You read the first and last post correct? You skipped everything in the middle ;).
This wasn't a fight.
I am aware of the little to no progress.
|
You read the first and last post correct? You skipped everything in the middle ;).
This wasn't a fight.
I am aware of the little to no progress.
Oh Justy I am so sorry to hear this. I was kind of hoping for something more positive. But keep in mind what you said last week about in the end positive will come out of this. If your living like a married couple but he doesn't want to marry then to heck with him. Maybe its not true in any way, but my first thought was not marrying he is keeping his options still open so he can walk away with less hassle. I hated to write that to you but that's what came to mind. Its going to be so hard but take this as a step towards a new and happier life.
A big hug your way...
I read the first page and the last page (and now I read a few more pages) and saw that there was no progress anywhere. Just something I wanted to help point out.Quote:
Originally Posted by Justwantfair
You already know this, but if there's no progress after all this time, how do you know things will get better later? It definitely won't fix itself overnight. If you're willing to continue to put your life on hold and wait it out, I'm sure we'll all support you. But we also want you to be happy!
I'm sure you know this as well, but I still feel the need to point it out. The longer to keep hanging on to something that isn't going to turn out the way you want, the more you will miss out on.
Yeah, I agree that seems to be the only valid reason for not stepping up to the plate he already eats off. I know that I don't have it in me for any more patience. I love him, this isn't what I wanted or expected. I did yesterday learn more about the role I have been playing in the most recent frustrations. I did walk away knowing that this would be a failure of both of ours, not just his. There seemed to be a lot that he has been frustrated about that he communicated and I wasn't listening to, which I had thought we communicated well, but in hearing some of how he interprets my responses (which haven't been positive lately) I completely understand why he feels like it will be a difficult relationship to repair.Quote:
Originally Posted by 88sunflower
It made it a bit more clear how he was pushing away rather than drawing closer.
I understand this, I am working on letting go of the last five years.Quote:
Originally Posted by I wish
Walking away from five years with two children involved isn't my favorite option.
The progress has been there, it just isn't marriage, it's progress of learning to communicate and handling some highly stressful custody situations with a man who already has a commitment fear. This has been a trying year, but not just between us.
Its been a long road, its trying just like you said. But take it as a learning lesson and use what you have learned and hurt from to move forware.
Do the kids know yet? How is this going to be on them? What if they want to continue to see him what will happen then?
It takes time, but you'll get through this. You've come a long way and will continue to get stronger. Make sure that you're surrounded by friends and family for support.
We're always here to give you objective advice and support!
I guess a part of me says that it's still a relationship in progress with the potential to be a great relationship, the part of me that has seen us make it through some tough times and a part of me that sympathizes with his issues and the progress he has made for me. The other part of me wonders how long I can give.Quote:
Originally Posted by 88sunflower
The kids have no idea, we did everything together as usual this weekend. I am not stirring that pot until I absolutely have to. My daughter will be devastated, her father's wife recently separated and moved out of her father's house. That was devastating to a little girl with more compassion in a little finger than some have in their whole body. My son will be pretty upset also. I know this will be a long road for three (4) people. I wouldn't stop a relationship between my kids and him. He is a wonderful role model and he has made great progresses with my son, who father was absent most of the time until the last year when now he is the video game father. ::sigh::
I know on that end it's easy. At times I remember that I think it's easy, but I always feel like I am walking away too soon. I honestly wondered two years ago, if we would ever get to the point of living together, we had been together for three years at that point. His progress is dismally slow, but it has been there. It's just required every ounce of my patience.
Well maybe with luck on your side this split can happen and be some eye opener for him with little effect on your kids. What would happen then. If you were a single girl again knowing what you know of him would you date him?
Without the history we have, I wouldn't get involved.
I know if I walk away, I don't look back.
See maybe that's what you need to keep in mind.
Either way you're a smart and beautiful girl. You will come out a shining star after all this. I just hope your kids will to and can still have a solid relationship with him.
You are one tough cookie my friend, just remind me never bet against you.
I don't feel tough, I feel untough... :confused:
Words are important, I have to think about the words.
Thank goodness break ups aren't often.
I will never break up again, after this. ;)
Sometimes it's the pressure of marriage that destroys the relationship.
I am very secure in my relationship with my boyfriend. We made a commitment to each other, we love each other dearly, and I already wear his ring. We both don't want to get married because there's really nothing it would do for us that we haven't already done. When I think of marriage, I panic. We both have a lifetime of properties and investment/retirement accounts that would all have to be changed to identify a change in status. At this point in my life, I don't want to deal with all that.
I suppose you pressured him to marry you because he had become a step-father to your children. Maybe his own family pressured him against marriage.
5 years was a long time, but better late than never to figure it out.
That's so true. The pressure of marriage destroys a relationship.
I guess for me its one of those statements that make you go hmm...
You sound like where he is, think of marriage and panic. We just aren't on the same page, I don't feel like my motives are poor for not wanting a marriage commitment. Sometimes I feel like it is a financial thing because he is very financially sound, where as I have been a single mother and although I don't bring debt forward, he is well into a solid nest egg. There is a level of commitment, very similar to marriage, I trust him completely, he is faithful to our relationship, we are great friends and companions, some communication is lacking but other communication is high.
I highly believe that his family had a huge influence until recently I have made huge strides to be accepted by his very devote nuclear Catholic family. His mother about eighteen months ago told him that she was concerned that I was a gold-digger... shortly after I moved in. :confused: :eek:
A gold digger? You dated some time before you moved in didn't you? That's poor judgement on her part. Maybe she is afraid of losing her little boy to another woman. Just stick with what your dreams are and don't look back.
Yeah, it was poor judgement, we had been together for about three years at that point. She said it because he had bought me a washer/dryer set, that I paid him back for at Christmas time, she had been with at the purchase. He set her straight, but he is a Momma's boy and I know her opinion is highly influential, but I think his Mom and I are pretty good now. I think she would be the most surprised by this.Quote:
Originally Posted by 88sunflower
Wow, I'm gone a few days and I miss this. I am so sorry to hear about this, you have so much on your plate but known that you are truly strong, true strength comes from within. You made a good choice as you saw no satisfying end to the relationship for you, so you did wha you had to. Keep your head up!
Thank you for posting on my similar situation, I've read your story, I think your really brave and I really respect you. I wish I had the same willpower. But I don't know if I could pick myself up after 9 years of investment. I find it difficult to understand how people can afford to break up. If we split I would have to find a horrid grotty flat and give up my car, and all the other little luxuries! How do people do it?
Good on you though justy x
Our stories are similar and I do alternate from weak to strong. I know I can do it alone, but wanting to is the more difficult part. I want to have that wand, the one little girls dream of that keeps all of the great qualities we love and we can keep our Prince Charming.
I know that I was frustrated to no end after three years and here I still am, hoping that whatever he can't legally commit to while emotionally and physically committing to will be fixed. Sooner or later, I will have to realize it's a false hope.
I can't even imagine nine years in the predicament, I don't have any more strength for bending and patience, but there is a lot to lose and I understand that weight as well. Sometimes I believe that I have to accept who he is because I dislike the alternative.
I am not sure if anybody asked you this yet since I haven't read all the thread, but why are YOU proposing to him? I mean if you want to marry him, ask him in the most romantic setting ever (with some erotism). It is old school to wait so that he can ask you to marry him.Quote:
Originally Posted by Justwantfair
I know his current concerns and I would hope that when he is ready he will do the proposing. It's his commitment to make, he is the one who isn't ready, my proposal wouldn't promote the result that I would want.Quote:
Originally Posted by paxe
I would have no hesitation proposing if I felt he was emotional ready.
Well in that case, talk to him. It may be silly, but to my mind, I'll make everything work before I would break with someone. I'll make sure that all options have been exhausted and talk and talk again and if then it doesn't work I would break up. You need to think rationally about your decisions. Ask him why he isn't ready? Is he afraid of commitment? Maybe if you really feel strongly about a weeding, hint to him that you are going to leave him.Quote:
Originally Posted by Justwantfair
Just checking in to see how things were going.
Hope your doing OK.
Still in limbo.
I think we are trying to work things out, but I don't know that it will give us any progress and I don't think that I am emotionally prepared to wait around on him any longer.
We had to register the kids for their new schools :( and we are waiting to see how court goes next Tuesday. Thankfully we don't have any real beef that we can't make it through this time.
Well I guess in a sense that's good. Its not worse. Not any better for you but it didn't get worse. It just sucks you have that lingering over your head you know. Have you been able to talk at all?Quote:
Originally Posted by Justwantfair
Yeah we have talked about the issues, last Sunday. He felt like I was short and hateful to him. We both feel unappreciated and not understood. Really we found some relationship issues that require both of us to work on. Not to say that I don't personally see the root problem, but he said he is not ready to marry.
::shrug:: It was a lot of stuff that should have been addressed prior. I told him we are fighting against his emotional wall and we can't get around it, he is guarded and although I know he lets me peek over, the wall is still there. We talked about everything going on with him and the kids and he seems to have adjusted well to being a FT step-father which is something that scared him for a long time and now it's us falling apart. :(
Go figure huh? He conquers one battle and is fighting another.
Well I was just wondering. You have been quiet. Wanted to make sure you were OK. I will listen any time. No matter how big or small.
Yeah, I will be back when something more definite occurs. Right now I feel like that back peddler. Five years is hard to walk away from when there is only one serious problem and I constinently walk back and forth on how important the one issue is v. everything great we have. :(
Definitely keep everyone posted.
UPDATE: Things had been going well, the custody battle had ended and it had weighed in my favor. Sunday I was caught for some playful banter that was inappropriate for someone who is in a relationship. Although there wasn't anything serious meant in the banter, I have hurt someone I love termendously with the action.
Although it is not determined if it was in anger yet, I have 'two weeks' to find a new place to stay and things have been horribly uncomfortable at home. I am treated as if I did cheat and being about as close to the scum of the Earth right now. I have apologized, which I sincerely mean, twice. I have never seen such a look of hatred from my partner. It has been less than 48 hours and I don't know if or how to fix this situation, although I really would like to.
Any suggestions?
Could you elaborate on what happened as regards the banter?has your partner been jealous before?and are there any other underlying issues for your partner at the moment?
It was playful, joking pertaining to a sexual nature, but it was in fun not serious. It was inappropriate for someone who is in a relationship, but my intent was not to disrespect him or our relationship. I have always been a flirt and I love talking about sex. I imagine it hurt my partner to read something flirty in nature with someone else. I am not saying that I am not in the wrong, I know that I am.
My partner has never been jealous before and I think that he did feel threatened, although it wasn't serious and my partner had no reason to believe that it might be.
I don't know about the underlying issues, we were having a decent day, I thought. It was my daughter's birthday party that day.
It could be that he has minded but not said anything before,maybe this latest was the straw that broke the camels back?you ve been together for a long time-couldnt you ask him to sit down and talk it through?calmly and sensibly?
Thus far, calm and civil, is far from where he is. He is at broading and angry. If he had minded I would have corrected the behavior, it's just in fun, but I would never intentionally want to hurt his feelings.
Let him cool off, and see if he wants to talk, a few days maybe, but if he is not wiling to work it out, take a long break from him.
That's when guys "go fishing" to chill and gain perspective.
Thanks Tal, I am trying to make things right. I know I was out of line. Last night we talked, he is still angry (he has had about 48 hours with the information). I know that he sees it as a serious betrayal, which was not my intention because it wasn't serious. He said that we will keep things civil but that I still need to move out. He is still forcing me to sleep on the couch, as in his words, I do not belong in his bed.
How long do I let him stew on this?
Could a flirty conversation necessitate a break-up?
I have offered for him to have every screen name and password to anything, he is allowed to check my phone whenever he would like. I have never felt like I had anything to hide from him and I still don't. I know that he isn't going to see the playfulness of the conversation, he is reading it the way it hurts him most, like it was a serious hook up arrangement.
Am I approaching him too early?
His deep anger makes me suspect that he has had issues around this for quite some time.if he s not ready to talk you can't force him.maybe you should ask yourself why you act the flirt? I d try one more discussion with him but if he s adamant he s not going to change his mind Id move out sooner rather than later however painful that would be.
He has insecurity issues.
I do not flirt with anyone that it would even be fiasable to have a relationship with. I flirt with people that I know are aware that it is only flirting and that I am not interesting in leading anyone on. I flirt because I am comfortable and I am open and I enjoy talking about sex.
I love my partner, if I ever knew how much something like this would hurt him, I would never have partcipated. My heart is with him. If I was guilty of something I would walk away and know that I failed the relationship, in a way, I have failed the relationship, but not in an unfixable manner.
If he feels betrayed that's the way he feels even though you didn't intend any betrayal.his insecurity issues would magnify his sense of betrayal.like I said before try talking to him one more time -if he s still angry and can't or won't change his mind you need to take charge of your situation and act.
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:51 AM. |