Just a few thoughts to offer...
Hopefully for your sake, you will outgrow the inclination to be in anything with someone you have "no feelings for and vice versa". I think friends with benefits is messed up. I am glad to hear you are not likely to call her. Frankly, until this arrangement changes... "I suppose i do want to listen to what she has to say, but i also suppose i'm not going to believe anything she tells me anyway."... there really isn't any point to anything but the most surface chit-chat, unless of course you like games?

So on valentine's day my roommate accidentally texted my ex with "happy valentine's day what are your plans". She actually responded with her plans. This would be the second time my friends have used my phone and accidentally ended up doing something to her.

I figured after last time I was better off deleting all her contact info from my phone. This time he was texting my rebound, hit cancel instead of backspace, then went looking into the saved drafts to see if the text was preserved. The rebound and my ex both have the same area code/prefix so he found a saved draft of something I apparently started a while back to my ex and there you have it.

Explanations aside, the fact that she responded was a shock to me, so I just came up with something about playing in my snow fort and sent that in response. Problem I have now is that she's willing to talk to me, which is half the reason I haven't attempted to talk to her. I also heard the other day that she's been flirting with guys at the bar and stuff, which normally I'd consider a bad thing, but it's not really, only because she was with another dude like 2 weeks after we broke up. So her new relationship is falling apart and she's off to the next thing. This is a good thing because my theory is that she left me because of the looming spectre of commitment on the horizon, and is looking to just get out there and try different things.

At 22 years old, I'd be lying if I said I thought the relationship would be my last, but I'd also be lying if I said I thought that it was over. The reasons she gave me were shoddy at best, so I'm led to believe it's the panic response I thought it was earlier. Anyway, I'm thinking about giving her a call and seeing what she's up to. I realize it's not healthy, but I'm also a believer of out of sight out of mind, so I'd like for her to not be able to pretend I don't exist. Any thoughts?

Sounds like you're giving her a lot of power over you, again. If you're cool with that, go right ahead.

She loses her power the instant I believe it's over. I haven't been convinced yet, and I sort of think this will be a good opportunity to become convinced. I don't intend to cry and blubber, hell I don't even plan on talking about the relationship. I just want to see where she's at in terms of her coping process, if she seems like she's totally over it and just doesn't care anymore, I'd be satisfied. She doesn't know she has power over me. So I'm hoping for a light conversation that'll clue me in as to what's going on. I realize it's almost 99% certain I'm going to get hurt, but I haven't been hurt enough to begin healing. I've been waiting for this to see if I'm right or not.

Edit: I'm also retarded and this is my first time. So I also expect I'll learn what everybody else learned the same hard way.

This is a really bad idea.

She doesn't know she has power over you? Sure she does. From what she can see, you messaged her out of nowhere, asking about Valentine's Day. Even though it happens to be the truth, "My friend was using my phone and accidentally used your number" is going to sound like a face-saving excuse, cooked up in case things were awkward. She knows it for the wrong reason, but she knows it nonetheless.

Just remember, this isn't her coming back to talk to you. This is both of you being caught up because your friends were being irresponsible. Neither of you really know what's going on here because of that.

Point taken, but in all fairness she has tried to talk to me, and I told her to stay out of my life and stop talking to me. I do see your point, I also know it's a bad idea, which is going to make it that much funnier for other people, but I also feel like I need to do this for me. Know what I mean? I see the consequences, but I also see a potential payoff down the line. I'm probobly too confused to know what's best for me.

Inadvertently "spying" on your ex by way of a careless roommate's use of your phone? TWICE? Oh, please... let me offer my other leg so you can make them match since you're pulling some serious leg here! LOL That's what your ex will be thinking. This is what I'm thinking: games beget games, dude. Have fun!

I'd say that yeah, you're too confused to know what's best for you. On the upside, you've at least got your head on straight enough to accept that this is likely to cause issues, and you're honest enough with yourself to admit that it's probably not the best idea.

I still recommend against it. I can't stress that enough. But if you're set on going through with this, do yourself a favor, and don't go into it with any preconceived ideas of what's going to happen. Let the situation be what it is, don't try to force it, and don't expect anything.

Before you do anything reread all your posts. If you honestly think your course of action makes sense, read again. You have missed a few key things so keep reading until you find it.

Do what your going to do and learn the hard way like everyone else. Your obsessed. Keep getting slammed. Become the crazy ex. That's all it looks like your heading for and no one ever gets back with the crazy ex. She's not interested in you and she knows she has you wrapped around her finger. But by all means let her show you that again!

Rest assured guys, I'm going to laugh so hard when it goes exactly as everybody predicted it would. But at least I'll learn something.

I'm giving her a call later on tonight to see if I can grab lunch with her or something tomorrow. Right now my mindset is that, as much as I'd like to talk about the relationship, it's trivial. As much as I may believe our problems were solvable, it only matters if she believes that herself. So I intend to make no conversation about the relationship, instead my rationale is that if I show her who she fell in love with in the first place, minus all this emotional garbage, that's the best shot I've got at her keeping the door open.

I don't intend to do this to get back with her, I'm mostly interested in removing the awkard air from the situation. I do sort of want her back, but the relationship we had didn't work out for a reason, and a new one anytime soon wouldn't work out either, I'm mostly just trying to prevent her from keeping me out of sight out of mind. Wish me luck.

I still say you're setting yourself up for a fall but all the same, good luck my friend!

Do beware of getting yourself into the same old mess - not of feeling crappy for seeing her, but of getting back into a relationship with all the problems that yours had. Remember also that one good day does not repair the damage done... Even if things follow the most amazingly spectactular path possible that in no way indicates that a single thing has changed. ONly time will tell that. Don't get too high or too low... Again, good luck, and I really mean that.

I don't expect anything really, I'm prepared for the outcome that she ignores my call and doesn't ever reply. I'm also prepared for the outcome she shows up and really just doesn't seem interested and is only there for the sake of not making me upset. I suppose the only outcome I'm not prepared for is success, to be honest.

I know it looks stupid on paper, but I'm not getting my hopes up. The reality of the situation is that in order for me to have a successful relationship with her, we'd have to start over again, not pick up where we left off. I'm not prepared to start over again, and I can only assume she's not either. I wouldn't do anything in the neighborhood of a relationship with her until at the earliest June or July, even then, I'd rather wait till August or so.

Sounds like you've put a lot of planning into reestablishing a relationship with this girl... Sounds a lot like myself!

I really don't have much hope for what you're trying to accomplish, here...

If she left me for reasons that weren't imaginary, I'd agree with you. But nothing she's accused me of seemed to stick for a day or two. She couldn't come up with any good reasons to leave me, which says to me she's just in the mood to get out there and try other things. At 21 years old, I welcome that idea, I just wish she'd show a little more respect when she did it, instead of pretending like I'm abusive.

The reasons she left you are irrelevant. The relevant fact is SHE LEFT YOU! Have you ever thought that she just doesn't like you anymore but didn't have the hearty to say it to you?

Its over. You say you don't really want her back. I think your lying. I think you want her back bad and all this is an attempt to win her back. Been there, done that! Doesn't work! Stupid idea and only halts your progress.

All your best laid plans are pointless and I'm telling you it won't change a thing. Other than you will take a few steps back and feel worse when you realise that she has moved on and you haven't!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ForeverZero

I don't expect anything really, i'm prepared for the outcome that she ignores my call and doesn't ever reply. I'm also prepared for the outcome she shows up and really just doesn't seem interested and is only there for the sake of not making me upset. I suppose the only outcome i'm not prepared for is success, to be honest.

I know it looks stupid on paper, but i'm not getting my hopes up. The reality of the situation is that in order for me to have a successful relationship with her, we'd have to start over again, not pick up where we left off. I'm not prepared to start over again, and i can only assume she's not either. I wouldn't do anything in the neighborhood of a relationship with her until at the earliest june or july, even then, i'd rather wait till august or so.

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Does all this not read to you like some plan you have formulated in your head to win her back? Sure does to me!! You talk about success and how it looks on paper...

It will be anything but a success in more ways than you realise!

Like I said, the fact that she left me is almost trivial compared to why she did. I don't know why she did. I suspect it has to do with her fear of commitment, but even then, it's only my suspicion. This whole thing is my way of finding out why she left. Importantly, I'm not going to know what I did wrong if I don't know why she left.


There's no winning or being successful in this situation, I'm hoping to find out where I can make the most of what I lost.

That's all you have. Suspicions. You should be able to figure out for yourself why she probably left you if you have done some serious evaluating of yourself and the relationship.

Finding out off her won't change anything. The fact that she has left you remains the same!

Come on.. tell the truth. This isn't about finding out why she left you and all this other stuff your going on about. It is all about trying to get her back isn't it?

You have to remember a lot of us have been here a while and see patterns in peoples beahvior. You wouldn't be the first who was going to try such a stunt and you won't be the last. But I have to warn you that you playing with fire here and you will most probably get burnt!

But perhaps it is a mistake you will have to make in order for you to actually progress some more.

And I would like to know how your friends always seem to end up with your phone texting ex's?? What's going on there?? Sounds like something little school girls do in the playground!

Yea dude, I hear you. I've been reading these threads, and I'd be a moron if I seriously believed that this has never happened to anyone. As far as evaluating myself, the reality of the situation is she left me in November, and I've pretty much dwelled on it since then. I've been getting out there and seeing other girls, I even have a rebound, but no matter how many ways I toy with it, I can't come up with anything but the she panicked about commitment and left. Which is something that will work itself out eventually.

For new years I gave the phone to my friend who owns the house we were at, in another town, so that he could direct my soon to be rebound girl to the house. Afterwards he just kind of drunk dialed every girl on my list to get more girls at the party. After that I deleted her from my contact, and on valentine's day I was sort of done with my rebound and not talking to her, so I just left my phone off in my desk drawer, and my roommate is friends with her, and I drank all his wine, so he got pissed and decided to mess around with her, because he'd been talking to her and she's all trying to get me back and stuff.