I don't know where to look. And I don't know what finding yourself means... I hear it and have no idea what it means. I know who I am, faults and all... how does one lose themselves to begin with?
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I don't know where to look. And I don't know what finding yourself means... I hear it and have no idea what it means. I know who I am, faults and all... how does one lose themselves to begin with?
You lose yourself by wrapping so much of yourself, into someone else. When they leave, there seems to be nothing left. You made her your life, instead of part of it. That's what you need to address at this time. Filling that hole in your soul, now that she is gone. You do that, by getting a life that you enjoy without her in it, and learn to love yourself, and be happy with who you are. Simple, but requires a lot of work, so quit crying, and get busy getting your life back! That's up to you and the sooner you let it go, and love yourself, the better you will feel. If you had been a little less in love with her, and more in love with you, you would have seen this coming, and wouldn't be in the shock you are now. Get busy.Quote:
Originally Posted by SJB1701E
then look at your life look for tomorrow, look at today forget the past buddy... trust me I was in the same state you are in right fukin now and... I made goals for myself... not going to let that cu^t bring you down, your better than her and I know your better that that... your going to miss her... hell I still miss my ex... but its not up to you to bring her back its up to her and if she doesn't want to be with you then then she's not the girl for you... would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?? All you need is time bro... time is you enemy now use it as your advantage... I know how you feel I'm going through the same thing... I know you think "i dident give all my love for this bul feeling" but what can you do... thats life.. up and downs, downs and ups... its how you deal with the downs that get you through this life...
I understand your hurt Carib, but language buddy ha ha... I agree with your post SJB, the late 20 early 21 age range is spot on. Me and my ex were great together, everyone saw marriage in our future.. The "perfect couple" is what we were always told. But there were other plans, she used the excuse I was too jealous, so I went out and got help, but then got the "I just need to be alone with my friends, I don't want to date anyone else" and now she's dating some of guy. But what will be, will be. Our whole life is already planned out for us, we have no say in the matter. You could have stopped talking to her on day 1 and it would have made no difference at all. She is trying to lift the guilt of her shoulders by saying "if you didn't do this, I would have come back" BULL! Sure you feel like hell now, but soon you look back and realize what an idiot you were for acting like this, sure it's understandable to be hurt over a broken heart. I'm still hurting over it and it's been 2 months. I'm sure Confused is in my same boat, we still hurt but it is starting to get better with each passing day. If you need to find comfort in anything, find comfort in yourself. No girl is going to want to date a guy who can't stand on his own two feet, we as males(sorry ladies) are always looked as the strong one. So take this time, mourn the loss of your love and remember this, if it's meant to be, god will find a way to bring it back. If it wasn't meant to be, god will send you someone even better. Here's a great quote for you that gets me by every day
"God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight"
I'm still me with her or with out her. I didn't lose myself. I just had no other sources of joy in my life. She made the bad parts bearable. Now with out her, I'm seeing what I have been trying to ignore for the past 9 months. I hate my career and I can't do anything about it. I don't want to do what I went to school for the past 3 years learning to do. I'm massively in debt. I hate what I'm studying in school but am 3 quarters from graduation. I hate my job. I get no gratification in my life. I know its not a relationship question, but what can I do? I hate my life. I've every part of my life except her. What can I do? I feel like I'm living a meaningless existence and I Don't MEAN BECAUSE SHE LEFT. My professional life is meaningless to me. I don't know what to do. What can I do?
Very sorry if I offended anyone with my obscenities... I was in the state SJB is in not even a week ago and it hurt a lot.. it still does... I was just trying to say him what I wished someone would have said to me... sorry again
No worries Carib... I just thought maybe some women would take offense to it. But of course, everyone of us thinks their ex is certain things. Even if they don't want to admit it, because ask Tal.. When I first came on here, I was "it's all my fault, my ex was perfect" and now looking back at some of those posts, oh how stupid I feel. She had just as many faults.
Also SJB, never regret something that once made you happy. Sure, she may have left you in this state of disarray and sadness but seriously, it's not the end of the world. You want to get even with her? Become a better person and show her you are better off without her.
Learn the lessons before you. Just as intense feeling of rejection, can make you doubt yourself, and the whole world, so to can intense feeling of attraction, hide the truth about your partners, and that is why taking it very slow and getting to really know someone, is the way to go. After a break up, quick, clean, and complete to let it go, works best.
I am attempting to get ahold of an old friend for help. She goes to a church I have been interrested in attending and I think a little faith and reconnection with the lord is just what I need. I'm really just interrested in havig a friend to go with and support me and maybe help me find my way back to the love of God. I cannot heal my soul alone, but through God all things are possible. With Him and the support of my friend, other friends, and family can start on the road to recovery.
God I am so SICK of this... I spent over 70 hours with only 4 hours of sleep spread out over it due to a combination of not being able to sleep because of her, having school projects I couldn't focus on that I waited on till the last minute cause of thinking about her, and having to go to school and work. Well I called into work cause I was exhausted. I took a sleeping pill thinking That would assure me that I wouldn't wake up till at least my body was rested. I crashed. Well I went to bed a little after 10pm and just woke up unable to sleep thinking and dreaming of her at 3:40am... I was up over 70 hours with almost no sleep and I take a sleeping pill and I still can't get a fell nights rest.
Yo SJB look at what your doing to yourself... I too have experienced the can't sleep thinking about her bul!crap, but sleeping pills is not the answer... you can get hooked to that man... you got to clear your head go for a walk, for a drive... when I can't sleep I just hit the gym for like 2 hrs or so, work out till I can't anymore till my body pains so I concentrate less on my heart pains or I play the ps3 my ex bought me for Christmas anything to keep my mind off her... I know its hard but in 2 weeks I guarantee u'll still pain but not as much as before. Nothing but time mang!
Don't worry Carib I'm not taking them every night and my doctor says they're nonaddictive. Just took it last night needing one good nights rest. Couldn't even get that...Quote:
Originally Posted by CaribMan
Take their advice, SJ, a good strenuous exercise session, and a hot shower and two aspirin is all you need, and you will sleep like a baby. IT WORKS!! Years ago cycling, and pick up basketball, saved my sanity, and got me through a break up of a 3 year relationship, that I thought would last forever.
Well I have arranged to go to church with my friend and her boyfriend this Sunday. She's going to show me where it is and show me what the place is like. I'll probably start going regularly by myself if I feel a connection to it. I am going to start seeing a Christian therapist this weekend to help me deal with this and my other emotional problems such as dissatisfaction with my career and my overall depression that I've had for over 10 years solid. I know my depression, though not always on the surface, has contributed to almost every relationship failure I've had. This one's hitting me the hardest.
Today I wrote a goodbye letter to my ex. Not a begging to please be with me letter. Not a "this is what happened and here's how we can fix it" letter. Not a false hope letter (ok that's a bit of a lie). Just a letter telling her what I've seen in her. That I can tell she has a void in her where she doesn't love herself. She hates herself, has low self esteem, and doesn't know how beautiful she is. I told her that she tried to fill the void up with me, but that's not my place to fill. I told her she's going to try and fill it with partying, but in the end that won't either. I told her the only place she can look is in herself when she was ready. I told her that just like she was with me, it won't matter how great a relationship is, if she doesn't love herself she'll never be happy with anyone. I am still trying to convince myself to take that advice. I then gave a long talk about fate and God's plan and told her that there was nothing I could have done, even if I was perfect to prevent her from feeling this at this point in her life. Told her I I had already tried to fill my own void with partying and drinking before I even met her and that I only came out feeling more empty. Told her this is something she will only find out by experiencing it. Then built myself up with a few false hopes that will fade in time by saying that we have no idea what the plan is for each of us and that we might even be guided back together again after we both grow up some and learn to love ourselves. I told her I wouldn't keep in touch with her but if in the future her heart tells her to contact me to not be afraid. I know this is one of those mistakes that will hurt me more while I heal, but I will heal none the less guys. For a time, I'll be expecting her to come back, but I'll eventually give up on that I know. I told her I wasn't going to wait around for her, but then again I don't know where I'll be in my life. Anyway, I told her Goodbye. Not see you later. Not hope to see you again. I told her goodbye. I'm giving her the letter in the small box of stuff I'm giving back to her. I probably won't hear a response to it, but at least I feel better getting it all out of my head and onto paper. I slept a good 5 hours almost peacefully after writing it then had to get up for work. This Friday is goodbye for good I know, but I'm still going to hold on to misguided hope for a while until I heal more. I'm not looking forward to it, because I will have nothing left to hold on to after. I can't wait for it so that I can put it behind me and start healing. Even if she doesn't read the letter at least I got it out of my head. Even if she does read it, it won't be the magic words that will undo all this, but at least its not stewing in my head. It'll most likely be the last thing I ever say to her and I'm actually glad that I'm being nice in my final words to her.
Guys I'm just so afraid of what comes next. Of being alone. Of not being with her. We weren't perfect, you could sell tickets to our fights, but we spent most of our time being happy with each other. I have such a hard time grasping that this could happen. I'm scared of what comes next. I'm afraid of not eventually finding someone. I don't want to be alone. If I knew the magic words to make her come back I would. There are no magic words though. I'm scared of what comes next. I'm scared and I dread life after her. I have no choice. But I'm scared to death. For the first time in my life I have fallen and don't have anyone to help me stand back up. I'm afraid.
I'm actually in high spirts at the moment. I decided not to give her the letter. It could only do more harm than good. (It was 7 Freakin Pages Long!! ) It was good for me to write it out and get it out of my head though. I'm trusting the Lord right now. No matter what happens I'm trusting Him. I'm praying to Him truly for the first time in this. And I feel better today. I was even laughing with one of my friends. I had a deep talk to a close friend at work and I decided the best way to attempt to salvage things and also more importantly came to peace with God and turned to Him to give me the strength patience and peace I will need to get through no matter what the outcome. I have accepted that even if she does not end up in my life God knows what's best for me and will guide me on the path to happiness. Also, today I feel a little more at peace with myself.
Don't worry bud... DONT BE AFRAID!. I bet you were alone before you met her and I bet you were fine being alone... you say your going to go to church, then you will always have God at your side no matter how lonely you are he's always be with you... you just have to get good at being alone make time to do stuff when you have nothing to do... re watch favorite movie re read favorite book or get new books watever just fill your day with plans... make plans for yourself say today I'm going to do this tomorrow I'm going to do that... think about yourself not her... if you have to think, think about you future goals... I bet you have some... mine is to pay off school loans and save then go back to school to do a course I really want to do... right now that all I think about... I still think about being alone and being without her, but you have to realize all that you can count on in life is yourself... work on being a better person... that what trying to do now... its going to be hard for you as it was for all of us... God has a big plan for you! :pQuote:
Originally Posted by SJB1701E
Quote:
Originally Posted by SJB1701E
See your on the right track already!
I love it, when those that come here in complete misery and pain, and confusion, finally show a glimmer of hope. SJ, you will never know how I have hoped you would start getting yourself back, and as you get stronger, I surely expect a lot from you, because I know where your coming from, but for now, I like your plan for yourself, and NOT mailing that letter, was a real sign, that you can stand alone, and face the life your heading for. You are definitely on the right path.
Good for you for not sending that letter. You're right, chances are, it will do more harm than good. Why? Because you'll send the letter, she may/may not respond. If she responds, her response will send you into an emotional abyss. If she doesn't respond, you'll be up nights wondering why she didn't respond... what she thought about your letter... etc.
Caribman is right... you were fine before you were with her, and you'll be fine now.
Try and listen to the people on this forum (big ups to tal). They've all been through exactly what you went through (Ihatewestseneca, freakinconfused, romefalls, and I just recently went through it... all in the past 2 months). Keep yourself busy, and do what makes you happy on a daily basis.
Baby steps. They work.
Aw, you young guys, make the not as young guy, feel good, for sure.
I don't get it, why do so many girls do this to good guys. Why do they throw away something good like this? Happened to me and so many other good guy friends. Then when I talk to older girl-friends who are like 28ish. (im 19) they tell me they have done things like this in their past where they throw good guys away for reasons like this. And now they regret it because they're alone and what not. They say they regret it now because they were good guys with no faults but being too good to them etc. I don't get like what goes through a girl's head to throw away something so awesome. All I can think of is good guys finish last..
SJB1701E: I'm really glad to hear that you can finally see that light at the end of the tunnel. Even though it may be a little faint at the moment, you can see that the light is there. Awesome job, and whatever you do just keep moving forward, even if something is standing in the way.
Rome: Sorry for the late response but yeah looks like we both are in the same time frame with regards to ex-girlfriends. It's been a little more then 2 months and I still miss my ex. But I'm not going to let that stop me from enjoying my life.
They are young, and don't know what they really want.Quote:
I don't get it, why do so many girls do this to good guys.
They are not ready, for what they have
Good guys never lose, because they never quit.Quote:
All I can think of is good guys finish last..
Confused - Exactly how I see it, I only get one crack at life, so I'm going to live to the full. With or without her(stupid U2 song) and whatever comes along the way, I'm going to take it and run with it. Its weird, 2 months ago I would NEVER have thought I would be this far along on the recovery trail. I thought "I'll be crying for months upon months"
Tal - YOU ARE EXACTLY RIGHT... Good guys don't quit, we get bumped and bruised along the way but eventually we get it right in the end. Meanwhile the women who have caused that hurting feel stupid for letting a good thing go when they find that a-hole guy they thought was so great
I quit.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
... ahhh just kidding. Even if I wanted to quit and just say screw women... I just love them a bit too much.
I love that. You are absolutely right. This will be added to my list of important quotations.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
On top of that, I agree that part of the problem is that a lot of women just don't realize what a great thing they have until they've been through life's lessons (it's just not women, men also do this). A lot of it has to do with the simple fact that we are just young. Think about it, a lot of people going through these situations are between the ages of 20 and 25, the time in our life that we change the most and as a result are trying to "find ourselves." Some of us already know what we want because we have matured a lot quicker. Unfortunately, there are very few people at this stage in life who actually know what they want in life, specifically in a partner, so a lot of us end up getting hurt because they still need to grow up. In reality though, these individuals who walk out of our lives might be doing us a big favor. They are inadvertently allowing us to live our life to the fullest before we settle down. In the process we become stronger and better individuals.
Who exactly decideds what "living life to the fullest" is? I don't know what it is. To me I felt that's what I was doing. To me being in love is living life to the fullest. I Remember single life and no, I wasn't happy diring it. It went through most of high school single. I was single for over 8 months before being with my newly made ex. I wasn't happy during those times. I didn't enjoy life during those times. This isn't me looking back through my window of despair, I really just didn't ever enjoy being single or the single life. To me its not fun and not enjoyable. I'm perfectly capable of being alone. I just don't think it's the best life has to offer. I don't think that being alone is living life to the fullest.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SJB1701E
Living life to the fullest just means living life to your potential no matter what the circumstances are.. Pure love is a willingness to give without a thought of receiving anything in return...
Well life is what you make it, you can choose what makes you happy and what gets you upset, so you would rather be in a unfulfilled relationships? And keep going through heart ache and heart break or you would rather be alone and wait for the right person to come along? Well I'll tell you one thing for certain you can't look for happiness in others all the time because people will dissapoint you. One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure its worth watching.
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”
Charles Swindoll
I know living alone is not 'living life to the fullest'.. but what most are trying to say is to retreat and regain your energy to carry on without totally secluding yourself. Even a boxer has to sit on that stool between bouts to collect himself and see what he is doing wrong or what he is doing right - depending on the opponent. Get the picture?Quote:
Originally Posted by SJB1701E
You will do fine, learn more about yourself, grow in assessing your taste in type and style of women right for you. That is something we all learn, we women too. I've made mistakes in my choice of men's looks, attitude and jobs and it took a while (and also a few bouts of verbal and physical abuse) to realize my choice of men was very wrong in my young and dumb days.
But that did not stop me from still going out to the club, concerts with friends, bowling, parties, and just plain hanging around - and those diversions were also fun. It got me to appreciate music styles, different foods, books, movies, what my favorite sports were - without a man giuding me to the taste he would have.
That is part of learning to live life to the 'fullest' by growing and developing your own tastes in everything - to include women.
So, don't stay alone at home and mope.. keep on going out and don't give up, no matter what. 'Fill' up that life of yours with as much experience in all that is available - that's the meaning of it.
All the best, dear, and keep us posted.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/8/8_4_147.gif
You live life to the fullest, because you have no control, over what life brings, or what others do. You need to love yourself, and learn what makes you happy. Part of your whole problem, as I see it is, you had your happiness all wrapped up in someone else, and when they left, your happiness went with it. Its important to balance your life, and be responsible for your own happiness. I've been married for more than 30 years, and have learned to cope with life, and get the most from it, without depending on my wife, for me to be happy. She feels the same, and does the things that make her happy, and we both share that happiness with each other. Its always been that way, and always will be. Get beyond your past, and love yourself first, and attract someone that loves themselves, and you can share. Building a life that you enjoy, is the best way to go, so start learning to love yourself. Or drown in your own shat! Your choice.
I still don't quite get the living life to the fullest part. I don't know how to do this. I'm just riding through life and just have to take the cards I'm dealt. I don't have any control, I'm just riding along till the end. It not that I wasn't able to enjoy things outside of her or have a part of my life that was separate from her. Just now, I don't enjoy those things anymore. I have stopped hanging out with my friends. At least my "regular" friends. Right now they just annoy me and piss me off. I have made plans with friends I haven't seen in a long time, but I don't know how that will go either. I don't enjoy the things that I only 2 weeks ago loved doing. Those things annoy me and I don't want to do them now. Sorry if today, I'm going to be the pit of despair but today was the last time I will ever see her. It is over now and for the first time in all this I feel its truly over. I have lost my last shread of self denial to hold onto and today I truly feel as though I have nothing to hold on to and no where to go.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Trust in God, life your life as best you can, and I guarantee things will happen for you. Good things. Just got to throw yourself out there sometimes. And still please try to be patient with yourself, its been about 2 months of NC for me and right now, things are really looking up... And most importantly, I don't really want her anymore. So hang in there SJB! We are all here for you!
Of course your down now as all this is so fresh to you, but it will get better at least that's what everyone, including myself, says.
I agree IHW, you have to make things happen yourself. Nothing in life is ever a hand out, you need to put yourself out there in order for things to happen. Take the good with the bad, bad with the good. Things will get better, trust us, we speak from experience
Well I am going to tell you the latest story. This is the last chapter between me and my ex. I emailed her Wednesday night. It was just an apology for how I've acted through all this and an offer to listen to her if she needed to talk (offer was only good through today). Thursday she instant messaged me after reading the email and said she really appreciated what I had said, but that I wasn't the bad guy in this. My email had the desired effect of the time, to get her to lower her defenses and talk to me without arguing. She called me and we talked for over 2 hours. We laughed a little bit over old times, talked about our feelings in this. She kept saying she didn't want me out of her life and was afraid of losing me forever. I responded that she couldn't have her cake and eat it too. I asked for the "promise ring" back and she said she really didn't want to give it back. I told her it and me are a package deal. She asked me what I was going to do with it and said she was afraid of me selling it or throwing it away. I told her I would pack it up with the other stuff I'm getting back and that I wouldn't do anything with it "for now". She was concerned with the "for now" and I said I have no way of knowing what the furture will bring (Implying the broader picture in that statement). She said she still loves and cares about me very much. I told her I do care about her to, but that its "not my place" to worry about her anymore. I told her I thought she had a better chance of finding what she's looking for if she turns to God for help rather than "Jack (Daniels), Jim (Bean), and Johnnie (Walker)". I told her I understand what she's going through and I don't hold it against her. She said she forgives me for the things I've done in this and that she could never hate me and that she doesn't have anything bad she could say about me or our time together. She wanted to make sure I was going to take care of myself. I told her my plans to go to church and that I am going to see a therapist to help me with the depression I've had for over 10 years or more. She said she always thought my depression was her fault. I told her I've had it for much longer than I've known her. I told her that for a long time I blamed myself for her self esteem issues, but I know now that it wasn't my fault and that hopefully she will find what she needs to feel better about herself just like I am trying to do. I told her I would try and not contact her and just leave her alone. She asked, "Couldn't you call every now and then to see how everythings going?" I told her no and that it would probably be best if she did the same unless she is interrested in seeing if we can start over or if there is an absolute emergency. We got off the phone when she had to go to work.
Now today, the end of the last chapter. Up until the end of this chapter I just kept thinking about the "Break up survival guide" on this site that lists what to do to maximize the chances of her coming back and how to handle it if she don't. My whole plan had been to do my best to leave the desired impression. What happened, while maybe still the desired result, came out a little more real. I woke up at 7:17am. I remember the exact minute. I thought to myself I could use more sleep but couldn't get it. Got up, showered, shaved (for the first time since this happened), and sent her a text, "Call me when you are ready to do this" at around 8:10am. I finished getting ready being so concerned about my appearance you would think I was getting ready for a hot date. I wanted her last image of me to be a clean cut, strong, "takeing care of myself" image. I put a cross around my neck that my dad gave me Wednesday. He has had it most of my life and my grandfather died holding it in his hand. It means a lot to him and I think right now it means even more to me. With the exception of showering, I've had it on since he gave it to me. After I finished getting ready I carefully loaded her things into my car. I went back in my house and kneeled at my bed, the cross in my hand, and prayed. I hit the point where that is all I have left. I prayed for 10 minutes or more. I prayed that God's plan lead her back to me after we both grow. I prayed for her and that God guide her on His path and away from the evils of drinking and drugs. I prayed that he watch over her and protect her if she does choose that dark path and that he lead her out of it. I prayed that if it isn't his plan for us to be together again that he guide us both to the paths to happiness. Lastly I prayed for strength and for Him to give me the words I need to say to her. I then talked to my mom and she told me that no matter what the future holds, that I won't know till it happens. She told me the only thing I can do is let her go. No matter what happens that's the only thing I can do. She also told me to stop thinking about the future and for me to just think about one day at a time. She said that I HAVE to focus on myself now, because it is the only way to heal, and that even if she comes back, if I'm still this emotional train wreck, I wouldn't be able to be with her. I talked to my dad next. He told me that all I can do is pray, and that I have to trust in Him completely. If I don't He can't help me. I prayed one last time and called her shortly after 9am. She was still in bed. I told her that I needed to get this done, because I have other things I need to do today. She told me to come over. I went over, sat in her driveway a minute, and said a last prayer. Any plans I had for "acting" a certain way disappeared then. Any of the things I had scripted in my head disappeared. I wasn't acting anymore, I was real.
She came outside carrying my 2 DVDs I left at her house, a *small* shoebox, and a Freaking HUGE teddybear (bigger around than me) I gave her on our first valentines. I had a large bag full of literally everything she had ever given me, every note, card, and loveletter. Every saved movie stub and concert ticket. Every picture. I also gave her back two picture frame collages she gave me made up of a bunch of pictures of us. The last thing I gave her was something special to me, a ring she had given me (one of hers) that said Amore on it. I had kept it hanging from the rear view mirror of my car with a cross I had bought on a trip to Ireland shortly before dating her. I kept NOTHING. We exchanged stuff and talked to her for about 15 minutes. I tried to say what I had scripted, but it caught in my throat. God was answering my prayers I'm sure. Because what came out wasn't what I had intended to say, but rather the words God wanted me to say. I was strong and composed. I was a mix of Mr. Spock (for you Trek fans) and Peter Gibbons (for you Office Space fans). I was cool, calm, and relatively collected. I checked to make sure the ring I had asked for was in the box and it was. I saw something that was in there that made me choke a bit. It was a heart pendant that she has worn around her neck since early in our relationship. I gave it to her after a time when I did something really stupid and hurtful to her. She wore it on a chain with a simple cross and a "no sex till marriage" ring (that she broke by sleeping with me saying that I was the one she intended on marrying). Every single last time we did, we made love. She never desired anythign else and neither did I. She never took that chain off. She slept and showered with it. That heart and that chain hadn't been off her neck since I gave it to her. I had intended on asking for it back when I gave her the Amore ring, but it was already in the box. This tiny simple thing crushed me more than anything. I put aside that feeling until after I left. As I spoke God put the words in my mouth and gave me the strength to stay strong till it was over. I told her off the bat I wasn't taking the huge bear and that if she didn't want it that she could throw it away. I told her to leave it at the curb. She said she didn't want it thrown away and I told her if I took it that's what would happen to it. She kept it. We talked for about 10-15 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity. I told her I was glad that we had talked the day before and that I thought it did us both good. I told her that I wasn't trying to sound desperate the day before, I was just wanting answers, and I think I got those. I told her I know what she's going through and that I understand. I told her I didn't hold it against her. She started saying if I had given her the week long break she asked for 6 months before, we wouldn't be where we are now. I said that yes, we would be. I told her that this was going to happen one way or another and if she didn't do this she would resent me and maybe even hate me for it. She said she would never hate me. I told her if it made her feel better to blame me she could but that we both know this had to happen. She said she doesn't blame me. (but she's never willing to admit I'm right) She said she was thinking about what I had said the day before. I asked her what she meant and she pointed to the cross around my neck. I said I still believe that He has a better chance of helping her find what she is looking for that alcohol and drugs and that if she prays, He will help her, but that she needs to find her own path. She asked me about the cross and I gave her the short answer that my dad gave it to me and it meant a lot to him. She said that she really felt like sh!t for springing this on me out of the blue and doing this. I simply told her I didn't hold anything against her. I told her I was getting help for my depression from God and professionals and that it was never her fault. I told her it was the same thing as her self esteem issues. We just both need help healing those parts of ourselves. I told her not to be afraid to ask for help from Him if no one else. I said I hope she turns to Him over alcohol again and that I do care and I don't want to see anything bad happen to her. She said, "You still care?" I said yes. She asked why. I resisted the urge to blurt out "BECAUSE I LOVE YOU" and instead said simply "I've cared about you for over 2 years and that doesn't just go away, at least not for me, I don't know about you." She looked down and didn't say anything. I told her I wasn't going to wait for her. She said she never asked me to. I started picking up the stuff she had given me back as it was sitting on my car and she said, "I guess you have a lot to do today and I don't have anything." I asked, "You don't have to work?" and she said no. I then said, "Well then, you're getting the time alone you asked for." I turned and said over my shoulder, "Like I said yesterday, don't expect me to stay in touch" and she started walking to her house. I then stopped at my car door, turned to her, and said, "Take care of yourself" then got in my car. She went into her house without saying another word.
Driving away, that was the moment I realised that it was truly over. No hope. No maybes. Just over. All last hopes I had are gone. I had wanted to leave the impression I was doing good and make the last sight of me one that was of a strong confident guy. I wanted the last image to be that of the guy she first fell in love with. But driving away all that didn't matter. I feel that I have let go of her, but only in the sense that I have nothing left to hold on to. This is the first moment I have actually felt that it was over. I have hit the bottom. This, as far as I know, is the last time I will ever talk to her. It really is over. I keep saying that over and over. Like it will change the fact if I keep saying it. It really is over. It really is over.
Thank you for reading this even though it was LONG. Its everything. The final Chapter. The last chapter between me and her. It really is over. It really is over.
*Round of applause*
Beautiful and very touching. Seriously, in my opinion you handled that very well. I know it was hard but you should be proud of yourself at this point. You were able to let her go and you are now ready to move on with your life.
No one knows what the future holds. You are right that this was the last chapter regarding your relationship with her as it is now. She may appear somewhere in the rest of your story. Its clear, from what you wrote, that you both really cared about one another so after a time apart you two may come back into each others life. However, as things stand now"it really is over."
Don't let that scare you. This was the end of only one chapter in your story. Why don't you turn the page and begin writing the next one. It's an exciting moment and personally I'm looking forward to reading it :)
As a side note, and this is not to take away from the seriousness of the issue, but you have a real good sense of taking life and nicely portraying it through words. You should consider writing stories as a hobby and maybe even taking it into a career. You have a skill and you should develop it.
Afterword for the Last Chapter
I have gone through the *small* shoebox that I received from her. Not even a fraction of the things I know she cherished of us. Really not more than I requested back. A watch and necklace my dad gave her our first Christmas. A Rubics Cube keychain I bought for her one day at toys'r'us I believe because she said she had never had one. I had intended to teach her how to solve it, but never got around to it. A bottle of her favorite perfume I bought for her on a day trip out of town. It was called Claddagh and we had found it at a small Celtic shop. It smells amazing and when she would wear it (only on special occasions) I couldn't keep my hands on her. I think we actually made love every time she wore it. I asked for it back saying I was the only man to know that scent on her and that I never wanted another man to know it. I told her it was something that would only be between me and her. She didn't argue. There was a stuffed stingray (named Doug according to the tag) I bought her on our only trip to the Tennessee Aquarium. It was the first and only time she had ever souched a stingray. I showed her how to be patient with it and held her from falling in when she did it. She was so excited she did it several times that day and thanked me for helping her do so. She kept the stingray toy in her car on her dashboard since that day and called it her "Doug-ee". Next was the card I had gotten her for Valentines day. I was surprised to find it was the only such item I got back. I know she kept every single last loveletter I ever wrote her in her wallet and she read them often. She kept the cards I gave her displayed. The only one I got back was the valentines day card. I can't help but wonder what she did with the others. I'll probably never know. There was also one picture in the box. Only one. The one she kept by her bed. She had many pictures of us and even a scrapbook full of them. I only got back the one picture. Its now the only picture I have of us. Its staying in the box. Last was the music box. She had wanted a music box so bad, saying she had never had one. Our first Christmas I gave it to her. It was simple and wooden. It had a bible verse on it about the strength of love and how love was always patient and always forgiving. I can't remember the exact verse. I had put the promise ring in it. She had wanted the promise ring more and I made it seem as though all I gave her was the music box. She was so excited when she opened it. When I got it back it had the promise ring as well as many other "cheap" rings I had bought her and the ring I had bought her for our last christmas. And last in it was the heart pendant I mentioned in the Last Chapter. That still hurts to think of. I thought I would have to ask it back. She had never taken it off since putting it on. I didn't have to ask. It was already in the box.
She said I could keep whatever I wanted. I kept NOTHING. I asked for a few important things. She gave me little more than I asked. She fought giving back the most significant of those. She kept most everything, a list as long as my arm, giving what she did with resistance. I kept NOTHING when she said I could keep everything. I know I shouldn't examine the signifigance, but she wanted to leave me and resisted giving up anything of us. I wanted to clutch on to her and I gave back everything. Something seems odd about this.
I put the letter never sent in the shoebox and put the box away in the closet along with things of past relationships. I won't open the box from her again, and the box sits with memories of past girlfriends. But I can't help but hurt when I see the signifigance of the things I have received from her compared to that of others they sit with. I remember being talked into keeping things from the others. Hers I couldn't ever imagine throwing away.
The "official" Day 1 may have been earlier this week, But today feels like day 1 so that's how I'm counting it. I hate that first minute or so between sleep and wakefulness where you believe everything is OK and you and her are still happily together. Then you realise that it was all a dream and that even though you can still hear that last laugh of hers from the land of dreams, you know you'll never hear it again in life. Every morning its like losing her all over again...
It may seem like you lost the love of your life and that there will never be anyone else like her. There won't be anyone like her, there will be new people, new experiences and new memories out there for you to gather and remember - eventually making those of her fade into the far distance of your mind.. I promise.Quote:
Originally Posted by SJB1701E
This happens to all of us, so you are not the only this has happened to, and will probably not be the last time you will feel this way in your life, but it is part of being human. We have emotions beyond that of animals who simply look for a mate to procreate with for the survival of the species. The emotional part instilled in us make it more difficult to make it that simple to experience and endure.
Being human activates another survival instinct in us, and that is to keep on going no matter what - otherwise there would be mass suicides worlwide every day when a love is lost and the pain starts.
It's too soon, but as time goes by, her voice, smell, visions of her smile and your memories of all these will fade because it will become time to make new ones. TIME and what we do with it is the factor here and the inner strength you gain after each rejection - it's no fun being rejected, but it is a part of what we are and there is no escaping it.
Go through your pain, anger and healing process - it's normal - and as I said before, we will be here to help you through it. So stay with us and let it all out.
TaTaForNow, and have a good cry and then rest over the weekend.
Chery
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