastating a relationship... yes it contributes, but it is how we handle it that matters... EVERYONE has baggage of some sort... and most people still have healthy relationships. So lets keep focusing on ourselves, please! :)
Wellsadly I must say that years ago I use to actually be that shallow!! I use to go for girls with the perfect body's perfect face and so on.
But I luckily I got out of that state and I have been finding people depending on their inner beauty, that's why I was so confused with this someone, I saw something in her that was never there.
So to answer your question NO I do not go looking for these type of chicks!!
No one begins dating someone know they are bad. If you already knew that, you wouldn't date them. It is a question of how long you want to be in a bad situation when there are clear warning signs.
THis was your statement...
Do you think that's why nice guys finish last? Or at least one of the reasons. In my own past situations I've found myself dealing, or try to deal with women's emotional issues that went back years, being the nice guy and helping them, and listening to them and of course you know what happened. I got screwed over. Usually for a guy that treats them like total crap, ironically enough.[/QUOTE]
This is why I said that you may be chosing girls that will end up being "not so good" for you. I never said you LOOK for them,or that you are shallow at all... you sound like a great guy! But sometimes we fall into a pattern of the types of people we chose... and it sounds like you need to look at why you have chosen these types. IT doesn't have anything to do with looks, like you said in your last post... I am just suggesting you to look at who you chose and why... if not, then you will continue to chose what is comfortable... and in this situation again.
I know this because I used to do the same thing... and yes, I used to stay in them WAY too long as well... despite the warning signs... so I had to start looking at why I chose these negative people for me...
And now, I chose people in my life who have made personal changes, take responsibility for their actions, and have little reaction to the things have been in the past... maybe you can make similar new choices and new things to look for to have a HEALTHY relationship...
PS.. . yeah there are still nice girls out there. I have NEVER cheated... I am very loyal to everyone in my life, friends, family, etc... and there was cheating in my family, so the rule of cheating is not across the board... look for the girls who have the qualities and have followed the rules of life that you value as well... values and emotional stability are key! :)
Thanks for listening! Hope this is helpful for you!
A couple of things, first I think you have me confused with some of the other postersQuote:
Originally Posted by YeloDasy
Second, I don't disagree that I either seek these women out or wind up trying to fix them or change them. You always here women say that about men but it does go both ways. For me I can trace it to my childhood always trying to please my parents who never could be pleased. Nothing was ever good enough. While I was never physically abused my dad made sure to put me down, and every time I did something for myself or accomplished something he verbally slapped me right back down. My mom never said or did anything about it even though she later admitted to me as an adult that she realized it was wrong. Then my dad would turn around and be extremely nice to me like nothing happened, although he's never once apologized for all his verbal abuse. I never knew or should I say, I never learned how to be treated or learned to stand up for myself. So yeah, I think that is why I'm still to this day finding women who have been abused in some way and trying to fix them. In some way I think I'm trying to be the hero, but it just never works out that way. Your right, and I agree that I have my own problems to overcome. I'm not saying in any way that I'm perfect and women are wrong, but as I get older and see the patterns of behavior in women I've encountered I was asking for a reason behind this.
For me, the problem isn't necessarily identifying the problem but trying to figure out how to fix it.
It is good that you are seeing the pattern. Very good. And you seem to know that the pattern is really authored by you, which is doubley good. But let me caution this please and hopefully it won't sound like a lecture? :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by chuff
While I have experienced enough, read enough and seen enough in others to play "armchair psychologist", it is really unwise for anyone here to do that. Like the Nursing and Pet threads, there is a line not to cross and when we meet it, many of us suggest its time to see a professional. Also for the record it is not necessary to be a "nut job" or some big mental case to seek out help from a counselor. You only need to have failure in your life that you can't seem to overcome. So when someone suggests you pursue it with a professional, its probably because they themselves spent the time and money doing likewise and they recognise you won't get the same spectacular results unless you do likewise. I know in my case that is exactly what it is and I wish that sort of success for you too. :)
It sounds as though you are wondering why some women have a certain behavior pattern, I think when you realize why you have certain behavior patterns you may understand why you meet women with certain patterns.
You may get into relationships with these women to rescue them because you always wanted someone to rescue you from your parents. It may be because you like being a caretaker, the hero. No one can rescue someone, they have to rescue themselves. No one will be abused more than they would abuse themselves. Do not spend wasted energy trying to figure out why she did what she did. Take that energy and figure out why you allowed it and felt you deserved it. If you had not felt you deserved it, you would have walked away shaking your head saying "I didn't deserve that and boy does she need help".
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