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Well that's all I want. To know where I stand. Need to know if I can start the motions of moving on with my life and meeting new guys etc (which is going to be a lot tougher, being pregnant) or to continue to put my life on hold on the basis that he does want to come back and he does want to be a proper family, just needs time to adapt? Is that unreasonable on my part? Is that too much to ask?
NOT AT ALL LOVE
Just ask him..
Tell you want an answer now you have had with him and had it with waiting and waiting for his royal highness.
You deserve to know Holly, you are too good for him
Thanks - I knida realise that. I never did anything wrong by him and yet he can do so much wrong by me.
I can assume that he wants nothing to do with the baby and that he and I are over for good; but unless he actually confirms that, then I will have a doubt in my head saying - WHAT IF? - That is noway to live; and it as you say not a simple break up! If this was just about he and I then I would have told him to take a hike and not bother me again, because his actions were just too hurtful and so much damage caused. However it's not so simple when a child is involved.
Exactly dear.
And don't assume, I believe in my favorite saying :-
Assuming the brother of all f**k ups
And I really believe it, because you will keep questioning yourself for as long as you can imagine.
So get the facts straight, you need and deserve to know and don't care if it bothers him, you come first :)
Got forms through yesterday. I am applying for my own house. Decided to move out of home and move on. I am going to make myself and my baby a good life, now its just the two of us I can do things my way!
I have an appointment with my midwife tomoorrow to discuss my birth plan, screening tests and other things that need to be sorted.
I appear to be reconciling things with my real dad. Went to his for tea last week and I am going again tomorrow after my appointment with the midwife.
My nan is looking after me well (as I am staying at hers) I love her cooking reminds me of when I was little and used to stay over at hers lol.
Seen lots of my friends and I am meeting with one this weekend as I have not seen him since May and attending my mates wedding on Saturday! A good long rest will be well earned on Sunday!
Good for you.
Glad to hear this and sounds like you are doing well for yourself sweety.
Xx
It's a case of having too! I would go mad otherwise. I know what I need to do and I know I am strong enough to do it. I am not putting my life on hold anymore! Time to take full control and do what I want to do! I have decided its not me who's alone - it's Pete who is on his own! Putting things in perspective and seeing the bigger picture really does work! - he is losing out on me and a family - I am gaining a family. It might only be a family of two - but it's still my family!
I always do in the end. I think being as pete and I only split up just over 3weeks ago I have progressed and handled things rather well!
I think you are doing the best thing! You have made the right decision and from the sounds of it you have a lot more than a family of two between your nan friends and the possible reconciliation between you and your father!
You are such a strong sweet person and you definitely deserve the best.
Best of luck! ;)
Holly, Like I said in a previous post. Just because originally you thought a proper home is with two parents, does not mean a single parent home is not proper. There are many single parents that have more loving homes then two parent home. I am glad your planning your life. With a new beautiful family member and I hope that one day you are able to share your life with somebody that will treat you and your little one right. I am happy for you. So many times in my life I have experienced lows and bad situations that I thought would never get better. Years later the hard times actually made me stronger and I ended up having so many beautiful experiances in my life. I am so happy your are seeing this experience as a positive for your future with a family that some other people just throw away. Seeing the bigger picture definatley is important. Well, Keep intouch and enjoy the experience of being pregnant. It is such an amazing experience ( through the eyes of a father to be and to my wife who is experiancing lots of kicks and movements. Amazing and the journey has just begun.
Joe
Holly,Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ 'H'
You are doing a fantastic job of handling all that is in front of you.
As I keep reading though this thread and I see how you are gathering yourself together it makes me think of the strength, commitment, and determination that I see in my wife. I didn't know her when she was a young mother, just into college... but I imagine a lot of the things you are going through, she also went through. And, as I said, I'm seeing the same strength and determination come through you in this thread.
You are doing very good things.
Hi Holly,
I haven't been on the site in a while, and I'm sorry to hear about all the upheaval you've been going through. It must be taking every ounce of strength to remain focused and strong for yourself just now, and I'm glad you have the support of your gran and your friends around you.
You sound as if you are taking all the right steps for yourself at the moment. A break will be good for you, allow you to grieve properly and feel the sadness you might have been putting on hold while you have been trying to figure out Pete's feelings. Like it or not, the man is about to become a father, and is acting like a child. This is not your responsibility right now. I think you are being very generous with your feelings for him. Take some time for yourself. Also, I know you are quite close to his family, but it is HIS family. If he so obviously wants this space, it might not be a good idea to be hanging out in his family home - perhaps you could meet his mother for coffee somewhere and indirectly give him that space, and also let him become aware you are not just going to be in the background in any case.
Congratulations on the pregnancy - I'm sure you will make a wonderful mother. You have a great head on your shoulders, and are obviously very loving. Just remember to love yourself. This guy means the world to you, and yet abruptly walked away with odd behaviour that has a slight pattern to it (re: other posts). Be careful you are not "ok-ing" this behaviour, it's quite all right to let him know he's being a **** when you need his support, even if it is just as a sperm donor. Whatever IS going on for him, you have a lot on your plate too, and I would just be concerned you are being so giving here, when you need those resources to nurture yourself. He still has not given you "reason" why all of this occurred, and the friendly texts and calls, while nice, are not giving YOU the space to deal with all that's happening. It sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too and I think it's a little unfair on you.
I'm glad you've taken some time out with a friend, who is equally in a bad place, because you will be able to laugh and cry together and probably never forget your holiday and your valuable friendships. Perhaps Pete did kiss someone and was overcome with guilt, perhaps he is scared of the commitment between you - but it is his problem to deal with, alone. He may become resentful of you being in his home, he may love it underneath it all - but give him a chance to be a man and realise what he has thrown away on a whim. He sounds a little unable for responsibility at the moment. But you have no choice about your responsibilities - you are becoming a mother. A gift of life is inside you right now, and you sound by far the mature one here.
I admire your strength in all this. I know I would probably have had some cringy banging on doors in tears moments myself! But don't bend too much for him, you have so much personal growth within you, and he has a lot of growing to do. He can't do that with you. You can't "grow someone up", but a lot of space does wonders for a man's conscience and awareness. It really sounds as if he has certain issues he needs to work out for himself, because this behavioural pattern can leave you feeling totally groundless as a partner - the night of his birthday was the same. It's up to him to decide whether to deal with that, you don't have to accept that from anyone. I just hope you know in your heart that you have taken all the right steps, you have given him time, compassion and understanding, and if things don't work out, it's because he simply isn't on the same page as you and you are made for better things. I hope this isn't offensive in any way. I just feel it's a terrible shame that you have come so far and have been left in the lurch by someone who means so much to you. I don't know if the texting and calls are a good idea, it's keeping him in the comfort zone a little. He doesn't have to face your loss, and why he made that choice. Walk away totally for a bit, no house calls no texts. Arrange to meet in a month, and talk it through openly. By then, if he's not acting like an adult you have your answer.
Well there's my tuppence. Good luck, and keep us posted. You have given such sound advice to all of us, I hope you are surrounded by lots of love to keep you afloat xx
Thank you giggles everything you have said is true, what I came to realise some time ago and everything you have said to do I am doing.
I have been living with my Nan for the last two weeks.
The last contact I had with Pete was last weekend when he asked if I knew anyone he could sell the birthday present I bought for him too - that was enough to make me realise what an arse hole he is and how much I deserve better.
I have since told my work and they too are suppoting me. My job is safe and I will return to work after my maternity leave.
I am moving away from my home town to be closer to my job (cutting petrol costs down), and know exactly where I stand financially and have no worries there. This will be a new start for me, a chance for me to bring my child up in a good area, meet new people and move forward. The only way is up!
I am much happier - my head is in a good place and I am doing just fine ;)
I'm so happy to hear that! Well done, and btw- what a horrible thing to do, call you up and tell you he wanted to sell your gift to him? What an ars*hole indeed! Is that a serious statement or what!
Good luck with the move, and the emotional move, you deserve new opportunities and chances, so take them xx
Oh hey, you might want to change that avatar too ;)
"The last contact I had with Pete was last weekend when he asked if I knew anyone he could sell the birthday present I bought for him too - that was enough to make me realise what an arse hole he is and how much I deserve better."-Where I come from-this dude would get his *** kicked... what comes around goes around girl and one day he will get his. Good luck to you.Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ 'H'
That's horrible. Well, unfortunately, Pete turned into a big jerk. Big Jerk.
It' so hard to notice these things sometimes when you care for someone or you are in love.
Sounds like he wants to hurt you - which is a form of abuse.
Probably best not to be with him - especially because he won't be a MAN about this.
Its like I said to my auntie last night - he has blown it for good. I deserve so much better and I do not intend to settle for less. Pete has lost out - I however have gained a lot more. I am really excited about becoming a mum and I am making great progress!Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
I have started to move on as well (no point putting life on hold) - I don't intend to jump into anything - but been on a couple of dates with a guy and just enjoying myself... well why not hey! :)
Thank you to all for your help and support on this; I will keep you posted as things progress further.
That is so good to hear Holly. Pete has lost out on a very beautiful experience. At least you are strong enough to experience this for yourself. In my opinion, and many others you are doing a great job and doing really well with everything. You are experiancing, such a wonderful experience. It is amazing. I would not miss that experience for the world. Anyway, always hoping for the best with you and your little one and as well as having fun and enjoying yourself.
"Its like I said to my auntie last night - he has blown it for good." - Totally - A lot guys aren't grown up until even age 35.
I don't get it - he has a chance to be with you AND his child!
There is someone out there for you - and you will know when it's the right fit.
You are a very samrt, mature woman.
Unfortunately you saw Pete's true colors. It's so weird, how you THINK you know someone... but in reality they may be leading you on... acting!. trying to be someone they are not.
I bet most of us have been through this.
Its comforting to know you are not alone. My first marriage lasted exactly one year. It was a milder version of the movie "Sleeping With The Enemy". I learned a lot the hard way and felt the hurt of it for some time afterwards. I was ashamed of it even and wouldn't speak of it for many years. Clearly I am over that haha! There is always a naοve element in love and trust that can be taken advantage of, which is why its wise to gooooo slooooow, see your partner from many angles, meet everyone who knows him/her, see him/her in lots of situations, etc and even then there simply is no guarantee. But once you know, its time to go! And Holly is definitely going now... cue the music for "Don't Rain On My Parade"! ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
Why thank you Wildcat - your words mean a lot to me ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter,Quote:
Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter.
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade.
Don't tell me not to fly-- I've simply got to.
If someone takes a spill, it's me and not you.
Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade!
I'll march my band out, I'll beat my drum,
And if I'm fanned out, Your turn at bat, sir.
At least I didn't fake it.
Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it!
But whether I'm the rose of sheer perfection,
Or freckle on the nose of life's complexion,
The cinder or the shiny apple of its eye,
I got to fly once, I got to try once,
Only can die once, right, sir?
Ooh, love is juicy, juicy, and you see
I got to have my bite, sir!
Get ready for me, love, 'cause I'm a "comer"
I simply got to march, my heart's a drummer.
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade!
I'm going to live and live now,
Get what I want--I know how,
One roll for the whole shebang,
One throw, that bell will go clang,
Eye on the target--and wham--
One shot, one gun shot, and bam--
Hey, Mister Arnstein, here I am!
I'll march my band out, I will beat my drum,
And if I'm fanned out, your turn at bat, sir,
At least I didn't fake it.
Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it.
Get ready for me, love, 'cause I'm a "comer"
I simply got to march, my heart's a drummer.
Nobody, no, nobody
Is going to rain on my parade!
This is where I wish we had a little applauding icon so I could post six of 'em now, which is the limit here! :p
Well I can hear clapping in my head - does that count? LolQuote:
Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
Gosh, Holly.. I'm so glad that you see it more positively now. You're right - it is Pete who is alone.
You've got your friends, Nan, dad, and a better outlook. What more can a girl in your situation ask for..
I just got back from staying with my daughter for a while - she's also doing this without her man, as he was also indecisive, so she made the choice for him and moved out. She is having her baby in August. She has me, her friends, and the support of her bosses. They have taken on being her 'daddy' and support her all the way. Her friends gave her a baby shower a few days ago, and that baby has a larger wardrobe than we do now. It also took her a while to get over the 'mourning' period of that relationship, and it's not really over yet, as 'he' will be visiting and naturally taking part in the financial issues.
It really hurts me that you both have to go through this stage in life in a way you did not plan, but that does not mean it has to be without joy, hope, and new dreams for the future.
Here's hoping you don't give up your dreams and new plans for your future, with or without Pete.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif
Lots of Hugs!
Wow Chery - very similar. Lots in common. Interesting.
Holly where here for you. Guys as young as Pete really are not close to prepared for this. They reLLY SHOULDN'T BE INVOLVED WITH WOMEN BECAUSE THEY CAN NOT HANDLE THE CONSWQUENCES. Seriously.
I know you will one day find a great guy who loves you and the child. I only hope Pete loves the child.
Hey DJ, I've been following this thread closely and I'm so sorry that Pete wasn't the man we thought and he gave you such unnecessary grief. I'm very proud of the way you've handled it though and know for a fact your baby will have an excellent mother and the welfare of the child is first! With your ATTITUDE You can't help but succeed, And I feel you'll conquer this speedbump in good stead. Health and GOOD luck.
Yes, unfortunately we saw the real Pete.
You never know who they think they are... how strange. Some people are pretending and lead you on in dating/relationships.
They take a lot of work and when things get tough, people bail.
I wrote Pete a letter and posted it through his door last night. His Mum said he has read it and is going to reply!! The letter I wrote is below - tell me what you think?!
Hi Pete,
I am not really sure where to begin, but we need to start communicating about THE BUMP (as I call it) and I know how hard you find all of it so I thought rather than confront you (because I find that really hard to do) and put you on the spot, it might be an idea to write to you and let you have a think before responding; as you probably have thought about some of but not all of the following?!
Do you want to be involved? This is something that I really need to know Pete because I have things to sort out and plans to make and I need to know if I can go ahead with my plans or if I have to discuss them with you first?! I also need to know if your answer is YES how involved you wish to be.
Do you want to have a say in what tests I have & don't have? I am having blood tests done on the 14th July to determine everything is ok with me and there are certain ones I can have to test the baby for downs etc which are optional and something I have to say yes or no to!
Do you want to come to the scan with me? I would like you to be there with me; however I am not going to push you into doing something you don't want to do; again your decision. I am due to have one a dating scan soon, to work out my exact due date but they have not yet confirmed a date or time with me to do this, however due date wise we are looking at late December/early November. I am due another scan just to check that all is ok and find out whether it is a boy or a girl in about 5/6weeks time so if you would like to be there for either, or then just let me know, so I can work out dates and times suitable for us both.
Do you want to be on the birth certificate? Bear in mind you will have no rights as a father towards our child what so ever if you choose not to be. (just don't want to to make a hasty decision you could regret)
Do you want the baby to have your surname? Have my surname? Or shall we double barrel it? This all depends on your involvement, I cannot make the decision for you you have to tell me.
Do you want to be there at the birth? Men are not usually good with this and I am not even sure you would want to be there (even if we were still going together) it is the one and only thing I am dredding and the one and only thing that is frightening the life out of me; so I would not wish it upon you as well; but if you would like to be there then that's fine with me.
NB: I am planning to move closer to my job in North Wilts to cut petrol costs down, so that when I return to work, I will have fewer expenses also to have a fresh start! I have filled in application forms with Kennet District Council & Westlea of North Wilts and I will be sending them off shortly (as soon as I get my proof documents) in the hope of moving as soon as possible.
I have picked the names already (after giving myself a huge headache) lol
Isla Elizabeth (Girls)
Owen James Lee (Boys)
I have spoken to the midwife about quitting smoking, and she is referring me to an advisor, however I have cut down and have switched to lights (making every effort).
Please let me know what you want to do and how far you actually want to go (if at all); it's the least you can do for me.
Hope you are looking after yourself
Holz
Well done. Nice letter, couldn't have written better myself. Xx
Very well written Holly. It is good that you wrote the letter, you know I have always said that is the best way to go, if you are unable to do it in person. You got right to the point about everything.
Joe
Thanks KRS - I thought it was an all right letter myself - wrote it off the cuff without even thinking; took me 5mins - I was always like that at school when writing Essays lol
Thanks Joe - it'sgood to know it comes across so well - that's exactly how I wanted it to come across - straight to the point; but no nasty!Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesushelper76
Very nice Holly - I doubt Pete knows much about 'bithin and babies'. Gald you are offering involvement.
Holly, your letter was great! No need to say any more about that.. But, please consider the fact that 'lights' have an ingredient that makes one more addicted.
If you must smoke, then stick to the ones that the little 'Bump'' is used to. Since you were smoking when you conceived the baby already has nicotine experience, just try and cut down as much as possible and eventually quit.
Again, lots and lots of luck dear!
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_17.gif
Thanks guys - always good to know I am doing & saying the right things. ;)
Glad you put all that in writing.
All you can do at this point is give him the opportunity to do the right thing, while you are doing the right thing with or without him.
You've really found some solid ground and an inner strength that is remarkable.
Any news from pete's side?
Nothing, although I was sat in my front garden two days ago (because it was too hot to be in doors and I was feeling rather sick) and he must have noticed and then looked for any reason to be out the front. I even moved at one stage to the end of my drive to be sick (because I did not want him to see me like that and I did not have enough time to get in and upstairs to the loo and he kept riding his bike back and forth past me) He is talking to me again (chit, chat etc) but has not replied to my letter or said anything about my letter?
Hmmmmm... that's interesting. I just wonder if he is too imature to know how to move forward with you.
Is he stubborn?
Immature is something he is proving to be & very young in mind by the way he acts. He is very stubborn also! - he never was with me whilst going out, but proving to be now - but he always has been stubbornwith his family etc.
I'm just not sure if he knows himself. I don't know. I was probably an idiot until my late 20's... this is where my wife would say "WAS an idiot"? =)
I still don't quite get the birthday party incident. What that whole attention thing meant. This is a long shot, and one I really haven't considered before, but maybe he doesn't think he's good enough for something so good?
lately I've been assuming petes just been a jerk (which he has been), but I know a guy who just cannot have a happy life. Every time this person gets things in line he screws it up soon after... to the point where you just wonder if they feel too much pressure when things are good and its just easier to live with failure. Unfortunately, this behavior has meant he has lost everything important to him over the last ten years. It is a self destructive way of living.
I'm not saying petes IS like this, but the reation to the attention at his birthday party and then completely going off the edge with the break up, you just got to wonder why he reacts so opposite when things are so good.
not talking about the letter won't be OK for much longer. He owes holly some answers. The letter was appropriate and thoughtful and forword without being disrespectful. He should return the effort.
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