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Right here you said "... he'd grow a pair..."Quote:
Originally Posted by chicago95
How about this. Why don't you call this guy and tell him that you're sleeping with his wife. Why don't you do that. With everything that you've told us. You said he wouldn't divorce her unless it was infidelity, so call him. Where's your pair?
Let us know how it goes.
She can't have it both ways. If she is feels things are happening for a reason she needs to pick her path and follow it. Right now she is holding back and wanting it both ways. Not disrupting her married life and not ready to give all to you. Yes she needs to get divorced and be with you but will she? Until then she is being unfair to you and to her husband no matter how bad their relationship may be.Quote:
Originally Posted by chicago95
I did not destroy her marriage. She had been thinking for a long time about leaving... in fact praying for a sign. Maybe I'm that sign... maybe not. A bit odd though considering I called her up shortly after her cry to the heavens without even knowing all of this. Her marriage isn't working because it never worked. She reassured me and has told the counselor she doesn't regret me coming back into her life and in fact is glad. Now she's figuring out the reason all of this is occurring. Cite her strict Cath. Upbringing, overbearing parents... whatever. I know she has issues which is why she's going to counseling when others would simply divorce.Quote:
Originally Posted by sully123
Me walking away would involve absolving myself of comm.interaction with her. I would be out of her marriage for her to see whether to meet me in the isle or leave me in the wilderness. THAT is what I meant. God's will you know?
Quote:
Originally Posted by jmjoseph
Seriously? I mean I have thought of that. She's certain this will all come out in the open sometime and hopefully he'll divorce her... but that would be letting fate happen instead of intervening. Wow! I do find myself in agreement. And that is precisely from the same vein that I'm taping into that everyone has there limits even a passive guy like him. If I wait long enough, something will be forced to happen. Never heard of a husband being content to let his wife have a life long affair knowing full well what is going on. Right?
Thank you though!
Yeah I'd tell her 'IF you don't tell him I will' and see what she has to say to that.
Don't just let yourself be her side dish for you.
You are wasting your life if that is all you'll ever be to her. You could be out finding someone right for you if she isn't going to make a decision.
"in fact praying for a sign. Maybe I'm that sign..."
Do you really think you are a sign from GOD? Are you kidding me?
Your name here should be " burningbush95"
You really think God is sending you signs to commit a sin? Isn't this one of the Ten Commandments? And you think you are a sign from God? Or that it's God's will that you be together? NO WAY! Sorry.
You are just making yourself appear more and more naïve. She's playing you, open your eyes.
You really think that telling her parents would bring the two of you together? If she tells her strictly Catholic parents that she is cheating on her husband, you think they'll tell her to divorce him and marry the man that ended that marriage. NO.
And whether the marriage was bad before you came along, you are the driving force for its dysfunction at this point. Why would you do that? Don't you see how wrong all of your actions with this woman are? If you truly believe in God, ask the head of your church what he thinks you should do.
She may be playing him as a side dish only that is why he needs to come up with plan B and call her *bluff
Your greatly construing my words. I do NOT think God is sending me signs. I'm not that religious but I do feel it's a bit too coincidental that her marriage is bad and all the signs she's been given to leave. Then praying for a sign and out of the blue I call her and she calls me back. Plus not being able to consummate a marriage because of the pain is absent with us. And that would not have taken place had she any doubts about us. Yes, I can't help that life is trying to correct for mistakes that should not have been made. But I do have a conscience... why else would I be on here and wanting to spend the rest of my life with her? If I had none, wouldn't I be happy the way things are or send pics of us to him? I don't think so. Gess. Cut me some slack. You don't know the whole picture.Quote:
Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma
And this has already gone on for 2 years!!
Says it all really.
You're right, we don't know the whole picture. Just what you have painted for us. And that is you disrupting someone else's marriage, trying to steal his wife, her wanting her cake and eating it too and you sitting idly by while she does.
Please re-read what I wrote. I never said that God was sending you signs. You said that you were a sign from God to her. I whole-heartedly disagree here.
And no if you have a conscience you'd not be messing with a married woman.
This thread is going from the sublime to the ridiculous.
I have never read so many justifications and excuses for an affair, and I have never read so many justifications and excuses for not leaving (a supposedly) unhappy marriage.
My only question, on reading all the posts is - if the cuckolded husband is SO awful, why doesn't she leave? Heaven's knows she's had years to do so!
Answer - because she doesn't want to. It's as simple as that. All the stuff about her strict Catholic upbringing is just an excuse.
There is something in the drama and emotion of this situation that is keeping you all stuck in this dysfunctional triangle, and it sounds like she is pulling the strings. You and the poor hubby are the puppets that dance to her tune.
My husband's ex wife (who is a malignant narcissist) is currently doing the same thing to her new husband - been with him for about 9 years, claims he does not satisfy her needs (but continues to live with him as she's a 'practicing Anglican'), has met her soul mate (yea right) and is having an affair with him whilst telling him that she can't leave her marriage yet. And they both stay!
As I said in my post (some time ago, now) - take off those rose colored glasses because I can't help but feel that you're being seriously used by a master manipulator.
Yep you ain't no practicing Catholic if on one hand you don't believe in divorce yet you justify adultery.
Firstly, God do not send signs to disrupt a marriage. The couple made a vow in front of God to be with each other till death do part and yet God would send signs to disrupt his will? Doesn't make sense to me.
Maybe it wasn't His will? If marriage is God's will so often, then why are there so many divorces. I think God is much stronger than that. I believe God understands we make mistakes in life. And I also believe he tries to show us the way with signs. Often we miss them (i.e so many red flags in her marriage like him not being emotional or intimate) but He continues to try and show us. Over the 6 years, I'm told her marriage hasn't gotten any better... tolerable but to be with a guy just because he's nice is not a reason to stay married if you don't love that person.Quote:
Originally Posted by none12345
Enough said. I'm done. I have my therapist. I thank you for the input some of you were good... alot were very attacking. But it's been interesting.
NO ONE here has been attacking. We are honest, and someone needs to get through your head.
Again, maybe she doesn't belong with him. Who knows? But you are interfering where you have no business.
The best part is you came here when you first got back in contact with her, and asked if you should pursue it. And you were told it was a bad idea and to move on.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...er-124764.html
I agree chicago. We often marry the wrong one because we do have free will. God allows for divorce because of adultery. Thing is she can't have it both ways. If she is using not divorcing because of her Catholic belief then she can't use adultery as her answer to satisfying her unhappy marriage.
She needs put on the spot to make a decision one way or another. The last thing God is into is having your cake and eating it too when it comes to infidelity.
I would tell her that she has to make a decision and tell him or you are and while your at it get hubby's side of the story too.
I really think you should just avoid getting let down. First, She would divorce if she wanted to. Second, if her husband is religious/spiritual then he would not hold back divorcing her because the bible does allow divorce for adultery. It is not against God. So maybe she isn't being entirely honest with you. If she doesn't love him then why are they married? You don't just say "i do" if you don't love eachother. I am in a relationship were he cheated twice. I put my foot down and packed and left him with our daughter and baby on the way. He just was so miserable and begged me to come back. I told him if he loves me he needs to be faithful. His father was the same way so i can see why he was that way. Now he has not cheated. My point is that he was spending time with and being intimate with someone eles. They always thought they meant something. But when I found out, he totally cut them off. These women knew about me so I did not pity them. I simply let them know that they were just used for one thing and did not matter to him. I believe a woman who knows a man is involved or married should know better. Also she is just a wh*re to try to take another womans man. I feel it goes both ways. I wish you luck with this, but i don't believe she will leave her husband for you. Just like my man told his "women on the side" lies about me just to get his way. She may be doing the same. She may also have marriage problems but for some reason doesn't want to throw it away
I remember well. And many said nothing will come of it... well look where I am now. I'm quite certain everyone would be surprised things have gone so well with her and I. Again, this a woman who is not your typical girl... otherwise a divorce would've followed a long time. She takes her time... and I guess I understand it because she wants to be as sure as she can... especially considering living with me after I hurt her so bad. So, I knew it was going to be rough. But giving her self to me physically, spiritually, and emotionally is pretty good I say.Quote:
Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma
And you must admit, it is very strange why her husband sits back and lets all this happen. He's a pacifist and knows she's going to do what she wants so why fight it. Sounds like a toxic rel'p to me. To not fight for your wife nor care what she does? Crazy and sick!
No, they wouldn't be surprised. They said "don't get involved with a married woman." and you did and now you're the man on the side that she doesn't love enough to leave her husband for. You're naïve, and it's so apparent.
He should fight for his wife, you're right. But he's not fighting now, and look, she STILL doesn't want to leave him. What will it take for you to realize she's not going to leave him for you?
Hey slick, Remember he doesn't know that YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH HIS WIFE. You don't have the balls to tell him. You spineless piece of... work. If things are going so well , then why are you coming here, over and over and over again like some pyscho. So don't talk bad about the only good person in this mess that YOU'VE made.Quote:
Originally Posted by chicago95
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma
Evidently a lot more than anyone can offer. If I had listened to you when I was contemplating on breaking up with her when we we're going out in college you probably all would've said move on because I found too many little things wrong with her and made her feel terrible. You might've said she's not the one, and that if she doesn't make you happy you should let her go. Thing is she did make me happy then. I got arrogant and cocky due to immaturity, lack of social life, misinterpreting how a girlfriend should act and look. And you'dve all been wrong to encourage me to leave her. Now here I am... with a licensed therapist telling me this may work... she just needs time to sort out these issues. To think of her as a severely injured person... ya can't expect someone like that to up and walk. Time and healing... and a lot of faith. She's never lied to me before... others yes, but not to me. Sorry you don't believe. Really doesn't matter.
It won't ever work ***at least not right* until she comes clean with her hubby and gets a divorce---until then you are barking up the wrong tree.
There's obviously nothing that anyone can say to you to make you realize what you're doing is wrong in every way possible. Just because someone has a license to be a therapist doesn't mean they are right. You give him how much money? Yeah. I'd tell you what you want to hear for $100 an hour too.
But you know? I come here, and give my advice for FREE. Because I like to help people. Even people that don't want help, they just want to be lied to to make themselves feel right and their wrongs justified. Not going to happen.
Good luck to you in all your endeavors, I hope one day you'll find someone that actually loves you.
Yep therapists don't always look at the overall picture.
There's no way a qualified therapist would tell you this is all right.
They are either incompetent or you haven't told them the whole story.
You know, I'm actually quite saddened at all of this.
The people on this thread have given their honest (albeit sometimes a little "rough around the edges") opinions about what you, the OP, should do in your situation. They have given advice from past experiences, the school-of-hard-knocks, and just plain common sense. They have tried to understand, tried to rationalize, tried cyber-yelling, and the like to nail their points into your head.
But, they can't make you believe or understand what you're not willing to believe or understand.
You are a hopeless romantic. I really do think you believe this woman is your "other half." You believe that if you wait long enough, she will realize it and eventually ride off into the glorious sunset with you.
It is your prerogative to believe whatever you wish... that is what being human means. We are given the ability to make our own choices, come what may.
You have made the decision to give your heart completely to this woman. No, we do not know the whole story. All we know is that she is married, that her marriage is a sham, that she says she is in love with you, and that you are her "piece" on the side.
I do not believe that married people should be involved with anyone other than their partner. Period. And, I will never change that opinion.
But, that is MY choice to make.
If you do decide to continue loving this woman, giving her your entire heart (because love is a choice), you MUST take the high road, disappear from her life, and let HER make up her own mind.
Love her until her dying day, but let her make the decisions that she NEEDS to make about her marriage. She has a free will, too.
People do what they want to do. She is doing what she wants. No one can make someone do what they choose not to do. Her husband is not tying her up, threatening her life. He is simply maintaining a relationship. (Yes, relationship. They have a paper signed, sealed, and dated to prove that they have a relationship)
Bottom line: we cannot make you not love this woman or wait for her until she decides that you're her prince charming. We cannot convince you to do anything that you do not want to do... in the end, we all do what we feel is morally right. Let her make up her own mind.
Take your bow and sit in the audience until she decides to pull the curtain. If you choose to wait for her, great, but let her be. Let her fix her own life.
Don't force her. Don't expect things of her. Don't influence her. Don't try and convince her that you're her best. If she feels that, she will make things happen where she can be with you.
Leave their relationship alone and wait to see how the cards fall... if that is your choice.
Bravo! I really agree. I never intended to convey to anyone that I woud persuade, influence, or convince her. She and I discussed that long ago that she will have to make the decision. Hence why she's seeking counseling (although much of what the counselor has told her is what I've told her in the past). The fact that she's seeking counseling I believe says a lot anyway. She could just as easily say no and end it. But she knows there's a reason and when she finds it through counseling as to why she's with me more than him, then that reason will be made clear to her. A waiting game. (See Dr. Kalish's book on Lost Loves Reuinited. Perfectly good marriages have ended because the spark never was there and the spouse realizes their undying love for that special lost love and THAT union grew)Quote:
Originally Posted by HistorianChick
The real question is how long are you going to live with her not making any changes though?
You can't go on indefinitely with her calling all the shots and not ever having to make an ultimate decision of him or you.
She could go at it forever playing both ends against the middle. Why would you want that?
Thank you for the book recommendation, but I really have no interest in marriages that broke up. You see, my example for marriage was the perfect, idyllic match - my parents. They both had pasts, but they made their present, lived for the future, and made a timeless story... a story that was only the preface to mine.Quote:
Originally Posted by chicago95
I, too, am a hopeless romantic... but I also know that, for me, there is a reason why the past is in the past. It could never make it to my present.
I've had my heart broken, I've lost loves, I've broken hearts, and yes, I was someone's best. But that is in my past. Circumstances dictated that it be in the past. And, I'm OK with that.
When I marry, it will be forever... because that's who I am. I will marry a man who knows that it will be forever... because that's who he is. For me, it's as simple as that.
And those that are married have that choice to make... whether they will remain forever intertwined...
**EDIT**
REading back over that, it really has nothing to do with the OP... sorry about that! I just got on a literary tangent...
Just let them be. Let her make her own mind. Take the high road. Wait if you choose, but just let her be.
Hi. I think the fact that you re posting here shows that a part of you is already aware that many things are not right in this relationship of yours.have you considered counselling for you?
His therapist said 'Go for it' in so many words
Beautifully saidQuote:
Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma
This makes me laugh! Honey men are made differently which you should know that already. If he's hurting her, and you are not haha it doesn't mean that the two of you are meant to be together. Wow! What a way to make a point!Quote:
Originally Posted by chicago95
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