Definitely a good idea, I carry my camera around withme now, I took a ton of pics when I got home. She is really bossy, I'm always surrounded with bossy girls >.<. She got sleepy and cried till I got on me knees so she could lay under, and between my legs. Then I laid her on my bed and went in later, she lifted her head and looked at me, I laid mine where she had hers... she cried until I moved my head and she laid right back down and fell asleep lol. Pets are wonderful distractions.

You should really get her used to sleeping in her own Basket or whatever , a good little trick is to put an old clock that ticks under her blanket , it replicates the sound of the mothers heartbeat. Try it , it works.

And looking forward to see the pic!

You but atm I'm staying at my moms because I still need to clean up my apt after my roommate left >.< I don't mind the sleeping on a bed, but right now she is so small I will definitely make her a bed, and try the clock thing, that's a great idea! Thanks

So, had a great weekend, talked to that chick Ky a bit more. And our date today is set... but now I'm getting nervous lol. I haven't ever been on a date date... and haven't gone out with anyone since my ex, which means since high school...

So we are meeting up at starbucks in a book store... going to talk about art and she is going to show me some of her work etc... And a girl I'm friends with at her work mentioned some things about her... well she sounds like a GREAT girl so I guess I'm intimidated now. I don't want to make a bad impression or anything.

Not getting my hopes up or anything, I mean no matter what happens I made a cool friend, but I don't know how observant I am on if a girl is feeling me you know?

Darling Delow, just be yourself and she will be enamored, hooked, gone, over-the-moon! :)

Starbucks! Greeeaaaat choice. Jazz, strong coffee, awesome atmosphere... can't go wrong.

YAY! :) I'm happy for you!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HistorianChick

Darling Delow, just be yourself and she will be enamored, hooked, gone, over-the-moon! :)

Starbucks! Greeeaaaat choice. Jazz, strong coffee, awesome atmosphere... can't go wrong.

YAY! :) I'm happy for you!

---

"Just be yourself" I knew I'd hear that, but I guess hearing it from someone else just sounds better lol. Thanks HC :)

And you starbucks sounded great... I mean art... books... coffee (hot chocolate for me lol) and music... thought it was a good idea at the time. Well she seems like a great girl, hopefully I can live up to my expectations of myself and make a good impression :P

Forget everything but the fun, make her smile, laugh, and just have fun. Hey you're a Texan, and that's what we do.

Make the most of it while the sun shines... Live the moment and u'll go with the flow... all the best!

So, she had said to meet around 6ish... so I get there about 10 min before, looked at books, looking for one on Papillons, bought a hot chocolate... and around 630 I sent her a message asking if she forgot about me. Well seems we miscommunicated and she went to another starbucks, but didn't have time to meet up cause of a previous dinner with a friend and she hangs with her mom on weds.



Now I felt like I was being blown off at first, but she made a comment that she works tomorrow and I could come up to see her, and we could meet up Sunday cause she is off... So I don't know what to think, just bad luck today? But she IS interested, or she isn't and is trying to like let me down easy I guess. I don't know.

Is her offering up me coming to see her, and Sunday a good thing?

Chill out Delow. You don't want to seem needy do you?

Go see her and have a good time with no expectations , then if something becomes of it all good. If it doesn't you've found a new friend.

True true lol thanks friend :) sux being new to it all again

LOL... just go and have a fun time and your true self will shine through.

I agree with F4U (yet again!). Don't worry... your signals were crossed, you didn't get let down easy. She wants to meet up with you tonight! She's interested.

Go. Have a great time. Be yourself. And... (drumroll, please)... she will see what an awesome guy you are and she'll be hooked. :)

I have a routine set up for myself, so that my mind is constantly busy. I go to work, get off and spend some time with either my best friend (hes over almost everyday) and Cassie (my puuuupppyy). I drink some and play halo with jason, clean the apartment a little bit everyday. Then I put on a playlist on my computer of every sad song I can think of that reminds me of my ex. (except one that I just can't listen to) I will play it and work out for an hour or two, then lay down with Cassie and either draw or write whatever comes to my mind. Throw in a mix of going out and shooting pool, downloading movies to watch (jumper is a good movie lol) And that's my day :P

But somewhere in that seemingly boring routine I have realized a few things. One thing, which was sparked by my organizing and packing away all me and my ex's stuff. I still love her without a doubt. I found a poem to that effect that I had written for her. Again I don't think she ever saw it. I love her still, and will always love and remember her. When I am shooting pool I know that memories of teaching her how to shoot right and consistently will jump in my head. And I smile at those memories. On the flip side I know that those bad memories will come up and bite me in the butt. I don't just love who she was, I love who she IS. My love was never conditional "you have to be this way for me to love you" I loved everything about her. I wasn't so blind I couldn't see her faults, I made the conscious choice she wasn't perfect, but I thought she was perfect for me.

Now I bet your thinking "oh man relapse" lol. But far from it. I read a quote by HC earlier... and it was perfect. I am not ready to be in a relationship, or even try. And I know this because I TRY at all. :P I am happy, and sad, I am completely miserable, and yet completely satisfied.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know if I will win the lottery, meet a supermodel or just fall over and die. I don't know. But I DO know, when I go home tonight, my best friend will be there. Cassie will run in circles and chase me and try to entice me to play. I know I can look forward to my ferret stealing Cassie's toys and hiding them under the dresser.

I may not know what's coming over the horizon, but I sure as heck know what's already here.

And I have noticed that lately I have far less moments where I think "How could she?" or "Why?" and far more "To bad for her." "She is missing out." "her loss."

The way I see it now, If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.

Ok Delow just a couple of things

1.Love the puppy and good to see you got her pic as your avatar

2.Thinking about her and the things you did together are perfectly normal , its just with time you will do it less , its just part of the process.

3. STOP listening to sad songs that remind you of her , for now at least. Where does it get you?

4.Love the quote you put at the end of your post here :-)

The way I see it now, If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.

Dear Delow - you are doing awesome... remember that ol' Hall of Cell-Phone-Taker-Chargers? (or something like that! Lol) You're doing our elusive, illustrious, amazing ranks proud.

You're at that blessed place in the healing process where you're remembering the sweet moments, the delightful escapades, the special secrets. And, that is a wonderful place to be. But F4U is right... try mixing a few Goo Goo Dolls or Bangles in there (ok, OK, maybe not your cup of tea, but you know what I mean!) and rock out. Celebrate you-ness. Your own awesomeness.

Glad one of my quotes could help you - you always know how to reach me! :)

(BTW - love the pic of Cassie! Such a cutie!)

Thanks :) and the reason I listen to the sad music (because my friend told me to stop also) is to use it TO think about everything, and channel it into what I'm doing, like working out.
And its MUCH easier to sing along with a slow sad song then an upbeat fast tempo song, so I get to sing to Cassie lol. At least I can say I don't pull out her pics, or things that remind me of her. I don't check on her, and I've stopped looking at every yellow cobalt I see thinking it might be her lol.

I am pretty awesome lol. I taught Cassie how to sit, and shake and SOMETIMES lay down on command... 7 weeks old :P I so proud!

Lately I kept focusing on what might have been, what might be, where I might end up. But that is pretty useless thinking. Now I'm thinking, This is what is, and where I am at. And I am content with that.

Ah, I understand now. The sweet, healing symphony of slow songs...

Understand perfectly...

Yep yep, although one song in particular I just can't listen to... "I wanna grow old with you" by adam sandler... gawd.

Anyway I would recommend listening to every sad song you know, if you're an artist, writer, or whatever, listen to it. Then do what you do. Draw, paint, write, read, dance... amazing things come from it. You will be surprised at what happens, and then even more surprised when those sad songs don't hold the same meaning they once held.

I really hate this, I can be doing soooo good... or at least think I am. I haven't checked Ex's myspace even though I have been tempted... I don't check my emails as soon as I wake up hoping for an email from her. I don't cry at the drop of a hate anymore... I don't worry about running into her like I did before.

But at night, all alone I go to sleep listening to some of the sappiest songs I can think of. Every night I ask God to help me out, I ask him to make tomorrow better then today. I day dream of so many scenarios of what I'd do in this situation, or that. And even with all that, I have maybe shed only a hand ful of tears.

Not seeing her (pictures or in person) or talking to her definitely helps, because I am sure I'd be worse if I did.

But well I did something (or am doing something) stupid now... for SOME ODD reason... I decided to play all these songs, that she sang into a microphone and I saved on my comp ( I loved when she sang, and she loved to sing) and even have a save of her singing happy birthday and "you are my sunshine" on my birthday...

Hearing her voice is tearing me up lol. It's like when you sprain your ankle and it hurts like hell, yet you keep putting a little pressure on it, or when you have a bruise and you keep poking it. It's like "stop poking it"... yet you can't help it.

Hearing my ex sing "you were mine" by the dixie chicks kills me.

This really sux. I see attractive woman all over the place, but honestly I don't care. I could bet my life that I'd recognize my ex just from a finger showing. I thought she was so beautiful... she never believed it which is I'm guessing one reason she did what she did.

I still remember every curve of her face, the way she smelled and even how she walked. Those things don't leave me alone.
Blah.
Blah

Time. Time seems to be flying by. Feels like just a few weeks ago I started posting here, and feels like just a few months ago this all happened. Yet its been so much longer. I am trying to let go and move on. I am trying to leave the past behind. And I have been doing so well. But I don't have any good true friends here where I live. I lost some of the closest friends I ever had, because I wanted my ex to believe in me... stupid.

The only way I get friends to hang out is if I buy beer (which I don't even get to drink much of it) and say "lets play halo" bleh. I am tired of video games. It is honestly one thing I did wrong in our relationship. Was play too much.

"goodbye to you" heh truer words have never been spoken (sang?)

Because I get out of work at 1030pm I can't really go out to places and meet someone... really all I got are bars and clubs... for some reason I don't do good at clubs (I think I'm a little epileptic, I passed out within 10 min because of lights and the beat and got kicked out lmao on halloween) and I just don't want to go to places like that.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have my routine keeps me busy throughout the week. But then my weekend comes along (my days off rotate) and I have nothing for all that time id be at work.

Blah I'm just venting. Time. It heals all wounds, but I'm like an elephant, I never forget. :( I think they even say that about scorpios... when we are wronged we never forget. I still have kids who picked on me in kindergarten on my metaphorical hit list. Haha joke, but I remember their names.

God... ever heard that song God must be busy? It's how I feel.

I know how you feel Delow... it sucks to have a good memory, it sucks to be smart, it sucks to be a thinker and a dreamer. I remember all about my ex too... I really thought we had something special, but if its all the same to her, then I guess it wasn't that special after all. I know you know that this is just a weak moment for you, and it will pass. If you've got nothing to do on the weekend volunteer. I recently volunteer a few times a week at a day care... let me tell you, the kids love me and it feels great to play with them and whatnot. At first they were afraid of me because my voice is so deep (and sexy :p) but they've really grown attached. I have their mothers asking me to come over during the week to babysit, I would but I got a job. And I've been hit on by so many single mothers, I don't really want baby momma drama, but its still nice.

So yeah, volunteer somewhere where there's ladies or something... I currently have 3 girls after me, but I'm still in school so I meet girls there all the time. I also hate clubs and bars, but I love to shoot pool, go to a pool hall, hustle some people if you're good, if you're not ask someone if they'd teach you some tricks.

Hang in there buddy, you've been busy, but sometimes things just catch up to you.

I think I'm going through some of it what you're going through right now... For some time I felt good and I thought I was getting over it all and everything is going to be great... Well I was wrong.

Some times I still think of her and I miss everything we had... It just hurts so much knowing it's all gone now. I keep thinking that maybe if I was in a relationship I'd be able to move on and stop all these feelings towards the ex... But Like you, I'm not into the club scene much and frankly I wouldn't even want a girl from a club.

I see a lot of attractive girls and all, but I don't have the courage to aproach them or even say anything... Yesterday was such a nice day, so I took my motorcycle for a ride... IT brought the memories of us riding together and having so much fun... It just hurt too damn much...

It's been 2.5 months for me... The pain is still there and I'm hoping it goes away.

R

Wow, guys aren't we a messed up bunch. Sheeesh. So I am on my 3rd or 4th week of NC. IT HURTS LIKE FREAKING HELL. I try the same thing, not to look at myspace etc. Still do. Have not called or emailed. I am Dying Dying to email. I have been thinking about it for a week now. I will probably do it because I still feel like I have one last thing to say. I probably should not do it, but I need to for me. I wrote all I could then reread imagining her responses. So after that I realized I had nothing to say. But one thing.

Its hard not to blame yourself and not to look at all the things that I did wrong that probably made it into what it is (I know should not blame myself.) But yea there are things I did wrong and I am very mad that I did them. So yea "next time." whatever.

Today I look at it this way.

I'm weak and broken. Who is going to want that?
I have lost joy in EVERYTHING. What am I doing?
Everything I do is to try to mask the truth and hide how I feel. Why am I doing this?
Sure I miss her like hell and I pray sometimes that the good we had will overcome. I beat myself up for losing what I felt to be something special.

I am seriously pissed because I am here because of the decisions I made. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. I am tired of wanting. I am tired of waiting for someone else. Times I get afraid that I will end up completely blocking her out and then that will be that.

I think perhaps first before trying to want someone back and this and that. GET RIGHT first. Quiet down, feel okay about yourself, not about who she thought I was. IT hurts. Even the good days or good things make me feel even worse. If I wake up and the sun is shinning it makes me even sadder. I don't to use bitterness to get "over her." Can not do anything. SO they tell me sometimes if you pretend long enough that you are happy you will one day find yourself believing that you are. I have a vivid memory and imagine everything we did and how she will be doing that with someone else now. What I lost, what I don't have anymore. How can I enjoy anything anymore now that I know what I have lost? They tell me not to beat myself up, to cry, be a man, get over, it will get better blah blah blah. K fine, intellectually I believe it, makes sense, these are life's patterns. We love, we loose then We love again. Poetry of life. Life always makes more sense looking back, so how to we gain that foreshight, to be ourselves as we wish. I wake up every morning around 2 and vivid thoughts of her rush through my head, gosh when will I fall asleep. I cannot change the way I feel, even though I can change what I do. I can fight everyday not to look at her myspace. Or I can do it be don feel bad and keep slapping myself in the face till I get tired of it. Dammit. My brain won't stop. I am a smart guy, I can look at a situation from infinite angles all seemingly valid, very complicated, yet infinitely simple. What will I choose to believe? What will get me the results I want? What's in my head is more real than what's out there. I cannot foresee the future even though the ones that have gone before me, tell me what lies ahead.

She is just a girl. A girl that onced loved me and now can not come near me. Was I that bad?

Fundamentally what kind of person am I?

That's Today, god knows how I will feel tomorrow

Hey guys...

Here is what I'm feeling today... Yes, it's a "chick show," but, boy... I couldn't say it better.

YouTube - It hurts too much

Sometimes, we just have to let go...

Lol, yep. Now if I can only feel like letting go :)

HA. Someday. Funny stuff.

Plan something for those down times, and off days. The whole idea is enjoying the freedom to do new things, and meet new people, and have the courage to do what your afraid of. Volunteering, I can guarantee, will get you off thoes pity pots and see what its like for people with some devastating problems. Hospitals , schools, retirement homes, soup kitchens. Makes being sad seem kind of good. It's a great way to do for others besides yourself, and meet some great dedicated people. Get with the healing guys, and stop missing the many options for fun, and a good life, that are out there, that don't involve alcohol or video games. You will never find anything by remembering her cute butt. Sports, gyms, libraries and grocery stores, great place to practice those people skills with real people. Now rather than later. That's all a part of healing. Make a plan to engage 2 strangers every day, not for romance but as a good happy human, and see how that makes you feel. Don't knock it without trying it.

[QUOTE=talaniman]You will never find anything by remembering her cute butt.QUOTE]
Lol

You guys are all right, and I knew I could count on you guys being there.
I will definitely try volunteering, and just trying to plan stuff for my days off. I have freedom but I guess the suddeness of it was still new... still haven't spread my wings so to speak lol.

Today I helped my cousin (my dads goddaughter so like a sister to me) read for awhile... it was fun lol.

Im going to have nights like last night I'm sure, but hopefully less frequently. Lately I have 'felt' the ties binding me to her memorie slowly breaking away (hard to put it into words) and its scary, and sad. Its like I can sense myself moving on even if only an inch a day.

But no matter how bad it ever gets. Even if I throw a big pity party and look at all our old memories etc... Ill still be here tomorrow :)

Anyway thanks guys I appreciate it!

So it's one of those nights again lol. But I have had things happen the last few days to kind of push me to where I'm at. I had a blocked number call at 1230am (only people who know me know Im not asleep) and no one I know blocks there number. So of course that thought it might be ex popped up. (or just a wrong number lol) Then a story of how my best friends mom was helped at her bank by my ex. I came up and his mom played it like I was the happiest guy alive "she had never seen me happier" and I "came over to the house the other night with a really pretty girl"

That made me laugh lol. And then touching up my portraits I've drawn (most of which are my ex lol) kind of just made memories pop up. Isn't so bad now that I'm writing about it lol.

And I have a plan to get the picture of my ex sleeping that I drew in the art thread, blown up on canvas as an art piece in my place. (it IS a good drawing) and it was a good memory.

Meh good thing its free pool tonight. And my friend has money now so I don't have to pay for drinks lol

Ok so I broke NC, over a year and a half after starting it.

The way it happened, was drinking with a buddy. And lately he has been down in the dumps, and I have been at an all time high. He didn't believe I was over my ex, dared me to look at her myspace.

Stupid alcohol, I did, and then to top it off I sent her a message. Not the "I miss you" or "hows it going" I kept it short, and just apologized for the horrible things I did.

Was not expecting a response. But she did, and she continued to ask me questions about my life etc... So I answered, didn't bother me none. I made sure not to ask her anything about hers, I was trying to make it just as easy for her to stop, as it was to keep asking.

One thing led to another, we met up one day at the golf range (I told her I was going and we could meet up there) we had fun, went to a movie, then dinner, then a bar. Had a blast. A friend said that was the first time he has ever seen us out together and having a good time.

Well we continued talking on myspace. And at this point all my friends were worrying, saying I was playing with fire. I agreed. But I figured you old feelings are there, but different, I will just go with the flow. ^_^

Since her and the guy she rebounded off me had a bad falling out a few months past, I told her she should date, get herself right. Encouraged other things, I didn't want to get back with her.

But we kept hanging out. Kept seeing each other 2-3 times a week. We are both so different now(almost 2 years later) I guess we started to fall for each other again.

Last two times we hung out, a lot of hand holding, and holding each other.

But I finally made the decision to stop it. Because I don't really want her to date, but she needs to. I don't want to see that. I told her we should probably stop seeing each other and talking because our relationship is steadily escalating, and as much as I would like that. She has to be OK with herself, and I don't think she really knows yet.

She was sad, but I cheered her up. Humor is an amazing tool. We spent the rest of that day and evening doing what we shouldn't (holding each other, hands etc) and watching a movie. Till I finally left knowing it would prob be the last time.

I am sad, but I figure if it's meant to be it will be.

I feel like we were given a second chance. To not really replace, but change what our last memories are of each other.

Instead of the horribleness from my original post on here, or the things she remembered.

Now our last memories are great. It's bittersweet. Quite painful.

But I am OK with it. ^_^ Now to start NC all over again. But it's not so bad, though I don't recommend my particular situation.

Anyway that was this last month.