Ask Me Help Desk - Rebound Boyfriend

How long you been split up. My advise would be to go NC for a while, let the 'dust' settle, learn from what went wrong, grow as a person and most importantly learn to be happy alone. If you can do that then your ahead of the 'game'!

You yourself probably know if she or more like you is affecting you more than a person should. Sometimes we just have to make a clean break to get ourself back for our own emotional and physical well being, I had to! Although she still is in my thoughts a lot of the day its better than being confused all the time in contact with someone you still care deeply about.

You will probably find out you are simply a 'friend' and your be gutted! Learn the hard way if you want. I did.

Here is the history on this situation:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nd-126400.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nd-126387.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-127350.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ck-133660.html

What made you call her? I thought we agreed that you were going to leave her alone and let her come to you when she sees fit, if ever.

I still stand by what I have said before many times, let her be. Focus on you!! Not only are you antagonizing her, you are making yourself look insane, and you are adding stress to your life that you don't need. Make yourself better first, then think about the next move.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

What made you call her? I thought we agreed that you were going to leave her alone and let her come to you when she sees fit, if ever.

I still stand by what I have said before many times, let her be. Focus on you!!! Not only are you antagonizing her, you are making yourself look insane, and you are adding stress to your life that you dont need. Make yourself better first, then think about the next move.

Some people are just gluttons for punishment. That's the conclusion I have reached. They keep going back to the same people that treat them badly and expect them to change... then when they are old and gray they wonder why they wasted half their lives on someone that never gave them what they expected when they first met.

This is simple... if you are constantly fighting... someone is always disrespecting you or taking off and needing "space" its time to dump them and move on. Life's too short to waste on people like that.

The line between an obsessed ex and a stalker is razor thin. The object of boths attention does not want the attention of either. And is likely enough to get a restraining order issued.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

Some people are just gluttons for punishment. Thats the conclusion I have reached. They keep going back to the same people that treat them badly and expect them to change...then when they are old and gray they wonder why they wasted half their lives on someone that never gave them what they expected when they first met.

He is the one that treated her badly, so she dumped him, and now he is doing everything in his power to get her back. It is all explained in the links Glinda gave above, although I know there are a lot of them to go through.

He is in therapy now for his anger problem and needs to focus on that before trying to win her back. He needs to realize that it is her decision whether to talk to him or not, and bugging her is not going to make the situation go in his favor.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

He is the one that treated her badly, so she dumped him, and now he is doing everything in his power to get her back. It is all explained in the links Glinda gave above, although I know there are a lot of them to go through.

He is in therapy now for his anger problem and needs to focus on that before trying to win her back. He needs to realize that it is her decision whether to talk to him or not, and bugging her is not going to make the situation go in his favor.

OK...

Just reverse rolls then... given that past she is likely to get a restraining order issued and it can turn ugly real fast. Best he close that chapter in his life, and move on. And remember what he learned in therapy in his next relationship. He can't erase the past... nor will she forget it.

I recommend forgetting her and moving on... you don't want to be picking up the soap in a prison shower (thats as clean as I can make it so use your imagination) because you won't take a hint. And if it goes as far as a restraining order a single phone call can put you there.

I think you need to leave her alone. You treat her like crap and then can't accept that she is with someone else. I think this is nothing but male pride talking.
Do her a favor and leave her alone and maybe you can use this time to figure out how to treat people.

Well everyone, I know I am obsessed and I am very sorry... I just keep feeling in my heart that I can get her back and every day that goes by I feel like I'm wasting my time. I don't want to bother her or "bombard" her with phone calls... I don't want to cross that line, I know I have to very careful, we will see what happens.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

well everyone, i know i am obsessed and i am very sorry....i just keep feeling in my heart that i can get her back and every day that goes by i feel like im wasting my time. i dont want to bother her or "bombard" her with phone calls....i dont want to cross that line, i know i have to very careful, we will see what happens.

If you love her, then you should want her to be happy, right? If not being with you is making her happy, then give her best wishes and move on. You don't want to hurt the ones you love, and by obsessing, deep down you are hurting her.

If you love her, let her go. It is her decision if and when to come back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

well everyone, i know i am obsessed and i am very sorry....i just keep feeling in my heart that i can get her back and every day that goes by i feel like im wasting my time. i dont want to bother her or "bombard" her with phone calls....i dont want to cross that line, i know i have to very careful, we will see what happens.

Just remember prison rape (worst case but sobering none the less)... that should be enough to help you get your mind back where it should be and off her. And stay out of trouble. Just remember that line may not be where you think it is, and that you may have crossed it long before you think you were even close. You don't want to be in that situation.

Just like Nauticalstar said. She is happy and is doing great that should be enough.

SHE is already happy and moving on with her life YOU are stuck in the past and trying to figure out what the next move should be. Your next move should be to leave her the heck alone and move on.

Well then there is nothing left for me to do, but sit and wait for myself to heal... and I wish her the best in everything and I want her to happy her whole life, with or without me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

well then there is nothing left for me to do, but sit and wait for myself to heal....and i wish her the best in everything and i want her to happy her whole life, with or without me.

Pretty much. You aren't alone. Look on this website there are so many people who are hurting after a breakup and they are all "sitting around waiting to heal". You just have to be an active member of your own life as opposed to focusing on HER life. Shift the focus.

Yea I agree and I don't want to be selfish about it, sometimes there is nothing for me to do and I sit around thinking about her and I sometimes cry a lot. I have been casually dating a couple girls and all I think about is her when I am with them, I have it sooo bad. I don't whether I miss the shoulder that I could always cry on (now its gone) or her and her personality. I sometimes find myself so bored that I can't do anything but think about her. I am trying my best to shift my focus, but once I have nothing to do she comes right back in my mind. Nobody knows the future... but should I wait for her to come around, which could take months or it could never happen! I'm soooo lost, I'm stuck on her and at the same time I'm trying my best to break free.

So find a way to fill the time. There are things to do you just have to look for them in anyway shape or form.

During my last breakup I just picked up a million hobbies, joined a ton of clubs and went to the gym anytime I felt like I had nothing else to focus on. I linked up with a friend who was going through a break up too and she and I would support one another and when we one of us would freak out we would go out with each other or just hang out and no talking about the exes allowed. Even to know that I could call her and talk to her for as long as needed was helpful.

You have to find your support network and find other ways to fill your time then obsessing over your ex.

That sounds like a really good idea and I actually have someone like that but they are going to a different college, but she always gives me great advice. My friend went the same thing I am going through. You know what my problem is, I couldn't believe that my ex could let go of the wonderful memories that we had. You know what, I was focusing on all of great things in the relationship and that made me very depressed. She was focusing on all the negatives and that reinforced her to stay away from me. What do you think?

Well clearly what meant more to her in the relationship was the negative things and your view was all positive. Its possible for two people in a relationship to be in two completely different relationships if you understand what I mean.

Why not lean on the friend at the other school? Phone calls are great rescuers at time of need.

It also might help if you focus on your ex's negative qualities and negative things in the relationship. It helps to shift the focus. I did the same after my last relationship. I focused on every little tiny thing that bothered me about him regardless of what it was. It does help. As you heal and gain perspective you can see the relationship for what it actually was.

I forgot to mention that I do talk to my friend just about everyday whether it is online or on the phone and I'm actually going up there this weekend, this will my third time up there in a month. It does help. What exactly do you mean by two completely different relationships, I don't quite understand that?

And one more thing... just out of curiosity... will her focus shift from negative to positive in time?

That is hard to say. If you were really mean to her, she may never see the relationship as being a positive one. That is the price you pay when you mistreat people. It's really best to just leave her alone and let her have a new happy life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

and one more thing...just out of curiosity....will her focus shift from negative to positive in time?

If you change your ways and prove to her that you have, she may see you in a positive way in the future. Keep in mind, this does not mean that she will get back together with you, it just means that in the future her hard feelings towards you may diminish.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

That is hard to say. If you were really man to her, she may never see the relationship as being a positive one. That is the price you pay when you mistreat people. It's really best to just leave her alone and let her have a new happy life.

What's that supposed to mean?

Quote:

Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

If you change your ways and prove to her that you have, she may see you in a positive way in the future. Keep in mind, this does not mean that she will get back together with you, it just means that in the future her hard feelings towards you may diminish.

That sounds good and I realize it, and that's why I'm kind of pushing it a little bit, because I don't want her feelings to go away forever. I think she is in kind of a phase where she still thinks about the negatives and as time goes by I think she will reflect on the positives and I do realize this doesn't mean we will get back together.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

That sounds good and i realize, and thats why im kind of pushing it a little bit, because i dont want her feelings to go away for me. I think she is in kind of a phase where she still thinks about the negatives and as time goes by i think she will reflect on the positives and i do realize this doesnt mean we will get back together.

If you want her to see you in a positive way, then you need to prove that you can be positive. This does not mean calling her all the time and telling her "i've changed"... this means keeping it up with your therapy, becoming a positive person, and letting her see it for herself.

She probably is still thinking about the negatives, it sounds like there were a lot of negatives there. You must understand that this whole process does not happen overnight; it takes time. You need to give it as much time as it takes.

Keep up with your therapy, and most of all focus on yourself!!! You, and making yourself better, are the most important right now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

If you want her to see you in a positive way, then you need to prove that you can be positive. This does not mean calling her all the time and telling her "i've changed"...this means keeping it up with your therapy, becoming a positive person, and letting her see it for herself.

She probably is still thinking about the negatives, it sounds like there were a lot of negatives there. You must understand that this whole process does not happen overnight; it takes time. You need to give it as much time as it takes.

Keep up with your therapy, and most of all focus on yourself!!! You, and making yourself better, are the most important right now.

Yea I completely understand that, since she goes to a separate college, she probably never hears about me or knows what's going on... is she going to say to her herself one day, "wow i havent to him in a while" and call me? Im just concerned that I'm going to be waiting a long time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

whats that supposed to mean?

It means that if you were a real butt hole to her, she may never see her time with you as positive. It's best to just leave her alone to be happy with someone else. That is the price you pay when you mistreat someone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

yea i completely understand that, since she goes to a separate college, she probably never hears about me or knows whats going on.....is she going to say to her herself one day, "wow i havent to him in a while" and call me? Im just concerned that im going to be waiting a long time.

If you have to wait a long time, then so be it. Like I said, it doesn't happen overnight.

She may or may not want to call you sometime in the future just to catch up. I don't really know, I'm not in her head. Just please stop bugging her, you are not helping the situation at all. You need to let this rest.

OK fine... thanks for your help.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

If you have to wait a long time, then so be it. Like I said, it doesnt happen overnight.

She may or may not want to call you sometime in the future just to catch up. I dont really know, i'm not in her head. Just please stop bugging her, you are not helping the situation at all. You need to let this rest.

I almost forgot, the main reason I can't get over her is because I would lean on her for everything, she kept me going and when she left I collapsed. Is it right to date a new girl for the soul purpose of getting over her or should I really take this time to learn how to stand on my own two feet and go through the low self esteem and depression?

It is wrong on so many levels to date someone just to get over someone els. It is using that person. You need to use this time to mature and deal with your problems. You don't need to be in a relationship with anybody right now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

It is wrong on so many levels to date someone just to get over someone els. It is using that person. You need to use this time to mature and deal with your problems. You don't need to be in a relationship with anybody right now.

That's what I figured, good idea, I think that is what my ex is doing... her new boyfriend is really helping her forget about me

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

i almost forgot, the main reason i can't get over her is because i would lean on her for everything, she kept me going and when she left i collapsed. is it right to date a new girl for the soul purpose of getting over her or should i really take this time to learn how to stand on my own two feet and go through the low self esteem and depression?

Well now is the time to learn to lean on yourself. When you make someone your everything and depend upon them for everything it is natural to collapse when that person leaves you. Its as if you have completely forgotten how to do anything for yourself because you are used to that other person.

Honestly that just tells me even more that the two of you should not be together and that you shouldn't be jumping into another relationship. That is severe co-dependent behavior. You need to learn how to be a secure, independent person in a relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

Well now is the time to learn to lean on yourself. When you make someone your everything and depend upon them for everything it is natural to collapse when that person leaves you. Its as if you have completely forgotten how to do anything for yourself because you are used to that other person.

Honestly that just tells me even more that the two of you should not be together and that you shouldn't be jumping into another relationship. that is severe co-dependent behavior. You need to learn how to be a secure, independent person in a relationship.

That's amazing, my dad told me the same thing... I felt good about myself because I was with her. Nobody could hurt, except where I left myself the most vunerable, which was the part of my heart reserved for her and it was a huge chunk. Sounds like a good plan and I think I need to let it go and have time for myself for at least a couple months.

The Past

Just for my own personal knowledge... is it bad to remind an ex about past memories when talking to him/her? Will this annoye them?

If it's good memories, I don't see a problem with it.
If it's bad memories or something that should be left in the past, then I'd say it's not worth bringing up again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

Well now is the time to learn to lean on yourself. When you make someone your everything and depend upon them for everything it is natural to collapse when that person leaves you. Its as if you have completely forgotten how to do anything for yourself because you are used to that other person.

Honestly that just tells me even more that the two of you should not be together and that you shouldn't be jumping into another relationship. that is severe co-dependent behavior. You need to learn how to be a secure, independent person in a relationship.

Just for my own personal knowledge... is it bad to remind an ex about past memories when talking to him/her? Will this annoye them?

Past memories about what and who?

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Originally Posted by shygrneyzs

Past memories about what and who?

Go to my question called how to approach it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

Just for my own personal knowledge....is it bad to remind an ex about past memories when talking to him/her? Will this annoye them?

It would be bad right at this moment. If you two became friends in the future, I don't see the harm in it, but not now.