Biggie, you can't help but be concerned about her, and it's admirable that you don't want her to feel guilty, but, the more you write back the guiltier she'll feel. I know that sounds strange, but it's true. She writes to see how you are, you respond, she thinks, oh, he still needs me, he still cares, oh that's so sad and it's my fault that he's hurting, got to fix it, send another email, etc. etc. it's a vicious circle. NC, it will take a while before she realizes that you are okay and are living your life, but she will get it eventually, although she'll probably never give up hope that you can still be friends. :)

Women, they're confusing aren't they? ;)

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

although she'll probably never give up hope that you can still be friends. :)

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Good, I think I'd like that, but I'd also like to not care :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

Women, they're confusing aren't they? ;)

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Hell, who needs them.

You just need yourself for now - get big bird back, that's what I've been trying to do, getting me back. I gave a shed load away to my ex, nearly forgot who I was.

Well, men need them, obviously, otherwise you wouldn't care as much as you do. ;)

You'll be fine, even though it might not feel like that right now. Take it from someone who's been in allot of relationships, some good, some bad, some downright criminal, the right girl for you is out there, you'll meet her some day, then you'll forget all about the ex.

Now, your opinion on women probably won't change, we are confusing to you poor men, as you men are to us, but that's what makes it interesting, normal is boring, a bit of spice never hurt anyone. :)

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

then you'll forget all about the ex.

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Do you really, truly forget about them?. I guess you will always remember right?. but do you get to the point when they don't matter any more?. and does it necesseraly take another person to make you forget the ex? :confused:

It's so depressing:(

You don't ever totally forget, but you do move on, and one day, when you remember the ex, you'll smile instead of cry, unless that's all you did when you were in the relationship.

Do you get to the point when they don't matter anymore? Depends on the kind of relationship you had, and no, it doesn't take another person to make you forget the ex, it takes time, and strength, your own personal growth and getting back "yourself". You have to learn to stand on your own before you can fully commit to another person.

It is sad, it is depressing, I remember many times crying myself to sleep because of a broken heart, it took time to heal, I swore I'd never give anyone a chance to do it again, and then months later I'd meet someone new and would forget all about the heartache. It's allot like giving birth. When you're in labor it hurts like hell, you scream and cry, threaten your husband with "Don't you ever touch me again!" and swear that if the doctor gets "it" out you'll never have another. The baby is born, you hold it in your arms, turn to hubby and say "when do you want to try for another?" Human beings are amazing, we can be in tremendous pain, pain that seems to last forever, but eventually we forget and do it all over again.

Unlike birth though, in relationships you have the chance to find someone who won't end up causing you pain, and that's when you forget everything that happened before. I promise you. :)

Work on yourself, stand on your own. Love will find you, most times when you aren't looking for it. :)

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

Human beings are amazing, we can be in tremendous pain, pain that seems to last forever, but eventually we forget and do it all over again.

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Amazing... or insane :rolleyes: :p

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Originally Posted by bigbird213

Amazing...... or insane :rolleyes: :p

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Have to be a bit of both to make it in this world. :)

I can't wait for the day it doesn't bother me any more.. I don't really care if I find somebody new, I just want to get to the point where I don't think about him, and if I do, then it doesn't hurt or mean anything..

Life is hard, love is hard, loss of love is the hardest. Remember, whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger! :)

That's true!

Big Bird! Clear your messages!! It's not letting me send you one because your inbox is too full!

Big -

I'm glad to see you didn't respond yet. I understand you not wanting her to feel bad/guilty but your actions should not be dictated by her feelings. Think of it this way:

When she broke up with you she didn't want to make you feel bad. That was probably the last thing she wanted to do was hurt you. But you hurt anyway. But she did it because she thought it was the right thing for her. She put her needs before yours.

You not responding to her e-mail is not because you want to make her feel bad or guilty or hurt. While she may feel that way (or who knows, she may not even be thinking about it at all). You not responding is because its prob what's best for you. Its putting your needs before hers. Its not selfish. Its not childish. Its not your proactively trying to hurt her. Its just doing what you need to do for yourself.

You've been really strong lately. You don't want to blow that.

The great thing about NC is that it gives you the ability to feel like the break-up happened sooo long ago. Its only been 2 months for me, and with NC its starting to feel like a lifetime ago. However, every time an ex makes contact it somehow magically has the ability to remind you, "god, i guess it really hasn't been that long".

Personally, while I'm feeling A LOT better lately, I know I'm NOT strong enough yet to have any contact with my ex. But I am strong enough to have NO contact with my ex.

Its funny,

I was thinking about being friends with my ex and the future of what is going to happen between us. I remember distinctly thinking in my head that:

"I can be friends with her. I have no problem talking to her unless... "

And that's when I realized what I need to be able to accomplish before I can be friends wit her, or start routine contact.

A question I had, for anyone who has pretty much gone through to the otherside and started contact is: Does it truly get to the point where you can talk to her him/her and if you hear about them going out, having fun, or (gulp) liking someone, it truly doesn't bother you AT ALL?

Seems to me like that wouldn't ever happen, it would just be a temporary hiccup that you need to decide if you want to put up with.

Bigbird, I did that in the first 2 weeks after my break up. After I found out my ex was dating after 2 days, I played it calm to her and decided to be her friend. But then the thoughts came into my mind of her sleeping over, him touching her body and vice versa and it destroyed me. After that I decided to go NC and move on.

I couldn't put up with it, maybe you can.

Its my opinion, that most people who move on, and live there life, often meet new people, and get distracted from the thought of keeping exes as friends.

When the healing is almost complete it only natural to feel attractions and get interested in new love interests. Happens all the time. And to be honest, usually you can tell where people are in there healing by what they do with themselves.

So don't try to say you've healed, and are ready for friendship, is it okay to call and be friends with the ex?

That doesn't work people. Wonder why?

Spion,

I wasn't insinuating that I was going to try to do that lol. Thanks for the concern though, I know I'm far from it, if ever. I was just simply thinking about the idea of it in general, and what it would take. Doing a little reflecting I guess.

Tal,

I think your right that most people get distracted and their minds taken off the idea of friendship before it can happen. It is obvious that rushing something such as that can destroy a person and start the healing from square one. Its sad to see it happen, and the thought of that pain is enough to dissuade me from even trying.

So I'm pretty much feeling like I did before the weekend.

I was worried that I was basically back at square one, but that wasn't the case. It took two days or so, but I feel like I'm just where I was before anything happened - feeling pretty good. Trying to go out often like before etc... I'm a little bothered because when we go out there aren't many ladies to meet, but hey at least I'm out.

When I check my email now, I think about the email that she sent, and I worry about her being upset sometimes still. I have had thoughts of replying, but haven't. Perhaps someday I will. It would just be nice to be able to say "Hi, No hard feelings, but I can't talk to you for at least a few more months" without having to worry about the implications.

Overall, feeling better.

Bigbird: what I've recently realized is that you have to stop thinking about getting girls when you go out. Go out with the attitude, "Whatever happens, happens." Just go out with your buddies to have a good time. I've noticed that after a week of going out and not meeting any girls, that my entire approach is wrong.

Other than that, glad you're feeling better

Sneezy,

I know I put pressure on myself and I think it's because I just get worried about it. I have been just trying to go out and not care about what happens as long as I'm out with my buddies. Sometimes I almost feel like I have to force myself to go out and meet people just so I can prove I can still do it.

Thanks for the response :)

I know what you mean BB. Sneeze is right though. Forget about trying to meet girls, it'll happen naturally in time. That's how I try to go about it. Not easy, but part of getting out of the mess of a breakup.

I made another realization today...

I noticed that sometimes I still think about the email and want to respond, or worry about not responding. What I realized is that I only do this when I'm missing her...

So I pretty much think its just my heart "grasping at straws" because it is losing this battle to my brain :) Confirms that not sending it is the right thing to do, as I only want to when I'm emotional -- the worst time to do it.

BB, to answer your question. Yes, you do get to a point where you can be friends with your ex. My ex tries to convince me she's happy with her current boyfriend constantly telling me she's happy but misses me blah blah blah... I just laugh it off, I'm still going through the process of letting her come to me and text me. I make NO effort at all, yet I get texts all the time that she's confused and worried things will go back to how they were.

But, yes you get to a point where it doesn't hurt at all to know she is with someone else

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

But, yes you get to a point where it doesn't hurt at all to know she is with someone else

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That's awesome!. can't wait 4 that day!! :p

Hey all,

Been a while since I posted an update about how I am feeling, so here goes. The last two weeks or so have been pretty damn good. I have been thinking about her a little bit, like usual, but it passes pretty quickly and I don't really get upset. I can even find myself thinking about who she might be with or what she is doing, but I can push those thoughts right out of my mind now. It's a great ability, let me tell you :)

One thing I did notice is that if I go out and drink a bit, I always wakeup in a little bit of a down mood. Something about it makes me think of her, so I think I'll stop doing that for a little while, or at least keep it real light. But other than that, I have been feeling pretty damn great!

I do have a question for you guys. Considering how I have been feeling lately, and the control that I have been able to keep over my emotions, I have been considering sending her a birthday card for her birthday in 9 days. As far as the details, it would be either a plain card or a 'funny' card as that has always been my demeanor (funny). Inside, I wouldn't write much, probably a "Happy Birthday, Hope all is well."

I would have no intentions in mind aside from extending a friendly gesture. I don't want to start communication, a thank you from her wouldn't bother me, but I wouldn't start talking regularly. I just thought it would be a nice gesture. What do you guys think?

FYI I never responded to the email that she sent me two weeks ago and it hasn't bothered at all since the first day or so afterward. Also, I am approaching 60 days no contact (an estimate)...

Biggie, harsh Alty time, get ready. By sending her a birthday card you are opening the lines of communication. You aren't responding to her, and then you send her a card, mixed message honey. Stick to NC, and that means No Contact of any kind, even a card.

Honey you will only end up hurting yourself if you do this. What do you hope to accomplish by sending a card? Be honest with yourself.

You know I adore you, sorry if I'm being harsh, sometimes you need a splash of cold water, that's what I'm trying to do. :)

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

What do you hope to accomplish by sending a card? Be honest with yourself.

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I don't really know why I want to, it just feels like something I should do. I guess that's a good reason to think a little more about it. Thanks for the input though, I really appreciate it. Can't really give you a good reason why, but I guess I'm just still trying to be the nice guy?

:rolleyes:

Eeek, do I say it. Honey, nice guy's finish last, and get stomped on. Should you stop being a nice guy? No, but stop trying to be nice to her. It's over, NC, really, I've got your best interests at heart. I'm not a guy, but I have been through the whole "breakup" thing, and I do remember vividly how much I longed to make contact, a simple phone call, or a card, hoping that would stir things up again. I didn't admit it to myself, and sadly I didn't have a place like AMHD to turn to, had to figure things out on my own, the hard way. Take our experiences and use them Biggie, learn from our mistakes and save yourself some heartache, not all, but some.

Easy for me to say, right? But really, been there, done that, cryed and screamed. You are doing really well with NC, stick to it 100%, or do you want to go back to square one?

Once again, sorry if I sound harsh, but I really just want to save you some pain and heartache, I hope you know that. :)

No no, not harsh. I knew what kind of response I was going to get before I even posted this lol.

I'm not saying that I'm going to do it, not at all, I just honestly don't feel that I am trying to stir things up. I guess it's a risk I would take, but really it isn't what I want. I don't think I'm in denial, so that isn't it. Haha.

Thanks for the cold water Alty, I won't send it because I have actually worried a little about her birthday (21st) even though she didn't drink when she was with me. I don't want to know what she has planned, and the card might be the line for me to find out. If for no other reason, that's why I won't send it.

See, I'm not THAT stupid :D

I know you aren't stupid honey, exactly the opposite. :)

I'm glad you decided to stick to NC, really it will get easier, even though it doesn't seem like it at times. Just stick it out, you won't regret it. I'm glad that you are on AMHD asking for advice, it's a great place to help you through this, with great people, and great advice. Just remember, we are all here to back you up. When you feel a weak moment coming on, post it, and we'll talk you through (or out) of it. :)

And read my signature, because it's very true, the first one applies to you. :)

Sweet deal bird,

Glad to hear you decided against it. That nice guy syndrome can really get us in trouble. I opted against sending my ex that congrats on graduating message. I have decided to look at it like this, we are nice guys (my screen name says it so it must be true)... When they were our girlfriends they got the "privilege" of getting our nice guy treatment, and we did our best to make them feel as special and loved as possible, but if they don't want us any longer than they lose all the things that came with us. They are not going to get those little things from us that make them feel good any longer... that's reserved for our future girls, where ever they may be.

NNG,

That's a good way to look at it. Never really thought of it that way, but I like the way that sounds. I tried my best, it wasn't good enough - adios!

I'll keep that in mind for a while now, thanks for the extra mental ammo haha.

Future girls - here I come.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bigbird213

NNG,

Thats a good way to look at it. Never really thought of it that way, but I like the way that sounds. I tried my best, it wasn't good enough - adios!

I'll keep that in mind for a while now, thanks for the extra mental ammo haha.

Future girls - here I come.

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Look out future girls, Biggie's on the prowl. :D :p :) :eek:

To Bigbird those things that you asked if that seemed like she was telling the truth about why she wanted a break or was it a load of crap? Only my guess--but I think it's she's telling the truth. Don't know how to fix that though. Sounds like she's afraid of losing herself or her independence. Could be she's not had many people she can count on? Good luck.

Whew, I was wondering if you would think through your emotions or not. Leave her business alone, and handle your own is the path to stay on.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Whew, I was wondering if you would think thru your emotions or not. Leave her business alone, and handle your own is the path to stay on.

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Sorry to scare you :)

How is everyone doing?

I thought I would post an update - just to keep everything together and sort of use this as a diary for my feelings as time goes on.

Lately I have been feeling pretty good. Obviously I still think about her, but that's to be expected as it has only been 2 months. Hardly do I have down moments anymore, more like moments of quiet reflection that I can snap out of very quickly. The one exception was last night, which really didn't bother me much...

I found out from a friend that his sister's friend was having a party. This friend is also a friend of my ex. It got me thinking about her going to the party, what she would be doing, who she would be with, etc, etc, etc. The slippery slope, you know?

In any case, I have finally developed the control to say:

1) I have no idea if she is going, or if she still talks to this girl.
2) She hates partying (last I knew).
3) She isn't stupid/a slut/immature/one for making bad choices.
4) It doesn't matter, I have been going to parties, why not her?

So in the end, I told myself to man up and get over it, and I did. It was a good feeling. I think I am definitely making some great progress as time goes on.

Her birthday still looms on my mind a little, as it is on Monday, but I think I can make it through that pretty well. Just another day, like any other.

I also think there is some truth to Chuff's statement about there being "people out there, you just can't see them" or something along those lines. A friend of a friend has already made it known that she wants to meet me, so that made me feel good too.

All in all, I'd say I'm doing pretty well. Just letting the time pass and enjoying being able to spend as much time doing whatever I want :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy

sweet deal bird,

glad to hear you decided against it. That nice guy syndrome can really get us in trouble. I opted against sending my ex that congrats on graduating message. I have decided to look at it like this, we are nice guys (my screen name says it so it must be true)... When they were our girlfriends they got the "privilege" of getting our nice guy treatment, and we did our best to make them feel as special and loved as possible, but if they don't want us any longer than they lose all the things that came with us. They are not going to get those little things from us that make them feel good any longer... thats reserved for our future girls, where ever they may be.

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Awesome I like that NNG.

A quickie:

Just got back from a weekend trip with my friends. It was pretty fun, though I'm exhausted now at work. Got to hang out with my friend who I haven't seen in a while as he is out of state for the summer, but it was fun. Tough going back to work now :(

I could talk about how I feel about my ex right now, but that won't help me get it out of my head :) Here's a more interesting topic to talk about... Last Friday I got a text from her step sister asking me if I wanted to go to the bar with her, then I was texted many more times about when I was coming and 'yelled at' (jokingly) for not going. Made me wonder a little bit because It would be pretty awkward if she was trying to hit on me.. Probably a situation I should stay away from, but she has been talking to me more lately than previously...

:eek:

Hi BigBird,

I think that is a good thing that you didn't go. I mean, she could have just wanted to meet up as friends, but honestly, if while you were dating your ex, you never hung out with here sister then, I would say she may be a tad interested. You handled that great!

I'm glad you are feeling better too! Your strength is excellent, and something that I hope to have as each day passes.