All due respect, but do yo actually think you can change him into what you want?? I think he has laid it out what he wants.
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All due respect, but do yo actually think you can change him into what you want?? I think he has laid it out what he wants.
Just be careful Starlite1. It would be horrible to have to start the NC process again. I know how it is to want an ex back in one's life. Twice in my life I have pined for 2 ex's for more than 10 years. I know that is extreme but I put my life on hold for those two women and to no avail. I will not do that again.
The more I read the comments by posts such as yourself Starlite1 and others the more confident I feel that I do not need my latest ex in my life. Granted I only feel that way sometimes but at least I am starting to feel that way.
Starlite1 you sound like a great person. I just hope you do not get hurt by this man anymore than already have been. Take care, F104.
I agree with TAL.Do you think you can change him into what you want?.
He doesn't see a need to change because he always gets what he wants from you regardles of his attitude or behavior, so why would he change?.
I still think you're better off w/out him.. I know for sure there's someone so much better out there that deserves your love..
Hi Chery,Quote:
Originally Posted by Chery
Thank you so much. That is a great idea. I will definatley let you guys know what I am thinking about wearing, and what I will say... I would love all of your feedback. Thank you with all of my heart.
Hi Tal,Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
It's not that I want to change him persay, I love who his (I know this sounds kind of contradictory), but I really want him to see what I said what I said, and why I broke up. Not that I want to punish him, not at all. But for him to recognize that his yo-yoing behavior really, really hurts, and has me nervous and feeling not very secure sometimes in the relationship. I want him to realize that relationships are not fantasies. For the most part, of course relationships have euphoric impacts, which is beautiful, but, there are ups and downs sometimes, or can be, and that they need to be worked out together, not run away. I hope I made sense with this ;)
Thank you F104. That means a lot to me :) I really hope this works out too, I don't want to hurt anymore...Quote:
Originally Posted by f104
Hi Damaged,Quote:
Originally Posted by damaged
Thank you so much, sweetie. I guess either I'm dedicated or stupid (or both).
No... not stupid.. You're just in love!. I understand really, I do... but sometimes you are too close to see things for what they are, so its always good an outsider's opinion.. we(outsiders) are less attached to the situation so sometimes we see clearer..
That is so true, my friend. I get so blind sometimes because of my love for him. I can't tell you enough how much I love all of you and appreciate all of your insight and support. You guys are truly the best!Quote:
Originally Posted by damaged
Ah starlite it's a two way street. Your advice and suggestions are really helpful.
Hi honey, just checking in..
How was your weekend?
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif
Hi Chery,Quote:
Originally Posted by Chery
You are a sweetheart, thank you so much. I was okay. I am feeling a bit down. I thought about him so much this weekend (and still am). I can't wait to see him in July, and I hope that when I talk with him when there it has a positive outcome. I know him very well, and I have a feeling that he is going to say 'I'll think about it' when I state that I would love to get back together. But, when I do talk with him, I am going to say that the reason why I broke it off and said that I couldn't marry him/move there, etc was because of cold feet and the fact that the yo-yoing in the past really hurt me so much that I don't want it to happen again. Of course I could move down there, marry him, etc, but he needs to understand that no relationships are perfect nor are people. I don't want to come off mean at all to him, and I didn't mean to hurt him or break his heart. I want him back so badly, but I want to know that in the relationship, down the road if issues arise, no matter how big or small, that we work on them together, and that his 'fantasy picture of the perfect relationship' doesn't cloud his vision and then he runs away (either emotionally or physically or both). But in the past when I try and get him back (and he was the one who broke up with me), I would talk to him, and I would get 'I'll think about it', then the answer was 'no' then months and months later, he comes back...
Any advise on how to get through to him?
Thank you my dear. And how are you feeling? How was your weekend? How is that sweet kitty cat of yours?
Hey...
Long time no see!. lol...
How's everyone doing??
How's everything star?
Hey Girl!
Nah, same ol, same ol. Still feeling kind of down... How are you? What did you do this weekend? How are you feeling?
Hey... same herre... same ol same ol.. this weekend I worked my butt off.. lol... Im feeling good!. Tired but w.e..
Good for you! I am glad you are feeling better :D I cannot get motivated at all today (typical Monday). I'm at work, and I doing what I need to do, but still :pQuote:
Originally Posted by damaged
Yea.. me 2... im half asleep.. hate coming to work on mondays... lol... they suck!
Oh Yeah, big time! LOL!Quote:
Originally Posted by damaged
Keep going Star, your doing well!
I think that you need to take time to work on yourself first. You sound insecure and relying on a man to fulfill your complete happiness is the wrong concept of marriage. Even when you are married, you need different identities. You said you are "pining" after him. Stop the pining, take control of your life and move on. A toxic relationship is not worth saving.
Hi Ways,Quote:
Originally Posted by waystogetexback
You are right. I do have insecurities. I have come along way over the years with them. It's not that I am relying on him for me to be happy. I didn't mean my post to come off that way. Because I love this man so much, and I love being with him as a couple, I really want things to work out between us. Granted, we both have our quirks, but that doesn't mean we cannot work through it, and that is what I would like him to see.
Thank you JPM, I am sure trying, it is really difficult at times though. :(Quote:
Originally Posted by jpm247
My weekend was great, thanks. I gave Alexander his toys that I finally got assembled. A bike, trike and rocking horse... so we had a lot to do. The night before, I was actually out with other people from 7 PM to 5:30AM - boy was that exhausting but fun too - a B-day party.Quote:
Originally Posted by starlite1
How to get through to him?. tell him exactly what you've been telling us here - that you got cold feet and that you hope he does not expect total perfection. It's better than staying in the gray zone for the rest of your life, and who knows, he might understand and all will be fine. If not, then you can at least stop the 'what if' in your life and move on the 'from now on' stage. Fear of the unknown causes stress, so you need to make a choice and move on it.
Good luck dear. You still have a while to psych yourself up no matter what his answer.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif
Congratulations! You should be throwing yourself a party. Think of the time, energy and youth you AREN'T going to waste on this guy.
I read through your long speech and noticed you don't have a very good opinion of yourself, and that transfers to what other people think of you, and the type of people that are attracted to you.
If you think you are a victim, you are. If you think you are a victim, other people think so too. And some of those other people prey on victims. Kind of like energy-vampires. They will suck you dry.
Get some counseling, you don't respect yourself and you let other people disrespect you. Ask yourself why you would even want to be with this jerk?? Why? Are you so desperate to be with someone that you would disrespect yourself enough to want him?
Learn to like being with yourself, doing things with yourself before you try dating again. It is a process, but it's the only way to happiness
Hi Chery,Quote:
Originally Posted by Chery
That is awesome! I am glad you had fun :) . And I am so glad that Alexander liked his toys. He must have been so excited!
Thank you so much for your kindness and advise Chery. I will absolutely be totally upfront with him and hopefully he will understand and want to really work this out.
Thank you again! :)
Hi Frustrated,Quote:
Originally Posted by frustrated step
Thank you so much and you are right. I have a very low self esteem. I have been to many counselors and they have helped to a certain degree, but honestly? What is helping me most is when I found this site. All of you are so wonderful, and you have been so supportive. Thank you!
As for me and my ex, yes, he can be a bit of a jerk. That is why I stepped up this time and said what I said. I really hope it will sink in, but I know that I need to be happy with myself, otherwise any relationship could crumble, and then where am I? I need to be happy no matter what happens. Thank you!
Hi Everyone,
Well, by now you I'm sure you all know me and my whole situation with my ex. My original post is here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ce-220361.html
Well, I have decided to go to Georgia to visit him and go the concert in July. We talked last week (not about us persay) but just idle chit chat and it was nice.
When I get there in July, of course I want to talk with him and ask him if we can get back together, but in the same conversation, I want to explain to him why I froze and broke up with him (because of his yo-yoing in the past, etc). I want to express myself to him that won't scare him off, but by the same token, I want to let him know that I do want to be in a committed relationship with him, like we planned before I broke up (move there, get married, children, etc). But, a week after the breakup, (the weekend we were supposed to go to Las Vegas), we talked and he said he wants to be friends, and he loves me and always will. I told him "You've always had my friendship baby, and you always will. I love you too". Well, don't get me wrong here, I do love being friends with him, of course, but I want to be more (of course :p ). I know he loves me, but he said that he loves all of his friends, male and female, which is great. But, I want to be loved by him more than that...
Okay, fast forward a month, last week to be exact - we spoke on the phone, and when we ended the conversation, he said 'I love you, and I said I love you, back, and we both blew each other a kiss. Of course I melted, and was so happy, which I still am.
I ask all of you, when I get down there in a few weeks, how do I handle things, how do I talk to him about 'us' again? I'm sure he is still hurt about what happened, and I truly didn't want to do that, but I felt I had too at that juncture. How do I get through to him, and hopefully get him back at the same time? (I don't want to change him, I want him to realize and hopefully get why I did what I did, and would love him to be on board with us). Also, do you think he still loves me more than friends (as someone he still would want to spend his life with), or only as friends?
Thanks guys.
Karen
Hi Liz,Quote:
Originally Posted by liz28
Thank you so much. I am so happy for you and your boyfriend. I think it is great that you are both going to a counselor as well. I wish you all the best. :)
Hi Guys,
I started another topic for this particular situation, but something is wrong with it. I received on answer so far, but it isn't showing the poster's original answer, just my response. So I am adding on this this one. I'm sorry to be so redundant.
Well, I have decided to go to Georgia to visit him and go the concert in July. We talked last week (not about us persay) but just idle chit chat and it was nice.
When I get there in July, of course I want to talk with him and ask him if we can get back together, but in the same conversation, I want to explain to him why I froze and broke up with him (because of his yo-yoing in the past, etc). I want to express myself to him that won't scare him off, but by the same token, I want to let him know that I do want to be in a committed relationship with him, like we planned before I broke up (move there, get married, children, etc). But, a week after the breakup, (the weekend we were supposed to go to Las Vegas), we talked and he said he wants to be friends, and he loves me and always will. I told him "You've always had my friendship baby, and you always will. I love you too". Well, don't get me wrong here, I do love being friends with him, of course, but I want to be more (of course ). I know he loves me, but he said that he loves all of his friends, male and female, which is great. But, I want to be loved by him more than that...
Okay, fast forward a month, last week to be exact - we spoke on the phone, and when we ended the conversation, he said 'I love you, and I said I love you, back, and we both blew each other a kiss. Of course I melted, and was so happy, which I still am.
I ask all of you, when I get down there in a few weeks, how do I handle things, how do I talk to him about 'us' again? I'm sure he is still hurt about what happened, and I truly didn't want to do that, but I felt I had too at that juncture. How do I get through to him, and hopefully get him back at the same time? (I don't want to change him, I want him to realize and hopefully get why I did what I did, and would love him to be on board with us). Also, do you think he still loves me more than friends (as someone he still would want to spend his life with), or only as friends?
Thanks guys.
Karen
I have found in my experience that counselors don't really work that well for me. What people are basically paying for I think is to be able to vent for 45 min about yourself in a non-judgmental environment. You feel better shortly thereafter, but then later that evening, you feel the same. For dealing with short term problems, maybe something like this message board is probably better, I don't know.Quote:
Originally Posted by starlite1
I'm want to ask you, because I read this entire post and should have before answering your other question, do you truly want to be with this guy or is it because you don't want to start over? Just curious, if it sounds rude or harsh, it was not intended to be that way.
Hi Liz,Quote:
Originally Posted by liz28
You are not being rude at all :). In fact that is an excellent question! I don't mind starting over with someone, the fact is, I don't want to. I really want him. Between our breakups in the past (not this most recent one), I have dated a few people who were really nice, but they weren't my ex. I can't explain it. I just really love this man.
Make sure that he's willing to make some changes too and not only you. To see everything clearer make a pro and con list and if your do get back together work on the things that needs improvement. It might take time and start over. Just consider all your options and if your get back and there no change leave permanently. Make sure he's really what you want because people can change or not change.
I reposted the my reply to this question:
Guess to put your mind at ease you need explain everything you stated above and be open for any ending. It seems like he' interested in being more than friends but only he knows that. He might be cautious because of how things ended but you never know so I'l express my feelings toward him.
Me and my ex got back together but broke up mainly due to his insecurities that he now seeking help for and we both are seeing a relationship counselor, which all my friends thought was stupid, but it really helped us a lot.
I hope everything work out for you and you get the outcome you want. If your do get back together take things slow, but at a reasonable paste. He might have a lot of question/worries about you so be ready to answer anything. Only two things could happen your get back together or remains friends.
Good Luck!
Make sure you explain all your expectations, and care enough about yourself, as you do him. His pain is no more important than yours. If he is not willing to communicate, and work with you on this relationship, then he doesn't want it as much as you do. Make a good decision for yourself, and your future, and know there are no easy quick fixes, but there is your own happiness, with or without him.
Also know we are 100% behind you no matter the outcome. Best of luck!
Hi Tal,Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Thank you so much for your kindness and support. I really hope the outcome is positive. I know because of the past behavior, it doesn't sound like the most attractive relationship, but I know, and I do have faith that we can work things out, and have a happy life together. I hope that I am not the only one in this relationship that sees/feels this. That is my fear, that he might not see that as I do.
All the best Starlite I hope it works out for you.
Hi F104,Quote:
Originally Posted by f104
Thank you so much. I really hope so too! I hope he is receptive, and wants to really work things out.
There are no guarantees in life honey. We can only do our best to work for our happiness and partnerships.
Do continue to be honest with yourself and up-front with him. What his response will be is in his control only, depending on how he feels. Either way, you need reassurance one way or the other and your plan is as good as what anyone else would suggest.
As Talaniman said, you know we will be here for you 100% - you have to do all the work though.
Good luck, and enjoy the concert and the company.
We all have fears to face up to for peace of mind - that's life. You'll do just fine.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif
Hi Chery,Quote:
Originally Posted by Chery
Thank you so much. You are all so wonderful, and you are right. I just have to be up front, honest, and let him know how I feel about him, us, my needs, his needs, and hopefully he will be open and receptive. I will keep you all updated. Thank you all for always being there for me :) I wish there was a magic phrase (in addition to my honestly and love) that would help. But, of course there isn't LOL! I just have to trust my heart, our love, God and universe that everything will work out.
Hi Guys,
I really would like to send him a text today, but I don't want to come off too needy, or pushy. Just to let him know that I can't wait to see him, I can't wait for the concert, and I am thinking of him. (Being that you have read my posts and see how he is, how should I best word this).
Any ideas would be so appreciative.
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