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1. Congratulations.Quote:
Originally Posted by tabbarat
2. It is natural to be confused, but going back and forth between 2 guys? I don't think so. She knows she wants her ex, but she also wants you. You need to use your pair in the sack and say "hey~ I'm tired of being in the middle. Please pick a side and go on." If you don't say that, you're going to end up really hurt once she makes her choice if it's not you.
3. She is dumb in going back and forth with problems... a player in sense of flirting with you and her ex.
4. Her confusion and her job makes you mad? Well, why keep it in yourself? Help her find another job and make her choose who to be with. In the end, it's going to be a win-lose situation no matter what... maybe a lose-lose as well.
5. How is she worth the price if she's giving you problems? Also, this isn't love.. it's lust~ How do you tell the difference? She's going back and forth with you and her ex... tells you she loves then one second and apologizes for her actions the next second.
6. Well, I'm sick of relationships so I'll be signing my Army papers next summer.
7. Awesome =]
The thing is, I don't want her to pick a side... bc there is a chance she may choose her ex...
What I'm doing is influencing her choice... a swing vote if you will... u have to convince her into choosing u... I work in sales... and I know that to make the client choose you over the competitor, you have to differentiate yourself
So I give her space to think, but once in a while, flirt with her, remind her of what we had and can have... try to influence her choice... at the end, when "election" time comes, who she "votes" for will win
But just giving up and saying, I'm going full NC, u know where to find me.. dont think that will help much
Trust me, I might get hurt a bit if she doesn't choose me.. but I'm strong enough to handle it... once you get over a 5yr relationship ending, you get over anything... on top of that, I'm 27, maybe thinking of being married in a few yrs... so I don't mind still going out and having more fun as long as I still got lead in my pencil ;)
I agree with u: per your explanation, then she is "dumb and a player".. but I still appreciate her telling me the truth, and to a small degree can understand why she called her ex after 4 mnths during that stress phase
She loves her job... doesnt want to change.. and likes who she works with... she got herself another month now, but still on probabtion... doesnt want to worry about finding another job until its final with this one
Moreover, dubai has this stupid rule that if you change your work permit more than twice in less than one year, you have to leave for 6mnths! So if she gets fired before December, she is gone for 6mnths! So that's the amount of pressure she is under
"problems" is a big word... she has problems at work... I don't have problems.. if I see her good, if not, I'm going out with the boys... im really fine.. but I do miss her like hell, I want to be with her, and still really like her.. I think its both love and lust
Joining the army? Well good luck to u... if you want my advice, join when you have an administration in place that won't lie to its soldiers and sends them to their doom over a lie... but of course, I respect anyone willing to defend their country, GOOD LUCK TO U!
First of all, none of us called you a bad person. We are not being judgemental, just trying to be helpful to a young, desperate man in love.like millions of other young men.
But please don't expect people who have had similar experiences in their lives that are trying to help you look at this from various viewpoints, to put on their kit-gloves and stroke your ego. That's not what we are here for.
Do you really think you have a right to call someone you don't know 'stupid' and suggest what he should do with his life in the future? You only know her for MONTHS and are fighting tooth and nail to keep her and influence her to do it 'your way' - where he feels the same way after knowing and loving her for YEARS and h just does not want to give her up either. What's so stupid about that? After all, you both have something in common, you love her, want her, are jealous and not willing to give up the fight for her - so why get angry at a guy who is just as emotional and sensitive as you are, geez, accept that fact and live with it.Quote:
in fact, why doesn't her stupid boyfriend give up! I mean he should realize she moved... she met someone else and fell for him... she moved on.. she rejected his marriage proposal.. maybe he should consider giving space as well
And again, you ASSUME and think ahead too much where she is concerned. You are not in her head, and you should never try to be there - what you should be working on is gaining her heart by continuing the 'chase' with affectionate gestures and not psychoanalysis or thoughts of what you think she is doing wrong or right. Pay attention to her signals and accept her for what she is - not what you want her to be. If you can do that and get closer, that's half the 'battle'. But, we warn you that this is not a movie - it's reality - and will wind up according to how you deal with it through learning and growing.
You want her to see your point of view and also wish her ex would do what you think he should, but I don't see you being very perceptive of our hints either, and you get irritated when we don't tell you what you want to hear. We cannot give you step-by-step instructions on how to get her back because you know that is not possible in any relationship unless you are living in one - even then, we all have to play it by 'ear' or 'feel the vibes' and communicate with each other. As has been said, that's life and sometimes we win, sometimes we don't, but it does go on and we learn from every path we took and will take in the future. It's the choices we make that mold us into who we are.
So, you will make your choices and will live with them - whichever choices you make, I wish you luck and hope it all works out well for you. If not, we will still be here to help you get over it. It it does, we will be here to congratulate you in your determination and growth.
One more thing.. her ex will always be a part of her life even if she chooses you - that's life, that's fact.. Can you accept that and live with it and go on from there without dwelling on her past?
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I'm 57 and still remember my very first ex.. and the rest of them too- so what! They helped in molding me into the person I am now. Every relationship leaves it's mark and it's memories - they don't get erased or ignored and should never be the cause of anger in the next path in life.
Please do not bash our political party as this is not the forum for it. We have not bashed yours.
As for him being stupid for not realizing she moved on, well obviously she didn't move on and still has feelings for him or else she wouldn't be confused.
[QUOTE]That's insecurity in oneself and/or in the relationship...Quote:
Originally Posted by tabbarat
Quote:
what I'm doing is influencing her choice... a swing vote if you will... u have to convince her into choosing u... I work in sales... and I know that to make the client choose you over the competitor, you have to differentiate yourself
So I give her space to think, but once in a while, flirt with her, remind her of what we had and can have... try to influence her choice... at the end, when "election" time comes, who she "votes" for will win
A relationship is NOT politics. It should be a heck of a lot more HONEST!
That's life and we all have to face rejection, whether we want to or not. Believe me, millions of us have been through it and survived it. Read some of the stickies in the Relationship Section to see that you are not alone.Quote:
But just giving up and saying, I'm going full NC, u know where to find me.. dont think that will help much
Building a relationship is not a game or a sales competition. You need to set yourself some 'emotional' goals and work on them one step at a time, to include the ups and downs, just like everybody else.
We are here to help you, but you need to ask yourself what you really want. (I know I'm repeating myself, but I would not waste my prescious time if I did not care - you see I have terminal cancer and give advice for free, so rest assured that we don't gang up on anyone... )
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I didn't mean to bash your party, but as a canadian citizen, just giving my opinion.
True... she did move on, but was not COMPLETELY over him... didnt deny that.
Again, she is confused even though her ex of 10yrs is back in the pic.. I look at it as an achievement instead of a sign for me to give up...
Anyway, still not expecting anything... just waiting, taking things slow
OK.. 1) thanks for all the advice... I never said that I don't appreciate it.. I really do.. and no offense, but I don't need anyone to stroke my ego, because as you see, it's pretty high already :P... since day 1 I've been saying what I plan to do, but thanking everyone for their advice... and just 2 days ago I told everyone, that as soon she moves back to ukraine, OR shows me she no longer wants me, you all will be the first people I tell and tell you I was wrong
But you have to accept my determination, and take it as a sign of how much I care about this girl and want her back... I rarely fall for a girl, so when I do, I do my best to try to fix things
2) I don't have anything personal with her boyfriend... really I don't.. in fact, part of me thinks he is a lucky guy because he had her for 10yrs and lived with her for 3... he wanted to marry her, which shows me he is a stand up guy
My anger is not directed at him as a person, but as her past that has come back to bite us in the @ss
3) I am trying to win her heart by gestures... I didn't give up... when we talked on the phone I told her that she is someone I really care about and want her to be happy even if its not with me... etc.. she knows how I felt about her when we were together, and how I feel about her now
4) your right, sometimes we lose, and sometimes we win... and I'm a big man to accept if I lose, and not scared of losing... but also I'm not someone who gives up for a girl he knows he can make happy in the present and future
5) I know her ex will always be a part of her life... he always was in a way during our relationship (the reason we were taking things slow).. I never dwelt on her past.. if you read my original post, I said that I didn't care and took it slow because I care about her... so I believe all things can be solved by communication
I remember my ex too, and still talk to her when I need someone... my problem is not with her calling her ex when she was feeling stressed, but that she realized that she still had feelings for him, and got her confused
Hmmm.. I know it's a stupid example, but are you guys FRIENDS fans? The show... Richard was monicas past, he wanted to marry her, but she moved on and met chandler... when there was trouble and she started talking to richard again and she started getting confused, did chandler give up? no... he went and told her he loved her etc... its a stupid example, but the point is that the past shouldn't always win... the new guy may just like the girl more than the old guy
Thanks again
Didn't mean to make a relationship into politics! Was just watching obama-mccain on the news and got me thinking :)
Trust me, I'm not scared of rejection.. when I was a single guy, I would get rejected sometimes... its part of life... and I handled my relationship of 5yrs ending, so it made me stronger... I only move on (if it's a girl I love) when the fat lady sings... and so far, the fat lady hasn't sung yet... she is just standing on the stage thinking what to do ;)
I'm sorry to hear about your condition... im in charge of the GARDASIL (cervical cancer vaccine) account here in dubai, so I know about cancer first hand; from doctors and patients... I really appreciate all the time and free advice you give.. hope you guys can see that... dont take the fact that I still do what's in my head as a sign that I ignore your advices, because its not
You need to stop comparing your reality to something that happened on a TV program. They have a script, you don't, although I think that you may be looking for one. What would you be saying if the outcome of the program was the other way around and the old boyfriend won out? You need to know that happens sometimes as well. Both are possibilities.
I can't help but think that this girl wants to have her cake and eat it too. She is using both of you because she has her own insecurities over the fact that she does not want to be alone. She is stringing her ex around JUST IN CASE she has to go back home. She is stringing you around JUST IN CASE she has to stay. That is not love, that is manipulation. That is being a player for her own wants and needs. She is playing both of you wrong.
She is not confused on one thing, she doesn't want a relationship with you. That's clear through all the confusion. What you have failed to see is, the friend zone label, she has pasted on your forehead.
I have seen this so many times, and no one wants to believe, the one they want more with, keeps feeding them just enough crumbs to give them some kind of hope to keep giving them attention.
That's behind this whole thing, she keeps you close because she wants, and needs the attention you give her.
You don't win any one back, that's not up to you, its completely up to them, and all the flirting, pushing, pulling, and gesturing means absolutely nothing.
You also fail to see that, despite your "gestures" she hasn't changed positions at all. Prove it to yourself, and see what happens when she doesn't get the friendly attention she needs from you. She will blow your phone up, and wonder why your ignoring her. But through all of this, she ain't going to be your girlfriend. Hmmmm, makes you wonder why your doing all this, when you could be having such a good time with someone who is healthy, honest, and available.
Mom of 2: well, yes and no... true the girl is confused, but I don't think its out of manipulation... she has no idea what she is going to do about work, and doesn't even know if she is leaving the country or not... she really likes both of us... I mean that is her ex of 10 yrs, and I am the new guy that she fell for very fast...
Of course no one likes to be strung along, but she expalined it to me on the phone the other day... she just wants to take things easy until she sees what happens with her job/staying in the country.. her priority is sorting out her job first... the situation of me and her ex is secondary... but she isn't doing it out of spite or manipulation, just trying to protect herself
Sure she started talking to him again, and told me to take it slow.. but it is no way a "break up", as is in just leave me alone... her words and actions so far don't indicate she wants me out of the picture yet.. and I'm going to be there for her until we see what happens with her job.. supporting her as a friend/bf (if we get back)... as long as she has feelings and is confused, I'm going to be there for her, I have nothing to lose; on the other hand, I have everything if I have her back because I really like her
talaniman: do you flirt with your exes? Do you go to where they are knowing they will be there... when they tell you "i have to go", do you tell them "no dont hang up, i miss u"... nope, because you have them in the friend zone... she doesn't have me there yet (to her admission as well).. she told me on the phone that she really likes me still and that's why it was awkward the first time we bumped into each other
But your probably right.. she gives me crumbs so I can give her attention.. and I give her crumbs too so she doesn't completely sway to her ex and maybe get her back.. or to answer you better, make HER decide to come back
Nope.. dont wonder.. I know exactly what I'm doing... had plenty of "healthy, honest, available" girls in my day... now I just want her.. but thanks anyway
I mean I flirt once in a while, but still living my own life.. when she decides, she knows where I am
But let me ask you.. why are you so pessimistic?
I wouldn't call it pessimistic as much as I would experience. From the 8 or 9 months I have been on this site, I have yet to hear a success story in where the girl went back after a break. I mean if you read through all the posts on this site, there aren't many success stories are there?
True... u have a point.. the chances are slim.. and that's why I say I'm not expecting anything... think of it this way, if I was scared of rejection and knew the chances were not to my favor, I would have walked away and saved myself some pain.. BUT, instead I'm still in the game in a way... which either shows I'm really smart or really stupid :P... only one way to find out, and I'm willing to risk that for this girl (I only fall for a few girls)
And hey, there's a first time for everything ;)
I'm not pessimistic at all, and if you follow my posts, its about being healthy and realistic. Your female isn't the poor, helpless, confused, thing you think she is, and has her own motivations for doing things. My point is, make your decisions based on facts, and not feelings, because despite what females say, it's their actions that reveal the true intentions. That with all us humans.
I also suspect there is something your not telling, because you seem mighty invested for a 4 month dating thing. Especially since a player like yourself is hung up on this female, and should know full well, it takes more than the feelings of one to make a relationship. As long as you play "the game" by her rules, you lose.
Could this be about ego?? Or you just have to prove you got it?? I don't know, but you seem to spend way too much time trying to accomplish what?? What does a player do when he gets what he wants?Quote:
Make HER decide to come back
He moves on, as there is no more thrill in the chase.
I think she's probably moved on.
But, I'm glad you can accept it and can be friends.
1) I disagree, she IS confused.. but you are right, she also knows what she is doing... she doesn't want to decide on anything before she knows where her job puts her; stay in dubai or go back to ukraine for 6mnths
2) her actions tell me she still has feelings... no, scratch that.. she TOLD me point blank she still likes me (during one of those long phone convos we had in which she didn't want me to hang up and kept flirting with me)... so there is no doubt there is still smthg there, or else I would have been out of the pic 3 weeks ago when the break up happened! I'm no fool, I don't waste my time on a girl that doesn't want me... but I know she still does
3) I like how your trying to analyze me :P... I never said I was a player.. that is an ugly word... I just like being single, partying, meeting different girls, etc... most of my adult life has been single with dating girls for a max of one or two months.. nothing special... I have only fell for 2 girls, my ex of 5yrs which ended because she wanted marriage and I wasn't ready yet, and now this Ukrainian girl for 4 months... the reason I'm so "invested" is because she has everything I want in a girl and more.. we just click... we didn't fight once in 4 mnths! I can't explain it.. but I have been in dubai for 1 year now... the 4mnths with her were better than the 8mnths I was single in! (mind you I had my first threesome during that time ;) )... I rarely "invest" in a girl, but she was definitely worth my "money" ;)
Its not about ego.. trust me... she knows I can go out now and pick up a girl... some used to call me when I was with her.. and she would see me ignore their calls... I don't have to prove anything to anyone...
And the chase is not over, the thrill is still there... bc actually, now I realized how much she means to me
Hope I'm shedding light on why I care so much... all your advices are sound, and to be honest would probably give them myself to some poor sap on this webpage, but you guys have to be in my place to fully understand... im keeping my expectations low but am strong to handle whatever may result (I think)
As for ASH123: what makes you think she FULLY moved on?. and yeah, if all goes down the drain, I won't mind being friends with her.. just like I'm still friends with my ex of 5yrs... when I told her that I want you to be happy even if its not with me, I really meant it because I do care about her purely
I know I stated I wasn't going comment anymore but I wanted to point something out to you.
First you say:sure she started talking to him again, and told me to take it slow.. but it is no way a "break up", as is in just leave me alone.
Then you say: there is no doubt there is still smthg there, or else I would have been out of the pic 3 weeks ago when the break up happen.
Was there an actual break- or not?
First you say:she was the one who said she loved you first. Then you say, she only likes me. Which one was it?
Tal stated you were a player because you stated it in your eariler post. Now you say, player is a ungly word but yet you used it and associated it with your name.
Also, you can win someone heart when it is there to be won. What your going do win half or 1/4 of her heart?
1) Welcome back lizzie!
2) well, it WAS a break up in the sense we aren't together anymore... but NOT a break up in the sense that she still has feelings and is confused... when I break up with someone it means "leave me alone".. her break up was more of a "lets take it slow, give me time and space i am confused"... if I felt she didn't care about me anymore, I would have left 3 weeks ago
3) what I said was, until I left for vacation for 3 weeks... we used to tell each other I really like u, I really care about u, etc... one night she messaged me "i love u", and when I called her the next day, she said she was just feeling emotional because she missed me so much, but she wants to tell me it in person when I get back from my vacation... but we never got the chance... so lets say she really likes me and I really like her, but if things continued great with us (and she didn't get the warning at work), we definitely would be telling each other "i love u" now
4) I'm a player in the sense I like meeting different women and like to be single and party and travel... but NOT a player in the sense that I cheat on women and treat them badly and lie to them... never have, never will... in fact, the reason my relationships last 1-2 mnths is because I'm honest and break up with them first before I do smthg with someoen else... I have a younger sister, so I treat women the way I want guys to treat her.. with respect and honesty
5) of course I want her full heart... I know she wasn't FULLY over her ex while she was with me, but she was moving on and things were amazing with us... UNTIL the warning at work, stress etc. came and her past came back in the pic... so I want her back, then we'll go back to working on moving on and continuing where we stopped
That's just too condenscending, for a guy who is one of thousand trying to get their "girl" back.Quote:
all your advices are sound, and to be honest would probably give them myself to some poor sap on this webpage,
Its been a while for some of us, but you are far from unique. Especially on this forum.Quote:
but you guys have to be in my place to fully understand
You still hold on to confused huh! So be it.
No disrespect to anyone,, in here I'm just like the rest of these guys.. true
And yes, still hanging on to confused... bc of all the examples I've said in my posts, because I'm the one living the situation, and because she told me straight out she still likes me.. u have to trust me on this one...
If I was sure she FULLY wanted me out of her life or only FULLY as a friend, would have been gone long time ago my friend
Take care
Given all the facts: ukraine, old boyfriend, job stress, new culture, new place, "confusion" and flirting in bars... she is clearly not serious. How old is she? 25? Has she gone to college? What is her relationship with her parents? What is her financial situation? What happened with her EX? How did they break up? How many friends does she have in dubai?
Since you have not had many serious girlfriends I know this feels really special - especially since she's making you work - but I am not sure yet this is too much.
Look at these questions and I'll see.
Also, what do you do?
I don't get why all the interrogative questions about my work or hers, but here goes:
1) flirting in bars? When did that happen? She met me in my bro's birthday and we clicked directly.. she rejected me twice before she agreed on going with me to dinner for the first time... bc of the reason I told everyone, that she told me she just got out of smthg serious and wanted to take things slow.. and since the breakup, we flirt on the phone or the time we saw each other.. which is normal for people who still like each other
2) she was with her ex for 10 yrs on and off... she lived with him for 3 yrs... he asked her to marry him before she moved here, but she wasn't ready and wanted to be on her own and try new things, etc.
3) she is serious... serious about work and was serious about me... I don't have to justify that.. I mean we had a 4mth relationship like anyone else... see each other like 4 times a week, phone everyday, dinners, movies, nightclubs, etc... very good relationship
But she warned me at the beginning that we have to take it slow because she just got out of smthg serious... she wanted to move on from her ex, and she told him to move on, in front of me even when he would call her... her feelings for me were genuine and serious (at least while her ex was out of the pic)
It may seem not serious to you now, but you had to be there from the begnning... dont just look at one part... I have no doubt that what we shared was genuine and true
She is 25, exactly, from ukraine, went to college, works in real estate, and if she has a good month, makes more than me! :) her parents seem middle class
She is very close to her parents... I met her mom, sister, and aunt, talkd to her dad on the phone... seem like nice people
She has around 10 friends in dubai (mostly co workers); mind you she has been in dubai less than a year... I know all her friends and we all get along, and my friends like her too
Trust me, I'm not into her because I haven't had many relationships... im into her for the person she is... like I said, we just click and fell for her quick and hard... her too (to her own admission)... take it in a way that I was willing to give up my single life for her
I'll give you an example.. I was on vacation for 3 weeks, had a chance to sleep with a girl, didn't do it because I couldn't cheat on her because I don't want to hurt her, and because I couldn't stop thinking about her... the old me would have nailed her hard ;)
As for me, I work in pharmaceuticals.. with Merck... im in charge of sales of one of their vaccines in dubai... Thankfully, I do pretty well and meeting my sales targets every quarter
Now tell me how all this info helps? :)
Thanks
Well I can tell you from a woman's perspective, that the transition from a long term relationship to a new country and job is crazy. I say she needs time on her own, and to save you getting scolded try and do your own thing- 'fishes in the sea' and all. Its just not worth the hassle, get out before its too l8!
Your right cooly... and that's why she told me to take it slow... and I didn't mind... im already in too deep, too late I guess, but thanks :)
ok, here's what I get. The more I ask the more I learn.
Quoting you: "He asked her to marry him before she moved here, but she wasn't ready and wanted to be on her own and try new things, etc."
So, that is what she is doing and why she is protecting you. A girl can be head over heels but will stick to her "plan" of independence. So, expect that to stay the same.
Next. her job is clearly very important to her. She travelled a long way to do it. It is #1 as we all know. So, I think she will not get serious, as you know, for a while.
I am glad to hear she is close with her family so she is not drifting. It also means to me that we can believe what she says since she has a firm foundation. And she has said she wants to be independent and work on her job.
You have mutual friends. That is good for the most part. It also requires some careful maneuvering right now clearly. In a way, it is a double edged sword. You can be sort of connected which is nice. And you can show you all get along. But there is not the separation she may need.
I think she sounds like a super cool girl. And would be fun as heck to date. I think the next chance to rekindle what you have will come when her independence and her job are cooking - as you know. How long? I'd say about a year would be wise. 6 months if all goes as well as possible. Anything before that she would not likely take seriously. (She might hook up with you before that, but being a serious girlfriend before that - I'd guess probably not.)
Life is tough and sometimes we have to prioritize and that is what she is doing.
One note: The word "love" is a powerful one and when we hear it, it can make really move us. It means a lot. I have to say that the word is often not as quite as meaningful as the actions... and right now her actions are not love. But if things change let me know. I hope you find what you're looking for. It may take a lot of patience and it may... not be her.
For some reason I was not allowed to give you a reputation, but you deserve an award ;)... well said and well interpreted
I'm sure she felt things with us were getting serious; at a point when she was stressed at work, and realized she still had feelings for her ex... so the logical step was to cut me out and give herself space, so she can concentrate on her work.. I understand that...
When we were talking on the phone the other day, she told me that she is sorry about how things ended up, but she explained her situation... she was very worried about getting fired, because that means she has to go back to ukraine for 6mnths! And she loves her life here with me, her friends, her work, and of course her aunt... she would prefer to stay here..
OK.. let me recap... everything was great between us, moving forward, falling more and more for each other, then all of a sudden she gets the warning at work... she gets stressed and that made her realize what her priorities are and maybe also turned her off our relationship... the stress at work made her realize she misses the person who knows her best, her ex of 10 yrs... she gives him a call... for about one week, she was talking to him and me together, but she realized she also still had feelings for him... knowing that, plus the stress at work, she decided to cut me out.. sound about right?
OK.. I know all this... ur saying I have to give her space for maybe 6 mnths to sort her life out... I don't mind being friends with her during this time because I do care about her; but:
1) she is on probation, so that means she could be gone any month... time is not a luxury
2) what about her ex boyfriend? What are your thoughts on that? U talked about her and me, and her and her work, but what about him? How does he fit it in?
Because I know she has feelings for him and for me... so as long as she is confused, I have a window of opportunity... the moment I back out, I move into the pure friendzone, and he moves back in as a long distance ex (if she ends up staying in dubai)
For that reason I'm doing a strategy of mixing distance with flirting.. giving her space but also staying in the pic
Thanks again, take care
Her ex BF is a comfort zone. Something she can fall back on if things get rough.
This is likely my last post on this so read close.
1. My last post pretty much said it all. Please re-read
2. If she is on limited time, then she KNOWS you both are on limited time.
So, when you see her - yes be fun and nice... But not much else to do.
At some point, as long as you have said she is important to you and how you feel, you've done your job.
(That usually happens at the break-up) Contacting her beyond that will just stress her.
3. The boyfriend is going to be in play/in her mind for 6 months to a year NO MATTER where she is.
4. It's just bad luck right now for you. Don't worry, I don't think you are a player. No player would freak out this much after 4 months. :-)
I am glad you care for her a lot. But a lot of this is out if your hands.
I've gotten girls back MANY times, and it only lasts if they have sorted out whatever was bugging them to begin with. If this was just an insecure girl you could fight for her and make it clear you want to marry her etc. but this is not one of those cases. She wants to be single. If she ever doesn't want to be--you'll know it. Until then, relax, it is out of your hands...
Again, well said... hope u stick around though
Due to your disagreement ratings to others for their opinion, which is a violation of the rules, someone gave you enough disagreements to nullify your ability to rate others, whether you agree or disagree. Read the rules.Quote:
for some reason I was not allowed to give u a reputation, but u deserve an award ;)... well said and well interpreted
;)
I thought it was just a "spread the reputations" that caused it?
Oh well, love is a battlefield.
True... all is fair in love and war...
Anyway, just to let you guys know... last time me and my ex had contact was on Sunday, when I messaged to see how she is, but she called back instead and we had a nice long flirtatious conversation... im thinking of calling her tmrw.. contact once a week, can't be that bad ;)
Regards
Good luck man I don't wish you the crap end of the stick here. In an Ideal world everything ends as we want it to. BUt as we all know it does not. I just don't want you get hurt if you end up being a failed rebound. 10 years being with someone is a long time to get over it all. But I do wish you the best, as in the comes around to you and your happy for the rest of your life.
Thanks man... have met some nice people here the past 3 weeks... even though sometimes I don't listen to ppl's advices, I still appreciate all posts
I know 10 yrs is a long time to get over someone... but I was with someone for 5 yrs, and am over her.. in fact she is getting engaged soon to the guy she started dating 3 months after our break up! I know I shouldn't compare, but it is an example of how sometimes you should just move forward and leave the past behind
Will keep you guys updated... take care
Look we know your stubborn, and smitten, and as pessimistic as I may sound, or as harsh as I can get, its all about being healthy in mind, to be able to judge the facts, for what they are, and make reasonable decisions, based on facts, and not just feelings.
Backing away, and changing the routine, and cutting contact, is a way to achieve that goal. It will allow you the advantage of clearer perspective. That's all No contact does. It lets the emotional dust settle enough that the brain can be engaged, to it full potential.
I completely agree with u... but what is no contact supposed to do for me now? Think clearly about what? If I still want her or not? If she is worth the "chase'?...i already thought about it, and the answer is yes...
i am completely for the NC strategy if there was a huge fight or disagreement of somekind, or some irreconcilable differences, in order to let the emotioanl dust settle...for example, my relationship of 5 yrs ended bc we couldnt agree on if/when to get married...i was ready, she was not...so we used to fight...no contact gave us the sapce and time we needed to think clearly and we both decided that it was best to end it..so we stayed friends
but this case is different...there was no fight or differences...i mean i was not confused about anything...i wanted her 3 weeks ago, and i still want her now...so NC from my end now wouldnt solve anything, and it wouldnt serve its purpose...
i agree she needs space to sort out her life (work, if she is gonna stay in dubai, her ex back in the pic, etc), and i agreed to give her space...i changed the routine, no contact everyday, no seeing her 4 times a week anymore, etc...so she has her space to think, but again, i contact her still once in a while to "influence" her decision... and she doesn't seem to mind, may I add ;)
Finally, I don't think your harsh, on the contrary, your advices are sound and just
Correction: my ex of 5yrs was ready to get married, I was not :)
No contact may give you the time to settle down, and think of a better strategy! This one ain't working, and you will be in friend zone, until you figure this out.
Your situation may be unique to you, but you could benefit from think time.
judge the facts, for what they are, and make reasonable decisions, based on facts, and not just feelings.
I think your suggestion of a better strategy would be full NC, then maybe in like 6 mnths contact again or smthg when she would have sorted her life out... maybe, but its too long to wait when there is an ex back in the pic AND because we don't know if she will still be in the country by then.. time is not a luxury
That's why I'm doing a balance strategy.. and as long as I'm flirting and saying and doing things that will kepp me out of the friendzone, I shouldn't worry... obviously there are actions and words you should say to stay out of that zone
A few are: flirting, don't talk about her boyfriend! make her jealous sometimes, tease her in a funny way, if your going to invite her out it should be at night and preferably alone, etc... these are a few things I can think of now (more ideas welcome)
Sure I haven't got her back yet, and that's IF I get her back, but in any case, 3 weeks is still a short time to determine
All due respect, but your strategy has some really big flaws in it, and all built on assumptions, and fear. You can never assume the female heart, and mind, nor can you make some one comeback to you, nor make them feel as you do, or as you want them to. The fear comes in when you let the shadow of the ex, enter your thinking, and assumes how she may feel about him.
Better to get solid with the things you CAN control, and that's YOU, and what you do for yourself. I've seen many a guy crash, and burn, over assumptions, and try to control a situation he cannot. So do your thing, as I can appreciate the learning process, and the growing pains that come with it. I won't say I told you so.
HINT- She doesn't want either of you!!
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