I'm afraid you are right... But don't talk about other stuff... like that you don't hate her, or whatever. It's pointless. If she asks, just cut it short saying "no". The worse part is talking about the past. Also, don't make plans to meet.
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I'm afraid you are right... But don't talk about other stuff... like that you don't hate her, or whatever. It's pointless. If she asks, just cut it short saying "no". The worse part is talking about the past. Also, don't make plans to meet.
Yeah... I'm actually going back home on Thursday for a few days, but yeah, I'm not going to make any plans to meet. Definitely would not do me any good. And I'll steer the conversation away from talking about the past.
Well at least you can set your boundaries with yourself and the ex and know what you will do and not do - this way you can enjoy your trip without all the complications.
I really don't like the fact that I'm getting butterflies in my stomach about this phonecall...
Don't call! Bad idea! Bad idea! Abort! Send her an e-mail.
It will be fine... just nerves, which is only natural. Not talking to her has become so normal, it just feels weird to actually be about to talk to her.
If there is no way round this and you have to talk- then you better sit down and bullet point what you want to ask/clear and talk about. Best to write it down. This way your focus and well solid.
Anyway, I've been a bit sidetracked, so will fill in what happened...
Well it was a week ago that I called her. I honestly was expecting her to be really cold and just generally not care about I had to say.
But we got chatting, and she got all emotional (she had had a couple of glasses of wine apparently) and started crying about things. Saying how she had been doing a lot of thinking the last 6 weeks and she wasn't so sure about what she had decided. She told me how one night when she had been out, she broke down and told her best friend to drive her to the airport so she could catch the next flight down to visit me... and she just opened up about all this stuff. It was really not what I was expecting. She talked about how it had been much easier for her when we were still in contact and being "friends" and that she had found not being in contact really difficult etc etc. she also told me she was worried that I was going to bring a new girlfriend over on this trip to South America with me, which I found really odd. We had done a fair bit of travelling together (to USA, Mexico, Qatar and Egypt) and she must've been feeling that maybe she was going to miss out on these good times with me... as "us".
She said that she didn't really like how I had all the power (this made me chuckle a little inside), and how I had just made a decision to cut her out of my life.
It was good to talk to her... kinda weird, but good. I managed to keep my emotions in check, and I have been doing my best not to read anything into what she was saying, or trying to psycho analyse it all. The fact is that we don't live in the same city right now, so its not like we are just going to magically get back together.
I guess it was nice to realise that I had this effect on her... that she hadn't just gotten over me like that straight away. I know NC isn't a tool to win someone back, but I guess it has made her realise what she's given up on. And not saying that she wants me back or anything, but I guess she has maybe realised that we actually had something really great... but that right now is not the time for us. And we both know that.
We emailed a little the next day, she wished me a good holiday (im going overseas for a couple of weeks) and passed on her best wishes to my brother and his fiancé who are getting married next weekend. Case closed I thought.
As I mentioned, I went back home for last weekend. I did not make any plans to meet up with her, in fact it didn't really want to all that much, at least not on a 1 on 1 level. But then I was at a friends house and she called me up asking if it would be OK for her to join us. I probably should have just said a polite no thanks... but I was having a good time and didn't really want to just shoot her down after we'd had a good talk a few nights prior.
So she came around. My friends were worried that I was going to break down about it all, but I was fine. I just thought to myself "She is impingeing on my world, I'm not gonna let her affect my mood or my night out" and she didn't. It was kind of weird though... I didn't really expect her to want to come and hangout. And again, I'm doing my best not to read into any of her actions.
I did slip up a little bit, we were at a club dancing and I went to grab her hand and she shook it away and gave a funny look. It actually wasn't a big deal though. We actually ended up sleeping in the same bed (nothing happened other than sleeping... it was a big night) but that was also out of necessity as it was the only spare bed in the house.
But I guess the thing now is... where to from here? Like I don't really see the point in getting back in contact again, but at the same time it feels frustrating to have to get back into no contact again. The 6 weeks of no contact made me realise that I can get on with my life without her. For her not being in contact was really hard... for me it was so much easier than pretending to be friends.
The other thing is... is there anything to make of the things that she told me on the phone? Of her crying when she was talking about it all and getting emotional... and how she had been wondering whether she made the right choice... or how she had wanted to jump on a plane to come down and see me...
I guess, not surprisingly, I'm a little confused. Definitely not as confused as I once was, because I know how to handle this better now. I guess its good to know that I'm calling some of the shots now though.
OK. Enough dabbling in the past with your ex. Time to keep moving forward.
One question you have to truly and honestly answer for yourself...
Did any "old feelings" surface during the time you hung out with her?
Did you think about getting back with her at all?
It seems they may have since you active made a few passes at her (grabbing her hand, whatever else that may have transpired).
The mere fact that you admit that you are a little confused tells me and everyone else here, you are ready for a friendship with her yet. However, you did handle yourself well, IMO, and could possibly be friends at some point.
Get back to NC and give yourself some more time to reflect and do your own thing. Let this confusion settle and go maybe another 3 months and see where you stand.
Just remember, you have the power to make any decision you want, without her influence. Enjoy this time and make good decisions for you!
My ex did the same thing. Don't fall for it. He cried and said he wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing too. I remained strong for a while that is until he then asked me if I would ever get back with him and if I would one day be his wife... I said yes. And got suckered in. Well to cut the story short he wanted to keep me on the back burner while still pursuing his rebound chic. I mean what is that?Quote:
Originally Posted by Empty Cans
Just focus on yourself for now... You already told her that you wanted to work things out. Let her be confused by her herself...
Hey EC, it looks like you handled the situation amazingly well and it definitely shows how long you've come so far, but don't rest on your laurels yet. The fact that you're a little confused shows that while you did well, you're not 100% completely over her yet.. and you started to wonder about if you should make anything of what she told you on the phone.Quote:
The other thing is... is there anything to make of the things that she told me on the phone? Of her crying when she was talking about it all and getting emotional... and how she had been wondering whether she made the right choice... or how she had wanted to jump on a plane to come down and see me...
I guess, not surprisingly, I'm a little confused. Definitely not as confused as I once was, because I know how to handle this better now. I guess its good to know that I'm calling some of the shots now though.
Just stay alert here - remember, YOU OWE HER NOTHING at this point and I recommend going full NC again. Unless she comes back and says specifically, "I messed up, I want you back in my life again. I want to work our relationship." then assume her words mean nothing. But at that point, the ball is back in your court and you can make the decision whether to give things a second try or not. It sounds to me like she just wanted to be near you as it may have given her some sort of comfort - don't be her emotional tampon.
Before you make any serious decisions, stop on by here and run it by us first if you want - that's what we're here for :)
Yep... they definitely did.Quote:
Originally Posted by ;
Looks like this is what has happened to me...Quote:
Originally Posted by ;
That is very good advice. I did my best to assume her words meant nothing... but they still managed to work their way into me and raised that hope.Quote:
Originally Posted by ;
But anyway... I spoke to her again last night. She thought I was ringing her up to have a go at her for seeing me over the weekend... and apparently she had just blocked me on Facebook so that she wouldn't come up in my search results and thus I couldn't add her as a friend (I have no intention of adding her... I really enjoy not having her on there)... kinda strange . But the reason I called was that I wanted to, stupidly, see if she wanted to come to my brothers wedding on the weekend. This is something we had talked about when we broke up... we said we would see how things went and if they were OK she would come to the wedding.
Obviously things weren't OK until we chatted last week and they went well. A part of me wants her at this wedding... shes been a big part of my life, she knows and gets on well with my family... it kind of seemed right that she should be there.
Anyway... she was kind of surprised by this, and as much as she wants to come she said we both need to think about it more before deciding.
The conversation kind of turned serious... talking about us etc... I basically told her that I didn't know where to place her... whether to just cut her out of my life completely, or whether to just remain in contact somewhat and see how things turn out in the future... leaving the door ajar so to speak.
I told her that the things she said last week had me confused, about getting upset and tell her friend to take her to the airport so she could come down to see me etc etc. She said that it was wrong of her to tell me those things and she wasn't trying to confuse me.
So basically... I got "suckered in". She must have just been worried that I was moving on from her, and this was her way to reel me back in again. I know she's not doing it on purpose... I think its just what girls do. Now that she knows I'm still there as an option, she's back on track.
She did tell me that right now she just sees me as a friend, and that I can't offer her more than that anyway. Which is true... and I totally agree, right now I can't offer her more than that. And I don't know when I will be able to either.
She also asked if I had been seeing anyone... and I just told her I had hooked up with a few girls, but no one girl in particular. She said she had seen a guy a few times... but wouldn't say that she was "seeing him". Whatever that means... I don't know what she was really trying to achieve by asking this. I guess she just knows that I don't have a girlfriend.
This is getting a bit long... but she also told me that I need to decide what I am going to do. Like I'm either not talking to her or I am. She doesn't think its right that I can just talk to her when I want, but she can't talk to me. I guess by breaking NC I have put myself in a bit of a predicament.
I feel like I've handled it well, sure, its brought the pain slightly closer to the surface, but I know its nothing I won't bounce back from quickly. And at the same time... I really like talking to her. But I know that all it does is just bring about confusion, as hard as I try to let it not.
So as Tal says, the only way to stop this confusion is to go NC. And I think that's how I'm going to go... this delving into the past with my ex the last week or so has shown me that I have come a long way, but also that I do have a lot further to go. The feelings are still there, I just know how to handle them better now.
I think it just comes down to the above quote:
"Unless she comes back and says specifically, "I messed up, I want you back in my life again. I want to work our relationship." then assume her words mean nothing."
And next time, UnluckyDucky... I'll listen to your advice below:
Quote:
Originally Posted by ;
Yes, you are obviously deeply affected by all of this contact you have been having with her. I think it is still WAY to early to try and form a friendship with her.
Time to go NC and give it more time.
So its been a little while since I posted on here... but I thought I would a bit of an update. Most of these threads do seem just to end and you never really know what's going on with everyone's story.
The reason I haven't been posting is that I have been feeling a million times better about everything, Im definitely past the worst of it although not out of the woods yet.
So my ex and I are in contact again... she did end up coming to my brothers wedding (we actually ended up in the same bed that night, but nothing happened although it could have)... we both realised that was a stupid idea and just agreed to pretend it never happened.
She added me as a friend on Facebook, and I accepted... and that also has been fine. I was in NC for about 2 months and it was absolutely what I needed, but for now I am managing to cope with just being friends... it definitely helps not being in the same city though. I guess I am trying to make a friendship work because we triend to break up on good terms, and although things got messy and I did get really hurt, I need to try and remember that this was both of our doing... we were both just a little naïve.
It does seem to be getting a little easier though everyday and I have caught myself going minutes and then hours without thinking about her. She does still pop into my mind and it still hurts sometimes... but I know I am getting better.
For some reason the last couple of weeks have been really hard... I have been thinking about her a lot and what we had. It really is the first time in months I have been thinking about it like this. I guess these relapses just happen? Anyone else had this happen to them many months down the track?
But anyway, things are generally pretty good. I find myself being attracted to lots of other girls out there and even a couple that I have actually really been interested in.
Maybe had I just carried on with my NC this whole time things would be better... but maybe they wouldn't. The 2 months of NC I did do though were priceless and really set me on the right course. Thanks to all those who have posted on this thread and helped me through some of my most trying times... your help has been invaluable!
HI Empty Cans- glad to hear your well-
I find that whenever the ex contacts ( last time was in March) me- I find myself slipping back to that hell hole slowly.In fact I realised that this happens even when his family members get in touch, just to say a simple hi and how are you doing... I end up thinking about what we had, what he did and how much he hurt me and how now my life is so different- in many ways it is better-and in many ways I miss what we had and so I end up feeling torn to death. Just this weekend I actually asked his family members to respect my wishes and never to contact me again as I get a email from them every 2-3 weeks and it has a negative impact on me. I was v upset to actually having to ask that again from them, but it is sadly the only way for me. I find it very hard to move forward in life, if they are still in contact with me- I can't live that life or be apart of it and live the one I am in right now and have them lurking around this one- it does not make sense, nor does it have a purpose except for more pain. I feel that was the right decision for me- as this is the only way I can focus on me now.
With kind regards
Zeeniee
Hey EC. I guess I did pretty much the same thing as you did... Did the NC for a while then slowly started speaking again with her, without second intentions, just to talk really... I don't know if it's a bad idea. But I don't feel it hurts me at all. Plus, at the same time I have going out with other local girls... haven't been really attracted by anyone, but I have been doing my thing.
I really feel I'm in a very good spot now. I didn't fall for anyone else, but I really don't care about that anymore. It's bound to happen and I'm not in a stage of my life where I need to have someone. I think the problem is that for a while I felt I HAD to have someone. I don't. I'm open and looking but I don't care if I my weekend plan is just watching a movie with my roommate. I'm happily single as I was happy in the relationship with my ex, and as I was a happy child before I didn't even know what sex was.
And about being just friends... For us this is a fiction. It doesn't exist. We're not boyfriend/girlfriend but it would be foolish for us to pretend we're "just friends". We know that. We're in this gray area where things would happen every time we meet but we wouldn't go back to the distance thing, I think. I'm not going to try to cope with that. She's not mine and she'll do whatever she wants with her life. Same here. But I'm not going to pretend that we could meet and just say hi as if nothing happen.
Yep, any contact or news about the ex will cause you to slip a little. You start rehashing everything, over and over again. Just tell yourself, "Whatever...her loss.", and keep on rolling along. It will keep you from dwelling on things.
I went to a wedding this weekend with a few mutual friends of me and her. My one friends BF told me he met my ex and her new guy. He said that the dude is a total loser. That's not the first time I've heard this... but all the same it makes me wonder how things got so bad that she decided to drop everything with me to go out with this other guy that isn't as good for her... :confused:
Hey, whatever... I know I am the better man.
That's what you have to keep telling yourself.
Let the feelings settle. I don't think the whole Facebook friends thing is a good idea. Spending the night in the same room wasn't a good idea either. You are handling this well, but I think for your own well being you need to keep contact with her down to a minimum. Only talk to her if you absolutely have too. Always be polite and civil. If you keep this up, you will always be confused. Your have to remember, your relationship with her will never be what it was. If you are going to be friends, you have to keep that in mind. It's one the hardest things to accept for people. This is the biggest reason why being friends with ex's is very hard. You will always harbor some sort of feelings for them, and many times they get in the way.
At any rate, it's great to hear back from you Empty. Definitely see what those other girls that you're interested have to offer and don't let all this contact with the ex get you down too much.
I agree with jmw0713,
For me the ex causes nothing- but for me to slip and then for me to sabotage everything to pieces= does me no good at the end.
I am lucky in the sense I live on the other side of the planet- but still I do hear things about the ex- like- I have heard that the ex and his chick have split up- how true that is I don't know and I don't care- cos it does not change anything for me nor will it bring back anything we had.I have also heard not good things about the chick my ex is seeing- made me wonder that I got dumped for a complete looser? That just does not make sense- I think I would feel better if I knew I was dumped for someone who was better than me- oh well what is done is done. I am a much better person and I am in a much better place in my heart and world-that is what matters at the end.
I don't think I can do friends with the ex- cause I can't see how I can downscale from loving someone v much to just friends? I guess if I was ever friends with an ex- it would be because I was never really in love in that way and so becoming friends would be fine and do-able. I guess each one is different in that respect- some people can do this, others cant.
Lol, sometimes we feel so good, we think we are cured.Quote:
Maybe had I just carried on with my NC this whole time things would be better...but maybe they wouldn't. The 2 months of NC I did do though were priceless and really set me on the right course.
Get back on the course, and the those old stirred up feelings will fade away. This happens when you break No Contact before your really ready, but you are doing quite well actually. Just needs a bit more work.
Hey guys,
Well my ex started chatting to me tonight and asked me to give her a call. I knew something was up...
Anyway... this weekend I am heading back home to catch up with my parents and some friends. Like I said, I knew something was up, and I said in my last post that I had been feeling kind of weird the last few weeks, thinking about her more often and that sort of stuff.
So anyway, the reason she wanted to talk was to tell me that she is seeing someone. I don't know how I knew something was up... but Ive just had this feeling. Its like I have some sort of intuition... like I know her so well that I could just sense that this was going to happen. The same thing happened last year a month or so before we broke up... it dawned upon me all of a sudden that it was over.
So yeah, she's seeing someone and just wanted to let me know before I found out from someone else when I am back home for the wkend. I don't know if I'm glad I that know or not. I know the guy, he lives with one of my good mates. Hes a nice guy, if that's any consolation.
To be honest... I feel OK. I am not about to crumble into a heap and break down. Im not over the moon about it either... it feels weird.
She said they are just seeing each other and its nothing serious yet blah blah blah. Whatever... it doesn't really matter. We talked about things for a little while... I felt maybe 5% of the emotion that I felt 7 months ago when I found out she was seeing someone then. Back then it consumed me... now I'm just a bit like 'oh well, I guess this is just more reason to move on with my life'. It sucks... but yeah, it is what it is.
I did say one thing to her... I don't know if it was the right thing to say, but I told her that "I know our lives are in different places right now, and I'm not waiting around for you or anything, but if you ever thought about 'us' again, I would like you to tell me. Because I would hate for us to both ever be thinking that and nothing come of it." Or words to that effect anyway... I just feel better having said that...
Anyway... so yeah, sucky news, but not something I can't deal with anymore. It was always going to happen... I just feel that I am really going to need to meet someone else for me to move on to the next step.
Life moves on, goes on, whatever... it is what it is... at any rate, I have a feeling once you are fully over this you will have zero desire to date her again. Just a hunch.
Have fun catching up with your family and friends and I am glad to hear that you are doing much better.
Hey Empty Cans,
Well you can look at this in a positive way in that she told you before you came over and so this way you can give yourself some time to digest things and be good with you. At least now you know it is over in the sense she is moving on, and I am sure will you in your own good space and time- no point rushing on this- just keep doing all the stuff you have been doing since you parted with her and I am sure you will be in a much better place.
Take it easy
Zeeniee
I've slumped back into a bit of a rut again...
This whole her seeing another guy thing has really hit me a lot harder than I thought. I thought Iwas doing much better than this and would be able to deal with it, but its making me feel like I did 6 or so months ago. Especially difficult as they are now a proper item, rather than someone she is just seeing.
Makes me feel even worse that this is all happening around my group of friends, I feel like she has just taken over my group of friends and I have been left out in the lonely cold.
I'm doing my best to just try and let go... but it's a lot harder than I had ever imagined. I just get all these pictures in my head of us, of all these plans we had made, of how cool it was that she slotted into my group of friends so well... but now she's slotting into my group of friends with another guy.
Its probably normal for me to feel like this... it was always going to be a bit of a shock when she had an actual new boyfriend... I guess I just hate how it all seems to have just fallen into her lap... and I'm still so devastated by it all.
I'm trying to use this to give me some closure, accept that she has moved on and that I need to as well... I just really don't feel it happening right now though.
I know how you feel! The thoughts of my ex with another guy are a biatch! I deal with them almost everyday at some point. I start asking myself "where did I go wrong?" "Was it all my fault?"
I am just realizing that no matter what the answers are, it will not change anything. The only way the situation will change, is if I change it myself.
To get all of the frustration out and to elevate my mood, I hit the gym... hard. I've been doing this for the last 9 months, and I will tell you... I feel like a million bucks when I'm done. It makes all of those thoughts not matter as much, for a time. It is a natural drug, so to speak.
Try that for a little while. I will guarantee you will feel better. It is best to go multiple times a week. It will build your confidence, make you look good, and help your mood.
Take sometime away from your friends, for now. Settle down and get some things done. It sucks that she is so entrenched in your group of friends. You will need to plan your outings with them very carefully, to avoid any contact with her. Also make it a point to tell them, that you do not want to hear anything about your ex... PERIOD. That should help.
Are there any other people you can hang with that she doesn't?
Did I mention going to the gym?
This thread makes me very,very,angry.
I have just read the entire thing.
And first of all I want to say I can relate about 90%
My ex is the same,manipulative,cold hearted,and a cheater,who left me for someone else (the same as your case... twice)
And this went on for a very very long time... this back and forthness
Until I decided on no contact,and It wasn't because I was strong or anything,it was because out of no where I pulled out self respect
Because this time I wasn't just 'left for someone' but they didn't 'really date them'
No this time... two DAYS after seeing me and sleeping together it was
Me finding out my ex was seeing someone... how?
Myspace...
So they had cheated on that person and me at the same time
While confronted with this (you bet I did) my ex told me that I meant nothing
Compared to my exs new two week relationship...
Great..
All right OK... to be honest even that didn't get me over my ex... I still tried to be friends.
And be civil.
However...
The last straw was when I found out two weeks after seeing me and saying the above etc etc
My ex had slept with this new person
TWO WEEKS
So I was immensively disgusted
I immediantly got on the phone and told my ex there was no way they could have loved me in the past and gotten over me in two weeks (completely)
And the response I got?
"I never stopped loving you,you pushed me away by freaking out"
Again it just fueled my anger
I am not one of those people like yourself who would see my ex after that or even consider giving her a second chance
She's dirty,tainted,filth
How can you even think of her the same?
By leaving you for that guy,she is saying indirectly she never loved you
Because obviously you couldn't just get over her in a day or whatever
And look how both times she keep you as backup until she found someone else,sweet huh?
So save your efforts for someone who cares and will treat you the way you deserve
And the next time she calls
Don't even answer
When my ex used to call me saying 'sorry for everything'
Or things like that or even worse 'whats up'
I used to get so angry,and start asking why why why why
Now I realize my ex doesn't even deserve that
Silence hurts them more as you can see
Keep it
If she calls you.. let it go to message machine..
If she emails you... open it but don't respond
Let her suffer like you did
No empathy for the heartless
Trust me I have been through hell
Another thing you might want to remember.
To the ex this is how no contact is interpreted.
You having no contact= "i'm not okay with how you treated me,I still expect an apology,and until you mean it,you don't deserve my time"
Having contact= "I'm over it,it no longer bothers me,what you did wasn't so bad"
Again... can you forgive someone truly,who can't and won't change?
That's your personal choice.
You raise some good points 57373 and I can appreciate where you are coming from. She didn't "cheat" on me as such... it all happened after we broke up, doesn't really matter though, she hurt me more than I ever thought I could be hurt. And in truth, I don't know if I'll ever truly forgive her for the way it all went down. Even now when I think about my last trip back home and her rubbing this new guy in my face pretty much... in front of me, with my friends...
The recklessness with which she treated my heart... its something that has definitely scarred me.
She's a great girl, and we had a blast, but its over now and I just have to pick myself up and carry on.
I've actually been doing a lot better the last couple of days. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts, and its still often the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about when I put my head down to rest...
I suppose I am just accepting the situation more and more every day... I am starting to make plans which will put her well out of the equation. I had thought of moving to Australia next year... and she had been thinking the same, but to different cities. Although this is something I want to do as well, I know that deep down I just wanted to put myself closer to her so that things might work themselves out, I don't know. But now my plan is move to London... I have a UK passport (but I'm from New Zealand) so its no issue and my parents will be living there next year as my father is starting a job there.
I feel like I'm running away from my problems a bit, but there are too many memories here, and I just need to get away...
We hadn't been in touch for a week or so but she sent me an email today saying she had paid back some of the money she owes me. We exchanged a couple of meaningless emails... and then I got on with my work.
And I went to the gym tonight and that made me feel better... everything just seemed a little brighter today. Maybe I'm turning a corner, but I know there are a lot more to corners to come on this journey.
I just figured that I have a lot to be grateful for and a lot to look forward to. I'm young, have great friends, I'm healthy, I'm adventurous, I have seen more of the world than most people already and I'm only 24, I'm handsome, I have the ability to attract a great girl and to love and be loved. If this really is the biggest obstacle that I am to face in my life then I will have had it pretty sweet. There's a girl out there who actually deserves me... my ex clearly didn't. And one day I know she will realise that she missed out...
Something that Talaniman said on another thread really struck me:
"You just can't accept her feelings have changed. One day you will, because you will be in that position where your feelings change too."
I think I hadn't been able to accept that her feeling had changed... but now I am beginning to, and I look forward to the day that mine will change too and I can look back on all of this.
Wanting to get away? Move?
I felt exactly the same when I broke up with my ex (finally for the last time)
But guess what after 2 months of NC,I don't mind where I am, a vacation would be nice sure (I am planning some) but really the best way to get over an ex is act as if they died.
Morn the loss,and never look back.
I don't know why you are still talking to her?
Everyday you will be reminded,and based on her behavior,once you DO find someone,I can guarantee she will try to 'win you over',this girl seems to like control.And you might say 'but our conversations are purely platonic'
Yeah but you know as well as I do,those are the worst kind.Small talk with someone who screwed you over (at least in my case) is like working overtime with no lunch break.
And you might say,you're starting to lose interest... well just like you quoted... its a scale.. the second you honestly lose interest she will gain it.. like when you ignored her for two months.
It goes in circles over and over until you cut them out... trust me I've dealt with this for a year and a half but thankfully no more.
You do way too much for this girl who has done nothing for you,talking to her on the phone is horrible enough,but you actually meet her and see her too?
At that rate you will never truly move on.
Its been a couple of months since I last posted so thought I would give a bit of an update in case anyone is still interested... would be nice to hear a few of your thoughts.
So I'm actually doing really well at the moment... after this whole thing went down with my ex seeing someone else, I basically decided to just drop it all and get on with things.
For a while I thought I was suffering full blown depression and had even thought about seeing a professional. But as quickly as I thought that I managed to drag myself up again... I started going to the gym, having been going snowboarding lots, making plans for the future. And I forced myself to stop thinking about my ex...
I just cut her out of my life... no Facebook chatting, no texts, no emails... I just decided to focus on myself.
I'm in the best shape I have been in and actually have people commenting on how I have bulked up with some muscles, it feels good.
I even got laid for the first time since the break up... it made me think of that "What to expect when you break up" post by Friend4u... it wasn't that great, but at least I did it haha.
I have made plans for next year... bought myself a one way ticket to London so going to have a go at living there next year. Once I had booked that I felt so much better... I had a plan, something to work towards... something that I knew would not involve her and would help me take my mind off her. No more thinking about the possibility of us living in the same place next year... things have been going really well.
I made a bet with myself that I wouldn't look at her Facebook profile for the whole of August... and so far so good. We are still FB "friends" but I have made it so that her updates don't show on my homepage... so this way I don't have to know what she's up to, but don't have to remove her completely. Might sound a bit silly but it works for me.
She has popped up in my life now and again... she told me she got the feeling I didn't want to talk to her much anymore... and I just told her that yeah, its just easier not to right now.
She followed that up with an email about a week later apologising for "hitting me up" about it... we exchanged a few emails and I just again said yeah, its easier this way... its not that I hate her or don't care, its just simply that its easier for me.
Anyway this weekend she told me that this guy she has been seeing was in my town and that he might send me a text so we could go for a beer or something... hahaha, yeah right. I have nothing against the guy but I don't exactly want to go and hang out with him either. Luckily he also realised it would be a stupid idea and didn't bother sending me a message.
I don't know why I asked, but I guess curiosity got the better of me... but I asked her if they were still together, And she said no... but she was glad I asked because she had been wanting to tell me.
So now that she's not with anyone any more it just seems that she's trying to once again keep me at arms reach. Its like chicks have a sixth sense about these things... they can sense you are moving along with things so they pop back up into your life again to try and keep you in line.
But anyway, I'm not falling for it this time and I'm just going to keep on doing what I have been doing...
But overall things are really good... I have even manage to catch myself going hours on end without thinking about her... one time I was actually like "wow....you just went all night without thinking about it". Its funny... but I really can feel myself getting better.
Well done. Sounds like you are doing very well EC. I am glad to hear that.
I must have a very strange ex, as she never tries to contact me (believe me I am the same way). I just find it weird that so many people's exs try and keep in touch with them... my ex and I haven't talked to each other in at least four months and I would bet the house it will stay like that.
At any rate, I am proud of you. Keep up the good work and thanks for the update. Does good to see people actually progressing.
My ex doesn't contact me either. Oh well...
Good job EC. I'm glad you look to be finally getting over all of this. Hopefully you come back and update this thread periodically. It's good to get these success stories. It helps break-up all of the heartbreak stories and shows others that there is light at the end, you just have to be determined enough to get there.
I haven't been coming to AMHD often so I only read this update now... This thing about exes (that is also true with other women I've been with, maybe it's something of the human nature) is that when you want it, they reject you, but when you don't want it, the harder you kick (nicely and gently, please) the stronger they hold on to your foot.
Seems you're doing fine. I feel the point is when you plan your life around yourself and not around others... That's when you're doing well.
Well I thought it was about time for another update.
I'm still doing really well and happy with where things are at. In two months time I'm off travelling to South America for about 3 months so really looking forward about that.
Anyway, ex decided to pop back into my life again and we spoke on the phone for the first time in ages about a month ago. She called to tell me that she had been in a car accident, thankfully she wasn't hurt, but she wrote off her mum's car and got charged for drunk driving. Stupid girl. Anyway, so its cost her a fair bit of money and she's not coming to South America anymore. Not a big deal for me either way as I was only going to see her for a couple of days over there anyway... but yeah, sucks for her obviously as she had planned this with two of her best friends for months.
Anyway, a couple of weeks later she sends me an email at work basically crying out for help. She said she hasn't been sleeping properly for months, her drinking is getting the better of her, she doesn't like who she is and where her life is going and she thinks she needs professional help but she wants my input as I 'know her better than anyone else'. Of course I am naturally concerned by this and write back to her giving some advice, saying she should see a counsellor and that she is a good person but just needs to take control of her life.
Anyway, she said she burst into tears when she read my email blah blah blah. I was just glad I could help; she does mean a lot to me and I do obviously still care about her.
So we have been getting on OK the last few weeks, sending the odd email, no big deal, just checking in to see that she's OK. She still sounds like she is in a really bad way, but at least is taking steps to get her life in order. She tells me that I am "the nicest guy ever. Most guys are s, but you definitely aren't".
I guess all this just made me realise that I do have my life in order; I'm overall pretty happy with things, and while still a bit upset about some things, I'm a million times better than I have been.
So things take a bit of a twist, I have just been to Australia for a holiday with some friends and I got back and she wanted to hear about it so I gave her a call. Sounded like she was doing a little better and stuff... but then she decides to blurt out her favourite line. "I need to tell you something....I'm seeing someone". To be honest I'm a bit surprised by this and naturally it still hurts... its not something that I wanted to or really needed to hear. Anyway, we talk about it for a while, I can't really remember what was said, but I was just surprised by who she was going out with, especially given what she has just told me about her mental state. The guy is a total arrogant prick as well and I really thought she had better taste.
Naturally I'm a bit upset by this but its nothing I can't handle, to be honest I am actually used to it by now. She hits me up on chat a bit later and apologises for telling me etc etc and says "feel free to call/text me if u want, even if to just yell at me or if u want to be angry or get something off ur chest". I decline her offer, but then wake up in the middle of the night and think f*** it, I am going to get a few things off my chest.
So the next day I send her the following email:
You asked me yesterday if there was anything I wanted to 'yell at you' or 'get off my chest'…well I guess there are a few things I thought of. I have always been better at writing down what I feel.
First of all I really am fine with everything right now and I am not
the wreck that I was 9 or 10 months ago. I have my life in order, I'm happy and have made some exciting plans for the future.
I suppose what I want to get off my chest is how I feel things have gone down since we broke up.
I have been really hurt by what has happened…part of that has been my fault because I didn't know how to deal with things and I handled it all pretty badly. There are a lot of things I wish that I did and didn't do.
Since we broke up you have had a number of things/flings with
guys….Tom, Simon, Ben, Dave and Neil and there's probably more I don't (and don't want to) know about. I guess hearing that you were with someone else really hurt, but even more so I just felt that it cheapened and was disrespectful to what was a serious relationship between us. That fact alone probably hurt most of all.
I suppose it all reminds me of the saying “don't be reckless with
other people's hearts; don't put up with people that are reckless with yours”.
At the end of the day it's a free world and you can do and see what and who you want. To be honest I could understand what you saw in Dave, he seemed like a good guy and I accepted it and thought that it actually was gonna be something serious.
I don't really know Neil, apart from the fact that he has a bigger
wardrobe than Sarah and frequently sends picture messages of his abs to Steve. I guess the word arrogant springs to mind. When I was up in Auckland last he asked me if 'Dave was still stuffing you'. Ouch.
Maybe I have it all wrong and he's a good guy, but given what you have told me about what you have been going through lately I was surprised to hear that you think it's a good idea to get in a relationship with anybody.
I also feel like I have been somewhat alienated from my friends
because of all of this. They have to tiptoe around topics and keep
things from me in order to protect me from getting hurt. Matty in
particular pretty much won't even mention your name around me. There is no way I can come to Auckland and hang out with them all and feel completely comfortable, which is exactly what happened when I was up in June and you and Dave were around.
In spite of all this I obviously still care about you immensely.
Please don't take this as a personal attack on you, it isn't. And I'm
not trying to talk you out of whatever you have with Neil; ultimately that's none of my business. There were just a couple of things that were probably best to get off my chest.
I'm not upset at you or angry with you about any of this. Our lives
are dragging us down very different paths right now and I look forward to the day that they cross one day in the future, whenever that might be. I just hope that you can be as happy as you were when we were together. And I hope that I can be too.
So yeah, it probably was a stupid idea and its maybe something I should have just posted on here instead. But its done now and I don't feel bad about it all. I just woke up in the middle of last night my mind once again whizzing because of her making me feel crap and I just wanted to let loose once. Let her know that ultimately she has treated me like crap been reckless with my feelings. Not surprisingly I haven't heard back from her. I don't need the drama of her being in my life anyway. It's a privilege for her to have me in her life as far as I am concerned.
Anyway, would be interested to know if you have any thoughts on all of this...
EC
Good job
Man… in my opinion you got played, again.
She got exactly what she wanted out of you, an emotional response. Hook has been set and you got reeled in. You just confirmed that she has emotional control over you. Instead of the long whiny babbling email you could have summed it up in one sentence, "I'm still pining over you."
You do see how she effects you each time she contacts you, don't you? You get inflated with hopes and delusions and then POP, she deflates you with her newest escapade and you freak.
Break the cycle buddy. If she does respond... don't read it. Delete it! Do yourself a favor and let yourself be free. Try 6-12 months without cyber stalking, pining, spying, and worring about her I think you'll find that you're in a much better place. I know you say you're all better now... but damn, reread your email to her in a year and you'll probably want to crawl under a rock.
I apologize if I sound harsh here but I just want this to soak in. And yes, it's only my opinion so you're free to use as you see fit. Good luck, stay strong.
Your email absolutely reaks of jealousy, insecurity, desperation, the list goes on... WHY did you send it? All you're doing is stroking her ego and validating her in leaving you. Don't lie to yourself saying you're not bothered.
You need to wake up and finally put an end to this. Read the post you made a month ago, you were doing fine then. Why did you break no-contact? Complete NC is the only way out of this cycle. By that I mean don't ever speak to her again. You said it yourself - you don't need the drama. You've been in this loop of pain far too long already, get out before you become insane!
Anyway yeah you guys are right, was a bit stupid and I feel like a bit of an idiot. Re-reading it after a day and I want to crawl under a rock. All good though, just another thing to take in my stride.
We all do this, just go back to NC and hang in there, don't worry too much about stupid emails you write.
I wouldn't beat myself that hard, EC. But I think people here are right. You are still emotional about the whole thing, it seems. I think your attitude from now on should be to let her live her life, no matter how dumb her life decisions are.
Go after another women. It's been a year already, right? It'll give you something else to think about.
No worries buddy... had my share of moments I don't care to relive either. Kind of like fire when you were a kid... didn't matter what your parents said sooner or later you were going to play with the fire until you got burned. It's that epiphany of, "Damn! I won't be doing that again..." Live and learn.
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